Gender Variables

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

When I was first looking at myself cross dressed in the mirror and when the mirror was lying to me, I felt as if I was well on the road to understanding what my life may be like if I ever had the courage to transition.

Of course I had no idea of the obstacles and challenges I would need to face as I attempted to live a life I had only dreamed of. There were plenty of times when I woke up in the morning following a vivid feminine dream wishing I was still the female I dreamed of being. The problem being was dreams don't ever equal reality. 

Reality meant I needed to learn all the gender variables I would have to learn the hard way if I was ever be able to follow my dream and live full time as a transgender woman. The first example I ran into was how I was dressing myself. I mistook trashy for sexy and tried to validate myself as a woman by trying to dress as a teenaged girl. Happily, I learned quite quickly I was dressing for the wrong gender. I was dressing how my male self thought I should, when in fact I should have been dressing to blend in with the other cis women around me. Cis women are women who were born female. 

Once I started to be able to blend in with and exist in the world as a visible feminine person, I found out again the hard way, how many gender variables I still needed to face head on. The main issue I always mention is how quickly I needed to learn to communicate in public. Unlike the mirror, these people really wanted to talk to me. At the time, I had barely given any thought of how my voice as a woman would even sound to another person. What I ended up doing was I tried to mimic the woman's voice who was talking to me. Men, for the most part, left me alone so I didn't have to worry about them. I think other women were just curious why I was trying to live in their world. Whatever the case, I needed a vocal or communication plan and quickly.

What I learned was women (as I already knew) operated on a totally different wave length than men. There were to be no more direct conversations which men do so well. I needed to learn the power of non verbal communication clues as well as the passive aggressive nature that women deal with. There were many times I ended up with scars on my back when I thought a smiling face meant support. All a part of dealing with the new gender variables I was learning.

As it turned out, I was learning new layers of the feminine gender I had only dreamed of living. Plus I was ultra confident I made all the discoveries I could when along came  even more challenges. At that point I developed the small group of women friends I needed to rise to the next level of gender variables I needed to face. Often I was terrified but determined to stay the course I was on. 

I learned once and for all what I had always known deep down. Women live a much more layered existence than men. Little did I know I would end up living all the gender variables and then some as I lived my life as a trans woman. 

A Night with the Boys

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

Way back in the early days of going to what were known then as "transvestite" mixers, I ended up having a very special experience, In essence, I was still out with the boys, without my wife, it was just they were all dressed as women. 

The evening started innocently enough, with the usual sizing up of those cross dressers around us. A little bit of everyone was there from those cross dressers who were desperately trying to hold on to their masculine selves, all the way to the glamorous "A" listers who formed their own cliques. What I didn't know was during the evening, the group organizers were providing a few makeovers from professional makeup artists. 

I was intrigued by thinking I could be chosen for a makeover if I could fight through my fear to do it. Somehow I managed to land a makeover spot and then had to remove all the makeup I had spent so long to apply. Plus my ego thought I looked pretty good. I was to find out I was wrong.

There were several artists working, of both genders. It turned I was lucky and got one of the guys who were working diligently trying to do the impossible. In my case, he did do the impossible and I went through a magical transformation. To make matters better (or worse), along the way the make up guy was trying to explain all the techniques he was using to transform my face. I did my best to remember everything he told me and in the end run, he helped me to understand things such as the power of using a small amount of blush to highlight certain areas of my face. 

All too soon he finished his work and told me to put my wig back on. I could not believe the transformation and in my mind I was so excited  to show off my new look to the rest of the group. I did receive several compliments which cemented my desire to do more when the "A" listers went out on their own after the mixer was over. They normally went to some sort of a gay or lesbian venue to continue the party. To be able to go, I needed to be invited, so I began to seek out the one of the small group I knew and essentially invited myself along. I succeeded and managed to tag along for a night with the boys, all cross dressed as very attractive women. 

On this night, I was able to continue my own "Cinderella" experience when the group decided to call a taxi cab and go to an even smaller venue which to me looked as if it was a neighborhood tavern of some sort. It was somewhere in Cleveland, Ohio, which is all I remember now. This all happened during the pre-video game era and the place had two pinball machines. After I ordered a drink, I was able to find a couple quarters in my purse and started to play one of the games. Before long, a man approximately my age came up and wanted to play the same game with me so I had a decision to make. 

The rest of the group was wanting to leave and if I stayed, I would have to either call another cab or somehow depend upon this guy I had just met to get me back to the hotel. I made the split second decision to take the safe way out and leave with the "A" listers I came with. Before I did, to rub it in,  I made sure they knew I was approached by a guy and they weren't. 

From then on, I was more or less accepted by the group although I never had their privileged negative attitude which was so judgmental to others. However, from then on I was always searching for another "Cinderella" moment when I was able to spend a night with the boys without my wife. Partly because she normally always came along.

 Sadly, it never came again. 

Role Model

 

Image from Averie Woodard
on UnSplash

I have a close acquaintance who is taking a giant step forward in her transgender world.

She is stepping out of her comfort zone and will apply for a new job as her authentic feminine self. I was fortunate to be at one of her first attempts to explain why she was coming out of the closet which was tormenting her so much. I remember thinking at the time how far she had to go on her journey as I wished her the best.

During the following years, she has faced the same issues as other transgender women and trans men face, from marriage issues to kids and family decisions to decide upon. She has been very open on social media about her struggles. Including public pushback when her wife and her go out to eat. She lives very close to me and I know the venues she has had problems in and I understand why. In fact, I have had some problems also in one of the venues and we never went back.

Even with all of that, she pushed on and is now trying to take her transgender life to another level. Her current job is a truck driver which of course presented it's own level of challenge at every stop she made. She transitioned on the job and literally changed  her outward appearance overnight. I really respect the courage it took for her to take on her work world the way she did. Now the challenge she is seeking is to apply for another job (in the same industry) but in a whole different job as her feminine self as a logistical scheduler of sorts. 

If she gets this job or not, she is a true role model for others in the transgender community. To step out of her old gender comfort zone and sever ties with her old life as a man is remarkable.  It's a giant step forward. 

I am far from an expert in finding a job in todays' world. But from what I am reading in Cincinnati alone there are a few companies who are LGBTQ+ inclusive and offer employment possibilities to aid in a person's transition. It's good for both parties as the company can hire a good employee and the trans person is able to take a giant leap forward and support themselves financially in their new world. 

As I circle back to the person I know who is applying for the new job, I am sure this is just the beginning one way or another for her to step forward into a life she has always dreamed of. I hope she gets the job on the first try! 

Even though I am retired and don't have to face the work world as a transgender woman, I can still see a role model when I know one.