The Good, the Bad and...

 Actually is there is no ugly in regards to this post.

Last night we finally were able to venture out for my birthday dinner. We decided on a venue I have been wanting to visit for quite awhile now. Liz is a little more reticent to go to new places so I had to throw the birthday card (I won't say rump card) to get her to go. 

The Turf Club Cincinnati

Once we arrived, in our casual clothes and all, we felt right at home with a crowd basically dressed in jeans and sweatshirts. Plus, seeing as how the Turf Club (where we were) had a brief visit from the network halftime network football crew who was doing the Bengals game, quite a few of the patrons were showing off their best football attire. Even though I am still a huge fan, I have not been able to afford any of the current up to date "fashion" so I just went with a simple sweater, jeans and knee high boots. 

I will finish my plug for the venue by saying it has been visited by Guy of "Diners, Drive ins and Dives" Food Network fame and I had the same half pound burger which he did. Well, not the same one but made the same. 

A Turf Club Burger

Probably, most importantly, no one seemed to notice the tallish transgender woman in the crowded restaurant. It was the second time this week I experienced gender euphoria. The first was when I was instructed on which frames were for the women earlier this week when I went for my new glasses. This was after I spent too much time worrying about if the eye glass receptionist would have any gender related questions for me. 

Finally, today was my therapy day. It turned out nearly the entire session was dedicated to  revisiting all my old Veterans Administration mental health paperwork in the system. So, for the second time this month I was asked how I identified by the VA. Again I dutifully replied, I am a transgender lesbian and I answer to the she and hers pronouns. 

On the plus side I found I was going to receive a new I-pad to enable me to better be served virtually by the VA. Of course it can only be used for veterans related needs. 

Actually I fibbed earlier. Liz and I are attending a close friend's funeral who committed suicide. I have only been to one funeral since I gender transitioned, so I have picked out my best black outfit for such a sad event. That's the ugly of a terrific week.    

The Most Important Appointment

Today was my six month virtual visit with my endocrinologist. Quite possibly my most important appointment I have with all the various experts who attempt to keep me on the rails of life. Going a bit further, my endo prescribes and monitors my hormone replacement therapy medications. Without her support I would struggle to be outwardly the feminine person I am today.

Halloween Picture from
Columbus, Ohio Black Party
Courtesy Jessie Hart

HRT is always difficult to write about for several reasons. The first and main reason is that too many  having rogue unmonitored hormones can be extremely detrimental to your health. Estrogen can only take you so far in your outward feminine development before the tables turn. Which I have seen years ago in a couple transgender women at Trans Ohio meetings. Both of them were in ill health and blamed their problems on too much HRT.

On the other hand, under supervision, my years on hormone replacement therapy have for the most part produced magical results. I grew breasts, hair and hips while I went through the second major puberty in my life. But, it took me years to do it, often at minimal levels of added estradiol to my system. Most likely what aided in my progress was the fact I was older when I started around the age of sixty. So my natural testosterone levels were decreasing anyway. While I will always regret waiting so long to begin HRT, at least I could be confident I did the process the right way under medical supervision. To be sure, testosterone poisoning was something I still fight with but the memories of living in a toxic male world will always be with me too. 

Perhaps one of the biggest changes I didn't see coming were the internal ones which no one externally sees. I had heard the stories of emotional changes which occur with HRT but I can't say I was prepared for them when they came and became reality. Finally being able to unleash the emotions of my feminine inner soul was akin to lifting heavy weights from my shoulders. All of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I didn't have to be ashamed to cry. The whole experience was very enlightening. Once of the examples was when my body thermostat changed dramatically. Quickly I went from a person who was never cold to a person who always was. A shock when I found out all those years I thought women were faking it when they said they were cold. 

All of these reasons, plus several more I didn't mention all combine for me to consider my Endocrinologist appointment my most important visit. She checks all my extensive blood work to see if anything appears out of range, refills my Estradiol patches and Spiro and sends me on my way. With a promise to do it all again in six months. I take nothing for granted at my age and sadly am prepared to give it all up if my life depended on it. Which for many transgender women it does. After all gender is in your head. Not between your legs. 

