The hole I chose was very dark, and full of dead-end passages
before I ever had the chance to see any daylight. As I pursued my long-term
dream of living as a woman, I needed to go through quite a few serious changes.
In my rabbit hole, there was very little to no help. Especially, any guidance initially
from other girls or women around me. It took me years to quit being a victim of
my gender issues and make them an opportunity, as I scrambled around my rabbit
hole to make it more comfortable.
Of course, it never became more comfortable, and exactly the
opposite was true. The further down I dug, the darker my life became. Out of
desperation, I searched for my gender daylight. Way past the annual Halloween parties
I was going to dressed completely as a woman. Once a year in the public’s eye
just wasn’t going to make it for me anymore. I needed other outlets to test how
I was doing as a transgender woman. Novice or not. When I was out for the
longest time, I felt like the rabbit which was being circled by a hawk. I was
so unsure in my new high heels, I could not have run if I had wanted to. I was
forced to stay and get abused early on.
I guess I was lucky that my abuse was relatively mild in
nature as compared to what it could have been. I was just stared at and laughed
at for the most part, until I learned to blend in with the ciswoman world at
large. As I did though, I was sent flying down my transgender rabbit hole in tears
as my progress was slow. At that point, two things happened. The first was, my
hole became my gender safe place where no one could reach me. I was always the
pretty girl I wanted to be. The other was the unforgettable sensation of why I
was attempting such a crazy journey to start with. I was fairly successful in
the male life I never really asked for, so why rock the boat and risk drowning.
Another important lesson I learned was my perception of a woman's life was all wrong. It was like I was watching a slide show on the walls of my
rabbit hole when I viewed women. It was not until I tested the daylight of the
world, did I realize the truth of what I was about to face. The most important
truth I learned was how completely women interacted with men in the world and
how innately strong they were. I wondered how and when I could ever fit in as a
transfeminine person. I found the only way to learn was to do it and see if I
would ever be let in to play in the girls’ sandbox.
To finally make my way into the sandbox, I needed to extend
my rabbit hole even farther than I ever had imagined. Since I was always inherently
shy, learning to look another woman in the eye and communicate with her was
always so difficult for me. It took me years to have the confidence to believe in
myself and do it. The most frustrating part was when I thought I had my new
life all together, something else would come along to destroy my dream. My
rabbit hole had collapsed and needed to be rebuilt. Once I accepted the new
challenge of transgender womanhood, I moved on and rebuilt my rabbit hole
larger and stronger than ever before.
As transgender women and trans men, we all have our rabbit
holes to negotiate. Some are similar, some are not but along the way, we all
end up giving away something that is precious to us. Sadly too, some of us discovered
our rabbit hole was too deep or built so poorly we had to turn back. I’m
referring to the so-called “detransitioners” who the gender bigots and TERFS
love to use us as an example of failure in the transgender community. I believe the
number of people in the community is much lower than the bigots like to point
out, so it doesn’t really matter that much to those of us who have carved out a
new life when we left our rabbit holes and carved out a new life.
Sure, it was never easy doing all that work, but in the end,
it was so worth it to achieve a dream and stay out of the old hole I had built
myself forever.
