We are writing a series of posts this week on MtF gender transitions and today we are moving away from establishing your femininity in the world into establishing an "inner" circle of friends or family (if you are lucky.)
I remember the evening around five years ago when I decided I was going to pursue the hormone route.-HRT. It was around the time the Veteran's Administration announced it would help transgender vets with the program.
Of course my first stop was with a VA psychologist whom I see off and on to this day. One of her first questions to me was what kind of a support system did I have built around me for this big of move.
I was able to answer that I had a very supportive daughter, a loving partner and two very good friends who helped me build a new life...more than I could say. So obviously the answer was yes. My days of hanging around gay venues and/or malls trying to feel feminine were over. I wanted/needed HRT to step to my next level of femininity. ***Not saying you have to do it this way, and shouldn't without a Doctor's supervision!
Years later as I look back, I have been able to broaden my circle of friends, as I have been able to meet some incredible people. Most incredibly, everytime I head around another corner, there is something new to discover.
Next, the power of confidence, aura and presentation.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Transition III
This week in Cyrsti's Condo, we have been running a series of posts on my perceptions of a MtF gender transition. Level One I called "Cross Dressing" and Level Two, I called "Tweener". Number Three I am going to call "S&S"...Successful and scared.
We finished up the last post writing about the "parallel lives" I was increasingly living. All of the sudden I was learning what my deceased wife said I would never know anything about-what a woman really went through in life. Certainly the existence was not the "kicks and giggles in heels" many think it to be, but a life I was coming to love. The more I understood it. At the least, people were beginning to relate to the new me and you know? I was scared on so many levels.
After all, here I was dumping all 60 plus years of male privilege in the trash at a time when merely having salt and pepper colored hair and goatee earned me a "Sir" if I deserved it or not.
I was scared too because I knew the next level was HRT and my male train was running out of track.
I was successful though because my transition felt so natural to me. For some reason I had been waiting for a moment of undeniable truth I was transgender.
There would be no turning back from that point forward.
We finished up the last post writing about the "parallel lives" I was increasingly living. All of the sudden I was learning what my deceased wife said I would never know anything about-what a woman really went through in life. Certainly the existence was not the "kicks and giggles in heels" many think it to be, but a life I was coming to love. The more I understood it. At the least, people were beginning to relate to the new me and you know? I was scared on so many levels.
After all, here I was dumping all 60 plus years of male privilege in the trash at a time when merely having salt and pepper colored hair and goatee earned me a "Sir" if I deserved it or not.
I was scared too because I knew the next level was HRT and my male train was running out of track.
I was successful though because my transition felt so natural to me. For some reason I had been waiting for a moment of undeniable truth I was transgender.
There would be no turning back from that point forward.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Transition Part II
Monday we started a series of posts here in Cyrsti's Condo on what I called my stages of a Mtf gender transition. I called Level One my "Cross Dressing" phase. Please remember, none of these stages are meant to disrespect anyone.
Today, I am going to name my second phase "Tweener." Why? As I look back on the years of trying my best to not face up to my true gender soul, I was in truth running from the fact my gender issues ran so much deeper than just putting on a dress and walking in the mall. These times were as tough on me as any adolescent kid going through puberty, except I didn't know which way I was headed.
The only certainty was, if I figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt I was transgender, I knew I could trash my life as I knew it. Family, job etc, all in a great big dumpster. So what did I do? Took it like a man. Tried to bluff my way through it and be as macho as I could and for the most part, it worked until little by little I started to slide to the inevitable.I knew that someday I would have to transition, or check out of this existence altogether.
Physically, being a tweener to me meant living a whole different existence. I had to no longer approach the world hoping I could "pass" as a woman. I needed to see if I could live as one.
Slowly but surely I ended up having separate but parallel lives going on, which was tough too. As it turned out though, a little toughness was going to help the tweener grow up and take on a whole new world as a woman.
Today, I am going to name my second phase "Tweener." Why? As I look back on the years of trying my best to not face up to my true gender soul, I was in truth running from the fact my gender issues ran so much deeper than just putting on a dress and walking in the mall. These times were as tough on me as any adolescent kid going through puberty, except I didn't know which way I was headed.
The only certainty was, if I figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt I was transgender, I knew I could trash my life as I knew it. Family, job etc, all in a great big dumpster. So what did I do? Took it like a man. Tried to bluff my way through it and be as macho as I could and for the most part, it worked until little by little I started to slide to the inevitable.I knew that someday I would have to transition, or check out of this existence altogether.
Physically, being a tweener to me meant living a whole different existence. I had to no longer approach the world hoping I could "pass" as a woman. I needed to see if I could live as one.
