It's Complicated

 

Transgender Image 
from UnSsplash

As I transitioned, my overall life process became so much more complicated.

Fortunately during most of the time I did not receive many questions concerning my gender. It's not that I would have not answered most of the questions, even if anyone asked. It turned out the most sensitive question I do dislike is have I had any surgeries "down there". In fact, I reported a rude nurse during a mammogram I had asking the exact same question. It was certainly none of her business.

What also became very complicated was my life as a whole. The more I found I could live a life as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to pursue it. When I did, I ran head on into several major problems. The first of which was my second wife. As I write about often, she and I were married for twenty five years before she passed away. In addition she knew from the beginning I was a transvestite or cross dresser and my cross dressing initially had no bearing on our marriage. When I wanted to take my life a huge step forward and begin hormone replacement therapy, she drew the line. In no way did she want to live with another woman. As I began to be that other woman, our life together became very complicated and many huge fights happened.

The second main issue I faced was with my male self. He was rapidly seeing his life fade away and wanted to hang on as long as he could. Sooner more than later, the scales tipped and when I was still in my male role, I felt as if I was cross dressing as a man. At this point I was in an extra complicated relationship with the two most important people in my life...my wife and myself. In other words, two women fighting for my life. I was under intense pressure to make a decision on what I was going to do. I ended up attempting to live separately between the two major binary genders. I was torn completely on what my final decision would be.

At this point is when destiny stepped in and helped to make my decision for me.  When my wife passed away, there was really no one to tell me not to transition. From then on,  I had to begin to rely upon myself to make the final decisions on what I would live my life as. Continue as a man or explore the possibility of living as a transgender woman. It turned out I was soon helped along by a new set of accepting cis-woman friends I encountered along the way when I was out trying to enjoy myself. Through my powers of observation, I was able to sit back and learn more of what it meant to live a feminine life. We went to all kinds of places from LGBTQA Pride celebrations to lesbian mixers to women's roller derby matches. I had a good time and learned so much. Mainly that I did not need a man to validate myself as a transgender woman.

Very quickly when I decided to leave my male life behind, I knew very quickly I had made the right decision. It seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. From that point forward to the present day, my life has been remarkably uncomplicated once I faced my gender issues.  

Stages

Image from the
Jessie Hart Collection.

 Our topic today in my Veterans Administration group concerns the trials and tribulations of coming out, or letting others in to our authentic selves.

When I think back to my process of letting others in to me, I have a tendency to just zero in on two people, my daughter (only child) and my only sibling, a brother. To make a long story short, my daughter was very accepting and my brother was the opposite. In fact, I have not talked to him to this day. Sad but true. Overall, the real staging process came way before I came out or let some one in. 

In truth, I came out in stages when I experimented with testing the public as my novice feminine self. Thinking back, my first attempts at "showing off" came during Halloween parties. I started, predictably enough, with trying to dress as sexy as I could and telling everyone my "costume" was a prostitute. Over the years of trying, I slowly evolved into just trying to present well enough at the parties for others to think I was a cis-woman. As even that worked for me, it was time to consider my next move or stage I was going to.

What I decided on was I couldn't stand to wait another year to be in the public's eye as whatever label you wanted to attach to me. Cross dresser, transvestite, or even novice transgender woman were all possibilities What really mattered was I was finally beginning to adjust to living in a new gender world I had only dreamed of. Once I made it to one stage, I always thought I could make it to another. I was successful in doing the grocery shopping all the way for shopping for the Christmas gifts I was going to give away. As my new self. It was as scary as it was exciting.

It turned out the more stages I was successful on, the more I needed to be. Which led me on a collision course with my old worn out male life. Even though I was fairly successful living as a man, he could tell his time on my stage was coming to an end and did not appreciate it. It was around this time also when I hit the darkest time of my life. In the several years when my second wife passed away, I also lost nearly all of my very few male friends I had to death also. I was extremely lonely and turned to my feminine self to fill the void. I would cross dress to blend and go out to treat myself to a drink in one of the venues I had become a regular in. Since I really wasn't seeking companionship, I guess you could say I was going out to be alone.

Through it all, this stage of my life proved to me I could live as a transgender woman. All the other stages of my life all of a sudden became clear and I knew all the years of living on a male stage had been mostly a waste of time. The main thing that wasn't was the birth of my very supportive daughter. Which I would never have achieved if I wasn't on the male stage. 

Today, I won't have a very long time to explain the slow route I took to letting others into my true self.  Hopefully, writing about the process ahead of time makes it clearer to others.

Moving Parts

 

Image from the Paris 
Photographer on
Unsplash.

During my life watching how cis women move has been one of my favorite activities.

One thing is for sure, I knew from the interactions I had with other male type persons I dealt with, I was not alone. I will not go into the comments I heard from the guys. But once I began to leave the mirror world I was in as a cross dressing transvestite, I knew putting the image into motion would not be easy. I had no real idea of how women managed to do so many things with their body as they moved. They seemed to have so many more moving parts than men.

When I first started my path to living fulltime as a transgender woman, I found myself overcompensating. I was concentrating too much trying to move like a woman. I was overdoing it. It was about this time I tried to practice at times even when I was cross dressed as a man. Later in the evenings I went to big box stores which were mostly deserted to practice my walk. I probably attracted the attention of several security guards watching me on their hidden cameras but that was it. Once I started to relax, I was able to attempt moving as a woman to higher standards.

Back in those days, I usually wore  high heels when I went out. So negotiating the world in them was a challenge in itself. I think I did fairly well, except for a few highly publicized instances which I have written about here. Sidewalks with cracks became a challenge as well as large ventilation grates which I learned the hard way to avoid. I think just being in heels added a certain amount of feminine power to my presentation as well as helping the shape of my legs. Sadly, as I aged my ankles did also. All those years of walking concrete floors in restaurants as well as a few old football injuries made wearing heels impossible for me and I needed to learn to put together my feminine moving parts all over again.

These days, I think much of the cis woman world has caught up to me as I rarely see any women wear heels where I live. I estimate at the business professional Alzheimer's breakfast  meeting I went to, only two or three women were wearing heels. All of that is  here or there and since I have known for years transgender women have to try harder to prove themselves, I wonder what the world would be like for me again if I was able to wear heels. Would wearing them call unwanted attention to me? 

On certain days too, my mobility issues do their best to get the best of me. So moving at all takes precedence over stressing over feminine movements. As fall comes closer with it's cooler temperatures I plan on beginning my daily walks again which should help my overall health. In my own small way I will be able to work on my moving parts again. Before I need to increase my stamina to walk in to the hospital for my upcoming mammogram which I still have to schedule.

As with anything else in life, cis women lead a more challenging layered lifestyle than men as they are the high maintenance gender. It makes sense feminine moving parts are no different as the total gender package comes together. Yet another challenge for the transgender woman. .