I'm sure though by the time my time has run out, hormone replacement therapy will have done it's part to take years off my life. I will just have to decide if it was all worth it to enable me more completely to live an authentic life I  waited so long to live.  

Transgender Bravery versus Conviction

 Yesterday I virtually attended my monthly Veterans Administration LGBTQ support group meeting. Normally the meetings are fairly routine and I don't say much, plus the last get together featured an interesting mental exercise which everyone needed to be a part of if possible. The exercise started with a circle and then you had to add all the various important facets of your life. Examples would be privilege, family etc. 

After a few people stepped forward with their ideas, it became evident how important being a veteran was to all of us, as well as being transgender. Various privilege's came in a close third. Since we all happened to be white, almost everyone mentioned it. Mainly in a sense of how much privilege we lost when we gender transitioned into feminine lives as transgender women. 

Of course I write often and long concerning my own losses of male privileges when I transitioned. For the most part I felt them quickly and firmly. All of the sudden I had lost a significant portion of my IQ and were ignored when I was talking to men. I brought up the experience to the group when I needed to have my car towed and tried my best to explain to the tow driver and a sheriff where I needed to go. Once they heard the address they didn't need any other information from me. Since I was a blond that day, I finally just sat back and asked dumb blond questions about how the tow truck worked. Then I was "man-planed"  how it did. The best examples for me came when I was talking to men about sports which of course I knew quite a bit about. I found I was never taken seriously. Due to time constraints I was never really able to talk much concerning the real issue of losing control of your own safety when you transition to a transgender woman.

By far the best experience was shared by a transgender  man in the group who is completely presentable as a man and works as a nurse. He was saying he works with men from other countries who refuse to take any guidance from women and he has to go in and mediate between the two genders.

Other than that, perhaps the biggest topic from the group came when discussion started about being veterans and what it meant to us all, For me being a veteran was something I never wanted to do but was proud of myself for serving my time in an honorable fashion. Or at least I tried! :). Several others in the group managed to draw lines between being veterans and having the courage to pursue their lives as transgender women and men, 

Over the years occasionally I will be called "brave" when I describe a few of my coming out of my gender closet experiences. I prefer brave be saved for those who deserve it such as first responders. On the other hand my convictions led me to where I am today. As one of the participants said yesterday, as soon as she stepped foot into basic training, she had to stick with her convictions concerning who she really was. Plus I knew also, I just couldn't live a gender lie as a man. Somehow, someway I would have to find a way to live fulltime as a transgender woman.

There is no contest in my book in comparing transgender conviction to any sort of bravery. I rather leave the bravery to the ones who deserve it. Conviction is different. We all need it to survive in an often hostile world.  

Passing the Eye Test

Since Liz is off this week, I convinced her to go with me to pick out new frames for my new glasses. My old glasses which you may have noticed in a few of my pictures were rather non-descript. So I decided to change my eyewear up to something more up-tempo or modern. Hoping to add glasses to my fashion accessory list plus knock out two birds with one stone. The other bird is being able to see better. 

A Girl in Glasses
Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart 

 Regardless, It seems no matter what I do these days brings with it a dose of transgender paranoia. You would think my internalized fear would be going away since I have been out in the publics eye so long. But it just hasn't. My fear this time revolved around being directed to where the men's glasses frames were on display. To add to my fear was we had to wait a half hour in a crowded Veteran's Administration waiting room to be seen. No one in particular seemed to pay us much attention until when I came out and they  were able to see how tall I am. Around five foot ten but my weight is down to 215 Lbs. So I hope to go below two hundred pounds probably for the first time since I was in the Army. Currently, no matter how you cut it I am still a big woman. 

As far as the glasses went, my fears were unfounded. The receptionist gave me a cheery good morning and said immediately the selection of women's frames were right behind me. Proving once again most all the worry and transgender anxiety I feel is unfounded. I know where it comes from. All the problems I encountered when I first attempted to come out. A transgender girl friend of mine said it best when she told me I passed in the world out of sheer will power. Which I did. It took me tons of times when I went back to the drawing board to try and perfect my feminine image. At the least the process left me with scars which linger to this day. 

