Was the Big Easy, Easy?

Image from Jade Photography 
on UnSplash

Several years ago, my wife Liz and I made the journey on a tour bus from Cincinnati to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. New Orleans is also known as the "Big Easy". 

As it turned out, the trip turned out to be anything but easy. It was a very challenging learning experience. Previously, Liz and I had gone on other bus tours with the same company which were shorter and turned out to be pleasant. The only main challenge which occurred was not being allowed to use the in bus restroom except in times of dire emergency.  Very quickly I learned the "pleasures" of standing in line with a group of other women waiting to use the bathroom. Often at a cramped state supplied roadside rest. After the first couple of times with the same women, I seemingly was accepted and allowed to do my very basic business without incident. I was relieved in more ways than the obvious.

The trip to New Orleans proved to be much longer with many more "rest stops". Again I didn't have many problems until the bus made it to the deep south and we stopped on the Mississippi/Alabama state line. As we joined the line waiting to go in, my nervousness increased. My feelings proved to be unfounded until I had to come face to face with two women after I paused to wash my hands. They took one look and me and glared and I thought here it goes. In response I smiled, dried my hands and vacated the rest room as quickly as I could. I was so scared I kept thinking a small town deep south redneck cop would be pulling the bus over looking for me. Fortunately, nothing happened and the bus then took us to the outskirts of New Orleans itself before it needed to stop for fuel. During the refueling stop again I needed to take care of business and hurriedly did it. Liz, however was behind me and took longer to get a stall, so I needed to wait alone for her. While I was waiting, I tried to waste time by looking at the truck stop tourist items like I was really going to purchase an alligator skull. My paranoia told me to keep moving as I waited for Liz and the Bus to get ready to go again. By having some sort of a purpose, I hoped to ward off any sort of unwanted advances by anyone. Which never came.

Once we arrived in the "Big Easy" the bus stopped at the big seafood restaurant with wonderful food. As I finished my meal, I excused myself and went to the restroom. While I was in there, another woman from the bus saw me and said something to the fact that I used "their" bathroom too. Since she was elderly and not overly negative, I chalked up the entire experience to education...for her. From the restaurant it was on to our fantastic hotel and the blur of an actual Mardi Gras experience,  I say blur because it is how I remember it. As a casual visitor I think being at Mardi Gras was a wonderful one time happening but a less crowded trip to New Orleans would be more enjoyable as I have been there twice now. Once as my male self.

Our trip to the actual event involved quite a bit of walking and pushing our ways through huge crowds, Plus the rest room theme raised it's potentially ugly head again as any restroom was difficult to find. We had to stop and eat off the main route to basically find a restroom to use. Before we knew it, the entire Mardi Gras experience was taken off the bucket list and we started our journey home. By this time my confidence was good and I had no more experiences to remember.   

How New Was It?

Photo from Civil War Cemetery. The
Jessie Hart Collection

 During my transgender journey, I considered each hill I climbed and every blind curve I conquered as being a new part of my life.

Looking back at it now, I wonder how new it really was. Through it all, as I learned from all the ups and downs of transitioning I was just being me. The sad part was how long it took me to arrive at the point of my life when I could put my old male self behind me and move on. It was at once so exciting yet terrifying to put all my male privileges away and explore what a feminine life had to offer.

The more I explored the world, the more I learned much of it wasn't new at all. If you are a believer in reincarnation somehow I felt I had been there before. In other words, my transition to a transgender woman felt so natural. I felt as if I should have always been living this way.  Even though I felt more and more natural, my old unwanted male self still stubbornly hung on thinking he could make a come back and reclaim my life. I even tried to live between the two main binary genders until the stress became to much to bear and I needed to make a decision. Finally I made the right decision to begin hormone replacement therapy and try to adopt a fulltime life as a transgender woman, without any of the major surgeries some trans women undergo. I just didn't feel the need to subject my body to any major gender surgeries seeing as how I was reaching my mid sixties by that time in my life. I considered myself fortunate in that my body was in good enough condition to accept the rigors of the changes I went through. 

Since my main premise through the years was gender was between the ears and sex was between the legs, I opted for more work between the ears. The final straw which broke the camels' back in my transition was when I met my wife Liz going on twelve years ago. Before I met her, I thought the chances of having anyone accept the new me would be nearly impossible. I couldn't believe it when  one day, Liz told me why didn't I just go all the way in my MtF gender transition because she didn't see any male in me at all. At that point I knew somehow I could make it another relationship with another person. Let alone another woman. The concept was very new because my previous two wives accepted the fact I was a transvestite but never adjusted to any of the concept I could be transgender. The unexpected turned into reality. 

