You Never Even Called Me by My Name!

Growing into a transgendered adult has taken many crazy turns. One of the craziest transgender experience has to be the name game.
My first female name was Karen.  She was a girl in Jr. High. I sat next to her in many classes. She never really knew how much I wanted to be her!
As my female self became more focused, Roxie was the name for me! The name represented an over the top girl and it didn't hurt that my last name was Hart. So it followed that I took the first name of one of the stars from  "Chicago" the musical. Nearly three years ago, major life altering changes came my way. I had an unprecedented opportunity to really check life as a girl. In needed a new name.Finally I chose Cyrsti-a kinder, gentler more complete girl. No it's not a derivative of my male name. I felt the name had a middle of the road female bounce to it! Feminine, but not overdone.
Names, however are only one part of the transgendered experience.  Take pronouns for example. Never in my life did I think "he" and "she" would play such a huge influence in my life. There is no better feeling than being in public and have a salesperson or others call me "she" with no hesitation. There is no worse feeling than being called "he" .Surely all transgendered people are acutely aware of how important two little words are to our culture!
Consider the "female/woman" or "male/man".nouns. Not as powerful as their "pronoun" relatives-but just as important. I try never to use "female" when describing myself unless I'm given no choice. No matter how many hormones or how much surgery someone goes through, they will never be a biological female. Having said that, I know many transgendered girls who are more woman than most of the females I know. That is a very long subject in itself.
The most difficult words of all to a transgender person revolve around the "trans" word. I have read thesis long ramblings about this subject! If a person is labeled a "transvestite" or a "transsexual" or anything in between, the fur will fly if the term is used wrong. If I'm in a bitchy mood, the easiest way to get the girls stirred up is to say "we all are crossdressers'.
Think about it in the most literal way. If you started life as a male, no matter what you do to yourself-you are still crossdressing. An idea that is certain to cause a major disagreement!
The bottom line to all of this is your feelings as a person. Ask a couple of the high school students who have been nominated or elected to home coming or prom courts as their chosen gender. No labels, they are just being themselves.
Consider the most positive word of all-the future.Maybe today's youth won't get to the place where they want to slap a label on every back.
Certainly the "he" and "she" words will always be important. Society needs them to function.
Just think though. How impressive would it be to allow the "you" word to rise to the top?

I Feel Pretty?

Former "Mash" star "Jamie Farr" is appearing in our area on a speaking tour.
One of our local TV stations ran a promo of Farr as "Klinger". The station even skipped the well worn "Aerosmith" song "Dude Looks Like a Lady"  and used "I'm So Pretty" as background music.
A great choice in that "Farr's" character was never really transgendered.
Of course I thought-how many times do I feel "pretty"? Or do I feel sexy more than pretty?
I guess sexy would be the answer. Not so much "stop a guy in his tracks sexy" but a deep inside feeling.
I'm sure your mind has a "greatest" hits memory of your life as a girl. It's very possible your best memories come from times when you wore a pretty dress and heels and felt wonderful! Deep down inside-under the pretty frills was the lingerie and hose. That was sexy!
My greatest hits are nearly all sexy more than pretty. I love the feel of my curves and hair. Even the curse of summertime heat and humidity is forgotten with the feel of a short skirt, freshly shaven legs, panties and painted toe's!
I'm sure a real girl feels much of the work to look good-is just that-work. On the other hand you see women who project sexy. They just carry themselves different.  Sexy doesn't have to be clothes and makeup. It's a mental feel.
I've written about my belief in "aura" which is an internal projection of self. I do my best to project female of course. My goal is to project a secure image of a sexually secure and comfortable person.
My guess is it's another example of how I never really wanted to be the "nice" girl I brought home to Mom.
It was much more fun to bring the other girl home! I so much wanted to be like her!

It's A Wonderful World?

Unless you live in a cave, or with me in a box under a bridge-you probably haven't missed the transgender news in several areas.

Transgender youth are making headlines as homecoming queens or kings in their chosen gender. The latest story comes out of Texas where transgender student "Andy Moreno" (shown above) was nominated for homecoming queen by friends.

When the school principal said no-Moreno protested. Rightfully so!
Transgender political candidates are stepping onto the political stage. One of the races in Oklahoma, pitts transgender  candidate "Brittany Novotny" against an ultra conservative opponent.
Being a resident of the Midwest, all of this has not been lost on me. This activity is NOT taking place in NYC or San Fransisco. All of this news represents a true "Gender Quake" in middle America-in society.
As a public transgender person the "Quake" helps me tremendously. Finally transgender folk have better public roles models other than "Jerry Springer" and slasher movies. People have an easier time seeing me as a real person.
Of course, in the midst of all of this you have in fighting in our own transgender group. A genetic female friend of my mine sent me to Calpernia Adams (shown below) website and was confused by the lengthy negative discussion of our own.
http://www.calpernia.com/ 

Basically the argument boils down to a cat fight between girls who have lived more life as girls to those who haven't and should any of us "cuddle up" to the male gay movement. Unfortunately, I was involved in nearly the same discussion in an on-line transgender site. It was prolonged and ugly as me without.makeup.
It seems the more life improves for us in the public-the worse it gets with our own? Shame on us!
Some of this proves again "You can put the girl in a man-but you can't take the man out of the girl." I'm sure Andy Moreno could speak to the fact that being a girl is so much more than looking like one.  Sure you can spend thousands to change your body to beautiful, but you can't spend any money to improve your soul!
Or all we bringing out the worst in women as former men?

