Monday we started a series of posts here in Cyrsti's Condo on what I called my stages of a Mtf gender transition. I called Level One my "Cross Dressing" phase. Please remember, none of these stages are meant to disrespect anyone.
Today, I am going to name my second phase "Tweener." Why? As I look back on the years of trying my best to not face up to my true gender soul, I was in truth running from the fact my gender issues ran so much deeper than just putting on a dress and walking in the mall. These times were as tough on me as any adolescent kid going through puberty, except I didn't know which way I was headed.
The only certainty was, if I figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt I was transgender, I knew I could trash my life as I knew it. Family, job etc, all in a great big dumpster. So what did I do? Took it like a man. Tried to bluff my way through it and be as macho as I could and for the most part, it worked until little by little I started to slide to the inevitable.I knew that someday I would have to transition, or check out of this existence altogether.
Physically, being a tweener to me meant living a whole different existence. I had to no longer approach the world hoping I could "pass" as a woman. I needed to see if I could live as one.
Slowly but surely I ended up having separate but parallel lives going on, which was tough too. As it turned out though, a little toughness was going to help the tweener grow up and take on a whole new world as a woman.