I like my new glasses a lot. They are hard to describe except the frames are multi colored and according to Liz (my wife) they frame my face well and flatter my complexion. The only downside is I have to wait three weeks for the glasses to come in. Seeing as how the entire process is free, waiting is not such a big deal. Not to mention just seeing better will be a plus. I have a difficult time seeing the keyboard well when I type the blog. An example would be seeing more clearly the difference between a comma and a period.    

Since I have been wearing my current glasses for nearly six years, I expect the change to be fairly dramatic. I plan to slowly shorten the length of my hair also to enable it to be more age appropriate. Liz already trimmed six inches off before the wedding. 

I hope the new glasses become the fashion accessory I think they will. Small essentials such as writing a blog and being able to see a menu in a dimly lit restaurant will be a welcome relief.  

Party Down Witches

Before Covid and continuing to the present, various organizations have hosted "Witches Balls" around Cincinnati, Ohio. Back in the pre pandemic days I was fortunate enough to have had a really good time at several of the parties. Most of the parties contained various mixes of people in costume, belly dancers and pirates. Along the way I managed to dress sexy for one of the big witches ball and even was hit on by one of the pirates. I don't know if it was a combination of what he was drinking or the low lights in the venue which worked to disguise my true gender to him. But either way I was flattered because I was more than a little drunk at the time also.

First Witches Ball with Liz
High Heels and all.

A year later I was actually able to work on the committee putting the event together. They all knew I was a transgender woman and welcomed the help I provided. I couldn't do much because I needed to sit down quickly most of the time. So the two "most mature" individuals in the group were assigned to a table

Second Witches Ball with Tom
On the left.

selling items which benefitted the coven putting on the ball. It wasn't as much fun as I had in the past but at least the sitting down didn't put a strain on my sore back.

As far as gender recognition went, I was striving for more of a more authentic witch look more than any sort of sexy costumed appearance. By this time, I had transitioned away from the need to try to be sexy into a more appropriate well dressed woman. Hoping to blend into the crowded venue more easily. 

I can't tell you I had more fun but deep down I realized I was changing from needing Halloween to being such a major event for me.  One thing was for certain, my feet were more comfortable after I relaxed my "costume" requirements and started to wear flats to the venue. You can't see what I was wearing from the waist down in the second picture but I chose soft flowing legged pants along with my black flats. 

I still have one final fairly dramatic Halloween post which I have been saving for the end. In the meantime, the Witches Balls I attended played a major role in me transitioning from being a cross dresser into my authentic life as a transgender woman.

       

Just a Series of Walls

As I pause this month to look back on everything I experienced and learned from during my Halloween public experiences, in many ways, the experiences served to be predecessors to my future gender discoveries.

Wedding Photo with my daughter on the
left and Liz's son on the right.

At first I was all about my appearance, not  thinking how I looked would only take me so far in my quest to live a feminine life. Especially when I decided I was indeed a transgender woman. Not a cross dresser anymore, I decided to move forward again and transition into being a transgender woman. I realized at the time (finally) I wanted to be a woman, not just look like one. When I take the time to look back to the earliest days of blogging I can easily read how obsessed I was with appearance. One of the posts I remember was when one Saturday night I sat out to go to a local downtown festival in nearby Dayton, Ohio. I was very detailed into how I looked and how the public responded. I went before the sun went down and even went as far to wear sunglasses so I could judge reactions to me. Both positive and negative.

During this time I was unknowingly preparing to perhaps climb the biggest wall of all, the power to exist in a world which I knew ran onto the often invisible power of woman. Mixed in with the obvious draw of male privilege. Fitting in to this new world was a challenge which was difficult but one I desperately needed to face. Surprisingly to me, I had to climb this wall quicker than I thought I would. People (mostly other women) were quick to observe me more completely when on the other hand, men had a tendency to ignore me. As I made it to the top of the wall, the view I observed was at once terrifying and equally exciting all at the same time. 

It was about this time I was forced to face the fact other people wanted or needed to talk to me. Mainly from the time I spent when I began to leave the malls and clothing stores which for the most part were too easy and begin to stop for lunch. Which caused me to do my best to develop a feminine sounding voice quickly. Something I am still working on to this day. Yet another wall I have not totally climbed. 

