Trans Girls in Women Only Spaces

Archive Image, Girls Night Out.
I am on the Bottom Left.

First, we have to describe as women's only spaces as primarily rest rooms but there is so much more to consider. For example, girl's nights out, trips to beauty salons or any other spaces dominated by cis-women. 

To consider being  in women's only spaces, we also need to look at the impact of impostor syndrome. Or, when you think you have arrived at your destination, only to think you are an impostor and don't belong there at all. Often the syndrome stops you from enjoying your dream of being out with and being accepted by a group of women.  

Now, lets start with the most problematic space at all, the women's rest room. Depending on where you live, just using the women's room for it's intended use is becoming against the law. Even if it is not, just becoming adjusted to the new etiquette of using a completely new rest room can be a problem. Even though many of us have used the women's room for years, there are still basics to remember. First and foremost don't forget to look any other women you may encounter in the eye, smile and speak. It's OK to do this, although it is completely opposite to do in the men's room. Other "musts" include always remembering to never put your purse on the floor, and always be careful to look before you sit down for stray moisture left behind by a previous occupant.

Perhaps one of the biggest actions to always remember is to stop and wash your hands even though you might think you have been "discovered" by another woman and are doing your best to vacate the room.  Back in the day when I was much younger, I even went to the point of carrying an extra feminine hygiene product in my purse if I was approached by a suspecting woman who was testing me. Even though, this list may seem excessive, I am sure there are those of you who could add to it. Such as the obvious. Such as always sitting down to pee and diverting your flow the best you can to match the woman in the next stall over. I think a larger portion of cis-women have used a restroom with a transgender woman in their life and not known it or even cared. IF the trans woman followed all the rules. 

One women's only space I was challenged in was when my daughter gifted me with my first trip to her upscale beauty spa. Since my hair had grown to a point when I could have it styled, she thought it was time to have it styled and colored. Of course I immediately agreed even though I was scared to death of the unknown. Plus, I was extra embarrassed when she met me there and it was the first time she had seen me in all my glory as a feminine transgender woman. Looking back, there were a line of chairs with stylists which went on forever in a long straight room and the only other man in sight was one of the owners who I already knew as one of the local famous drag queens. So the estrogen level of the place was at an all time high. Before I knew it, I was shown samples of hair color and styles which I had to try to decide on. Somehow I managed to decide on a streaked, layered reddish blonde look and I was amazed at the result. I knew right then why so many women make a hair maintenance stop as a regular appointment in their beauty routine. When I relaxed and started to enjoy the pampering I was receiving, I had never felt so feminine in my life and could not wait to make my next appointment in my new unique woman only space.

Along the way, I was able to join in with various invitations to girls' night out get-togethers. They ranged from women in my approximate age range to those who were much younger. Although I never reached the pinnacle of feminine acceptance such as bridal parties or baby showers, I still immensely enjoyed my experiences...once I overcame my bouts of imposter syndrome. 

All of my experiences in women only spaces helped me to improve my confidence as a transgender woman and deepened my belief I was much more than a part time cross dresser. I had reached a point in my life I had always dreamed of and never thought I could make it. Plus, because of the length of this post, I won't mention again the lesbian impact on my life once I was included in their spaces. I will save it for a later time.

Why Me?

Image from Emily Morter on UnSplash.

I can't remember how many times in my life I have thought of the idea of why me? Why did I have to have all these gender issues.

It wasn't until much later in life did I learn it was OK to be different and in fact sometimes I preferred not being part of what was called "normal." Then I learned nearly everyone had their skeletons in the closet and many people just were able to make the skeletons dance better and faster. These days, we often see many public figures whose skeletons ran out of gas and are exposed. For some reason, I even feel sorry for some of them because they needed to hide their so called problems for so long. Mainly because I suffered so many years in my own gender closet.

Plus, as I negotiated the complex path I followed to living my ultimate dream of living life as a woman, there were still many times I questioned all I was doing. On one hand, my job choice was proving to be successful while on the other hand, my self destructive self was trying to destroy it all. I was having huge why me moments. In other words, I was being a complete victim. Over the span of my life, I ran and hid behind my skirts and dresses anytime I encountered any rough patches in my male life. I always figured I never wanted to be a part of the male world anyhow, so it worked well for me to hide. 