 

 

 

Revelvation #200

Revelation is a big word, kind of like epiphany.
Experienced one this morning thanks to an acquaintance I was chatting with. 
He is one of the few on line guys I have met in person.
As we all know pictures only tell a small part of a story. He saw the rest!
As we chatted, he did mention that he would like to see me again which was nice. I also mentioned the need to get some fall pix together and he has some experience. As we talked about the pictures, I said they should be a realistic view of what I look like but of course the bad ones should never see the public's eye! Even his!
The bottom line was he said I looked nice and that shouldn't be a problem.  Don't really know if "looking nice" was a real compliment but I took it! LoL!
Perhaps the most important statement was when he when on to say I was a fun and nice person.
Realistically, that is the most important part of life to me.
But did I just get the "kiss of death" blind date set up?

Just Say Something?

In all my years hanging out in bars with the guys or alone as a guy-there were several times when I felt I wanted to approach a girl that was sitting close to me.
I have always been a reasonably shy person,plus my transgender background usually played a role.  Would the woman even want me to approach? I really don't like pushy guys and I expect most women don't either.
Usually, I took the easy way out. I kept ordering drinks to build my confidence to talk to her...and she left.
I'm fairly certain the same thing happened to me tonite.
I was finishing up my evening at a favorite pub watching the baseball playoffs  About halfway through the game, a guy grabbed the stool next to me and ordered the nightly beer special.
As the innings progressed, I noticed he switched to mixed drinks and was ordering when I was. Then-I left.
I will never know if he was "tracking" a transgendered "Cougar" or if the whole situation was a just part of my imagination.
Maybe that's the best part!

What Kind of Daughter Did Your Mama Raise?

Yes girlfriends, I'm talking about us.
Some Mom's really wanted a daughter and dressed some of us as girls. Some Mom's may have found it interesting to relate to us on some level as a girl and let us in on a little makeup or clothes. Other Mom's may have shut us out all together.
All of the mother/son interaction intrigues me because of a couple of reasons.
The first would be the simple question of why me? Did my Mom set me up for all of this? (My brother believes she did).
The second would be is how much I look like her.
How many of you believe your Mom knowingly  or even unknowingly opened your door into a female world?
I remember vividly the way my Mom blotted her lipstick and made sure the rest of her outfit was together before she went out.  I would bet you my brother doesn't!
The age old question-environment or genetics? Was I predisposed to be trans? Most likely it's a question I will never know.
Maybe the whole "daughter" question explains my total lack of respect for women who do not take care of themselves. This girl was raised believing that appearance was part of the female gender.
My Mom passed away years ago and I believe in two sure facts.
She would like the fact I try to keep up a good appearance.
She would hate the fact I'm a lot like some of the girls I brought home she didn't like!!!!!!

Paranoia!

On occasion (believe it or not) the old noggin goes on blank mode.
Do I want to write about the same old happenings? The agony of defeat when I don't present correctly-or the thrill of victory when I do?
NO! How about some good old fashioned paranoia. As Crosby, Still's and Nash would say "it's like looking in your mirror and seeing a police car."
Paranoia comes in different doses of course. Last night I was certain I looked just as I wanted to! Boots and Jeans. Nice soft mid waist low cut sweater and a whole bunch of red curls. God I thought I looked great!
Then reality crept in. Almost the same look in the same crowded sports bar and BAM-I get busted.
Hey, it didn't happen last night. I guess the police car wasn't really in the mirror! I was safe warm and happy!
A totally different paranoia struck me down at work today when a couple fellow working peeps started talking about a guy with eye makeup.
The police car was in the mirror and I quickly headed to the restroom to see if it was me.
It wasn't and the police car turned to chase someone else.
I know what you are thinking. Come on out girl! Grow a pair (or lose them).
When you feel soooo good as a girl-why not do it full time?
Can you teach an old dog a new gender?
We all know you can and I might.
In the meantime, life goes on a step at a time, in work shoes or high heeled boots.
Wow. If I did go full time, how long would I see that police car?

Oh No She Didn't!

Really?

"Cassandra Cass" pictured here is a star in San Fransisco and recently has been added to Showtime TV's new midnight show "Wild Things".
This "Wild Thing" was born "Casey" in Des Moines, Iowa 32 years ago and has reportedly spent 150 grand to be the girl she is today.
I knew that SRS and cosmetic procedures were expensive but WOW that's a lot of cash!
Go to her "Flickr" site to see what 150 grand will buy! I wonder which "sugar daddy" bought it?

A "Fault" in the Gender Quake?

The other day, I overheard a conversation from a mother accepting a personal phone call at work. (Against the rules.)  She explained it away by saying she was going through a divorce and it was her 10 year old son calling.
The boy, it seems was a little nervous being alone after dark.
Of course I flashed back to my youth and thought how much hell I could raise in the extra time alone. No way I'm calling them!
Did that make me any more of a boy than this kid? Was I more of a male because I couldn't wait to get my license and a car? Today, it seems it's not a huge priority for guys.
We all know the answer-no it didn't make me more of a boy.
But I still wonder if the vast amount of single females raising boys- opens the door just a little more for boys to explore feminine things?  What's a Mom to say if her son comes home and wants a manicure and pedicure so he can win a "womanless" beauty pageant?
Mom's thinking-what's the harm and Dad's not there anyhow to go WHAT? Plus, we all know there would never be a revenge factor in a messy divorce! Here Dad-isn't your son so pretty? BUT:
OK, girlfriends this is how I really feel.
We are either destined to be female at birth (true transsexuals) or we are exposed later in life to something that leads to a transgendered experience.
Society has finally advanced to a point where all of this is more acceptable. In my generation, being alone as a boy at the age of ten was OK. I had my parameters and if I screwed up-I paid. If I was a girl of ten that would have never happened. So, I'm glad gender lines are blurring. It's no secret, younger females are beating the boys in most everything except major sports and the guys do make the prettiest girls in gay bars! (And some beauty pageants!)
The lesson in all of this? I need to quit eavesdropping on other people's conversations!