Time Flies

Liz and I on New Years Eve

 Unfortunately for her, one of my Mom's well worn comments I never forgot  when she caught me wishing time away went something like this, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you come to the end, the faster it goes." 

The idea of Mom's is certainly coming true for me. An example is coming up tomorrow when Liz and I go down to the courthouse to secure our marriage license. It seems not so long ago the need to go was still weeks away. Before I know it, October 16th will be here and we will be married by our officiant Josh. For all of you who may wonder what an "officiant" is, Liz and I have not decided to be married by a minister/priest in a church. Josh is recognized by the state to do weddings and file the proper paperwork. He is also the leader of Liz's coven she is part of, so we will be in good hands. 

Hopefully, since we will be in an outdoor shelter hosue, the weather will cooperate also. 

Of course, this upcoming wedding is just one example of something either I never thought would happen or would be so far into my future I wouldn't have to worry about it for awhile. The older we get, the more time becomes compressed and moves along with more purpose. Perhaps it is why we think time is flying faster than before. Also when we were younger, you had time to overcome mistakes such as gender related issues. In all too many instances (such as my own) families need to be replaced and new friends secured. 

I was so old when I transitioned (60) I was certain a new life as a transgender woman was going to be a very solitary experience. One I was prepared to make even though I was still trying to meet others on line and in the very few venues I went to. Against all odds, Liz responded to an on-line search for that special someone. Impossibly I couldn't believe it was happening to me. 

Most of you know the rest of the story, in under a month I will be seventy three and shortly after that I will be into my third marriage. My first marriage ended fairly well and she knew the entire time I was a cross dresser. Most importantly my first wife was the mother of my only child, a daughter. The best gift ever. My second wife who also had no problems with my cross dressing always drew the line at any ideas of me having a transgender future passed away unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. No way possible did I ever think there would be a Mrs. Hart that  she would be me. 

Time does really fly by as the roll of toilet paper moves faster and faster.  

More Planning

 

Photo Courtesy Connie Malone

This comment comes from Connie concerning a recent post I wrote about actually planning your gender transition:

"I dare say that the attempted balance of a male/female existence requires much more planning than does the actual transitioning process. Of course, by planning, I mean the controlling, conniving and deceptive behavior necessary to make time for expressing one's desired gender.

For a while, before I made the move to transition, I wondered if my gender dysphoria might only be an addiction, not unlike other addictions such as alcohol, drugs, or gambling. My behavior certainly matched, point by point, the lists that describe an addict, with planning my life choices around the perceived addiction, itself, being the overwhelming destructive force.

Compartmentalization of the two binary gender expressions seems to be attainable by some, but not by me. I really did try to make it work, though, for many years. It requires much control to do so (or so I thought for myself), and I eventually gave way to the weakness (my perceived addiction) that took things out of control. This is why I say that although I will never apologize to anyone for being a transgender woman, I must beg for forgiveness for the things I did and didn't do in order to feed the perceived addiction.

In retrospect, I can say that my addiction was not to my gender identity or dysphoria, but it was to the destructive behavior, itself. My plans were obviously misdirected. As Yogi Berra once said, “If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else.”

Is that like saying "No matter where you go, there you are?"

Thanks for the comment!

Gender Hack

 

Photo by Nahel Abdul Hadi on Unsplash

Since I have spent the majority of my morning fixing my bank account following a hackers damage, I thought perhaps a post would be relevant. The more I worked on stopping the damage it seemed the more I discovered I had to do.

Not unlike when I made the slow decision I was gender dysphoric. One of the big problems was the word I think had not even been invented or if it was I didn't have access to it during the pre-internet era. I can only remember vividly something was terribly wrong and why was I one of the few boys in the world who wanted to be a girl. I barely knew what a transvestite or cross dresser was. 

One of the problems I had was I  mistakenly thought girls had it so much easier than boys. They were the gender who were allowed to wear the pretty clothes and seemingly didn't have the pressure to compete for things like grades and sports. The entire idea was cruel and unusual punishment as I had to sneak behind my families back to wear my small collection of female clothes. Why couldn't I just be like all the other boys in the neighborhood and forget about the insanity of wanting to be a girl. 