Slowly but surely I ended up having separate but parallel lives going on, which was tough too. As it turned out though, a little toughness was going to help the tweener grow up and take on a whole new world as a woman.
Stirring the "Hot Mess."
Most certainly if you have been around Cyrsti's Condo for any length of time, you know of Connie's name and regardless of what I write, my respect for her. If you wonder why read on:
"Transgender women of our age (and I'm going to stick with the three years that separate us for a few more weeks until I hit the big 6-5), grew up so clueless as to what and who we may have been. As you say, there was no internet to access, but the proper information wasn't available anywhere. What you call a "hot mess" was what I found to be an insidious "vicious circle", where acting out by cross dressing brought a temporary relief that carried with it a guilt that was equal to - or greater than - the amount of thrill of seeing the feminine self I felt to be inside. Soon, the required lying and deception became as much the thrill as dressing up was. All of the scheming, planning, and deception began taking up as much of my time as the actual act of cross dressing did. More importantly, it exhausted me on an emotional level and caused me to be a lesser spouse and parent than I wanted to be. Thus, more guilt and depression. I wasn't just an unhappy transgender(?) woman, I was a miserable excuse for a human being.
I remember when we became "friends" on that unnamed "TransNazi" site. If I remember correctly, you put in a friend request to me, siting my cynicism and love of blues music as your reasons. I don't think either of us had a lot of "friends" on that site, but we did have our fun being smart asses - for me, mostly in my comments on others' blog posts, including yours. We've both changed so much, yet here I am, still being a smart ass on your blog. At any rate, I believe that we both benefited from each other's misery, which eventually allowed us to step away from the "hot mess" or "vicious circle" we'd been in individually for so long. My cynical take on that would be that I learned I wasn't, at least, as screwed up as that Cyrsti chick. Truthfully, though, it was the knowledge that someone else had been going through much of the same shit for so many years that made it easier for me to move on. I've found that to be more of a moving off the stage than the moving on to a new one. I had thought myself to be such a good actor until I'd discovered that I was really a bad one."
See what you have done, I'm tearing up. Damn hormones!!!!
On another level though, my lack of a father figure guilt trip didn't seem to work on my kid, so all turned out better than I could have ever expected.
Maybe we could do a "bicoastal" weekly Podcast between Seattle and Cincinnati? :)
"Transgender women of our age (and I'm going to stick with the three years that separate us for a few more weeks until I hit the big 6-5), grew up so clueless as to what and who we may have been. As you say, there was no internet to access, but the proper information wasn't available anywhere. What you call a "hot mess" was what I found to be an insidious "vicious circle", where acting out by cross dressing brought a temporary relief that carried with it a guilt that was equal to - or greater than - the amount of thrill of seeing the feminine self I felt to be inside. Soon, the required lying and deception became as much the thrill as dressing up was. All of the scheming, planning, and deception began taking up as much of my time as the actual act of cross dressing did. More importantly, it exhausted me on an emotional level and caused me to be a lesser spouse and parent than I wanted to be. Thus, more guilt and depression. I wasn't just an unhappy transgender(?) woman, I was a miserable excuse for a human being.
I remember when we became "friends" on that unnamed "TransNazi" site. If I remember correctly, you put in a friend request to me, siting my cynicism and love of blues music as your reasons. I don't think either of us had a lot of "friends" on that site, but we did have our fun being smart asses - for me, mostly in my comments on others' blog posts, including yours. We've both changed so much, yet here I am, still being a smart ass on your blog. At any rate, I believe that we both benefited from each other's misery, which eventually allowed us to step away from the "hot mess" or "vicious circle" we'd been in individually for so long. My cynical take on that would be that I learned I wasn't, at least, as screwed up as that Cyrsti chick. Truthfully, though, it was the knowledge that someone else had been going through much of the same shit for so many years that made it easier for me to move on. I've found that to be more of a moving off the stage than the moving on to a new one. I had thought myself to be such a good actor until I'd discovered that I was really a bad one."
See what you have done, I'm tearing up. Damn hormones!!!!
On another level though, my lack of a father figure guilt trip didn't seem to work on my kid, so all turned out better than I could have ever expected.
Maybe we could do a "bicoastal" weekly Podcast between Seattle and Cincinnati? :)
Monday, April 18, 2016
First in a Series?
The more I work on Book #2 and see some of the ideas which I didn't use when I wrote "Stiletto's on Thin Ice" I have come to the realization they couldn't because they hadn't happened yet.
While I love a crystal ball as well as the next girl, life just doesn't work for me that way. This time though I began to think of a series of ideas I could use here in Cyrsti's Condo and the new book (title undecided).
