Been There...Done It

One of the most frustrating, destructive and disappointing times of my life were what I called the "middle years".  If I was to put a date on them, I would say from the time I was 25 to approx 50.  I fought as hard as I could to do anything to stay firmly in the closet and not face the truth about how I identified. Was I a cross dresser, transgender person or transsexual? I would not wish the process on my worst enemy but looking back, I can simply tell you, I got through it- worse for wear.

Along the way, even back in the day I did find a beacon of hope called Tri Ess. The organization which was so instrumental in getting me out of the closet has faded away for me but every once in awhile, one of you passes along a comment about "Tri Ess".. Recently,  Pat brought them up with this comment on her name:

"I sort of backed into my name when I joined Tri-Ess some 20 years ago. When sending in my paperwork I was surely not going to disclose my real name. After all before even sending them a letter of inquiry I went an set up a post office box for my T mail. When they asked for my name I simply looked at my initials and went with that as a first name and the name of a co-worker as a last name. When I first became active on the internet I picked a name based on what I saw in front of me at the time"

And Dear Abby, referenced them in this answer to a transvestite getting busted by his neighbors:

"Dear Abby: I am a happily married, heterosexual cross-dressing male. My wife understands and is supportive, and we have a wonderful life together. During the past week I have been caught unexpectedly by three different neighbors, and we are now in a state of panic. We're not sure what to do. If you have any suggestions, we are all ears. — CAUGHT IN A PANIC

 Dear Caught: Because you would prefer to keep your cross-dressing private and this is October, you could tell your neighbors your female attire is what you'll be wearing to a costume party. It's plausible. However, when someone is "caught" engaging in a private activity once — that's an accident. When it happens three times in one week, I can't help but wonder whether on some level you would like to be more open about your lifestyle.

 If you're not aware, a resource, The Society for the Second Self (Tri-Ess International), offers support for heterosexual cross-dressers as well as their spouses, partners and families. It has been in my column before and is the oldest and largest support organization for cross-dressers and those who love them. It promotes cross-dressing with dignity and decency, and treats spouses on an equal basis with their cross-dressers. You can learn more about it at www.tri-ess.org."

The part of the answer which said,  "perhaps on some level you want to be more open about your lifestyle" definitely resonated with me.  I was crying out for help and no one was listening, not even me.

Transwoman Admirer out of the Closet

A very touchy (no pun intended) subject in the transgender community is how "male admirers" fit in, or don't.  It's a true, "damned if you do, damned if you don't subject."  If course a huge majority of trans women covet the attention from a man for any number of reasons. Some transgender women seek a male for companionship, or for validation or sexual needs.

Over the years though, the term "admirer" has been known in very negative terms. In my own life I can see why with my limited contacts with "admirers". Fair or not, the majority of my experiences were on line "back in the day" when I was seriously transitioning for the first time.  As I have written in Cyrsti's Condo, I tried to give each gender an equal look. Before I did anything in the process,  I had to get past the validation factor. Like any other cross dresser trying to "pass" over the years I fantasized about being on the arm of a man to further the process.  As I transitioned though, I wondered about a guy accepting me for what I am and vice versa.

Turned out, that was difficult. I went on a couple main line paid dating sites which were tough to navigate because of their lack of any transgender groups at all. In other words, their sites were set up in strict gender binaries only. Men wanting women, women wanting women, men wanting men etc. After a while I would change groups every week ago, because I could.  The results? Two one and done dates and numerous "no shows".  So you guess I can I'm reasonably biased against admirers and that is wrong. Why? Being trans I should be the last to  stereotype any other group, specifically admirers, as I read in this post from Salon called, "I'm attracted to Trans Women":

"The heteronormative world in which we live had successfully convinced me that being attracted to transgender women meant I had a fetish. I began questioning my sexuality and even my masculinity. I didn’t even know what to call my sexual orientation. Finally one day, after hours of searching, I came across two terms that described what I was feeling. Trans-attraction and trans-orientation.

