Awkward Moment

I have been doing quite a bit of work around the house this week and have had to spent too much extra time in male drag.
As a favor, I dropped off a grille to a friend who owns a small tavern for his annual fish fry.
Of course I had to enjoy a quick one before taking off.
In walks a guy who has seen the real me. I've often wondered if he knew and always assumed he did. (The real me has never been in the tavern)
He didn't stay long but I did have a chance to buy him a beer. He always buys me one in male drag and even one night as my real self.
It's interesting in that I've never really seen him with a girl and he touched my shoulder on the way by.
The awkward moment came when he tried to leave and was going to hug me. I thought a handshake was better.
I'm guessing I'm already out to him!

Bringing Back The Hit's

Life has been so hectic this week that I haven't had much time to play or even write about it. I have however, manged to meet some new and interesting people from both genders. Several of which don't totally understand who I really am.

Taking all of that into consideration and with everything in my life zooming along at warp speed, this post seemed to be appropriate.

"Trans" Got Your Tongue?

Suddenly you find yourself beside or very close to a transgender person. Now what?

You want to say something but don't know where to start
The dynamics of starting a conversation are very complex! You've already figured we are not contagious or harmful. The hard part is over.
Three things could be in your mind. Number one, you are just curious. Why does a person want to change a perfectly good gender?
Number two, you want to expand your experiences. You want to add a transgender conversation into your life experiences. Unfortunately, this usually includes the process of telling all your friends! Hey! Guess what I did?
Number three, you assume the trans person is lonely. You are just being nice!
All three of these reasons are absolutely rational reasons! Curiosity is fine. Just try to be careful with really crazy questions. I do understand though you have no idea what a crazy question is. I'm patient!
Expanding your experiences is fine. Just don't make us the spectacle to do it. Don't be the first of your whole group to have enough courage to speak then go back and have the others "slink" up or worse yet "snicker" at us from across the room.
The assumption we are lonely is as false as the assumption we are all promiscuous. On the other hand a light conversation is usually always welcome.
My assumption is you are a genetic female if you are interacting with me at all. Men just have too many gender bridges to cross to approach us. If they do, the worst are the guys who want to call you "man" or "dude" and want to give you the knuckle buster male power handshake. Rare is the man who is secure enough in himself to converse with us. I'm really insecure with guys. First i have to find out if they know I'm trans and then try to figure out where they are going! I'm not one of the Trans Girl "male bashers" you hear so much about. It's just reality.
I can't speak for the rest of the transgender female community but I welcome approaches on several different levels.
I have no problem on explaining to you what I am. If I have the courage to express my true self and you have the courage to ask me... I will do my best to educate you.
I love to talk fashion with you and even guys and sports too! On the other hand if we appear to be unfriendly it is just that we are really shy and we have to wait for you to make the first move!
The approaches I hate are the "carnival" views and the "guy" bashing. Sure, I'm very different in many eyes but have some respect. I'm sure there are some skeletons dancing around in your closet. The difference is that this isn't my closet. It's my life.
As far you insecure guys go , please don't take it out on me. I know you have that pretty dress hidden at home. Hope it fits!

Want's Versus Need's

We haven't really covered much of the Transsexual vs Transgender discussion.
I am very sure I don't fall into the transsexual category for one major reason. I want to live as a girl. I don't have to.
Nothing told me when I was seven that I was a girl. Something did tell me at 10 I was very different. Life went on and signposts slowly were pointing me towards my female side.
Comments such as "you look better as a girl"  made me want more.  The trial and error learning process of living female in the public's eye left me wanting still more.
So what came first. The want or the need?
I can tell you the want has allowed me to feel deeply satisfied in the female role.  Do I need to?  I'm sure if you took the opportunity to live female away tomorrow; I'm certain I would need to.
Does it matter? No, not really in the scope of life. I do wonder sometimes how the transsexual tag fits me.
Then again, I'm probably the only one. My circle of friends don't seem to care.
So if no one cares... just forget I brought this up! lol

Catching Up

Hi friends, just wanted to catch up on the week.  The weather is been very hot and humid in my part of the world.
So bad as a matter of fact that some of my faves closed early last night from lack of business.
The challenge of course is to be able to dress for the heat and not melt.
I'm not exactly sure, but this summer I seem to melt less and my makeup stays put. I have finally found a foundation I use which covers well with less.
The fun part of the summer is I have been able to put together several new outfits. Always a major problem.
I believe I have told you I can not shave my arms so covering them is a problem. The solution has been several several very light weight tops that I wear over bras and halter tops or even nothing at all. I have been able to finally highlight a woman's best fashion accessory in the summer...skin.
Flip flops, bare legs and a short flared skirt are fun to wear and help to cool a warm evening. My diet has served me well in that I can open my top to the air with a flat tummy.
I don't tan well and the thought of tanning beds sends me into shock so  I use a "skin glow" product which is a lotion that softens and gives the skin a warm glow.
So the hottest week of the year around here has been quite the learning experience!
Will I miss it when it goes? No! Will I remember the fun? Yes!