First of all a disclaimer...This worked for me, barely, and is only my take on a very difficult journey. Also, my age is a factor too. There was no internet or super social media for most of my 67 years.
So, my first stage was as a cross dresser or transvestite. I did my best to sneak around and hide my habit from the world, while at the same time doing my best to accumulate a small collection of girl's clothing and makeup etc.
I separate my crossdressing stage from a different level of awareness when I began to feel just looking at myself in the mirror wasn't enough. There had to be more. Increasing a little voice was growing in my head telling me "There just had to be."
I also equate this time of my life with leaving a fetish stage of my life. Perhaps you read many cross dressers/transvestites who seem to cling to a specific article of women's clothing. (Like hose for an example.) I am not saying it is right or wrong, to each their own, but I just didn't. I wanted to look the best I could, but increasingly being a woman was overcoming looking like one in my mind. Sure shaved legs and panty hose felt great for a while until the world awaited to see you as a total person.
Looking back, this part of my life was equally scary, exciting and confusing, all in one huge hot mess. Unfortunately, the "hot mess" was to continue for nearly fifty years before I had enough courage to look inside my soul for real answers.
In the meantime, stage two for me was taking tentative looks out side the closet to see what the world was, or could be like for me.
While I love a crystal ball as well as the next girl, life just doesn't work for me that way. This time though I began to think of a series of ideas I could use here in Cyrsti's Condo and the new book (title undecided).
First of all a disclaimer...This worked for me, barely, and is only my take on a very difficult journey. Also, my age is a factor too. There was no internet or super social media for most of my 67 years.
So, my first stage was as a cross dresser or transvestite. I did my best to sneak around and hide my habit from the world, while at the same time doing my best to accumulate a small collection of girl's clothing and makeup etc.
I separate my crossdressing stage from a different level of awareness when I began to feel just looking at myself in the mirror wasn't enough. There had to be more. Increasing a little voice was growing in my head telling me "There just had to be."
I also equate this time of my life with leaving a fetish stage of my life. Perhaps you read many cross dressers/transvestites who seem to cling to a specific article of women's clothing. (Like hose for an example.) I am not saying it is right or wrong, to each their own, but I just didn't. I wanted to look the best I could, but increasingly being a woman was overcoming looking like one in my mind. Sure shaved legs and panty hose felt great for a while until the world awaited to see you as a total person.
Looking back, this part of my life was equally scary, exciting and confusing, all in one huge hot mess. Unfortunately, the "hot mess" was to continue for nearly fifty years before I had enough courage to look inside my soul for real answers.
In the meantime, stage two for me was taking tentative looks out side the closet to see what the world was, or could be like for me.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"
Ker Plunk! Another Sunday Edition has hit your virtual front porch! It's a beautiful day around here in Southwestern Ohio, so grab a cup of joe (coffee) or tea and lets get started!
Page One: The Week that Was -or Wasn't: As poor Japan continues to sort through the devastation from a series of major earthquakes and aftershocks...North Carolina continues to go through their own. Following the close to unprecedented anti LGBT law passed there, companies, organizations and entertainers continue to announce boycotts against the state. Make no mistake about it, this is a huge fight which goes far beyond the borders of North Carolina. As you remember, Georgia's outgoing governor vetoed a similar bill, and rumblings have started in South Carolina and Tennessee. I would think Tennessee in particular would have to tread lightly because of a huge tourism industry. Stay tuned!
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| Rachel Dovel |
Currently the Library Board is giving her request the "sand test." Otherwise known as we will stick our head in the sand and see if it goes away.
The problem the board has is that the building is the background (white) I believe in the Kroger's headquarters and in the other direction is the Macy's headquarters and finally down the street is Cincinnati City Hall-all of which cover transgender transitions in their insurance. It's time to say, "Really Library-REALLY????"
Page Three: Such a Week! From a short stint on a public radio station to a full fledged photo shoot (not to mention a paranormal evening) this week was a blast! For such an unsymmetrical person, I just am fascinated when things in my life line up, symmetrically. Recently I learned a little about doing a "Soul Collage" from my dear friend (and muse) Trish.
During the afternoon, we paused to do an animal meditation to see if one appeared. An owl appeared in mine clear as day.Then, last night, Liz was doing some sort of "Goddess" spin on Facebook and who showed up? Athena and an Owl!
Needless to say, I was dazzled. Ok, my disclaimer here is I am still really new to much of this so if I lead you the wrong way, calm down!
