Feminine Spirit

Back we go to Michelle West's comment concerning meshing your feminine spirit with your male physical being.

One of the most common questions I get, continues to be, when did I know I was transgender.

Looking back, I probably always had a feminine spirit I was trying to contain. My physical male self fought quite the battle for over a half century.

Along the way, I worked when I could on transforming my male side into something more palatable to my feminine spirit just screaming to get out. Each time I was able to cross dress and get a short fix, life seemed better for a short while. All too quickly though, my inner girl was screaming for more. Ironically, she didn't seem to understand I was doing the best I could and my male self was fighting too.

Life was hell, when both of my genders battled. I self medicated too much with alcohol and became a "macho" drinker. Along with that came participation in many ultra masculine activities, like sports and smoking cigars. What made life even more frustrating, was being a guy came so easy to me on occasions and was even fun. At the same time, I never lost my feminine compass.

Slowly but surely, my feminine side began to gain a bigger foothold as I cross dressed and went out a couple days a week. I learned small lessons each time but was forced to go back to guy mode and forget most of them.  I endured though, and even began to establish a small life where people only knew me as a woman...transgender or not.

Of course, we all know how this story ends. All the doors magically began to open in my early 60's and I was able to complete a MTF gender transition. For years now, I have been able to live on HRT full time as a woman.

It took my feminine spirit a long time to do it but like any patient woman, she knew what she wanted and she got it. 

Spiritual versus Physical Transgender

Melissa West sent this comment into Cyrsti's Condo which prompted me to think about a different Mtf gender transition idea. It came via another comment from Connie.

Melissa WestJuly 22, 2018 at 8:57 AM

"Thank you Crysti for posting the FabulousConneDee comment.

I strongly identify with her last two paragraphs even though I am a continent away (UK England) and have not seen Lost in Transition. I had planned to move over to taking pharma hormones but I now realize that I am not yet ready. I have more work to do on self-acceptance and social integration into the female environment. In other words, my spiritual journey needs to catch up with my physical journey."

As I said, I never considered my spiritual versus physical transition., but it is a very real deal. And, it took me years to merge the two. Thanks to  you Melissa. Here is Connie's comment she referred to:

"I found it hard to understand how these trans women could be all-in on the hormones and surgeries before even taking the rudimentary step toward social transition. Whatever happened to the rule of living authentically for a year beforehand? I think it's a wise thing to do, even if it's not a requirement. If you are not able to accept your feminine-self, or can't cope with presenting yourself to the world without a professional makeover, then your chances of being happy with yourself are greatly reduced.

Of course, I think I've been successful with my transition because I've done it the right way! Then, I think again and realize that no two transitions are the same - nor are any two trans women. You won't see my wife and I on this show, if it is extended, however."

Finally, here is a link to the original post.

Super Trans!

From the "Hollywood Reporter" :

"The CW's Supergirl is making some important TV history.

The DC Comics drama has enlisted transgender activist and actress Nicole Maines to play TV's first transgender superhero.

Maines will join the fourth season of the Warner Bros. TV-produced drama as Nia Nal (aka Dreamer), a character described as a soulful young transgender woman with a fierce drive to protect others. Nia's journey in season four means fulfilling her destiny as the superhero Dreamer, which is similar to Kara's (Melissa Benoist) journey to become Supergirl."

"The role arrives as transgender stories are becoming increasingly common on the small screen. FX's dance musical Pose, already renewed for a second season, set a TV record earlier this year for the largest cast of transgender characters portrayed by transgender series regulars"

Just a Touch

Finally! In Deborah Boland's Fabulous After 40 fashion blog, I glimpsed my first view of Fall fashion. For several reasons, fall is my favorite time of the year. First, the weather is cooling down and the leaves are turning beautiful colors. Second, I love the fashions with soft sweaters and boots returning to the fashion scene and three, fall always represented to me a certain finality of change. One of which could finally propel me into a dreamed of life of living as a woman. 

Plus, as I looked at this outfit, I remembered the boots I have which look just like these. Somehow, I had tucked them away and forgot I had them! So I have a brand new pair for this fall. And, of course I love the jeans and sweater! Can't wait for Fall!

Stuck to the Tube?

I guess the correct way to say it these days is "binge watching" a certain television or cable show on whatever media you choose.

All season long, I stayed fairly current with the TLC Network show, Lost in Transition. As with anything else in the transgender community, the show had to deal with many complex situations as it followed the lives of four couples dealing with the husband coming out as trans.

Connie followed up with us here in Cyrsti's Condo on her take on the show:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJuly 19, 2018 at 12:55 PM

"I did a mini-binge watch of episodes 7, 8, and 9 a couple of days ago when it was 93 degrees outside and I didn't feel like moving around anyway. I cried a few times, but not for the couples who were breaking up over their respective transitions. Rather, I cried for the acceptance of family and friends for the others; happy tears!

I decided to watch the series based on your blog post, but I was still a little tentative about it. So much of these shows seem so decisive in their edited presentations, and I get so tired of the "reveals" and comparisons of the subjects' presentations between male and female. There was definitely some of that here, but I put up with it in order to see how the wives handled their husbands' transitions. After all, my wife and I just celebrated our 46th anniversary last month, and I'm still in awe of my wife for sticking with me through all of this - even if our relationship has changed significantly as a result of it. I can't say that my transition and relationship fit into any of the experiences these couples demonstrated, but my wife would probably relate to every concern these wives had. I say "would probably" because she has no interest in seeing this show.

