Belated 9-11

For any number of reasons, I was too busy to post here at Cyrsti's Condo yesterday. I hadn't forgotten the importance of the day.

Because of my work back then, I was running a neighborhood style pub/restaurant and I actually was still home getting ready for work when it happened. I hurriedly finished and headed in.

The whole day was extra eerie as we are within twenty miles of a major air force base and of course the base was under lock down.

At work, the day was extra busy as my quests were tuned into to any news they could get off of one of the five television screens,

I'm sure it is a tragedy I will never forget exactly where I was and what I was doing.

As a nation we should never forget and stand forever vigilant against outside threats.

Freedom of Choice?

Two important discussions came up last night in the transgender - cross dresser support group meeting I went to.  One of which involved the age old problem of "civilians" thinking trans people or cross dressers have a choice in choosing their gender lifestyle. Obviously, we don't. We don't wake up one day and think "Gee" this will be a great day to change my gender. Arguably one of the tougher things to do as a human being. Not to mention the havoc the change causes to family, friends and work.

To make matters worse, very few of us are "naturals" and have to go through all kinds of contortions to help our exteriors match what our interiors are feeling. I know I am basically speaking to the choir here in Cyrsti's Condo but if I am not, imagine waking up in the morning not knowing which gender you are.

These days though, we are fortunate to be experiencing the rise of the acceptance of "gender fluid" individuals. people are being accepted for being a curious mixture of the two binary genders, plus at the least, claiming gender fluidity gives questioning trans people a niche to go to while they explore where they are going with their lives.

All in all, times are a changing as we begin to explore all the fascinating facets of life humans can explore.

The second discussion which came up last night (by me) was how we know we are making the correct life choice as we begin our transition. Some end at cross dressing, others go all the way through surgery and physically change their gender. Take me for example. My inner gender compass centered up when I started to live full time as a transgender woman. I don't need to risk my body and have any surgeries.

My message last night seemed to resonate with a new attendee who was just starting down their (my assigned pronouns) gender path. They were questioning when they would know which direction they were headed as a cross dresser or beyond. I simply told them to try to feel what your inner compass was telling you but harder yet try to follow it.

I know it is easier said than done in most cases.

Such a Week

It was quite the week.  From critical medical tests to getting in trouble for my comment on a certain cross dresser I have known forever, the week seemed to go on and on..  Now I am awaiting results on my pulmonary (lung) tests and an update on my fractured ankle. I can't wait to put this behind me for the time being.

This week is promising to be much more mellow. Assuming the powers to be let me shed my walking boot and my breathing tests come back OK, all I really have to do is go to a cross dresser -transgender support group meeting tonight (Monday) and accompany Liz to her Doctor's appointments on Wednesday.

I can't say I will miss having to be somewhere everyday this week. I leave you with this thought:

Damn Hormones

I haven't written for awhile here in Cyrsti's Condo about my involvement with feminine hormones.  To be sure, it's been a rocky affair, with plenty of blind corners and unexpected results.

I guess since my recent brush with discontinuing my hormone replacement therapy all due to health concerns, has brought taking the life altering meds back into focus.

Many people over the years have asked about the process. First of all, most of all the usual changes in skin, breasts, hair etc, started taking effect for me relativity quickly. I would say in the first six months. However, as time passed on, the changes began to slow and all of a sudden, I was looking at 4 plus years on HRT.

Looking back, the biggest change over the years had to be the emotional roller coaster ride I experienced.  I think perhaps the emotional ride contributed to extra problems when I was in the middle of negotiating a particular difficult bout of gender dysphoria.

It was during that time I have considered re-evaluating the whole gender process I was going through. Calmer minds prevailed though.

Here's an example of the effect feminine hormones have on me. Yes, I cry but mostly when good things happen (especially during football games when Liz is making fun of me.) Yes, I have my own modest sized breasts which seems to fascinate some people. My skin is softer than it has ever been and am slowly and surely developing hips.

I an truly fortunate to be able to have undertaken this gender adventure health wise.

Blue Skies?

For the first time in weeks, I am starting to feel better.

I am sure it helps that all my critical heart tests are coming back normal. Whatever normal may be for me. Of course I still have pulmonary, colon and the final (I hope) X=ray on my ankle to go.

I also had my two mental check ups the last two days. For once, I needed both of their help. It will be interesting to see if all the survey's and interviews I filled out with the VA are effective. I wasn't in the best state of mind when I did them.

Included in my conversation with my therapist was my unfortunate cross dresser ugly interaction.
Which Connie commented on:

 "Are you saying that, if you spent a whole lot of time worrying about what others think of you, you'd still be cross dressing, yourself? I remember having the revelation that I was cross dressing, but I had come to know that I wasn't a cross dresser. Had I continued to be afraid of what others would think of me, should I transition, I would have retreated back to the closet completely. There's nothing wrong with cross dressing, but it tends to lead to frustration, eventually, if one is not a cross dresser. It's like being a singer who is only allowed to lip-synch or, at best, nailing it at karaoke.