Page Four: The Back Page: Before we take the dogs and us! out to enjoy this glorious day, it's time to point out too, I am a transgender woman. So, while it may not seem to be as important to me as having a run in my hose or wearing the right set of heels, it still is. Just in differing ways. An example? I don't wear panty hose but I need to be careful about getting to much sun light. Which drives my iron level thru the roof. (Not good.) So trans or not, I have a bit of a different way I have to set up my wardrobe.
At any rate, another story for another day!!!!! Everyone be good (or safe). I love you all and thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo!
Friday, April 15, 2016
What The Hell Just Happened?
Such a day! I was able to sneak in a blog post before lunch, aggravate one of my readers (sorry) and have time to accept a last minute invite on a local radio show here in Cincinnati (WAIF). It's hosted by a guy who is certain the Christian faith (his) is under attack and indirectly, the LGBT movement seemingly has something to do with that.
It's my second stint on his show and I didn't see/hear much progress from a guy who when approached about the extremely high rate of transgender suicide, simply said all teenagers kill themselves. The worst part is this guy is a therapist of sorts.
At any rate, fantasy time was over. The other two panelists and him went on and I had another appointment, which was the photo shoot I have told you all about.
First of all, this was the real deal and I guarantee I have never had that many pictures taken of me in my life-total. The pix are being taken with me and six other women for a gallery showing from the photographer this fall. I have no idea if I was the only trans woman, or if all were. At any rate, it was yet another unique and special day, compliments of being trans (for a change). I do know she will be compiling a book later too. As soon as I can get any ideas of when and how, I will send them along!
Finally, I tagged along with a paranormal team Liz works with, and that my friends is an experience for another day!
It's my second stint on his show and I didn't see/hear much progress from a guy who when approached about the extremely high rate of transgender suicide, simply said all teenagers kill themselves. The worst part is this guy is a therapist of sorts.
At any rate, fantasy time was over. The other two panelists and him went on and I had another appointment, which was the photo shoot I have told you all about.
First of all, this was the real deal and I guarantee I have never had that many pictures taken of me in my life-total. The pix are being taken with me and six other women for a gallery showing from the photographer this fall. I have no idea if I was the only trans woman, or if all were. At any rate, it was yet another unique and special day, compliments of being trans (for a change). I do know she will be compiling a book later too. As soon as I can get any ideas of when and how, I will send them along!
Finally, I tagged along with a paranormal team Liz works with, and that my friends is an experience for another day!
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Sometimes Life Goes Too Fast
First of all, I really like your input on my email, but if you want it not to go on the blog, just tell me too. Be up front as it doesn't bother me, I'm just not the sharpest tack in the box sometimes.
This week alone, I had breakfast with my daughter who has her hands more than full with three kids. I am fairly sure I am the last one to offer up a whole lot of advice. Except when my mind is screaming advise!
Then, today, Thursday, is when I have been invited to a photo shoot of sorts for an art exhibit here in Cincinnati which explains the differing roles of women. I have been fairly vague about it here because I am not totally sure what to expect. Which is my favorite scenario.
Plus I just received an invitation to go back on a local radio show here discussing all the recent LGBT turmoil from laws passed and proposed.
Thinking ahead to my "talking point" on the show, it's all fairly simple. Our opponents can't get past the fact we don't see ourselves as men or women and instead keep falling back on the well worn "man in a women's restroom."
The problem being, many so called transgender allies can't see past it either.
Now, back to John Kasich. I think he would make a good candidate because he is a "centrist" Republican. Plus no one really has had a chance to know the guy because of all the dust storms stirred up by other candidates. Like any other politician, there are a lot of peeps here in Ohio like him and some don't!
This week alone, I had breakfast with my daughter who has her hands more than full with three kids. I am fairly sure I am the last one to offer up a whole lot of advice. Except when my mind is screaming advise!
Then, today, Thursday, is when I have been invited to a photo shoot of sorts for an art exhibit here in Cincinnati which explains the differing roles of women. I have been fairly vague about it here because I am not totally sure what to expect. Which is my favorite scenario.
Plus I just received an invitation to go back on a local radio show here discussing all the recent LGBT turmoil from laws passed and proposed.
Thinking ahead to my "talking point" on the show, it's all fairly simple. Our opponents can't get past the fact we don't see ourselves as men or women and instead keep falling back on the well worn "man in a women's restroom."
The problem being, many so called transgender allies can't see past it either.
Now, back to John Kasich. I think he would make a good candidate because he is a "centrist" Republican. Plus no one really has had a chance to know the guy because of all the dust storms stirred up by other candidates. Like any other politician, there are a lot of peeps here in Ohio like him and some don't!
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Feeling the Pain
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