In time, the pressures in my life increased and finally I needed to stop thinking why me and face them head on. The major issue I needed to face (and did not) was rather or not I was much more than a causal weekend cross dresser and in fact a novice transgender woman. At that point, I decided to find out if I was indeed a trans woman. It was then, I began to explore the world in any way I could to see if my gender skeletons could still dance with the best of them. At the same time I was dancing, my why me began to fade away. I had no more time to wonder why I had gender issues when so many seemingly did not. I found their closets were just deeper and different from mine. 

Then, I started to embrace my transgender status as a positive. Very few humans ever have the opportunity to explore and live in both binary genders, male and female. All of a sudden, when I was out in the world, I could see and understand all the games the genders played around me. I even knew I was succeeding when virtual strangers I met would ask me questions concerning their spouses or boy friends as if I would know. Which often I did. I just hope they took my advice as free advice and took it with a grain of salt. 

As you can tell, probably being a victim was a bigger issue for me earlier in my life versus the why me question I was always falling back on. The process took all the courage I could muster to overcome my problems. Ironically, hiding behind my skirts and dresses became the focal point of my new found confidence in the world. When I was able to dress to blend in the world as any other woman, my skeletons cheered me on. Since I had always been a terrible dancer, I never danced in the world but just kept it in mentally. 

One way or another, why me was becoming why not? It was time for me to take the gender issues I was born with and run with them. No more wondering what my life would have been like if I was born into a world the men around me faced. I was similar to a big piece of clay which was just waiting to be worked into a new unique human. Why not?

Did I Get it Right?

Out to eat with my wife Liz on left. 

I make no secret of the amount of major moves I needed to make to how I arrived to live my life as a transgender woman. Now at my advanced age of seventy four, I wonder if did I get it right.

Of course like most of you, I needed to give up much more than my unusual white male privileges to transition. Along the way, there were marriages/ spouses, friends, family and job losses to deal with. In other words, many sacrifices to make to follow my gender path. In other ways, destiny and years enabled me to transition to a feminine life. My one big deterrent was my relationship with my second wife who in no uncertain terms was telling me she did not want to live with another woman. In fact she made it abundantly clear she didn't like my woman self at all. Except when she needed help with her make up. What could I say? She was correct when she said she didn't sign up for all the gender issues she was now dealing with in our marriage. 

Most of you know she died suddenly from a massive heart attack. The tragedy freed me up to do my own thing. My own thing turned out to be I quickly turned to my own woman for comfort. I discovered almost immediately, I got it right as I was having the time of my life as I explored a new world as an out transgender woman. 

I also found I got it right when I discovered other women in the world who would accept me without having any knowledge of my old male past. When I did, I was able to really begin to live a new life of my dreams. I also did it right on how I was able to raise my daughter who ended up being one of my biggest supporters to this day. However, I didn't get it right with my brother and his in-laws who roundly rejected me. Sadly, by this time, most all of my very few real friends had passed away so coming out to many people was not a problem. 

So, by waiting so long to complete my male to female gender transition worked out right to me plus, even though I was not enjoying my old male life anymore, I still took advantage of the male privileges I would lose. It finally got to the point it was ridiculous to continue a life anymore split between the two major binary genders. The stress and tension became too much for my mental health to sustain and I tried alcohol to solve my gender problems.

I did it right and stopped drinking as much as I did before I permanently injured my body and when I moved to Cincinnati to live with my future wife Liz. Liz encouraged me to permanently leave my male life behind and live fulltime as a woman with her when she told me she never had seen any male in me at all. Even when I was trying to be.

Finally, I really did it right when I was medically cleared to begin taking gender affirming hormones. My body accepted the changes easily and I loved them. So all in all, I did it right when I decided to transition into a full time transgender woman. Destiny was leading the way the whole time and the only mistake I made was when I tried to get in it's way.