Transgender Confidence

From the Archives, banquet image.
My wife Liz on left.

One of the most important accessories we can chase as a transgender woman or trans man is confidence. Especially when success is never guaranteed. 

Finding confidence is often very difficult when you are crossing the gender border. You can succeed in the public's eye for awhile, only to crash and burn in a moment of weakness.  It turned out there were so many points to consider when you are transitioning. It's always one thing to appear as a woman and another to walk and talk as one. If you are familiar with the term "muscle memory", very simply means keep doing something until you get it right and it describes perfectly the process of entering the sacred spaces of a gender you only dreamed of. In my case, there were plenty of girl's nights out and rest room visits to provide me the confidence to keep moving forward and challenging myself. Another problem of sorts I had was experiencing too much gender euphoria. Many times, I forgot where I was and resorted back to my old male self without thinking of it. 

When I did fall back into my old male ways, I often thought the whole gender transition process I was in was never going to make it. Had I spent too many years working hard to make it in a male world to ever change. Another problem I had was I was still living part time as a man so everytime I had mastered any aspect of being feminine, I lost most of it when I went back to being a man. It was similar to a child in school who forgets most anything they learned during a summer break. It was very frustrating for me to keep starting from the beginning again and again which was shattering my confidence.

Finally I tipped the balance in my gender world where I was living more feminine than masculine. I could make real progress in what I really wanted to do which was follow my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman.  Most importantly, I was feeling natural when I did it and the increased confidence followed. When I was invited into the so-called sacred women only spaces, I discovered why they were or weren't sacred at all. First of all, I knew women didn't always keep their restroom as pristine as men thought they did from all my years running restaurants/bars but, on the other hand was totally unprepared to have to look other women in the eye and speak when I was in the women's room. For the most part I was very successful except for the notable occasion when I had the police called on me. Naturally, my confidence was shattered for quite a while after that. On the other hand, there was no way I was going to go back to using the men's room when I was dressed as my authentic self.

When someone asks me how I developed the confidence to progress in my gender transition, the easiest thing I can say is, I had a single minded desire to keep trying until I made it. Sure the gender affirming hormones helped but I needed to go through therapy to earn them from the Veteran's Administration health care system. Which proved to be a positive experience for me. As I pointed out in yesterday's post, I kept working towards my dream until destiny showed me the way to success. Plus, I can never forget to point out, I had a small group of women around me who showed me the way. Even to the point of believing in me when I was faltering. They refused to believe I ever was the old male person I was desperately trying to leave behind. I guess you could say I had a tremendous peer group. 

It always took quite the effort to put him behind me and tears were shed along the way. To be on this journey you sometimes have to be selfish and one sided to make it but that is just the nature of the beast. When you do arrive, sometimes you are fortunate enough to forget the selfish days and pay your life's knowledge forward. 

It takes all the confidence you can muster to correct a gender situation you never asked for into a positive. With a little, or lot of willpower you can make it to your dream.   

Trans Girl Destiny

 

Image from
the JJ Hart
Archives.

When I was given the keys to a transgender existence, on occasion I have to pause and consider how I have arrived here.

Unlocking all the mysteries of crossing the gender border proved to be more than I could deal with on occasion but I kept on moving forward. Trying to find out what it meant to achieve my dream of living as a transgender woman. Finally I learned to relax and let destiny take it's course. Before I could even begin to relax, I needed to learn the new rules of the road.

The rules of being a woman were not easy to learn before I was accepted for admittance into the club. I discovered along the way there were more female privilege's other than having doors opened for me by men. One of the biggest ones was being allowed to communicate with other women on a mostly non confrontational-passive aggressive platform. Along the way, the lessons learned were brutal and I ended up walking away with many scratches or claw marks on my back. Primarily I found not to even try to look at or get close to a woman's man. It frustrated me because the man always made the first move and I had no real interest at all but none of it mattered to the other woman. Another mystery solved as I worked my way towards my transgender destiny. 

During the years in between my final solution to my gender issues, I was held back by many circumstances beyond my immediate control. I felt pressure to maintain my marriage of twenty five years and a job I was rapidly progressing in. To maintain my life, I tried to balance my existence between the two primary binary genders which only provided temporary relief and in some cases, even made it worse. When I became more successful in living as a trans woman, I felt so good and natural, I just wanted more and more. Which included no going back to my old male life which ironically I worked so hard to maintain. Destiny was trying to tell me eventually I would have to give it all up and start over but I could not find the courage to do it.