From then on, the adjustment was immense as Liz and I needed to learn to live together as I was adjusting to living in a totally new gender. Ironically the easiest part probably was the gender adjustment I needed to make. When my feminine self was finally freed up to live out of the closet, she took to it completely and without reservations. She proved I should have been listening to her all along.  As far as my male self went, he quickly faded into the background and was rarely missed except for situations when I found myself in highly testosterone laden places such as auto shops. In those places, I learned quickly what "man-splaining" was really all about. 

It turned out, completing my gender transition wasn't new at all. I had been working my whole life to do it.

The Most Expensive Holiday

 I wish I wrote this but I didn't:

I will just also add how many transgender veterans took their deep dark gender secret to the grave with them. 

As you enjoy your cookout, just take a second to remember all who made the ultimate sacrifice to insure the fragile freedoms we enjoy. 

In It to Win...A Transgender Life

 

Self Photo from the Jessie
Hart Collection

Once I seriously started to go down the gender path to a total transgender transition, I just had to be in it to win it. 

The question remained what the process would be to win it. Along the way, I had already suffered from (and conquered) a deep sense of feeling selfish. Once I did I made it to the level of impostor syndrome. First, let's deal with all the selfishness I felt as I transitioned. Many of my feelings came from knowing I was nearly single handling wrecking a male life I didn't want anymore. Most importantly it meant destroying a twenty five year relationship I had with a woman I deeply loved but she was completely against living with another woman. I was stuck between the rock and the hard place with no where to go. Life became hell. 

Perhaps the worst part was knowing I was being selfish. Every time I withdrew into my feminine self to escape the world was time I could have spent to make the relationship stronger. Finally, I needed to realize my pursuit to my version of womanhood was selfish and had to be if I was ever going to be successful. Also I needed to define success and what it meant to me. Increasingly, what success meant to me was to feel so natural as a woman. Deep down inside, I knew I was doing the right thing, no matter how selfish it was to do it. I was certainly in it to win it.  But winning it turned out to be far from easy. To be successful, I chose what I referred to as the "stair-step" method of gender transition. Or once I had conquered one step, I could try another. The first example would be when I began to just have confidence in my appearance when I left the house. From there, my basic confidence increased and I advanced to the point where I could navigate the world fairly easily as a transgender woman. 

It was about this time when "impostor syndrome" set in for me. Here I was out in the world and all of a sudden the feeling I was some sort of a secret invader came along to ruin everything for me. To be in it to win it, something else was coming along just to be another obstacle. Finally I was able to conquer impostor syndrome by accepting the woman I was becoming was a part of me all along. I had just become a woman by taking a different path than most cis-women I knew.   Most importantly I learned I could be a winner and achieve my goal.

Ironically, all our transgender lives are so similar yet so unique. Sadly most of us go through  similar bouts of selfishness and/or impostor syndrome and we transition into our authentic gender selves. We all have to succeed in our own ways to be survivors in an ever increasing challenging world.

Creating a New Person

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

In the past I was flattered when someone told me I "made" a good woman. Of course, when I began to think about it, I didn't make anything. 

All I did do was finally allow my inner feminine soul the freedom to show herself to the outside world away from the mirror. Plus, I found she needed the time to learn the art of clothing and makeup to initially make it in the world. It wasn't easy but later, more than sooner she made it. At least according to the persons who were telling me I "made" a good woman. Then I found an entirely different spin to the "compliment". What the persons didn't add was I "made" a good looking woman...for a man. Which meant I needed to work even harder to cross the gender border. 

I discovered also I needed to keep my male self as far away as possible from the process. The primary example was how I was dressing. I found out the hard way when I dressed to please my male self in clothing which was too short or too tight to blend in with public expectations. When my woman took over, she dressed us in the more proper ways to dress and blend in with other women and my life began to change for the better. 

Little did I know the depth I would need to experience for the creation of a total feminine person to take place. The more we progressed socially, the more I found I needed to learn to adjust to this new wonderful lifestyle I was just beginning to experience. As I already suspected, cis-women operate on a much more layered existence than a man. From birthing and raising a family, all the way to being with men and holding down a job, women have much more to do in life. Of course, birthing a child was out for me but much of the remaining options were still open for me to learn. The example I write about the most was the process I needed to go through to learn one on one communication with other women. The whole process was difficult for me because I needed to essentially back off and see where the other woman was coming from. No more frontal assaults with my ideas. 

As it turned out, my dealings with men were much more limited. Very quickly I learned the new person I played a part in creating faced a whole different world when it came to men. For any number of reasons, I didn't date many men and I was for the most part terribly uneasy. I knew many of the man-centric topics they followed but didn't want to appear too well versed on subjects such as sports. I'm sure now I appeared too reticent to be a good date, so I didn't try. Fortunately, I was able to locate a group of women to socialize with. As with the rest of my life, I had always been more comfortable in the company of women anyhow. So this was just an extension of the process.

