Tonight

Coming up tonight is another cross dresser - transgender support group meeting...with it's usual implications.

Several of the real negative types quit attending, including the one who was diagnosed with having an underdeveloped uterus and/or ovaries. She has rightfully declared herself as inter-sexed and I guess has developed  a perch to look down upon the rest of us. It's kind of sad, since I enjoyed hearing of her journey. She was just so negative.

Also the conservative rump supporters have quit coming , even though the moderators steer the conversation away from politics,  There are a few of the fetish satin types still around, as well as the steampunk trans woman.

We will also see if the desperately lonely suicidal transgender woman shows up tonight. The other suicide person just got a job (as herself) and seems to be sorting her life out, so all is better with her.

The group also used to have a few other trans vets too, but one moved to Oregon, one I haven't seen and the other is the negative inter-sexed person I wrote about earlier in the post.

So, all in all, it's a very interesting group.

Did Anyone See?

What I mean is the truck I got hit by yesterday. It was a long day. We started decorating for the witches ball about noon and we finished up the day around 3 am. I have decided to "retire" from working it next year, for several reasons not important to get into now.

The event itself was great fun and it brought back memories of past Halloween parties. I seemed to pass the litmus test of looking like a woman in a costume. Ironically, there was another trans woman I know (but see couldn't remember me) who set up a vendors table next to the table I was "manning". She used my excuse of short term memory loss. There was a possibility of another cross dresser - transgender woman there too. My partner Liz and I agreed "she" possibly suffered from testosterone poisoning at some point during life.

Of more importance, my costume actually fit and I thoroughly enjoyed wearing it except for when we came home and had to walk a block with a chilly wind on my legs and making the drive home in an unheated car.

Finally, I think since I felt good concerning my appearance, I felt good about my voice too. My cold has taken a brief respite, so I wasn't horse. I made an effort to throw my voice forward and not talk from the back of my throat.  Plus, I mostly talked in short sentences, so I didn't have a chance to strain it.

There are a couple pictures floating around. If I can get one, I will pass it along!

A Day Off?

Well, not really a day off because today is the annual Cincinnati Witches Ball, which (since Liz and I are on a very small committee) will make for a very long day.

We have to be at the venue around noon to help set up, come home and put our costumes on and then go back for the event and the clean up. Which typically lasts till after 3 am.

I am tired already!

Maybe my acquaintance from last year will be here today. He is the one who came up to me and said something to the effect he couldn't tell I wasn't a "real" woman. I just told him I was a real woman...a transgender one.

Originality

It is difficult being original at Halloween if you are transgender or a cross dresser. Unless you are very good, trying to out "sexy" the cis- women is difficult, especially if you are going to someplace where "sexy" isn't in vogue...like to work.

Then there is the problem I have already written about, looking like a man in a woman's costume when you desperately don't want to. In my past, I have had that happen too many times at Halloween parties. A couple times I was mistaken for a "well dressed woman." But again, just trying to be original was nearly an impossible problem for me. So I always relied upon being the sexiest or best dressed woman I could. On occasion I did get the occasional compliment but never won any prizes.

Halloween though, presents as many different ideas there are for costumes and, as always, I can count on Connie to come up with another take:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEOctober 15, 2018 at 12:35 PM

"I just don't want to be mistaken for a man in a woman's costume."

This is exactly why I never "dressed as a woman" for Halloween. Although doing so makes for a good excuse to go out in public and show one's stuff, so to speak, it always seemed to me to be just that - an excuse. Now that I am secure in who I am, I know I need not make excuses or explanations for myself, and I think I always knew that, deep down. However, those are just my feelings about myself; I know it works well for others.

Although I've not done it yet, I think a good way of avoiding being mistaken for a man in a woman's costume would be to wear a gender-less costume - like a pumpkin or a tube of toothpaste.

Another thing I've been tempted to try is to cross dress as a man. I would still wear a bit of makeup and a shorter wig, though. I have but one hanger of menswear in the back of my closet, which is the suit, shirt and tie that I wore as I cross dressed for my sister-in-law's funeral service four years ago. I remember that wearing those clothes felt so foreign to me, even though I had been only about six months into my transition. Exposing my bald head, along with the suit, was enough to fool those who knew nothing of my transition, but I felt like more of a fraud than I ever did cross dressing as a woman. My sister-in-law had fully accepted my transition before her death, but there were still many family members and friends who knew nothing of it. The funeral was not an event for which I could come out to all, though. Now that the whole world has been exposed to the "authentic me" I think I could pull off being a woman in a man's costume. I'm still hesitant about looking at myself in a mirror with that suit on, though. It could be the scariest costume of all!"