Yet Another Transgendered Model!

26 year old Nikkley Chawla is making a bid to be the next well known transgender model.
She is busy doing Indian and international ramp shows and will next be seen on a popular reality show. 

 Chawla's story is very typical.  Her journey hasn’t been easy. “I come from a orthodox family and they did not talk to me for five years when I told them I wanted a sex change. I went through hell. I never had a good life as a man.”

She Won!

The landslide winner of a radio station's controversial breast implant contest is a transgender Calgarian. Avery is the winner of a Calgary radio station's breast implant contest. (Amp Radio)
The winner of the Amp Radio contest, named by the station only as a musician called Avery, tallied 76 per cent of 30,000 online votes.
Good job!

What It Feels Like To Be A Girl

Good question. I know what it is to be me.
I can tell you the dynamics of the clothes and where the breeze caresses your body in new and exciting places.
I can assume a woman gets used to all of that.
Certainly I will never be able to feel the birthing process or menstrual periods.
Many women though, never go through child birth and if I embark upon the hormone journey I may feel some of effects of overdosing on female hormones.
Actually, I'm teasing with you with much of this. If an editor of a certain trans magazine and I can come to an agreement; I may being writing a much longer article on this subject. (or most certainly on another)
I will never be able to tell you how it feels to be a girl. I can tell you very precisely how feminine I feel.
Then again the transgender community wants to tell me how I'm allowed to feel.
Have you seen any of the endless arguments about what is female?
In a typical male fashion, many transsexuals set standards of feminity. All of the sudden if you didn't open your first Barbie until you were 12 or did not subject yourself to thousands of dollars worth of operations...you can't really feel female.
Before I start an inane rant on a topic with no answer, feeling like a girl to me is admission to a sorority. More later!
Cyrsti

This "Bud's" for You!

Tonight I got called "Bud" in the women's room of one my fave spots. Not in the beer (Budweiser) sense...but the male name. I managed to control myself until the two women left.
I know one by name and the other by looks only. She looks suspiciously like the woman who got my rest room pass revoked years ago.
I thought, should I leave it alone or talk to her?
The problem was she was very intoxicated  and may not remember much of what we had to say anyway, so I  left it alone.
Later on in the evening I had to use the room before heading home. As luck would have it the other woman was back in the the bathroom,
Not one to be quiet , I said to her"why did your friend call me Bud?" She said "aren't you the one whose wife died?" Damn!
To make a long story short, I guess my history still precedes me. It's difficult to believe but I have been going there for close to 4 years now.
I did just lose my wife and I was very confused about life all together. One of the very unwise (stupid) things I did was go to a couple of the same places as a guy and a girl to see if I could. Well, I couldn't there and was immediately busted one night by one of the bartenders when I was in guy drag. Of course I went a step further and told her a little about my immediate life. Truthfully, I was so lost I didn't care.
Then came the experiment period when I changed hair colors and styles more than "Lady Gaga".
So realistically these women still see me as a guy who was married and visits in women's clothes.
I told her yes that's me...but not the same me and I would love to talk to all of them.
Keeping this all in perspective is tough, In grained reactions tell me maybe they are right. I am the same guy in women's clothes. Reality then sets in and I know I'm not.
The interesting part will be how well I can explain it to them.

Another Sorority Visit

I posted a very short response to the date I went on a week or so ago. Out of respect to him (since he reads the blog) I wait to post before I chat with him and will not go too deep! He turned out to be tall, attractive and intelligent! (He even turned out to be a wonderful singer.)
The two of us have chatted about what happened after the date. (He doesn't live around here)
Immediately the women I know in the pub treated me different.  Of course, they were typical females in that they were saying it all with their yes. I was non typical in that I wouldn't talk about it!
Most of them work there so they weren't in a position to say anything and the one that will has gone on vacation, Her return should be fun!
If there is a bottom line, I suppose I have climbed another rung on the real person ladder. The women who were hesitant to let me in their sorority opened the door.
I became more than just a trans girl who comes in and enjoys the music, sports and trivia. I normally just speak when spoken to.
As we know women are more into people and relationships and all of this placed me directly into their arena. All of the sudden the man discussion includes me as a woman!
I know I've mentioned I didn't know how much girl I have inside.  I do now...again.
The difference is I don't have to carry off being a girl. Increasingly I have to carry off being a guy.
It's all so exciting and scary at the same time.