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| JJ Hart, picture taken after mixer. |
Gender blockers often came fast and furious at me as I lived my life.
First, I needed to figure out how to camouflage my big boned
testosterone poisoned body so I could present well enough in the world to get
by, once I arrived there. Which in itself was a big enough hurdle to face. Then
I summoned the courage to go out of my closet and into the world, I learned the
hard way how much further my trip would take me and how many people would try
to block me.
At the beginning, it was never easy, especially around teen
girls who always seemed to figure me out and have quite the giggle at my
expense. Often, it took weeks for me to recover, go back to my cross-dressing
drawing board and try the world out again. Fortunately, these were the days
when I was attending the cross dresser-transgender mixers and parties in nearby
Columbus, Ohio. At these events, often I was able to compare myself to others
around me with the same gender issues and see how I was doing with my
presentation. Also, I left the diverse
parties I was going to by discovering a deeper understanding of where I
possibly was going in my life. I was learning I was so much more than just a
man with a hobby of looking like a woman. I kept going back to the fact that
increasingly I wanted to be a woman. It was my dream.
Often, my dream was shattered by a number of outsiders.
While my wife was very supportive of me as a cross dresser, she completely drew
the line at any suggestion I was transgender and had nothing to do with me
starting HRT. Then she would team up against me with my male self who was
beginning to feel threatened with losing his world. Mainly because I was beginning
to have an idea of how my gender dream could become a reality. If my male self
was becoming successful in conquering all the blocks and hurdles, he ran into,
why could not my feminine side do it too.
At times, my male to female transition process was allow and
tedious, and at other times fast and exciting. Frustration would set in when I
would try to spend three days a week concentrating on my transfeminine side of
life, only to have to revert back to my old male side the remainder of the
week. Including my job which was male dominated. The whole back and forth
gender life destroyed my fragile mental health and made my life hell, except
when I was in my transgender phase. I had too many plates in the air which I
was trying to keep spinning. Sort of like trying to keep several girlfriends
happy at once.
I could finally take it no longer and needed to try to start
removing my roadblocks one at a time. I began with the social roadblock. Could
I actually begin to carve out a brand-new life as a transgender woman where no
one knew of my past. To my surprise, I found I could. Probably because when I
got past the point of thinking I was trying to fool anyone into thinking I was
a cisgender woman, I just became me, and I was good enough not to scare anyone
away. One roadblock cleared. The next thing
I needed to figure out was how I was going to support myself. Because transitioning
on the job was out of the question, I needed to find a different answer. I took
so long to do it, the problem solved itself when I got close to a point where I
could take an early Social Security retirement and then sell the many
collectibles my late wife and I had collected to survive.
With all the gender blockers to my dream out of the way, I
needed to push my own feminine self-improvement program ahead. It meant seeking
out an understanding doctor to prescribe me gender affirming hormones. When I
did, I was able to see and sense a noticeable difference in my external and
internal self. My skin softened and my hair grew so I could use less makeup and
leave my wigs behind for good. All of which helped me to present better in
public. Internally, I could not believe all the changes HRT was helping me with.
I was more emotional as my world softened. For the first time in my life, I
could cry tears of sadness and even joy.
From then on, I had paid all my dues and was ready to settle
into the dream life I never thought I could obtain.
Finally, as a serious side note, it is 9-11, never forget.