As I waited and waited for my chance to transition, I came to the point of no return. Magically, at the age of sixty destiny really came into play. First of all, I was to the point when I considered gender affirming hormones as the next huge move I could make concerning my chance to live as a full-time transgender woman. As I was considering the move, the Veteran's Administration suddenly announced they would now cover HRT as part of their health care for veterans. Which I happened to be a part of. The only hold up was I needed to see a therapist at the VA for an approval. I still remember how nervous I was the first time I went to see my therapist and after a second visit, I had my approval for my life changing hormones. 

It was around this time too, my second wife had passed away. Leaving me very much on my own to consider any gender decisions. My choice as clear and impactful as destiny was showing me the way forward and leave my ill-fated dual gender life behind and live as a transgender woman. When I did, I found I had other major decisions to make such as the possibility of undergoing major gender realignment surgeries. I decided against it for several reasons such as I did not have any insurance to cover it and the VA in those days was not covering SRS at all. Similar to Medicare covering breast augmentation or facial femininization surgeries. I am not sure how much any of those entities support those surgeries to this day, so don't quote me on it. The only aspect I decided on was my gender was between my ears and not my legs and those closest to me viewed me as a woman. So I had achieved my goal.

I can't forget the final part of my transition life which destiny played an important role was the financial part. Since age wise I was so close to being able to retire early on social security, I could sell my vintage items on the side and make enough to go ahead and retire. Which meant I would not have to worry about doing a gender transition when I was working. 

So, I had secured my big three aspects of my transition so I had no real reason not to pursue my transgender dreams. Destiny worked for me.

Major Gender Differences

 

Image from Jamie'
on UnSplash

From the outside looking in, many see transgender women and trans men merely as people who have decided to dress different.

As I was applying my estradiol patches this morning, I thought how different the entire process is when you decide to come out into the world as your authentic self, be it as a woman or a man. It is the same process as when you transition from being a cross dresser to being a full fledged transgender person. For me, finding my gender destination was a long term process. I write often concerning the years of transforming myself into the feminine person I always knew I should have been my entire life. 

What I did not understand for the longest time, I was joining a whole new culture when I transitioned. No longer could I bluster my way through a world filled with white male privilege. I needed to strike out on my own to find out what living in a woman's world was all about. I learned quickly, I knew very little about it and what I did know was usually wrong. I kept feeling stuck until I could work it all out. Was I even doing the right thing trying to cross the gender border. Plus, what was I going to do about those who did not want me crossing the border at all. Fortunately, I learned fairly quickly most of the world did not care what I wanted to do one way or another and most of the public I was interacting with were in a financial situation when I essentially was paying their salary. Either from a commission at a clothing store or from a tip in a food or bar venue. Either way, being friendly worked wonders in my transition. 

Very quickly, people began to see me as a new person. A person I wanted them to see which caused me to add major differences of changes to my life. A prime example was how was I going to suddenly attempt to talk to the world as a transgender woman. The whole communication process was similar to starting all over again when I first explored the world. At first I was petrified to talk at all until I tried to mimic the women around me. The problem was if I didn't talk, I was coming off as mean or stand-offish.  I needed to solve the problem and solve it fast if I was going to survive in the world as a transgender woman. I needed the voice to match my appearance the best I could. It was a major gender difference I always put off pursuing because I was so obsessed with my appearance. One of my favorite accessories was my sunglasses which helped me watch the public's perception of me without them seeing mine. I could better judge if my appearance was making the grade. Which I hoped was a passing score. 

Naturally, the more progress I was able to attain in the world as a trans woman, the more confidence I had to try more living. Again and again, outside of a few ill advised trips to red-neck venues, I was able to stay out of the gay bars and make my way through the world. I had fun in the lesbian and sports bars I was accepted in and was learning more and more about myself. To be sure, seeking a place in the world of women was never easy and I needed to earn it. I worked long and hard to learn from my mistakes in public and go back to the drawing board when I needed to. Finally, I reached a point where I could put the drawing board away and make it on my own.

Validation as my new feminine self then became a priority if I was going to keep living as a transgender woman. I attribute my lesbian friends with giving me the guidance I needed to succeed, They showed I did not need a man to validate me and my sexuality did not have to change to live as I was. All important lessons I needed to learn if I valued my independence in a new world. 

Learning gender differences meant so much more than looks was very inciteful to me.  All the catch phrases such as walking the walk and muscle memory come to mind when it came to my transition. I had such a long way to go to separate myself from a very convincing male life, there were many times I did not see how I could make it,

To do it, I needed to attempt to study all things feminine until I got it right and when I did keep doing it until practice made perfect. Then and only then was I able to move forward on my very long gender path.