Severl years ago, my partner Liz dressed essentially like her late father with a mustache and all and ended looking so much like him, she never tried it again. The resemblance was uncanny!

The Bewitching Hour?

As Halloween draws ever closer, transgender women and cross dressers everywhere are scrambling to put their final touches on what costume they are planning to wear this year and where they are going to wear it.

I know many of you regulars here in Cyrsti's Condo also follow Stana's Femulate blog and have seen a few of her outstanding efforts around Halloween.

This year for the first time in several years, I am faced with the opportunity of having to put together two costumes for two separate events. The first, The Witches Ball I have written about extensively about but the second I haven't. Liz and I are considering going to a bar where the community of crossdressers I know goes too. The Witches Ball is this weekend, the other event is on the 27th.

I am not enamored anymore about wedging ourselves into a jam packed room but it might be fun to see a bunch of cross dressers tottering around on their impossibly high heels, or just see who really has an original costume idea.

Like I said, it remains to be seen if we go at all.

This afternoon, I have to see if I have have taken enough weight off to fit into my witches ball themed costume. This years' theme is "Mobsters and Monsters". As I have written before, the costume is a three piece black pin striped female mobster outfit. So, I hope it fits!

Road Trip

Yesterday was my monthly LGBT Veterans support group meeting and my voice lesson at the Dayton, Ohio veterans hospital.

The trip north was fairly pleasurable under a bright cool fall day.

Since I have been working on my vocal homework after last month's embarrassing appointment, I think I moved my overall score up from a "F" to a "C". At least I earned the chance to move up again and work on phrases, breathing and overall vocal presentation. I still have to work on a daily basis to smooth out my voice, use my breath more to enunciate my words and still speak in a more sing song voice. I have been trying to temper my expectations on myself to keep them realistic. 

An hour later, it was time for my LGBT support group meeting. As I was waiting, an obvious butch lesbian showed up early for her appointment. As it turns out, she has the transgender VA Doc monitor her meds.

As we were talking she noticed my rainbow "VA Serves LGBT Veterans" bracelet. It was cute when she said "I'm the "L", so I replied I am the "T".

The waiting room was very quiet so ironically at one point when the trans doc came out, there were two transgender women and one lesbian in the room. Later, when more members of the group showed up, there were three lesbians and three transgender people. Including a trans guy who had just decided to come out of the closet. He was delightful too, so we enjoyed a nice meeting.

All in all, a successful road trip and it's nice to know I still haven't lost my touch with some of the lesbian community.

Plus, for once, the ride home in rush hour was almost livable.

How Much Effort?

How much effort are you/should you be putting into your feminine presentation?

I suppose it's like everything else you do in life, what you do, is what you are able to do, are motivated to do and how much work you can put into it.

Looking like a woman is very hard for the great majority of  cross dressers and/or transgender women. Let me use the example again of the transgender woman who comes to one of my support groups. Essentially, she throws on a pink dress and flip flops and says to the world, hey! I'm a girl.Sadly, as you can guess, it doesn't work in the world. I'm sure you have seen plenty of cis women who have no clothing or makeup skills either.

Before this post becomes a novel, let me add in what Connie sent in on the topic:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEOctober 11, 2018 at 2:34 PM

"When I first ventured out of the house with a feminine presence (eleven years ago) it was to a monthly cross dresser meeting (it was the first time I'd gone out and interacted with another human, anyway, as my numerous previous drives "enfemme" don't really count). A quick survey of the room showed me that I was far more ready to be out than were many in that group. Because I have always been something of a perfectionist, I just couldn't understand how someone could expose themselves without, seemingly, trying to make the best presentation possible. As I continued to attend the monthly meetings and participating in other social events with this group, I learned a couple of things: I was not a cross dresser and there are people who may have the same seed of gender identity as mine, but that is our only similarity. From that, I discovered that some of those people were happy just to put on a dress, and I developed an admiration for them and their lack of dysphoria.

The person you refer to does not seem to be happy in her current situation. I would expect, though, that only she will ever know what would make her happy. I have seen people, after getting a professional "glam" makeover, find a whole new hope. I have also seen others who didn't really care for the new look and showed up next time looking just like their "before" pic. This goes for both trans and cis, by the way.

