Having Fun????

 

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Depending upon which label you use, transgender or cross dresser, when you reached the heights of dressing yourself as a woman, did you ever feel as if you were having fun?

I guess before you can answer the question, you have to define what fun is to you. To start I went to a popular well known source for an answer and it said whatever provides amusement or enjoyment. At that point I began to think at what point did I achieve either amusement or enjoyment. Although I couldn't remember many times I was amused with my life as a serious cross dresser or novice transgender woman, there were plenty of times I enjoyed myself. Even though many moments of gender euphoria were rare. However rare, there were enough moments to encourage me to move forward in the world I wanted to create for myself. 

There were many times my old male self filled in the blank spots in my life as he always did. To him, he rarely enjoyed anything and was amused by less than that. I can blame my parents on how I was raised to feel nothing was ever good enough, I could always do better. There was never time allowed for fun or enjoyment when I was moving on to the next thing.  My male life carried over to my earliest cross dressing days when I always thought my next outfit or wig would allow me to present better the next time I went out into the public's eye as a feminine person. Even on the rare times I was successful in my transgender quest, I never allowed myself a moment of fun. 

During that period of my life, like most people, I thought I would never be old and wrinkled and my idea of having fun would change. Even though, unexpectedly, the introduction of estrogen based hormones into my system plus the blessing of good genetics, allowed me to continue the partying lifestyle much longer after I should, sooner more than later I needed to calm down. In order to save my body the best I could, I needed to cut back nearly entirely my alcohol consumption. On the other hand, as I reached my mid seventies in age, I needed to find activities to motivate my mind and body as I approached the end of my life. 

What I decided to do was continue to write the Cyrsti's Condo blog on two on line platforms now and on the other hand try to push my body to do more walking. Since my Dad began to give up on himself and retire to his easy chair later in life until dementia ultimately led to a very ugly death, I figured even though I couldn't enjoy the same aspects of life I didn't take the time to savor when I was younger, I try to set myself up for the future and enjoy what I have. Such as the rare accepting cohesive family I am so fortunate to have. I cherish the relationship I have had over the years with my wife Liz as well as my daughter Andrea. 

Even if I am not having fun as such, being able to lead a life as a fulltime transgender woman is special to me. I try to always remind myself how truly special it is to lead the life I do. 

It is always special to me that all of you take the time to stop and read my blog. It means so much to me and thank you.

  

Eating our Young

 

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Recently I read a lengthy comment on social media from a current board member of the transgender-crossdresser local group I am part of. 

In essence, the post was about so called meddling with the current board of directors from "retired" board members. In many ways the whole meddling process is a continuing system which tears apart the transgender community. A primary example is the "I'm more trans than you" sad logic which too many people try to subscribe to. Sometimes the idea is born when someone has more gender surgeries than another transgender person. Over the years, I encountered push back questioning my transness simply because I hadn't undergone any gender surgeries at all. They looked at my choice as some sort of a gender negative. In response, my friend (also a transwoman) and I used to refer to the naysayers as "Trans-Nazi's". 

Backtracking just a bit, the local group I have been a part of for years seemingly goes through a push to tear it apart every so often by well meaning people. My prime example came  years ago when a far-right leaning transgender woman was pushing her views into the group, which initially kept me away. Predictably, during the pandemic she refused to be vaccinated and died from Covid. 

Since it is a volunteer organization, it is difficult to find people to step up at all. Especially if there is any friction at all. In many ways, I think the problem stems from a deeper problem which comes from lingering systems of having a male ego. Some are jealous of other transwomen who may be more attractive or have other problems with their personality. Since all of the sudden, people with such diverse backgrounds are brought together under often a vague umbrella called transgender. The expectations are often unreasonable. 

The problem is the whole scenario effects the solidarity we all LGBTQ+ individuals need to combat the surge of anti-transgender bills around the country. I am still amazed when I encounter the occasional transgender person (or mostly cross dressers) who still support the political party which is not the Democratic one or a candidate which supports doing away with our existence all together. I can't fathom their thought pattern.

At this stage in my life, I rely on my writing to do my outreach. Through my contacts with the Alzheimer's association, I am being contacted by another group for an interview of some sort. I look forward to being able to spread the word of diversity. 

In the meantime, I hope the local trans-crossdresser group can heal their spat and move on for the betterment of us all.  

At the Crossroads

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As I continued along my gender path to living as a fulltime transgender woman, I arrived at several crossroads. 

The first of which was finally deciding I was transgender at all. For years I considered myself nothing more than a very serious cross dresser. Perhaps the biggest positive aspect of staying a cross dresser was my wife knew of my gender pastime before we were married. She even grudgingly bought me gifts such as woman's clothes. In fact, we had a separate gift exchange at Christmas every year especially for my feminine self. 

On the other hand, my wife was totally against any idea of me being trans, saying she didn't want to live with another woman. I had no comeback for that argument since she did marry my male self. Still it did not stop me from exploring ever further the feminine world I thought I wanted to live in. As I did my explorations, the process felt so natural I just had to keep going. At the crossroads I decided I was indeed transgender and I was pursuing a lifestyle not just participating in a hobby. From the point forward my life changed and I had many new decisions to make.

Decisions such as how would I even structure a totally new life in a woman's world. Along the way, I learned the possibility of living as a trans woman meant so much more than just doing my best to present well in the world and blend in with the public. What would I do about the three "F's" as I called them, or family. friends and finances. At the time, I didn't have the answers to many of the questions so I kept searching. Of the three challenges, I decided to come out to my family first and see how it went. When I did, I received a fifty-fifty split in return. By this time in my life, my close/blood family had been reduced to two people. My daughter and my slightly younger brother. As it turned out, my daughter was very supportive and my brother was just the opposite. I tell the story often how I gained a family with my daughter's in laws and lost my brother's family at nearly the same time. Sadly, it all happened over a decade ago and things have never changed.

The next step I needed to consider at my crossroads was what would I do about what friends I had left from my old male life. Again, sadly, I had very few close male friends and had lost most all of them to death in a very short period of time. So I had very few friends to tell. No worries since I had never been able to make since seemingly I kept pushing people away my entire life because of my gender issues. I thought the fewer friends I would have to tell, the better off I would be. 

On I went at my crossroad when I came to the third "F" which was finances. I obsessed on what I would be able to do to support myself. I had built myself into a successful well paying job which I knew would be impossible to transition genders on while I worked it. What did work in my favor was my age. I was close enough to to retirement age to consider taking an early retirement. Which meant all I had to do was work a couple more years and then not have to worry about transitioning on the job. 

What ended up happening was, I painted myself into a corner I couldn't get out of. The pressure grew so intense as I tried to live both as my old male self and my new feminine self. It literally tried to kill me before I said enough was enough. One night as I sat alone and pondered what I was going to do, I finally decided to do the right thing and give up totally my old male self and live as a transgender woman. 

From that point forward, I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I had made the correct turn at the gender crossroads and was able to move on with a new life. I waited for the paint to dry in my life and gently learn to live as my authentic self.