Perhaps the final wall I have to climb will be what will happen when I die. Since Social Security just announce they would now honor gender changes, which may be a small benefit to us all. Even still, as I always write about if the final paranoia I feel when or if I have to be sent to an assisted living facility and/or a nursing home. I feel my problems could be magnified by the choice I made to have had no surgeries regarding my gender. I am also paranoid of what will happen to me if I am directed to stop taking my hormone replacement therapy medications.

As I look ahead to the wall ahead, I have decided to live my life to it's fullest the best I can. Even though I may be out of walls to climb.  

Inspiration

First Wedding Kiss

Today we were sent our wedding pictures by my daughter who along with my grandchild is an amazing photographer. 

Sadly, I don't think just one picture can convey the emotions I feel when I see it. Even though hormone replacement therapy has mellowed me out from copying the no emotion persona I inherited from my Dad. During the wedding ceremony, I barely made it through my prepared vows I made on my own without becoming emotional and began tearing up,

What I was trying to say was how much I loved all of the various things my new wife Liz did for me back when we first met. 

Outside of the major questions concerning my gender issues, Liz was instrumental in me coming out of a very dark time of my life. Essentially I had lost everything dear to me and for some reason came to believe I deserved it. Anytime I came close to drifting in the self detrimental decisions I somehow found myself getting into, Liz would pull me out of my funk. Obviously she (Liz) faced quite a bit of work she never backed away from.

Of course outside of my moody issues, my gender dysphoria came in a close second on occasion, or even took the lead on others. Life could be very difficult and I was difficult to live with. How did Liz handle it? She told me she had only ever seen a woman in me. Keep in mind also, at that time I was still working on transitioning from being a serious cross dresser to a novice transgender woman. In fact she was with me the night I took my first estradiol pills. Needless to say, a big moment in my life. 

As you can tell, Liz was and is pure inspiration to me and everyday I thank the powers to be in the universe for bringing us together. We met in the most unlikely way possible. In an relatively obscure on line dating site when against all odds Liz responded to my "sad eyed" picture and the rest as some would say is history. 

Finally, I would thank all of you who went out of your way and take your valuable time to congratulate us. It means a lot!     

A Night at the Theatre

 This is yet another Halloween experience which helped me to break out of my gender closet and experience a possible life as a transgender woman. 

Image by Danie Franco
on UnSplash

Years ago Columbus, Ohio completely restored a very elegant classic vintage theatre downtown. With interest I learned the new venue would be hosting a late night Halloween horror show silent movie complete with accompanied music from the restored theatre house organ. Aside from being a total restoration geek, I immediately sensed an opportunity to extend my feminine Halloween adventures. From there the evening began to come together quite nicely. Little did I know how much fun I would have. 

The first thing I had to do was get four tickets. Two for my first wife and I and two for two other close friends I wanted to go with. Then I needed to put together a "costume" for the evening. Actually, back in those days, my options were as limited as my wardrobe. Following several unsuccessful trips to thrift stores, I settled on a mini dress which I had even worn on another Halloween adventure but with different people. Supposedly, changing up what I wore would keep people from guessing how serious I was concerning how I was perceived as a woman. The last thing I wanted to do was however was try to be an obvious jokester of a man in a dress. 

As it always happens, the time coming up to the Halloween evening seemed to go so slowly as this was the only time of the year I could escape my self imposed gender closet and explore. Before I could explore I had to decide if I was going to throw caution to the wind and go all out to appear as a sexy woman. Back in those days, shaving my legs was a rare and often wonderful experience and I decided to do it for the evening. Shaving of the legs is the one biggest giveaway I think between someone dressing as a woman as a joke and someone who is a serious cross dresser. In other words, going all the way for me was the only way to go. 

The afternoon of the party, when I left work, I was able to leisurely prepare for my night on the town in "C-Bus" which was only approximately a half hour away. I drew a hot bubble bath and made sure all of the hated hair was off my legs before I was able to slide into a new pair of panty hose without ruining them with a run. Then came the makeup, mini dress, long blond wig and heels which I would regret wearing later. After downing a couple of "road pops" for courage it was time to head out, pick up our friends and go to the theater. 