All in all, creating a new person, had very little to do with my old unwanted male self. The more I progressed in my new feminine life, the more I realized my new chosen path was the way to go. In fact, I should have chosen it sooner. Once my inner female gained control, the rest of me was able to sit back and enjoy the ride. 

Jumping Trans Barriers

Image from Shalomi Platzman 
on UnSplash 

 First of all, I never have participated in any sort of track and field events at all. So jumping anything, especially at my age is impossible. In my life, however, I have faced many invisible barriers when it came to being a transgender woman. 

The first barriers were self imposed as were many later in life. The main self imposed barrier I faced was my struggle to free myself from my mirrors who were the only way for me to reinforce my femininity. Sadly, the mirrors had a way of lying to me. No matter how I really looked, the mirror told me I was attractive. When I started to explore the world as my true gender self, I was greeted with many rude awakenings on my true appearance. Trashy, even clownish came to mind when I went out in the world. Fortunately, the negative feedback I received helped me to resolve to do better with my appearance. Slowly but surely I was able to build a small wardrobe of feminine clothes which helped to flatter what I possessed in the body department and led me to jump the barrier of being able to present properly. 

Along the way too, I developed more ways to see if I could truly overcome the barriers I was facing. One of the biggest ways I found was to go to Halloween parties in a "costume" as a woman. By doing this, I achieved a level of understanding of how I presented. Over several years of trying, I was able to make it to a level of being passable as a "professional" woman just getting off of work and attending the party. From there I was able to build a fragile confidence I could survive in the real world if I ever could pursue my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman. Then, my fragile confidence would help me to jump more of my barriers. 

Also, there were the barriers which were all fake. I found out many existed only in my mind and I was making my own life so much more difficult. I likened it to running an obstacle course in the Army when you had to make split second decisions on real or fake targets. False obstacles included me judging the acceptance or non acceptance from strangers. Those were the times I thought I had acceptance only to have a passive aggressive person stab me in the back. It was all the more difficult because I wanted so badly to be accepted in the world as a  woman when in reality all I should have been looking for was to be accepted as me. Again confidence and a new circle of women friends helped me to get over this major barrier. 

Another point I needed to consider was my choice to pursue hormone replacement therapy or HRT. In many ways, my choice was the point of no return on my journey. Once I sought out a doctor to administer the new medications (and was accepted) the changes began nearly immediately and helped me to conquer more completely the external appearance barrier. As I changed, I learned also how much the hormones would effect my overall being for the better. 

Now, at my age, I am tired of jumping  trans barriers but now have to face the number of new anti-transgender laws in the legislature. In fact, Ohio where I live is trying currently to pass a restrictive rest room bill in the state. All in all, I have resolved myself to doing the best I can and trying to always be sure I am voting for politicians who support me.  It's the least I can do.

I Was Ready to Face the World

Anniversary Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection 

It took me many, many years to finally realize I could do nothing else to prepare myself for living in the world as a full time transgender woman.

I began in essence, with a series of tests and/or challenges. Once I conquered (in my mind) the world of just going out at night when no one else was around and walking or driving around as a woman, I decided to try my feminine hand at actually shopping for my new clothes as a woman. I felt quickly accepted in this stage of my life because I didn't realize immediately store clerks mainly were interested in my money and didn't really care who or what I was. Plus, a few clerks even had enough expertise to recommend wardrobe items which were flattering to my body shape. Up to that time, I did not have the knowledge to give myself the best possible chance to present well in my new gender. 

With my new found knowledge and confidence I could make it, I expanded my small universe to the next level. The next level to me was stopping at upscale restaurants for lunch and a drink when I went out shopping. By trying this, I was able to increase my one on one time with the public. Again, I learned fairly quickly I could adjust to life, feel natural doing it and have the desire to try more and more new situations as a woman. I was fueled again by the basic confidence I could do it. In fact, confidence became my best and most important accessory. Much more important than the latest designer handbag I purchased. The only setbacks I encountered were in my communication skills. Very early on, I tried to mimic the cis-woman's voice I was talking to and go from there. I still have vocal problems for a number of reasons but was helped by going to feminine vocal therapy courses the Veteran's Administration began to offer. I still refer to my old homework to this day to do my best to find and project my feminine voice.

Once I had made it to this step, I started to challenge where I was going as a transgender woman and seeing if I could establish myself. Sometimes it worked and on other occasions, I failed miserably when I tried to force myself into venues where I was unwanted. These were the occasions when I even had the police called on me for trying to use the rest room. I learned, survived and somehow still retained the courage to move forward and explore the world. 