There were many reasons that led me to stop attending meetings and social events with that particular group. As I said, I had learned that I was not a cross dresser, and so I did not need to find acceptance and affirmation the way, it seemed, most of them did. The thing that really made me want to leave, though, was the way they treated one member in particular. This cross dresser did nothing more to make a change in appearance than to wear a fancy ball gown. Although being allowed to attend the closed-door meetings, this person had been banned by the officers from going out in public with the rest of the group. Efforts had been made to "help", but I believe they were made for the benefit of the group - not to her (or him). Even at the meetings, though, she/he was ostracized most of the time, not unlike the school kid who eats lunch alone in the cafeteria. I did sit down with her/him one time, and learned so much about myself in the process. We were both unhappy being in the group, but for entirely different reasons. I learned through the grapevine, later, that we both quit attending meetings after that encounter, and I've often wondered if she/he ended up being as happy as I have become with myself. I do have the feeling that many in that group would say they're happy that the weirdo is gone, and that bitch, Connie, too.

*I have referred to this person with both pronouns because she/he did not, at the time, know for sure which applied."

Thanks for the comment!

Finally, it needs to be said these days there are more and more avenues to find help with your feminine presentation at fairly reasonable prices, if you can get out of the closet to take advantage!

Out and About?

As Halloween rapidly approaches, it's time again for closeted cross dressers and trans women everywhere to step out of the closet and strut their stuff. Sometimes, I feel sad Halloween has lost much of it's "buzz" with me. Every year here in Cyrsti's Condo it seems, I have written about a few of my more memorable Halloween adventures. Of course the pressure was on when I knew it may be another year before I could get all dolled up and go out again. Along the way, I think I secretly hoped my friends would grow suspicious if I looked too much like a woman. As you may remember, I first came out to a few close friends after a Halloween party in Germany when I was in the Army.

Those of you who have any military experience wonder just how it happened, here is how:

First of all, I worked as a disc jockey for American Forces Radio and Television (AFRTS) which as you can probably guess was one of the more non-military jobs in the Army. Essentially, I landed my spot because I worked for my congressman on his radio station during college and seven slots opened up quite unexpectedly when a battle damaged F-4 hit the radio/tv station in Udorn Thailand.  Killing all in the station.

I put in a year and a couple days in Thailand and against impossible odds landed up with a try out for AFN in Germany. They told me they were going to send me to Stuttgart and "hoped I would improve." What it really meant, was they needed a morning DJ who could get up in the morning on a regular basis to do the show. I could.

We were housed in a school complex which included a large commissary, medical facility and other units such as signal corps. So, when these groups got together, the parties were pretty legendary. That was how I was able to find a Halloween party to dress as a woman for while I was in the Army.

However, there were several gaps in time before and after the party which I couldn't even think about Halloween, let alone dressing up.

Now I will go to the Cincinnati "Witches Ball" dressed as a gun moll of sorts because I have to.

I just don't want to be mistaken for a man in a woman's costume. 

Up the Down Staircase

Last night marked the end of my week long birthday fun. I don't believe I have ever cared enough about my birthday to even think much about it. This year though, my partner Liz has "engineered" quite the fun.

Back to last night. We went to a roof top steak house over looking the Ohio River and downtown Cincinnati. It rotates 360 degrees in approximately one hour.

I wore my embroidered long flowing black skirt with lace tank top and even had to break out my black leather jacket for a cool evening.

As we arrived, we naturally had to take one of the elevators up to the eighteenth floor where the restaurant was. For years, I have suffered my own personal transgender PTSD for being trapped in a relatively small box with people I don't know. For some reason I think one of them is going to whisper, isn't that a guy?

This time though, one guy proceeded to introduce his party of four to Liz and I, so I survived the short journey. As it turned out, we had to climb a short set of steps before we could get to our table. Dinner was enjoyable and the waiter called us "ladies" several times. Then the fun started.

As we approached the stairwell which went down to the elevators, there were probably at least twenty people and/or families waiting for their tables. I suffer from a small case of vertigo on steps, so I had to be very careful as I felt every eye was on me. Fortunately, I didn't stumble and every person I glanced at was just giving me an empty stare.

Finally, to cap the evening, one of my worst fears was realized...riding down in the elevator with five wet rowdy kids, trying to get back to the swimming pool. Not escorted by any adults. They were pretty much just interested in themselves, so once again everything turned out fine. It wasn't all about me.

It was another fun evening and I can't wait to do it again!