These friends in particular had seen me before dressed as a woman so I don't think there was much of a surprise to them when they saw me. My wife always knew I was a cross dresser so I know for sure she wasn't surprised. 

The unfortunate part of wearing the heels I did came when I learned how far I was going to have to walk in them as parking was at a premium. Needless to say my feet weren't used to walking that far in heels and were protesting. I had to hitch up my big girl panties and pay the price for fashion. It all was so worth it once we arrived and saw all the other beautiful and creative costumes. For better or worse no one seemed to notice the tall blond in heels and mini dress. The movie with the background organ was wonderful.

Not as wonderful as my big night out at the Ohio Theatre.  

Being a Woman is a lot of Work

 

Photo courtesy 
Jessie Hart

Recently I wrote a post about the cost involved with being a transgender woman. Now I am adding a companion post concerning the amount of work it takes to be a woman. 

On occasion I happen along a novice transgender woman who seemingly wants to look, act and/or be accepted in the feminine world immediately.. I usually try to tell her to be patient. The gender journey is not a race, it is a life long marathon. Once you think you have the process down it changes on you. 

Also the gender change process takes an immense amount of work. Lets start with clothes. Many, including me rush out and buy some frilly ultrafeminine outfits which naturally look wonderful on a beautiful  model. It takes time, energy and money to learn what looks good on an internet model may not flatter your testosterone infected body unless you are one of the rare few naturals who are able to transition into an attractive woman easily. 

In my own case I was able to take care of my skin long before I seriously started to gender transition. Which helped immeasurably when I was applying foundation following a close shave. Plus I did realize (like Stana says) shaving actually helped me because it got rid of old skin cells. After I began to become very serious about following the path to a feminine life, I decided I had to shed myself of most all of the extra weight I had gained over the years with pizza and beer. Amazingly I was able to lose nearly fifty pounds to get down to a much more manageable weight, Which meant a wider choice of fashions to wear. Also I became more adept at hiding my masculine broad shoulders and narrow hips by again wearing clothes which tried to not accentuate my shoulders. 

I mention all of this because it just scratched the surface of the work I put into becoming my authentic self and in my case the entire process took years to refine in the public's eye. I'm sure to a novice I am nothing more than an experienced confident transgender woman but they were not around when I was struggling to find my way in a new world. 

Along the way also I found out the hard way being the "pretty, pretty princess, as my wife called me was just not going to be enough to continue my path to living full time as a transgender woman. I found what I had always suspected deep down women were the more complex and often the stronger gender. To join them would require much more than just appearing as a woman in public. The process wouldn't take long because seemingly overnight I had to begin to interact more intensely with the public as my true self.

Were there mistakes? More than I care to count. The times I tried to wear ill fitting wigs to the wrong venue come  back to haunt me even more than my choice of wardrobe. 

My hope is that these days, in direct comparison with the past there are many ways a novice transgender woman can learn the feminine ropes. In many area's now there are strong LGBTQ organizations who offer social functions for all transgender women or men as well as cross dressers also. Plus the social media outreach can be a help if you can steer clear of the crazies. 

Bottom line, as any cis woman will tell you, it's takes a lot of work to be a woman. Be prepared.    

I Was Never a Crossdresser?

 

Image from Alexander Grey
On UnSplash

A couple days ago I read with interest a post from a person saying they were transgender but had never been a cross dresser. Further more, cross dressers were an embarrassment to all transgender women. I wish I could provide just a few of the many derogatory comments which followed. Nearly all of the comments were against the idea of the transgender woman claiming to never have been a cross dresser. The whole post to me sounded like a "I'm transer than thou" attitude. Perhaps even to the point of the poster having internal transphobia.

I freely admit to being what I call an increasingly serious cross dresser. Before I ever admitted to being transgender, I needed to research if such a big move was a fit  for me. Most certainly, the possibility of losing an entire life and beginning a new one from scratch was intimating. Plus, by definition, I was crossdressing from one binary gender to another. Much later on in life I finally realized I was doing my cross dressing as a guy, not a woman although all those years I thought I was attempting the opposite. Doing my best to feminize myself. 

