All Dressed up and Scared to Death

To catch everyone up here in Cyrsti's Condo, I'm putting together a "Ten Greatest Hits" list for my book. This one comes from around 1995:

For the longest time I was treading water and trying not to drown. For the right reasons of trying to discover who I was and the wrong reasons of sneaking around the backs of my loved ones to do it, I made the giant leap of faith into the real world as a trans girl. As you may guess, a very scary proposition. For years I had been testing the waters in gay venues and harmless shopping trips but never had I hitched up my big girl panties and went out into the world.

The place I decided to go was a slightly upscale chain restaurant with a busy bar. I chose it because at that time I managed venues similar to it. I knew what to expect from the crew and management. Company policy would dictate as long as I didn’t create much of a stir, my money was good. Remember, this was way before any discrimination laws concerning transgender patrons in public places. I also had scouted this place and knew the clientele around 9 PM included quite a few single working women just getting off of their jobs at a big nearby mall. To blend I would have to attempt go dress in a professional business attire but not go over the top. Actually a perfect match to my wardrobe of the day.

All of the process was easy until I summoned enough courage to actually do it. I dressed in black dress slacks and a burgundy blouse with flats and my long blond wig I was fond of then.. The place I was heading was nearly 20 minutes or so from my house so the good news was I had a chance to calm down and regulate my breathing before I got there. The bad news was I had a longer time to stay a complete nervous wreck before I arrived. But arrive I did.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I made a futile attempt to find the non existent oxygen tank in the car for breathing emergencies such as this. Instead I pulled down the lighted mirror in the car and made one last stab at fixing my make up and hair. After the 15 minutes which seemed like a life time, I summoned up all my courage, left the safety of the car and headed for the entrance which I knew held the keepers of the castle, the Hostesses. From experience I knew “Hosti” are a finicky and funny bunch. They are the “gate keepers” who in a second could sound the alarm of an intruder in their midst who wasn’t all she appeared to be. My experience also told me though to time my entrance at a moment when they were seating others and then make an end run for bar seating. The “end run” seemed like a mile but I made it to the bar area without falling down or making any other kind of a spectacle of myself.

The bar itself was in the shape of a “U”. The closed end was supported by two columns which went up through the ceiling and ended on the bar. As I approached, I felt like I was back in Army basic training looking for cover. As luck would have it I found a seat next to one of the columns and tried to make myself part of it. After all of the drama though, here I was dressed as a woman in a world full of strangers who oddly enough were not paying me any attention. A person who would was on her way! Without a care in the world she invaded my thoughts with “how are you, can I get you a menu to get started?” Really? Was that it? Wasn’t she going to say “we don’t serve guys in dresses, get out?” No, of course she didn’t and as it turned out she served me drinks and food for over a decade at the same place. I felt like I had arrived as a woman (wrong) but I felt this experience made the list for more than the obvious reasons.

The evening did make the top ten because I did make the gender jump to the other side, or thought I did. But then I had to consider if I indeed could continue to exist as a trans girl in the everyday world, did I want to? I had opened Pandora’s Box and had to decide if I liked all that I discovered. From the outside I was drawn to all glitter and bling but would soon continue to discover a multitude of other contents in the box. I was to discover later I had just scratched the surface with my stick on nails, and many not so pleasant learning experiences were to follow. Plus I had the biggest issue of all, the continuing issue of the effects of all of this on my wife. 

So, at this point I just decided the absolute wrong path was the right one to take - the  status quo. Stay tuned! 

A Ten Percenter

Lately I seem to have been watching several shows on Biker Gangs.  Some are known as "one percenters" because of their life styles. 99% of bike gangs are law abiding guys next door. These guys, not so much.

At any rate, I began to think of myself as one of the ten percenters, because of the recently released figures which showed that only 10% of the overall public has ever met a transgender person.

By then I was I was thinking of a fashionable line of leather 10% coats, vests, jewelry and skirts.  Plus, maybe a 10% "T" tattoo would be cool too!

Then I figured with my luck new facts and figures would come out and transgender women and men would move up a point or two in the standings.  My whole line of clothing, tats and even jewelry would be obsolete!

I would be quickly becoming a fan of those transitioned transsexuals to stay in their closets and leave my income alone!

Jumping Closets Part 200

You all know how my stealth soapboxes here in Cyrsti's Condo are some of my favorites to pull out and preach from.
I finally came to my own little neat and tidy stereotype that stealth is simply jumping from one closet to another. You were in hiding before, and still are.  I say stereotype because of course there are all sorts of shades of gray with this issue.

The Transadvocate site is running a very good in depth series of discussions on the subject called "You're Only as Transitioned and Stealth as the Next Person says your Aren't.