Neither one is official or common, but their use is growing due to the increasing demand for a way to categorize people who are attracted to transgender people. When I saw these words, a feeling of relief washed over me: I was not alone. I don’t always describe myself as trans-attracted, but the label helped me feel like I had a place in the queer community and it helps others understand my sexuality."

The simple act of the matter is we probably are facing most of the same obstacles to relationships with men as genetic women.  The sexual tension is always there but how do you build a relationship around it? Talk to most any single  woman of any age at all and she will bemoan the lack of quality men in the dating pool.

The sad part about all of this admirer drama is we trans women do provide certain positives we can bring to a relationship. Which is another subject.

On the bright side Shelle, one of regular visitors here in Cyrsti's Condo, has a great success story I want to pass along.  She found a male type person in the most unlikely of places. Because she didn't quit. Follow the link above for the story. I totally respect Shelle, because I can't tell you how many other trans girls I have interacted with who told me they had tried all the sites I was on with no luck and they quit them.  Then they wondered why they were sitting at home by themselves - miserable.

One way or another, admirers represent a very unique dynamic in our community with their own set of gender/sexuality issues. Only they can decide if they want a transgender woman for more than a one night stand in a cheap motel. There I go with another stereotype, sorry!

Bikers and Breasts

Or at least Bikers and fake breasts in this case.  I have been looking for this "Sons of Anarchy" clip with Walton Goggins cross dressed as a woman for a while.  If you caught any of his thoughts on the whole scene, he had a fascinating look at how a group of male actors responded to him.  Many of them had even worked with him in the past and I can't remember who he said it was who truly came on to him.

Here's the clip on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen:

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

"As you ramble on through life, whatever be your goal,
   Keep your eye on the quality, not on the toll."

Found on the back of a vintage restaurant menu from the 1940's.

Living the Halloween Dream

This experience goes way back into the days when I got out of the Army in the mid 1970's. I did what every other returning vet did (not),  used my GI Bill to get a second degree and bought a little bar with a friend.  My Dad came up with the classic quote about the bar when he said "At least it has two doors, so the flies don't have to stop when they pass through."

Of course I was into "warp" mode as far as my cross dressing activities were concerned. After years of forced depredation from anything feminine in the Army, the last Halloween party I went to before I got out primed the pump so to speak or the lipstick.

Last Halloween 

To put the time sequence in perspective, I was discharged in January, my first wife in March and we were married later that year.  I was out to her as a cross dresser and she made the comment (I have mentioned here in Crysti's Condo) that she really didn't know which one of me was going to pick her up at the airport.  She is a very good person, the mother of my daughter and we see each other and get along to this day...but... she is a just very easy going person. Sometimes I thought if I came home and said I'm going to go for SRS tomorrow, she just would have said that's cool dear. I know some of you will think,  "Wow, that IS  cool!" You have to understand me. If something is too easy then something is lurking in the shadows to nip you in the rear plus I had a very conservation macho family to consider too.

At any rate, Halloween that year turned out to be fun filled trip over to Columbus (Ohio) where one of the newly restored Victorian theaters was having a "Spook Out".  At midnight they were presenting the classic silent "Phantom of the Opera" with the restored house organ presenting the music. We went with another couple who were "kind of " in costume which I was too-mini skirt, long hair, heels, hose and all.

All these years later, I remember several things. First of all, this was one of my first experiences of feeling how uncomfortable an extended time walking in heels could be plus a mini skirt is wonderful to be admired in the mirror,  but took constant work to move in modestly.  Secondly, for the most part I wasn't even noticed at all because of all the other wonderful costumes. I still remember the guy dressed as the Pope, complete with two other guys following him in costume holding his cape.

As much of a rush these early Halloween's were though, the more painful they became later.  The next day I was already trying to figure out what my next cross dressing experience was going to be.  A very difficult process which made me a very grumpy person.  The problem was I knew staying home in front of the mirror in a dress just wasn't going to be enough and I had no idea of what enough may actually be.  So I took my "Halloween Fix" and moved on.

Cyrsti"s Condo "Horror Scope"

Here we go kids the latest "Horror Scope" for all you Libra's!