Ironically, the person who posted the comment also came out against cross dressers who come out of their closets at Halloween. This comment went totally against everything I had ever felt and learned from my Halloween experiences. I believe my very short time out of the gender closet provided me so much experience and confidence to move forward in life. All in all, the only time I can think I ever found cross dressers to be distasteful was at the various Pride celebrations I went to when I saw several cross dressers (not drag queens, which is another subject) teetering around on high heels while squeezed into impossibly tight or short dresses. I thought to each their own and they were probably just out of the closet novices. The drag queens to me provided much more of a threat to the visibility of transgender women.

We all have to arrive at a point when we can accept ourselves as being transgender. If being a cross dresser through a portion of your life is needed to do it, then so be it. Over the years, I knew another transgender woman who said she was never a cross dresser and stuck her nose up in the air when she said it. Again I don't understand how a person who at first had to get dressed in her car before meetings could say such a thing. But she did I questioned her on it during one meeting and was soundly rejected for my comment so I just shut up for once. 

I view my life as a cross dresser as going through a series of closed doors. Once I had established myself behind one door, I just had to see what was behind the next door and open it. Finally I found my way to where I am today. Living life as a newly married full time transgender woman. I would guess more than a few "surgically corrected" trans women would pull the no surgery card on me (since I don't desire any) and say they are more transgender than I am. Which I think is truly a shame. 

I am not ashamed to say my decades as a cross dresser in a gender closet most of the time made me what I am today. I transitioned from being a cross dresser to a transgender woman at the age of sixty. So I was very much a cross dresser which helped me to find my way to where I have arrived today.   

All I Ever Wanted

 
Back when I was young I always struggled with which gender I would wake up to be. Of course and sadly the answer was always the same. I never changed and yet again I would have to face the day battling the male gender I never wanted to be a part of. Regardless I learned the rules on how to be a boy and grudgingly survived in the world. 

Photo Courtesy 
Jessie Hart

Against my deep seated desires to be a girl, I learned and played on athletic teams throughout school up to the end of high school. The example I always give is how I yearned to be a girls' cheerleader when I was playing defensive end on the football team. Again, all the yearning in the world couldn't help me jump the huge gender divide I was looking at. The only thing sports did was keep the bullies off my doorstep. It was all so frustrating. 

Also very frustrating was knowing I probably would have my life as I knew it interrupted for several years by military service. No longer could I use my small collection of  shoes, clothes and makeup to relieve the gender stresses I felt. Somehow I made it through Army basic training and was fortunate when my request to be accepted into the Defense Information School was accepted. The next two and a half years of my life turned out to be the most interesting of my life but still didn't bring me to my ultimate goal of living a feminine life. I'm always careful to say a "feminine life" because deep down I knew I was a woman but just couldn't live it to the fullest for obvious reasons. On the rare occasions I was discussing my entire gender situation with transphobes or TERF's, I was always careful to explain females were born but women are socialized. Plus the age old argument that that only women can birth children is not true because of the number of women who can't forever what reason bear children. Others try to make the whole process more complex but I just gave you my simplified approach. 

Along the way, I learned I could and did get socialized as a woman. It meant giving up all of my hard earned male privileges as a beginning and then learning to communicate with the world as a woman. Which meant, as I am fond of saying, I earned my chance to play in the girls sandbox. I was laughed at, threatened and stabbed in the back many times before I finally learned my hard earned lessons. 

Through it all, my journey never waivered. All I ever really wanted was to be a woman. The whole process made me to difficult to live with, I don't understand how my first two wives put up with me. Here is an example.  My second wife and I often used to try to out-run the late summer Ohio heat by vacationing in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. On one such trip, when I had a good job, a loving wife and seemingly all the positives my life could offer I was still miserable. My wife sensed it of course and kept pushing me for what my problem was. I never did tell her my issue was a wanted to be making the trip as a woman. 

Giving up all the hard earned male privilege's I earned was in a word "difficult" but so worth it. With the help of hormone replacement therapy I have been able to feminize my external body to match my feminine soul as well as add more emotional awareness to my life. I never thought I would make it this far and the whole journey was so worth it. It's all I ever wanted.