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| JJ Hart |
Recently, I have taken an informal poll with my wife Liz. We walk a lot and stop to talk to our neighbors quite a bit. Just once I would like to ask the neighbors, we see what makes them, them. Just kidding of course, I can’t imagine doing such a thing in our neighborhood. If I did, I would guess that they would all take for granted their gender and they would look at me as if I was crazy.
Predictably, the women who live on both sides of us are very
friendly and the men are rather standoffish to me which brings me to my point
of what is up with the men in the world today. First of all, as difficult as it
is to being a woman today, in many ways, being a man carries its own set of
potential problems. Primarily, having a very fragile idea of their own
sexuality. Plus, men are still expected to be primary providers in many
families which is added pressure not to lose your job.
For me, growing up, my gender became an early issue, but my
sexuality never did as I was attracted to all things woman. At least, in my
mind, I had one constant to hang on to about what made me, me.
As I started to grow into myself, I began to understand the
differences in what I was facing which were different than the mass majority of
the other men around me. When I inwardly did not embrace the male culture, I
was born into of competition and posturing, all it caused was extreme mental
conflict. Which I am or was sure the other men around me did not have to deal
with. Most of my stress was caused by the pressure I put on myself in the
highly competitive restaurant business I was in. Even though I was outwardly
very successful, inside I wanted to run and hide as my increasingly
transfeminine self. At the same time, I wished I could just be like the other
men around me and not have to carry around the gender issues I carried. I was
resentful either way I turned by not being the ciswoman I wanted to be or the
man I always was.
At the same time as all of this was happening, I went
exploring in the world as my exciting yet terrified new feminine self. The
first move I made was to transition for the second time in my life from being what
I perceived as an innocent guy who just liked to look like a woman, all the way
to a guy who wanted to be a woman and see if she could interact one on one with
other cis women when I was out. Which took me to the fateful evening at TGIF
Fridays when I finally decided I had enough of what used to make me, me and
wanted a change. As frightened as I was of losing my male privileges, I went
ahead with the move, was successful and knew my life would never be the same
again.
As I continued my explorations into the new me, I had
glimpses of how my life as a transgender woman could be and could not get enough
of the learning process, I was a part of. I made it a point to try new
situations as a trans woman that I always wanted to be a part of when I was on
the outside looking in as a man. I tried gay bars, lesbian bars and even the
big sports bars I was familiar with as a guy before I settled into a venue
where I was accepted and felt comfortable. In other words, I was involved with
learning what made me, me. Something I had been missing my entire life.
I do believe if you are starting your gender journey from
scratch these days, you may feel the same sort of resentment I felt when I
started, which was something like why me? It was not until I embraced who I
really was and learned the benefits of being able to see and live out both
sides of the binary gender spectrum. In my case, I needed to put the feminine
image I saw in the mirror to the test in the public’s eye to see if I could
really pass the public’s scrutiny. Until you get out of your mirror and prepare
for the bumps and bruises of your gender path, you will know the truth about
yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going back to being a cross
dresser in your closet or a transfeminine person in the world.
As gender challenged transgender women or trans men, we face
many uphill battles that other women and men don’t have to face. Such as the
basis of our gender at all. It is one of the basics of human nature that we
take our gender for granted, but what if we don’t? Then the search starts for who
you really are and what makes you, you.
