New Years Eve

Since I have written very extensively about what I am doing on New Years Eve...here is wishing you the best too!

If you are planning to go to a party, or just a quiet evening with friends, I hope you enjoy your time!

By all means, be safe!

I Love It!

Yesterday, even though we were just going to run errands at the grocery store and other places, I decided to wear my new boots and one of my new sweaters.

I paired them with my paisley patterned leggings and black leather jacket. It was one of those outfits (rare) I felt really felt good in. The sweater and the leggings actually gave me some shape.

The only problem I had, was trying to get my hair to look halfway decent at all. It might be time to consider getting it colored again. As you may (or may not) remember, my hairdresser and I are letting my hair go back to it's natural color.

As the red fades, I think some sort of soft blond color might be an ulterior motive, I may have thought of.

I am still about three weeks away from my next salon appointment, so I have some time to think about it.

In the meantime, Liz and I seem to be on the rebound from nasty colds we have had, so New Years Eve seems to be a great go. The weather is supposed to be unseasonably warm but with rain.

I'm thinking about wearing my new fave outfit! 

Have a Transgender New Year?

New Years Eve is obviously right around the corner. Liz and I do have plans this year, rather than endure another stay at home evening as another year comes to an end.

We are going back to the venue where we celebrated our second New Years Eve together here in Cincinnati. Which was four years ago.

I always have liked celebrating the New Year because it gives us a chance to look back over the year just passed and ahead to a new year. Having said that though, I have never been a person to set huge goals. Obviously I wish for continued good health, for myself, family and loved ones. What I should resolve is to get to work putting together my second book and to become more active as I head towards my 70th birthday on this planet.

It's not like I am going to resolve to go full time as a trans woman, or anything like that. I do need to talk to my endocrinologist this year about the possibility of increasing my Estrodial. I feel like I have hit the wall so to speak with my feminine development. None of that happens until April. 

At this point in time, I need to figure out what I am going to wear. We are actually going to two or three places (time permitting). All are upscale casual, so I'm not expecting to have to really dress up. Probably, I will opt out for some sort of combination of new boots, leggings and sweater.

We plan on using the Uber taxi system to get downtown, then use the streetcar to get around from there.

All in all, I'm hoping for a great time!

Transgender Sexuality

When we transition from male to female, naturally enough, the world is driven to it's own conclusions over our sexuality.

If and when, I am given the chance, I love to insert my well worn phrase "Sex is between the legs, Gender is between the ears. I started to think about all of this again recently because of two recent happenings...one of which I wrote about here in Cyrsti's Condo, during the "Space Invader" post.

Very simply, the post was about another woman who wouldn't leave me alone. I don't like it when I am needlessly poked or prodded. Now, I'm not saying the whole thing was anything sexual but then again, I don't know. I am aware too, women are allowed to touch each other when men normally never do. One way or another, the advances were not liked or returned.

Of course too, we transgender women have the stigma of being promiscuous. Which comes from drag queens and fetish cross dressers.  I think if I see one more 50 ish crossdresser poured into a plaid mini skirt on other social media, I am going to scream.

Then again, going back to the original point, Connie has another idea:

"I dislike being nudged and poked, too. A gentle touch on the arm or hand is fine, as I enjoy platonic intimacy. Unfortunately, I am not prone to being the "toucher." I have a fear of having my affections misread as being sexual, just because my trans status may be misunderstood. This applies to both men and other women. Then, again, I have misread the touching by others as being platonic, only to discover that it was sexual. I have always been a bit naive, unable to readily recognize the difference between love and lust. I blame it, mostly, on the fact that I am a trans woman; a psychiatrist may have another take on it, though.

We, as trans woman, should have the same rights as anyone else to set our own boundaries, whether they be physical or verbal. You didn't deserve to be subjected to her invasions, but I doubt she knows that now any more than she did while she was committing them. Some people are always going to act in predictable ways. We can only recognize that fact and make the choice to either put up with it or stay away. Just know that it's her and not you". 

Especially now, in the era of the "Me Too" movement, it is especially important our boundaries are respected.

Post Christmas Blues? Or Blacks?

First of all, I would like to send out my condolences to Jeni and/or any of the rest of you who had to spend Christmas by yourselves. As I wrote in yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post, it is so sad when you are separated from your family for just being yourself.

As far as my Christmas went, it turned out to be in basic black. A couple weeks ago, I happened to mention to Liz I wanted just a basic black sweater. In fact, I even bought myself one not too long ago. Well, yesterday I got two more black sweaters (of different types) as gifts. Plus, a new pair of black boots. Amazingly enough, Liz ordered them on line and they fit.  So now, I have a new sweater and boots set to wear with my paisley patterned leggings.

One way or another, I was blessed with a great Christmas and clothes to wear through the Spring.

Merry Christmas

Let's face it, the holidays are a very lonely time for many in the transgender community.

I hope you all found a home or a new home to spend time with today (Christmas).

I was fortunate. My brother and his entire family pretty much jettisoned our relationship when I came out to him as trans. To replace it though, my daughter came through with her family (plus extended family), as did Liz.

Plus, around here at least, several LGBTQ organizations have their own holiday get togethers.

One way or another, I hope this post finds you with a family this holiday!