Hmm, maybe I have just pissed off a few cross dressers, myself."

I meant if I worried about transitioning as a transgender person into a feminine life as far as what others thought, I would have never done it. So, I agree with you, I would have found a closet that eventually would have killed me. 

As far as cross dressers, or anyone else goes, I try my best not to stereotype.  Which I guess I failed at miserably Saturday night.  This comes close to saying it all.

Lost

Well, last night I lost an election to the board of the transgender - cross dresser support group I am part of.

I am not really too torn up about it, as during the meeting I remembered how mind numbing boring a board meeting could be.

I think too, I lost votes because of my Facebook tirade Saturday against an old cross dresser I have known for about thirty years. After the cross dresser made a big deal out of the clear blue sky to praise resident rump and all his policies I told another friend of ours what I felt about the cross dresser. I wasn't kind and said something to the effect the cross dresser didn't care about the long (and short) terms of what the current administration is doing to the transgender community because he didn't have a dog in the fight anyway. Unfortunately, I didn't say it that nicely and now I have several cross dressers in the group who hold a grudge against me now.

But...if I spent a whole lot of time worrying about what people think of me, I would be in a whole different spot now anyhow.

They will get over it. 

Another Busy Week

After a brief break for Labor Day on Monday, life kicks back into high gear again.

Tonight is my vote (or the board's vote) on my application to fill a vacated board post on the transgender - cross dresser support group I am part of. I am running against someone else, so there is no guarantee I will get it. I am experienced in sitting on volunteer boards for ten years or more during my life, so I am qualified. Basically, I am putting myself up for extra hassle because Liz wants me to do something to get out of the house more. So in reality (since I am retired) I do have have more time to give. The one thing which could go against me is a Facebook interaction I had Saturday night with another transgender woman about an ultra right wing bigoted cross dresser who had jumped into the conversation. It's complicated enough for a whole post but making a long story short, I hurt a couple of cross dressers' feelings during the interaction. One of which sits on the board.

One way or another it won't be the end of the world.

Wednesday's appointment is much more important. I am having my third (and hopefully final) heart exam. It's an ultra sound on my heart. The first two tests went OK on my heart, so hopefully this one will too.

Thursday, I head back up to Dayton, Ohio for two more appointments. I have to have more blood taken for a hematology test and also see the doctor who prescribes all my Bi-Polar meds.

Friday, I finish the week with another trip to Dayton to see my therapist. At least this time, we will have plenty to talk about!

Oh, and I forgot, Friday night is another one of the cross dresser - transgender socials Liz and I go to.

Plus, the weekend brings an interesting regional college football game. The local Cincinnati Bearcat team is playing The Ohio State Buckeyes. It is a must watch game.

So far, I think that is it!

To Be or Not to Be

Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo, we featured two young transgender women who decided to come out and be LGBTQ activists...if even it's because they came out at all.  One was Teddy Quinlivan. Along the way, Connie wanted to clarify a comment she made:

"I didn't write what I did because I disagreed with Ms. Quinilivan's decision to come out as she did. In this age of cyber-information, though, it's likely that someone else would have exposed her gender status eventually. My point was that much of what made it possible for her to even have that option was by those of us who had gone before her. Whether it was more difficult for us (baby boomers) than it was for her could be debated, but I was more interested in the evolution and history of it all. We, who are the old-timers now, also owe much to those who had gone before us.

For many women, cis or trans, fashion models represent the unrealistic, if not impossible. I agree with Paula that it is about so much more than clothes and looks, but, unfortunately, there are so many who develop feelings of inferiority - and even hopelessness - when they compare themselves to these models. We trans women often talk about how passing is not really important, but I think most of us would like to be able to do so. If I could, I believe I would do everything I could to keep my trans status a secret. As a child, I fantasized about moving away to a place where nobody knew me and live as a woman. By the time I got close enough to my eighteenth birthday, though, testosterone had done so much damage to my body that my dream seemed to be forever quashed. Had I thought that I needed to look as good as a model, however, I never would have considered it in the first place.

Anyway, those of us who are trans and not models (although I want to be a contestant on a new show, "America's Next (Muffin) Top Model," can still have an impact. Just being out in the world and living regular lives can make a big difference. I think it's pretty obvious to most everybody I meet that I'm a trans woman, so I never bring up the subject. If someone else does, I do my best to educate them, but I always make it clear that I consider myself to be a woman, and trans is but one adjective of many others I wish to be used in reference to me. How about: loving, caring, friendly, good, or even bitchy (sometimes)?"


I agree. Unless you happen to be totally passable, you definitely are on the front lines of transgender acceptance/education. If you like it or not.  It's one of the reasons I respect those who come out despite having a ton of passing privilege .

I Tried it Once.

Today I was surprised when a person who should have known better referred to me as he twice in the same conversation.

Finally, I took the next opportunity to throw in the chat I had tried the "he" part of life already and it almost killed me.

He was taken aback and from then on he referred to me with an emphatic "she."

At least I didn't have to explain further what I meant.