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| JJ Hart. Key Largo last year. |
Sealing the deal on my male to female gender transition was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life.
It is the main reason I kept putting it off until I was nearly
sixty years of age and could take the pressure no longer. The only way I kept what
sanity I had was to cross-dress my way along until I could take bigger, more substantial
steps. One of the problems was, I had
learned that cross dressing was not nearly enough to solve my gender issues and
sooner or later, I would have to face the truth of who I really was. Also, I
was very naïve and thought I could balance the influence of two genders in my
world as I grew older.
As I set out to build a reasonably successful male life, at
the same time, I was trying to fill out my feminine workbook with absolutely no
help from other women. I was stuck being on my own for years, until I
progressed to the point where I could leave my closet and explore the world as
a novice. After brief successes (and a lot of failure), I was able to see
portions of my future and judge if I could ever seal the deal and live my dream
of being a fulltime transgender woman. Even though I was still progressing, I
was still hitting roadblocks on my path to trans success and had to keep
working my way forward through failure.
All I could see in my future was a life I would have to live
alone with no way to support myself as a transfeminine person. My sexuality did
not change, and I wanted basically nothing to do sexually with men, and I knew
how incredibly difficult it would be to find a ciswoman who would accept me the
way I was. I had pulled off some other seemingly impossible things in my life
but accomplishing this and sealing the gender deal was too much to hope for.
Then, as I lived my new life as a trans woman, I learned
that maybe my dream was not too much to hope for and one thing was for certain,
if I did not try, I never would know if I could make it. I expanded my
explorations with men and managed to have a couple real live dates when I
enjoyed myself but nothing sexual happened, so I set my sights in lesbian bars
for a ciswoman who wanted a woman with a little bit extra experience in the
world. Amazingly to me, I was moderately successful in one lesbian bar where
they accepted me. Which brought me so much closer to thinking I could seal the
deal and live my dream.
Now I was to the point where I had to really see where I
wanted to take my life. I was an executive general manager of a large casual
dining restaurant which I had put in years of hard work to arrive at. If I
transitioned, all the work I put into my career would be gone (along with the
money) and I would have to start all over again. Behind the world as a
transgender woman. Naturally, the whole situation was a major roadblock.
It finally came to the point where I faced sealing the deal
like I was jumping off a cliff into nothingness. At that point destiny set in
for me and made my final decision so much easier. Tragically, I lost my second
wife and almost all of the close friends I had to death and could start with a
clean slate in life. Plus, the restaurant I owned was failing and I was losing
it also, leaving me a couple of years to work before I could retire early on
Social Security which would give me enough income to get by. As You can tell,
the doors to transition were opening wide and I would have been a fool not to
walk through them.
Most importantly, my mental health was suffering and my self-worth
as a man was at an all time low, so it was time to end the torture I was feeling
and jump off the cliff and seal the deal. It was during this time too, that the
Veterans Administration health care system, which I was already a part of,
approved veteran’s care for gender dysphoria with mental health counseling and
HRT if approved. I was quickly approved and ended up taking another giant step
towards achieving my dream and sealing my lifetime goal.
What did I have to lose? I was leaving a male life I never really
felt comfortable in to jump off a gender cliff and land in accepting women’s
arms as I joined their world. When I did, I tried to take every little bit of
advantage I could from all the learning experiences I put in over the years. Landing
on my feet in high heeled shoes was a challenge but I managed to make it in
fairly good shape. I came out fully at the age of sixty when I finally decided
to seal the deal and never looked back. I could not take balancing two genders
any longer and took the easy way out into the world of women where I should
always had been.
As always, thanks for reading along, and any comments are
welcome! I always do my best to respond.
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