Going Back

Image of Liz on left and Daughter on right
from the Jessie Hart Archives.

 Recently I read a rather sad post from a person who was giving up her gender transition and going back to her original life. 

Even though I consider myself very fortunate in how my gender path turned out, I could understand the facts the person mentioned when it came to her new life. Among other things, the person related experiences which have haunted many of us following a transition. Such as having problems with loneliness, finances etc. So many transgender women are stuck in their houses, often with just having a computer to provide any contact with the outside world. This de-transitioner was older and provided a picture which showed a very presentable senior woman. My heart broke when I saw her image, I just can't imagine going back after putting so much work towards accomplishing a goal. Perhaps it is because I tried so hard and risked so much when I crossed the gender frontier. Plus, possibly for one of the few times in my life when I ever set specific goals, I was able to achieve what I set out to do. 

One of the major differences I saw when I read the post was how I approached the gender goals I was attempting to accomplish than most others. One of the examples was how I approached on-line dating services. I went all in with three or four services with the usual results of receiving tons of trash back in the process. I tried everything such as woman seeking woman to man seeking man. Amazingly, when I was giving up, some how I ended up meeting my current wife Liz who lived within driving distance in Cincinnati, a city I had always loved. That happened over ten years ago and it all started with a date to a drag show. As an aside, Liz identified as a lesbian witch so I was intrigued. 

In addition, the lucky move I made to create a new social life came when I decided to not go to anymore male gay venues and decided to go to the sports orientated big venues I was used to. I figured if I was going to risk being discriminated against, I might as well go to a place where I could enjoy myself. The gay bars aggravated me because I was always treated as a drag queen. What I don't recommend is the amount of alcohol I consumed along the way. On the other hand, I ended up meeting several other women in the venues who became friends. 

Very quickly, going back in my transition never had to be an option. By the time I decided to go all the way as a transgender woman, I knew my daughter would support me as well as Liz and my small circle of friends. As I made the final slide down the gender slope my landing turned out to be very soft. Even still, my heart goes out to those who are considering going back. Perhaps the whole experience could be thought of an ultimate experience which failed. Or maybe, they just wanted their old male privilege's back. 

Then again reversing my life again would be unthinkable because I would be so unhappy. I am afraid the person who did decide to go back would never be happy on either side of the binary gender border. 

Changing the Gender Locks

Image from Adam J
on UnSplash

It took awhile for me to change the locks on my old male self. He kept hanging on and on to the smallest reason not to go all the way with my gender border crossing.

Through it all, he was quite comfortable on occasion taking advantage of all the male privileges he had come to take for granted. He was used to taking personal security and even intelligence for granted. Age seemingly was the only prerequisite in gaining respect. When the locks were changed years ago, life changed with it. 

Changing ones' gender is nothing to be played with. I'm biased but I think transitioning as a transgender person (woman or man)is one of the hardest things a human can experience. All the cards are stacked against you as early in life you are forced into a square hole when you are certainly a round peg. Perhaps the interesting fact of the whole gender experience is when one door opened and you went through it, often it was slammed shut and locked behind you. You then had to be quick on your feet and learn what to do next. Surely mistakes were made but it was the only way to learn. Some would call it tough gender love. 

The farther I went in life as a novice transgender woman, the more locks I needed to change. The more I entered the world and was successful as a feminine person, I felt natural and couldn't wait to lock the old male door behind me. Even when it led me to potentially dangerous situations. I write often of the times I was on the verge of being seriously molested or worse in my early days of exploring the world. One night I was dressed way to skimpily and attracted the wrong set of man. My second wife needed to bail me out of the situation so I never heard the end of it. Even still I locked that door behind me and moved on with an important lesson learned. 

I was doing what I believed in so I was stubborn and any progress gave me hope. To follow in someone else's path would just have not worked. So I said to hell with the possible consequences such as losing my three "F's" family, friends and finances, I kept changing the locks behind me. I needed a huge lock as well as amazing amount of duress and thought before I decided to go through with donating all of my male clothes and deciding to live a fulltime life as a transgender woman. Also, hormone replacement therapy was in my future should I decide to explore the possibilities of furthering my femininity through HRT.

Along the way, I became very proficient at changing my gender locks and hiding them from the everyday world. Depending on the door, often I had to stop and look around at a totally new and exciting world. Once I did, I always decided to move on seeking a new door to go through.

A-Ha Gender Moments

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Archives

Since I have been fortunate enough to live a fairly long life, I have experienced several a-ha moments when it came to my all important gender needs. 

When I started my gender journey as a youth, even though for the most part I considered my desire to cross dress my boy self as a girl to be a fairly innocent hobby...unless I was caught. Looking back, I don't know how I managed to hide what I was doing. 

Perhaps my first a-ha moment came when I was able to save up enough of my own meager funds to buy my own makeup and pantyhose. Sure I was petrified but somehow I made it through and was emboldened to do more. The whole process was to set the stage for more gender adventures and a-ha moments or being scared to death but loving the feeling of success.  

A few of the biggest moments I mention quite often and I am sure I will remember them when if and when my life flashes in front of my eyes when I pass on to the other side. One was the night I decided I would make the effort to go out as a transgender woman and quit thinking of myself as a cross dresser. Knowing full well, there was nothing wrong with being a cross dresser, I just needed more since I was increasing how many times I was going out and the venues I was attempting to go to. On the night in question, I ended up in the parking lot of a nearby "Fridays" venue gathering my courage to go in. The end result was predictable as I was to discover later. I lived and was treated with respect. I had done so much more than just interacting with store clerks in the mall. 

The more a-ha moments I had, the more emboldened I was to try more. For the most part I was successful except when I tried a couple redneck venues where I was roundly rejected. I guess you could say I had different a-ha moments when I had the cops called on me. I learned the hard way and kept on trying. When I tried, I was able to find more success in my quest to see if I could live fulltime as a transgender woman. As I progressed, on occasion I was elated and couldn't stop thinking how I could fit in to the feminine world but other times when I thought of the enormity of what I was thinking of doing. My male self and wife were fighting me at every turn so life was not pleasant. 

As it turned out I out-lasted both of them and finally came to the conclusion I needed to transition fulltime into a world I had only had ever dreamed of. It was a huge a-ha moment and took a ton of pressure off of me. From there, it was a short jump to deciding if I should undertake hormone replacement therapy or HRT. HRT was yet another major moment of success. My body took to the new hormones as if I should have always been on them. 

The only problem I faced at that point in time was my feminine inner soul taking over my life. She had waited so long and proved time and time again she knew what to do if I would just trust her. 

As I near the age of seventy five, I am sure the a-ha moments maybe will be less numerous but more dramatic as I face the final hurdles of life.