Through it all, I attempted to keep moving forward. After all I was learning if I could indeed attempt one of the most difficult tasks a human can do by crossing the gender frontier. I did not want to try it without exploring all my options because so much was at stake. If I was a poker player, I had to decide if I was going to throw all my life chips into the middle of the table and go for the win. 

It was around this time when I began to find good women friends who helped me with my decision. Learning feminine skills which came naturally to them became my biggest goal. Finally I went to their finishing school, graduated and was able to face the world as a full time transgender woman and most importantly never look back to my stressful unwanted male life.  

Tomorrow Is Dental Day

All Smiles from the Jessie 
Hart Collection

Tomorrow is one of the days I have to go in for a dental cleaning appointment. For better or for worse, I have been going to the same dental office for several years now. When I filled out all the information I needed to provide for the dental profile, I was impressed with the amount of the gender information they required ,meaning they even had a category for transgender women and how you preferred to be addressed.  Of course, all of that is well and good but seeing it in action is another.  

The good part is from day one nearly everyone in the office has been gender affirming to me. In fact I was surprised when immediately everyone used the "she" pro-nouns with me. Since my teeth were not in the best condition, I appreciated any positive feelings I could get. Following losing my upper teeth and getting fitted for upper dentures, I resolved to take the best care that I could to my bottom teeth. Twice a day, without fail, I brush with a powered tooth brush, rinse and floss.  So, if I don't have a good appointment tomorrow, I will be disappointed. 

By this time, you are probably thinking what does any of this have to do with being transgender.  Quite a bit actually. Back in the day before I took the expensive and drastic step to have my missing and jagged upper teeth replaced, I was afraid to smile. In the process, I came off as unfriendly or worse yet a bi-ch. It turned out by not being able to smile, people came out thinking the worse of me. I needed to have new teeth to improve my appearance and personality. Plus, it turned out timing was everything because shortly after I improved my smile, my new glasses came from the Veteran's Administration. I was able to upgrade my appearance quickly. 

The only problem I have with my dental day tomorrow is how much I will have to pay. I have a basic dental insurance I buy myself which covers part of my visit. So, depending upon what the insurance covers I have to pay the rest. Even though I have been putting money back for the visit, I am on Social Security. I have written recently how much anxiety I have over the possible federal government default which is coming quickly. For those of you who don't know my checks which I paid into during my entire working life could be postponed. However, instead of re-scheduling my appointment,  I decided to go ahead and possibly spend money I don't really have. 

The nice part about going tomorrow is the money should be the worst part. Maybe it is the future of dentistry as it stands now.  

Coffee Shop Nights

Image from Jon Tyson
on UnSplash

 I am a big fan of mentioning how I managed to go through several layers of gender transition once I seriously decided to leave my male life behind.

Once I decided I was comfortable in my own skin as a transgender woman, I needed to branch out and see if I could establish myself in other circles as a feminine person. I was fortunate in that I had Liz to partially lead the way. What happened was, we joined certain groups through a Cincinnati social app which matched like minded individuals. One that really stands out was a group interested in others with creative pursuits. The people included everyone from Poets and writers, all the way to crafters. Even though I had never knitted a day in my life, I accompanied Liz (who does) to knitting groups. I made up for my ignorance by enjoying a good cup of coffee in the shop where we met. 

There were other coffee shops where we met to as the creative group. One in particular was a wonderful old shop which fit our ideas completely. The company was good and the ideas flowed. Most of all, I appreciated I was treated as a person, transgender or not. The entire process was a real step forward in my coming out process. First I had successfully released myself from my closet, started hormone replacement therapy and started a new life. And, secondly now I had the chance to successfully live it with others who up to that time were strangers. The coffee shop nights were exciting and fun in the new world which was opening to me. If you are just emerging from your closet and live in a larger populated area, seeking out group apps with people of similar interests to yours can sometimes be a real aide in your gender transition. 

Sadly, not all the groups we sought out as a couple (Liz and I) were so accepting. One in particular is vivid in my mind to this day. The group was a lesbian social group. Since Liz identifies as a lesbian, she always was a part of the group and tried to bring me in also. I tried and was roundly rejected. I was surprised in that in the past I had lesbian friends and were basically always accepted in their circles. But on this occasion I wasn't and Liz left the group. 

Back on the positive side of the ledger, Liz was also Wiccan and wanted to involve me in her circle of friends also. I was accepted into her circle with no questions asked and new social interactions were established. Again it is important to note how valuable all of these functions helped me to develop my new woman into a more well rounded person. I had managed to come a long way from my singular days in the mirror. 

Socializing with new people over a good cup of coffee helped me to come out of my shell and interact with the world again. Living an existence I never thought possible.