Introspection

With the advance of the Corona Virus 19, most of us have had been forced to stay home. With the extra time alone many of us have had the chance to reflect on our lives.

Reflection is tough on many people, including me. A totally quiet room is often my worst enemy and I even sleep all night with the television on. (Thanks Liz! who is my partner and only mildly protests.)

It could be much worse. I think back to the days when I was first exploring the feminine world and was out and about as much as I could to do it. The very essence of my being revolved around how and if I could make my way in the world as a woman. The very places I went to do it...restaurants and taverns are all currently closed around in my section of the world because of the virus. In so many ways, my femininity was based on what others thought of me. Looking back on that time of my life, I know I would have been strongly affected by the experience. Not to mention being mostly unemployed because I was a restaurant manager.

Timing is everything though. After all these years, I don't need to put on all the feminine finery to feel like a girl. In fact, I am a fairly "plain Jane" type woman. I guess my feelings go back to my very early days as a cross dresser when the clothes lost their appeal. What replaced the "urges" was an over powering desire to be a girl, not just look like one.

These days, I am so fortunate to have a solid base of gender support around me. Family and friends who look past my transgender lifestyle and instead see the true me. The true me is a happier more satisfied person than many of my family knew before. I have found through much trial and error happiness may still be impossible to find for a person such as me but joy isn't.

Since we are all stuck in this current crisis together, please do your best to keep yourself safe. I know many of you may look at this as a form of being forced back into your closet. Also, I have a dear friend who is really upset her genital realignment surgery has been postponed from March 31st. My thoughts go out to her.

Reach inside yourself and find your inner woman and use the time to cherish her. Hopefully, all of this will be over before we know it and your woman will flourish again.

 

Comments

  1. I have a difficult time falling asleep without the TV on, myself. In fact, I have a difficult time staying awake while watching TV any time after 9:00 PM. Many times I've awoken to some infomercial being shown at 3:00 AM while I'm still laid back in the recliner. At that point, there is no sense going to bed, if it's a work day, since my normal wake-up time is 4:00 AM. If I were to retire to the bedroom to go back to sleep, though, I'd have to turn on the TV there in order to do it. Without the TV on, I can't turn my brain off. The trouble is that, when I should be sleeping, my brain will turn all-OC on me - rehashing everything that really only required a passing thought. The TV is just enough of a distraction to keep this from happening.

    There are very few TV shows that are so good that I really regret missing the second half of them. I've often wondered if I might be finishing the plot lines in my own dreams, but I don't remember many of my dreams, anyway. Most of them are probably no more interesting than the show that had put me to sleep in the first place!

    I'm trying very hard to resist the temptation of reflection these days. I have so many things that need my attention in the here-and-now, and the uncertainty of the world around me is out of my control. I've lost some work, my wife has been asked to stay at home without pay indefinitely, and our governor has announced that he is seriously considering mandating that anyone over the age of 65 not to work at all. I don't know how they would police that, and I already joked to my boss that I might have to start a half-hour later to give me more time on my makeup in the morning - I only need to look 64. :-) Geesh, I've been a trans woman so long that there was time I could have been arrested for presenting as a woman on the street. Now, that's OK, but I could still be arrested for being an old woman on the street. Without enough income, though, I may have to resort to living on the street (in which case, the police wouldn't even give me a second look in this city).

    I am trying to live as close to what was familiar to me before this Covid-19 thing started. There's no way to keep up with the changes coming, sometimes by the hour. Having a job to get up for every morning helps, but I still will get up and ready for the day if the work goes away - maybe at 6:00 AM instead of 4:00, though. And I'll end the day falling asleep to the TV, too!

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