Here's the Editors Note to give you a quick look:

"Editor’s Note: This is part of a series on “stealth.” The goal of this series to examine the nuanced ways trans opinion leaders conceptualize stealth and how they feel about it. Suzan Cooke kicked off the series with her article, The Many Shades of Stealth. It should be noted that TA is not endorsing any one view, definition or conceptualization. As with the elephant parable, each perception presented in this series represents one representation of the truth; taken together, it’s hoped that this series will provide a more comprehensive conceptualization of stealth and what it means to an oppressed community. Articles in this series: The Many Shades of Stealth | A Rant About MTF “Stealth” | Passing and Stealth: Two Words We Should Lose? | Stealth Doesn’t Help The Trans Community | You’re Only as Transitioned and Stealth as the Next Person Says You Aren’t. "

Follow the link above for the article.

80's Drag Milf Makeover

Not your grocery store or mall look, but a dramatic drag makeover on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen. The "80's Milf" look description is his and probably proves he is too young to remember the 1980's:

Transgender and Married

We all know there are a select set of women who are inclined to accept a transgender relationship.  I found a video to pass along on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen about one such couple:

Looking For Jenna's Marbles

Jenna Marbles is a YouTube sensation who has like a zillion subscribers and peeps following her video's. So far this vid has something like 53 million views.

As you know, I rarely pass along any content here in Cyrsti's Condo which is not transgender - cross dresser material but Jenna is too fun to pass up!

This is called "How to trick people into thinking you are good looking". A subject many of us deal with a lot!

Cyrsti's Condo Fashion Beat

No part of the transgender woman or cross dresser's body can be as frustrating as our arms. By comparison, our legs are usually an asset which can be covered or shaved and covered by pants during our male lives.

Thick wrists, biceps and thick shoulder areas are just problems which just don't easily go away but like in everything else can be camouflaged to an extent. For the longest time, I went about my merry way thinking genetic women don't have much in the way of arm fashion to consider. In true form though, I was wrong. Genetic women have to consider all of their fashion options to present their best look and of course I am considering mine as fashion choices continue to change for me. Now as  I'm able to remove all of my arm hair and HRT is decreasing the size of my biceps, I'm in a whole new ball game.

Now you are not going to confuse me with a pencil thin ballerina but I do have plenty of dilemmas and inherent insecurities with the sleeveless summer fashions. After tons of personal fashion drama, I came to the conclusion I was going to wear most of the summer fashions because I could. Having said that, there are different styles of very feminine tops to choose from. Let's start with sleeveless tops.  Sleeveless in my book could mean no sleeves, sleeves which barely cover the tops of my arms and the traditional t-shirt length sleeves  So some I should wear and some I shouldn't wear,  just because I supposedly can.

To give you an example, I'm adding a picture (left) you probably have seen from last summer when I was still wearing wigs.. I like this top for several reasons. It is soft and feels fun plus shows off my assets. Also, this top is long and comes down nicely over my hips, which is important since a years worth of HRT is actually providing real change in the hip area.  A whole other discussion!

Now, to add some real fashion expertise to the discussion, I recently ran across an article I thought you girls may be interested in from a site called Fabulous after 40 called: "You’re Covered Perfectly with this New Line of 40+ Clothing."

Here's a bit of the "angst" from the genetic angle:"I was looking for something to wear to a party, and nothing was working. There I was standing in front of the mirror, with a pile of clothes on the bed, feeling very frustrated. Then I realized it’s not me, it’s my clothes. The sleeves on my clothes were too short to cover that part of my arms that I’d rather not reveal. The tops weren’t long enough to cover my tummy."

It struck me as ironic that I know most women are paranoid about the jiggly skin under their arms while I am extremely self conscious about what I consider is a weird softening in the middle of my bicep on top of my arm.

Jump on over to the article and check out Pauline Durban who has come to the rescue. At 56 Pauline came up with the brilliant idea for a clothing line called, Covered Perfectly and of course the link is there.

Finally I love to wrap up our little fashion discussions with my little pep talk.

If you want to try to play in the girl's sandbox, you have to do the best you can to do it to the best of your ability!

Cyrsti's Condo Remembers...

Actor Lee Pace's dramatic transformation to Calpernia Addams for the movie Soldier Girl:

Marching to the Beat of a Different Drummer

Transgender veterans Really know that feeling.
I was recently reminded vividly of how fortunate I am to be able to write here in Cyrsti's Condo of my experiences as a trans veteran and more precisely how the process works for me in my interactions with the Veterans Administration.

Perhaps you remember the much maligned "shake up" at Outserve-SLDN and the "resignation" of it's Executive Director Allyson Robinson who just happens to be a transgender woman and a graduate of West Point. The post was called I Joined and mentioned a new group called Spart*a which was forming for TGLB service members and vets.

Allyson Robinson

My dose of reality came when I joined and visited the Spart*a Facebook page. Within approximately six hours I received a confirmation message and a pledge of secrecy. I'm sort of naive now that I have been out as far as I have for a while and I thought "Whoa Dummy" organizations such as Spart*a represent what is transgender reality in the U.S. military establishment. Careers are at stake here.

Jumping back to Allyson Robinson, I'm passing along a link to a very enlightening post called Lunch With Allyson Robinson here.