Success equals More Success

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archive 

In an extension of yesterdays' post which mostly concerned  the success I experienced  when I began doing a portion of the grocery shopping cross dressed as my feminine self, I decided to go further.

If you were wondering, I chose grocery shopping to sooth my guilty conscious because I was sneaking out behind my wife's back while she was working and I needed to find a way to knock out two birds with one stone. Help her with the shopping and help me with my gender issues. It worked well and I needed more to do. When the Christmas holiday season rolled around every year, I found I could again put my new feminine cross dressing skills to the test by doing all my shopping as a woman. 

Since my wife and I were vintage antique buffs, going to several area antique malls became one of my favorite ways to find the perfect gift. Again I was able to multi task when I explained to her what I was doing in my spare time. Ironically, the malls were a perfect alternative to all the other clothing malls I was used to. The all important store mirrors I was used to were replaced by antique style vanity mirrors which I could catch a glimpse of myself to reassure me I was an attractive woman. Along the way, I was able to find the very special gift for my wife and sometimes even my brother. In the meantime, the malls never questioned my presence so I was free to browse on my own with no interference. 

I was so successful and the process felt so natural, I expanded my shopping into several upscale regular malls in the Columbus, Ohio area.  Of course, when I did, I needed to upscale my appearance to match the other women I would encounter. Much different than the antique malls I was going to. The whole process was fun and presented me with a whole different challenge. The places I was shopping at were upscale garden stores because my wife was a huge gardening enthusiast. Just like the mall experiences I had always had, it seemed no one cared about my gender, just my money so I challenged myself to do more. I always wanted to do more so I began to stop at different venues to grab a bite to eat. Interacting one on one with servers and/or bartenders helped me out of my gender shell I lived in. It worked and I was able to achieve more in my cross dressing life than I ever thought I could.

Even though I was successful in my shopping trips, I was still too shy to ask for help moving a large item I wanted to my truck or SUV. I found quite a bit about feminine privilege's when one night when I was dressed in my favorite black pant's suit, heels and blond wig. I then found an oak bookcase I wanted to give my wife but couldn't figure out how I would get it to my vehicle.  Problem solved when I gathered enough courage to go up to the check out counter and buy the piece of furniture, suddenly I was approached by two young men to move it. I was so relieved and flattered no one questioned why I couldn't move it myself. Once I got it home, in the garage, after I had changed out of my clothes, I slid it out of my vehicle and covered it up with old blankets. I made my wife swear she wouldn't look under the blankets and at Christmas she was overwhelmed with the gift which matched the oak roll top desk we bought together. 

From then on I was emboldened to do all my holiday shopping as my novice transgender woman self. I am certain my feminine side did such a better job doing the gift shopping, she deserved to do it all. Success equaled more trust and success.   

Shopping 201

Image from Brett Jordan
on UnSplash

Over the years I did quite a bit of shopping in clothing stores and malls, mostly successfully.

It took a while but I finally learned much of my success had to do with the fact my money was more important than my gender to the average store clerk. Many I think worked on commission and anything they sold was added to their paycheck. Even still, the experience was valuable in building my confidence as a novice cross dresser in the days I was running from the idea I could be transgender. I was paying my way to people so they would be nice to me. Only one time did I run into any problems when an older clerk told me my skirt was too short. In response, I left and never returned since there were plenty of clothing stores to go to.

In a short period of time, I grew tired of the same old shopping I was doing and started to expand into stopping for lunch where I needed to interact one on one as a woman with servers. The entire process opened a whole new gender world to me and for the most part I was treated politely with respect. Overall the process took me to a whole different level of Shopping 101. I grew bored and was ready for a new course I called Shopping 201. 

The new course ended up providing me with endless possibilities to expand my horizons as a very serious cross dresser. At the time, I was searching for ways to do different things in the feminine world. One way to sneak around behind my wife's back was to start doing part of the grocery shopping. I would pick times I knew the grocery store we went to would not be busy and out I went. The women's fashion trends back in those days fit me well. I could wear one of my oversized soft sweaters along with a mini-skirt and flats and look like any other fashionable woman without going overboard. One morning in particular was memorable. 

On the day, I carefully shaved my legs and prepared my wig. After dressing and putting on a light amount of makeup I took off to the grocery when my wife was at work. I arrived at the store, grabbed a cart and proceeded to pick up a few needed items. Then I headed up to the register line to be checked out. This was back in the days before self checkout so there was only one way to go. At the register there was one older cashier and one kid bagging groceries. When he saw me, his eyes immediately went to my legs and when he noticed me watching him, he blushed and stammered something about helping with my groceries to the car. Never before and rarely since have I affected a male such as that. The cashier just gave me a knowing smile. 

From there, I couldn't resist reverting back to Shopping 101 and made a quick stop at a nearby big box store to pick up another pair of panty hose and shop for new makeup. By doing so, I was able to hide my expenditures along with what I spent at the grocery store. 

I was able to negotiate the morning as my feminine self and learn so many new things so I could graduate Shopping 201 and move on towards life in a transgender world.   

Going Back

Image of Liz on left and Daughter on right
from the Jessie Hart Archives.

 Recently I read a rather sad post from a person who was giving up her gender transition and going back to her original life. 

Even though I consider myself very fortunate in how my gender path turned out, I could understand the facts the person mentioned when it came to her new life. Among other things, the person related experiences which have haunted many of us following a transition. Such as having problems with loneliness, finances etc. So many transgender women are stuck in their houses, often with just having a computer to provide any contact with the outside world. This de-transitioner was older and provided a picture which showed a very presentable senior woman. My heart broke when I saw her image, I just can't imagine going back after putting so much work towards accomplishing a goal. Perhaps it is because I tried so hard and risked so much when I crossed the gender frontier. Plus, possibly for one of the few times in my life when I ever set specific goals, I was able to achieve what I set out to do. 

One of the major differences I saw when I read the post was how I approached the gender goals I was attempting to accomplish than most others. One of the examples was how I approached on-line dating services. I went all in with three or four services with the usual results of receiving tons of trash back in the process. I tried everything such as woman seeking woman to man seeking man. Amazingly, when I was giving up, some how I ended up meeting my current wife Liz who lived within driving distance in Cincinnati, a city I had always loved. That happened over ten years ago and it all started with a date to a drag show. As an aside, Liz identified as a lesbian witch so I was intrigued. 

In addition, the lucky move I made to create a new social life came when I decided to not go to anymore male gay venues and decided to go to the sports orientated big venues I was used to. I figured if I was going to risk being discriminated against, I might as well go to a place where I could enjoy myself. The gay bars aggravated me because I was always treated as a drag queen. What I don't recommend is the amount of alcohol I consumed along the way. On the other hand, I ended up meeting several other women in the venues who became friends. 

Very quickly, going back in my transition never had to be an option. By the time I decided to go all the way as a transgender woman, I knew my daughter would support me as well as Liz and my small circle of friends. As I made the final slide down the gender slope my landing turned out to be very soft. Even still, my heart goes out to those who are considering going back. Perhaps the whole experience could be thought of an ultimate experience which failed. Or maybe, they just wanted their old male privilege's back. 

Then again reversing my life again would be unthinkable because I would be so unhappy. I am afraid the person who did decide to go back would never be happy on either side of the binary gender border.