The one thing that I liked was that the producers brought out the fact that a transgender person's transition is not hers/his alone, but requires transitioning by everyone else concerned. I have been very mindful of that reality throughout my own transition, and that may be the reason I'm still married. Still, as I have said since day one of our marriage (throughout the many years of my repression and beyond) that my wife deserves most all of the credit for its success. Musicians don't always make the best partners, anyway, but throw in the gender identity thing and........

I found it hard to understand how these trans women could be all-in on the hormones and surgeries before even taking the rudimentary step toward social transition. Whatever happened to the rule of living authentically for a year beforehand? I think it's a wise thing to do, even if it's not a requirement. If you are not able to accept your feminine-self, or can't cope with presenting yourself to the world without a professional makeover, then your chances of being happy with yourself are greatly reduced.

Of course, I think I've been successful with my transition because I've done it the right way! Then, I think again and realize that no two transitions are the same - nor are any two trans women. You won't see my wife and I on this show, if it is extended, however."

Thanks! Congratulations on your Anniversary. :)

Extensions

Looking back at the television show on TLC, "Lost in Transition,"  I think enough time has passed not to have to issue a "spoiler alert."

I think the producers did a fairly decent job of tying up many of the loose ends which occur when long term couples split up from transgender issues...or don't. Two couples on the show were very much on the relationship ropes and two weren't.

What was nice was all of the trans women managed make-overs somehow and appeared presentable. Especially the one from rural Washington State who was going to attempt to move her family to Wisconsin to look for a suitable job.

Of particular interest to me through out the entire series was the couple from California. Not only did the wife have many of the similar ideas of going into a transgender relationship that my deceased wife had, they even shared the same name. The back and forth between the couple continued full force until the end. I think once both of them saw the trans woman after a quality makeover, they knew they could never go back.

It was like another of the transgender women said, "I finally saw my true self in the mirror."

Then, there was the "go to hell" breakup with the couple from Ohio. Which could have been the most truthful of the four.

All in all, I think the producers of the show tried and succeeded in covering quite a bit of complicated ground in a short period of time.

Maybe the show will be "extended" into next season.

Acceptance?

I have a fairly new acquaintance who considers herself transgender.

In one sentence she is bemoaning her voice, or her looks. In the next, she is validating her femininity by the number of "straight" guys she dates. She seems to be a bit confused when I tell her the "straight" term is a bit murky.

I haven't old her yet my theory, dating men is fine but you haven't even began to make it in the world as a transgender woman, until you receive/earn acceptance from cis-women. In doing so, you begin to understand what it is really like to live. Women are much harder to gain real acceptance from than men in my world.

Why? Because men normally run from me and women interact. I have to be a more complex person to operate on their gender level. Men operate on very basic "power" levels, while women can outwardly really seem to accept you, until you do something wrong (like use the restroom) and the knife comes out.

Plus, as we all know, as transgender or even cross dressers, we have male admirers. Nothing wrong with any of that, but a problem lots of these guys have is coming to grasps with their own sexuality. It is their problem-not ours but we inherit it.

And, oh yes, I have told my acquaintance to be careful.

One never knows how easy to get the tables turned on you, until it happens to you. (As it has to me.) Unfortunately, it seems to be part of the feminization process. If anyone likes it, or not.

What to Wear?

When in doubt on what to write, which happens quite a bit when you write a daily blog, my mind normally turns to what I am going to wear.

As I think "back to the day", I remember Liz asking me what kind of woman I would become. Meaning, would I be more of a "girly-girl" needing makeup to even go out the door. Or, more of a "tom-boy"

Moving forward to today, I am a little of both. Even though I hesitate about not wearing makeup on my daily walk, I normally don't see anyone anyhow, so it is OK. Of course, anytime we are going out and will see the public, I always try to look my best...with makeup. Many times it doesn't matter on  these hot summer days, when makeup seems to disappear as fast as I put it on. Thank goodness for my smoother HRT induced skin!

Then, there are the clothes I wear. During the summer, I have several "softy" tank tops I wear around the house with an old pair of culottes. I have enough breast growth to tell but not enough to appear overly promiscuous. After all, we have a 20 year old man/boy running around here.

When I go out, I am still fond of my jeans and jeggings but seemingly am moving the bar upward with more feminine tops and my maxi dress. I also have have an embroidered long black skirt I plan on wearing to a picnic we are going to in early August along with the black and cream tank top I wore to Pride this year.

Over all, I guess I am starting to move the bar higher in the girly-girl department and out of the tom-boy scene.

It feels fun!

Monday, Monday

Not much interesting happening for me today. Tonight one of the cross dresser- transgender support groups I belong to is having a meeting discussing attempting to secure insurance as a transgender person. Since I am a trans vet and have all my health care through the Veteran's Administration, I have no need to go to the meeting.

Tomorrow could be be interesting because my other LGBTQ support group meets. One never knows what sort of interesting cast of characters could be attending.

I will let you know what happens.

I found this old picture I thought I would pass along. I didn't know ii even existed. It includes two of my oldest friends who accepted me...as me and helped me in my MTF gender transition more than I could ever say.

The woman on the right is the one we visited for the Fourth of July party.