More Hormonal Results

 

Image from Kareya Saleh
on UnSplash 

As I look back on my most recent posts, I discovered I left out one of my major changes when I started hormone replacement therapy.

The other major difference I left out was how the world around me started to appear. All around me, everything seemed to suddenly soften. All of it occurred at the same time the angles in my face were beginning to soften also, so perhaps the whole picture was a part of a bigger outcome. And the larger outcome was clear, the minimal (at that time) dosages of estradiol were working and I indeed was becoming more feminine. So quickly in fact, I was forced to change my timetable to when I planned on coming out to the world as a transgender woman. 

The in between step which unexpectedly took place was how quickly my overall appearance began to change. I went from a macho guy to androgynous person faster than I ever imagined. When I did, I began to consider when I was going to tell what was left of my family about my plans to complete a MtF gender transition. Since my parents had long since passed on, as well as other key individuals in my life, my "to tell" list was relatively small. 

I started with my daughter which turned out to be easy as well as a huge success. Her only comment was why was she the last to know. In fact, she was close to being the first to know since her Mother only knew me as a cross dresser or transvestite and her Step-Mother fought me every inch when and if I ever suggested I was transgender. So the topic was rarely if not ever brought up. My daughter's ultimate reaction was she wanted to take me out shopping which I declined since I already had a growing feminine wardrobe or treat me to a visit to her upscale hair spa for a makeover when my hair became long enough. Which turned out to fit perfectly in for me as a birthday gift. 

Just when I thought everything was going to be easy with my transgender coming out process, here comes my brother (only) and his family to ruin everything. After telling him I was trans, my invitation to the family Thanksgiving dinner was revoked. It especially hurt because my second wife used to single handily feed an increasingly large family for years on her own and here I was being shut out for wanting to live as my authentic self on the holiday. Since that time, now over ten years ago, we haven't spoken since. Even still, I was fortunate in that my daughter's family (including in laws) and my wife Liz's family have filled the void. I did not need or ever miss my brother's support anyway.

My body seemingly took to hormone replacement therapy as if it should have been on the new hormones all along. Destiny was on my side. It was a shame I needed to wait all the years I did to finally go through the gender change. Since all the time I used up as a male wasn't all bad, I was able to experience much in life while at the same time I obsessed on experiencing everything a hormonal change could do for me. The whole process helped usher me into a softer gentler more beautiful inner world.   

Father's Day

 

Image from Derek Thompson on
Unsplash

This year Father's Day marks a milestone for me. As some of you regulars may remember, Mother's Day this year marked the first time ever I received a Mother's Day gift and card from my only child, a daughter who obviously is very supportive. I need to point out receiving anything remotely tying me into being a mother was totally a surprise.  Or, I didn't ask for it. But, I did shed a tear when it happened. 

Now, on to my Dad. In essence he was long on being a provider and short on providing any sort of emotion. I can't remember him ever saying he loved me although I know he did. 

My Dad was a product of the great Depression and World War II. He was in many ways the image of a self made man and I was in awe of his accomplishments. My Dad rose from very humble beginnings to building his own house and rising to the position of a bank vice president. Since I was there when he mercifully regained his dignity and passed on after suffering from Dementia, I wish I was able to tell him how much I loved him and was proud of the life he had lived. Being a product of his world, I wasn't able to.

Now I regret I never tried to come out to my Dad. My excuse is I didn't know myself what I was back in those days other than a cross dresser or transvestite. Bottom line was I never wanted to face his rejection.

It has taken me many years to do it but now I have reached a point of understanding where my parents were coming from when they raised me. Knowledge of what being transgender was all about was lacking to all of us.

To honor my Mom, I adopted her first name as my legal middle name and finally have come to the point of being able to say I love you Dad and thanks for raising me the best you could and yes it was you I feared disappointing the most when I failed and did something wrong. Coming out as transgender just wasn't wrong.  

 

The Power of Estrogen

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

On occasion when I apply my dosage of Estradiol  patches, I pause to consider the effects on my body. Since I have been on hormone replacement therapy for years now, I take many of the changes for granted. Which I know I never should. I never know when my health may deteriorate and I may have to discontinue HRT. 

To begin with, I was one of the fortunate transgender individuals who at my age (early 60's) had passed the health screenings so I could begin wholesale changes to my body. Little did I know my body would just be the beginning to the changes I would experience.  Before you begin to think this is going to be another post about the usual effects of HRT, it is not. The usual effects happened relatively quickly for me, my hair and breasts grew, my skin softened and my selfish desire to be able to present well as a transgender woman was achieved  Reasons for the quick changes could have been I already had a higher level of natural estrogen in my body (which I never had checked) or most likely was my age which would have signaled a decrease in my testosterone anyhow.

What I didn't realize my brief gender euphoria I achieved would be short lived. Quickly I experienced new emotional highs and lows while at the same time I was going through the second major gender puberty in my life. I will never forget the first time I went through hormone induced hot flashes and I thought I was going to internally combust. Emotional changes included being able to cry for the first time in my life, for any number of reasons. An example was the sunset I was watching on my porch when an approaching small thunderstorm approached. For no apparent reason I began to softly cry. I think I cried because I was losing what remained of my old male self. Before I was unable to cry for even my closest family members when they passed away.

In no time at all, the emotions of beginning my new hormonal journey far outpaced the outward physical changes which occurred.  One of the changes which occurred was when my bodies' thermostat was effectively destroyed. Before hormones, similar to any other macho guy, I didn't really put much belief into when a woman told me she was cold. When I became cold all the time, I became that woman. My cis woman friends back then just told me welcome to their world. Little did they know. their world was the place I so badly wanted to experience. All the way to changing my hormonal gender levels through medication. 

I know also, many transgender women for health reasons can not undertake HRT and have never missed it. Perhaps they always had a higher natural estrogen level to begin with or are living proof gender comes from between the ears, not between the legs. 

In all cases too, socialization needs to be considered when we consider what makes a woman or a man. Socialization is so important when someone makes it (or doesn't)  In other words, some females or males never make it to the level of being women or men. For whatever reason, their life's journey is interrupted. 

Most importantly to me, estrogen took the hard edge of testosterone off of me. More than my hair, breasts and hips, my internal peace of who I had became was the new focus of my life. I was mellowed out by my new hormonal self induced (and doctor) monitored levels. Once I started the process I never needed to look back. As you can tell, HRT to me was much more than the physical results.