(September 23-October 22): There will be many obnoxious requests made of you this week, which will be killing your mojo. Yes, another person will be extra selfish these days and will overstep their boundaries more than once. So, pay attention to the lines they want to cross and start closing those openings. It doesn’t have to be for forever, but it certainly can’t be now.

You all are lucky, I have no thoughts about this "scope" at all. Just don't request any! lol! For your "scope" go here to theFrisky!

Cyrsti's Condo Shopping Tip

Many of us know the ultimate benefits of thrift shopping other than the obvious goal of saving money.

Thrift stores are places you can go where barely anyone notices you if you are shy and the prices are such you can "experiment" on sizes and styles which may look good on you or fit at all. I can't tell you how many two dollar clothing items I bought over the years which went back into a box and re donated  to the store.

I just subscribed to another fashion site called The Beauty Thesis and as luck would have it, my first email mentioned this:


"Ask an attendant where they keep their collection of designer jeans currently in stock (they usually keep them locked up somewhere up front so people don’t steal them and sell them for a much higher price). The attendant will let you try on any pair you like, and amazingly they always have plenty of different brand names on hand such as 7 for all mankind, Joe’s Jeans, True Religion, and I’ve seen a couple pairs of Citizens of Humanity jeans in there a few times as well. They’re not lacking on the sizes either!

 I was able to find and try on seven pairs of jeans in my size; a couple pairs of 7 jeans, a couple pairs of Joe’s Jeans, a couple pairs of True Religions, and a pair of Citizens that ended up being too short. That’s a rare occurrence for me because I’m only 5 feet tall! But, I guess that’s one of the downsides to buying recycled clothes, you have to deal with the possible alterations that have been done to them. Either way it’s always a steal if you can find a pair you like when the price range is only from about $20-$40 per pair. I found a $350 pair of jeweled “A Pocket” 7 jeans and they were only $18.99! So if you’re budget conscious, stylish and appreciate high quality denim, but would rather skip out on the high price then definitely consider checking out some recycled designer jeans sold at The Goodwill near you!"

As I always point out, if you are like me, there isn't a cold chance in Hades that any of the jeans she mentioned would fit me but I also know as transgender women or cross dressers we have to be better than genetic women in adapting to what we have to work with to even survive.  So I'm always looking for any edge I can get.

This is one of them!

Investment Property?

From QNews a chance for you to invest in a very interesting property:

Carmen

"The name Carmen is synonymous with the transgender world in both Australia and New Zealand. And now is your chance to buy into a colourful slice of history, the Dominion Post reports. The former brothel of Carmen Rupe, renowned drag performer, anti-discrimination and HIV/AIDS activist, is on the market. In her 1988 autobiography, Having A Ball: My Life, Carmen described the century-old home in Hataitai, Wellington as the “ideal place for the discreet entertainment of clients”.

 If only the walls could talk – rumours were rife at the time that MPs and prominent businessmen frequented the brothel. Several rooms were themed “to cater for clients' fantasies”, including an Egyptian room, an African jungle room, a bondage room and an Asian room fitted out with lanterns and bamboo curtains. Its days as a brothel came to an end in the early 1970s when a so-called “evil landlord” made Carmen and her “parlour maids” move out."

Around the World We Go!

Transgender, transsexual news and more from Cyrsti's Condo:

Vietnam:


Quynh Tram is one of few people who have ID cards re-granted after sex reassignment surgery.
This is actually a series of posts from trans news in Vietnam. Go here for more.








From Italy: "Paola Conte (shown at right) is a married transsexual and is a foster mother to a young daughter. She also has a distinguished career. She is speaking up against the stereotypes of transsexual women only as prostitutes and more here.

From the UK (of course!)
"A transgender woman has been expelled from her social club after an incident in the ladies loo. Hinoi Tonkin, who used to be 21-stone Keith but has slimmed down to nine stone, was already under suspension at the club. But she was formally thrown out after a meeting of the committee last week at Beechwood, Easterside and District Social Club in Middlesbrough." Go here for more.

I'm tired of all the traveling! Plus I'm sure there will be more to pass along soon.