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| Image from Shifazz Shamoon on UnSplash. |
Typically, as we follow our winding gender journeys as transgender women or transgender men, we reach points where we must decide what we are going to do next.
It is especially intimidating to see all the political anti-transgender
ads on TV funded by far away billionaires such as Theil and Musk who are
pouring millions into defeating Democratic candidates here in my native Ohio.
Especially the ones stating that the Democrats are extremists who supported sex
change surgeries for children in school. That is about as far as I want to go
politically in this post, so I will move on to what really matters…each of us
and how we feel.
If the so called “civilians” in our world knew what we have
to go through to see results in our individual gender worlds, they may understand
more what it is like to be in our shoes and being constantly bombarded with
negativity. Following years of struggles (or decades) I was fortunate to have
found my way into discovering who the true me really was and most of the years
of turmoil went away. Even still, I needed to follow a journey of steps which
led me to blind curves which I knew nothing about.
All I discovered was that I had an unique life worth living
to the fullest and very few other human beings can live a life which enables
them to experience both sides of the binary gender road. It meant being able to
exist in a life I never really wanted to live as a man. Slowly stop it altogether
and start all over to earn a place like the other gender. As frustrating as
that life as a trans person can be, the rewards can still be there if you can
answer all the what’s next. Since most of us begin our lives cross-dressing in
front of a mirror, there is plenty of ground to cover. Because we are destined
to have such a small knowledge of the gender we are seeking to become. Again, because
we are stuck on the outside looking in.
Gaining access to your new life can take many paths. Sadly,
many involve marriage, family and friends we do not want to give up but have
to. The ways to announce your true self to the world can be done in several
ways. Some just pull the band aide off, cross-dress and say here I am to the
world, while others write letters and others still try to soften the blow by
providing positive feedback from the internet or social media. Sometimes, I
think I chose the most painful way of all as I tried to maintain my marriage to
a woman I loved deeply while I knew all along that my truth was going to slip
sooner or later. To make matters worse, she knew I was a cross dresser from the
beginning and accepted it but told me time and time again she would draw the
line at any moves I would ever make to going the transgender route and taking
HRT hormones. She did not want to live with another woman. An answer I could never
debate.
I guess you could say, I wanted the best of both gender worlds
as I tried to do better and better in the male world I learned to survive in,
while at the same time work very hard on my makeup and wardrobe to appear more realistic
as a woman. All I was doing was creating severe friction within the marriage and
within my head. If I was not thinking about work, I was thinking about how I
could improve myself as a novice trans woman. Which I was just understanding
that is what I was.
Without fail, I would get moody and nasty when I did not get
my way and be able to cross-dress when I wanted which led to more friction
within the marriage and more fights. In the heat of battle, my wife told me a
couple of things I should have reacted to sooner. One of which would have been
difficult for me to do and the other I should have been doing all along. Being
called a “Terrible woman” was one thing I did not understand until I had the
chance to live my truth as a transfeminine person and the other time she told
me, “Why didn’t I be a man and live like a woman.” She was right, I should have
done it. No matter how painful it would have been for me to carve out a new
life for myself during that portion of my life when I was in my thirties.
Another problem was the sizeable male ego I was still
carrying around with me. He wanted me to look and act a certain way as a novice
trans woman which my wife did not like. Which led to more fights. The only
revenge I ever got on her was the night she was forced to ask me for help on
her makeup when we were invited to an upscale business dinner. At least the “Terrible
woman” was better at makeup, I guess.
The thing it took me years to understand was that it was
never about looking terrible as a woman, it was all about being socialized as a
ciswoman. Sadly, my wife passed away before she could ever get to know the new improved
feminine me. It took me until I was in my fifties to begin to get admission into
the Girls’ Club and fully understand more about what my wife was talking about
all those years before. I was suddenly on the verge of knowing where I wanted
to go from that point forward. As every part of my being was telling me I was
making the right decision about my life and should go for it.
I would not recommend taking the amount of time I took on my
gender path before I made the final decision to live a life I always thought was
going to be a dream. I think now there would have to have been a better way or
like my second wife said, “Be man enough to be a woman.” At the same time, I had my reasons for not
doing it when I did which I will discuss in-depth on another post.
In the meantime, I hope you have a clearer understanding of
where you want to get to in the everchanging world of trans women and trans
men.
Thanks so much as always for reading along and I hope somehow, I have helped you on your gender journey. Comments are always appreciated!