What Do you Want for Christmas?

As we approach Christmas, on occasion my thoughts drift back to when I was a kid. As so many of us LGBTQ youth, many years all I really wanted was a doll.

In my family though, any idea of a feminine present was totally out of the question. Instead, I received what "Ralphie" wanted so badly in the classic Christmas movie "A Christmas Story." I got a BB gun.

So much for growing up in a male dominated, patriarchal family. I also remember clearly how my heart would ache whenever I would see a girl I wanted to be like.

For example, I so resented my female cousins in their velvet dresses and cream colored tights at Christmas dinners. My gift was usually football related.

Fortunately now those days are over!

Shamed?

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 21, 2018 at 2:59 PM

"I remember so well the sneaking around I did when I first ventured out of the house. I could write a parody of "A Tale of Two Cities" called "A Tale of Two Genders," based on those days: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...." That whole opening paragraph of Dickens' novel sums up the way I felt about myself. It was just a couple of months after my first outing, attending a meeting of the local cross dresser social group, that the holiday season came. I think I attended at least half-a-dozen parties and events with the group, thoroughly enjoying my newly-released feminine-self until I had to sneak back home. Then, I would feel horrible and depressed. It truly did make for a "winter of despair...."

"The shame I had felt for being a tran woman (or whatever I thought I was back then) was nothing, compared to how I felt with all of my conniving and deceit. I likened myself to an alcoholic or drug addict, feeling compelled to do what made me feel good, even at the expense of the love of family and friends. Or, alternately, I would feel as if I were cheating on my wife - with the "other woman" being myself. Even after most everyone else had figured out what I was doing, though, I continued my feeble game.

My game started to unravel completely one year later. I was performing with another trans woman at a New Year's Eve party. It was not unusual for me to be performing at a private party, so I didn't feel like I was really lying so much about what I was doing. Still, out of the guilt I felt for leaving my wife at home while I was celebrating by ringing in the new year, I called her during one of the breaks between sets. She asked, "Is everybody there all dressed up?" I knew then that she knew, just by the way she asked it. Two weeks later, she left a note on the kitchen counter that said she had left to stay with her sister, and she would stay there until I was ready to be honest.

Well, I thought, if she wanted honesty, I was going to give it to her! I called her to tell her that's what I was going to do, and she arrived home to see "the honest me" Sunday afternoon. Of course, in order to be honest with her, I had to be honest with myself. Instead of trying to wow her with my presentation, I dressed in jeans and a sweater, which is what I figured she'd be wearing. I was still not quite ready when my wife came through the door, so she sat down to watch the NFL playoff game that was on the TV. When I entered the room fifteen minutes later, I was surprised at her appearing to be showing more interest in the game than me and my "new look." In fact, I told her that we should wait until the game was over to start our talk! She agreed, and I proceeded to make nachos and a pitcher of Margaritas. All of a sudden, things seemed so normal (even if it was I who was willing to turn off the game, and not her). It was not so normal, really, but it was the beginning of normal. The elephant in the room was gone, and she was able to see me without having to look around it.

What I've learned is that one can't come out successfully until she's come clean. Honesty is really the best policy. Also, there is never a good time to be honest, but putting it off will not make it better or easier; it may well even make it worse.

This is my (Cautionary) Tale of Two Genders. "

Honesty is always the best policy, no matter how painful it is. I didn't practice what I preach though. For years I was dishonest with my deceased wife about what I was doing behind her back.  It's something I will take to my grave feeling terrible about. 

Her comment "Be man enough to become a woman" was one of the more profound phrases I have ever heard.

Space Invader

Yesterday turned out to be a busy day.

The day also wasn't particularly wonderful weather wise with a cold driving rain and winds up to 30 miles a hour. Not real good for a fashionable hair style of any kind but then again, I was facing again what any other cis woman was going through. As the day progressed, we managed to make it through a couple of packed grocery stores.

The final event of the day was going to an informal Yule social. At other socials, I became friends with a woman from Germany. We talked in depth about her homeland and my time there when I was in the Army. For some reason last night, she was rather frenetic. Not long after saying Hello, she said could she ask me a question. Normally that question is when did you know you were transgender or have you had any surgery. She asked me the "how long" question.

I answered without hesitation, most all of my life and I spent at least fifty years in denial as a cross dresser. All this time, she kept nudging me, which I have never particularly been fond of. Anymore, I almost never have to worry about it from a man but some women are just too touchy.

After the "Question and Answer"  session, she remained glued to my side and proceeded to comment on my hair which truthfully had looked better after coming in from the storm. She decided then my decision to let it grow out naturally (including the color) was a poor choice. By that time, I was tired of getting poked and comments which were none of her business, so I moved away from her. Which was tough, because we all were packed into a very small room.

As I moved away, the conversation had turned away from my hair, all the way to whose families migrated from where in the world. Since I haven't taken one of the DNA tests yet, I couldn't play with the cool kids.
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On the bright side, Liz and I made a pledge to join another man and his two daughters to head down to one of Cincinnati's German eating establishments for fun and beer. Ironically, one of the talking points was an Alaskan beer we both had discovered at our Christmas parties this week.

So, outside of the space invader's unwanted advances, I wasn't too bruised and managed to make it through the evening in one piece.