It wasn't to be and my gender was hacked. I was hopelessly locked in to desiring to be the other gender. Why couldn't I be the young girl with all the dark hair I saw on vacation one year or be the girl I always sat across from in study hall or home room. 

Perhaps the worst part of the hack was how difficult it was to negotiate getting rid of it. Sadly, it wasn't until much later in life when I finally learned I couldn't get rid of it. Somehow, someway the hack was installed at birth and I didn't have a choice. In fact, the hack turned out to be just the opposite of what I always grew up thinking it was. All the time I was looking in the mirror dreaming to be feminine, I spent more time in public struggling to be masculine. 

I was fortunate in the fact I found a whole new set of friends who didn't believe I was hacked at all and was just living my gender truth as a transgender woman. I have mentioned several of them in recent posts. Essentially they saw through the gender maze I was attempting to negotiate and helped to bring me out the other side. 

I found out the hard way that women do not have it easier than men and lead very complex and layered lives. So much more than being able to have pretty clothes and spend hours on your makeup. Even though on occasion it is fun to do. 

One thing being transgender teaches you is to roll with the punches. So I'm sure I will continue to exist until the next pain in the rear comes along. After all what can they do? Laugh at me or make fun of me behind my back? Been there, done it. 

Hopefully I won't have to be hacked again to realize how good I really have it.

A Plan?

 

Photo Courtesy 
Jessie Hart

As you followed the long and winding path towards living as your authentic self, did you have a plan? Looking back, I think my plan was relying on luck more than anything else. 

Having said that, I did at one point a plan to try to visit different places when I was cross dressed as a woman. For example, when malls and clothing stores became too easy, I began to choose other places such as stopping to eat all the way to seeing how I presented at the big male dominated home improvement stores. 

What I didn't plan on happening was how fast the public remembered me if I saw them more than a couple times. I didn't plan on becoming that close to anyone that I happened to start to know. All of those life events destroyed any possible idea of a detailed orderly plan during my transition.

Along the way, any idea of having a plan went out the window. Changes came fast and furious. So fast I had a difficult time keeping up. Times became so rough, I think the hardest years of my life came when I was trying to live part time in both of the binary genders, male and female. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Life became so complicated, I had to make a conscious decision on which gender I would be that day. How I walked, how I talked and the rest. An example of the difficult time I was having was the evening I went to see the amazing Christmas lights at nearby Clifton Mills, an event I could leave the car in my boots, leggings and sweater and mingle with the public. Even stopping to order a hot chocolate. A first at the time, actually stepping up and dealing with the public one on one. The best part was no one gave me a second glance.

What made it worse, I was still married to a disproving wife who was due home at anytime and the next morning I had to be back at work crossdressing as a man. The stress became nearly unbearable and I had no plan to deal with it. 

Finally the universe came together and I was able to fully transition to my authentic feminine self. Then I had to make the most dramatic plans at all, to live my life full time as a transgender woman and begin hormone replacement therapy. Following those decisions, I had to plan how to legally change my name and gender on all the documents I could. Including the Veterans Administration which handles my health care.

Now of course, we are planning a very low key but legal wedding in October. We are going downtown to the courthouse next week to get the paperwork filed. We have the shelter house reserved in a nearby park as well as the officiant for the ceremony. So plans are coming together. 

A Vacuum?

 

Photo by Lukas ter Poorten on Unsplash

Nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter how hard you try, there are always outside influences which effect the outcome of what we want to happen. 

This is especially true for transgender women and trans men. During our gender transitions we rely on others on occasion to show us the way. Recently, I have mentioned cis women such as Liz, Kim, my daughter and Min who provided guidance or even a shove to get me moving in the right direction. Liz in particular told me she didn't see any male in me at all, my daughter took me to her hair salon and Kim took me to a professional football game. All were totally instrumental in me becoming a full time out transgender woman.

Ironically, early in my transition I didn't believe in needing a cis woman to assist in furthering my own gender trip across the frontier. I went back to my much anticipated visit with my fiancé when she would completely dress me head to toe as a woman. Even though it was a thrilling day, deep down I wasn't impressed that much with the results. As far as the makeup went, by that time I had plenty of time to practice on my own over the years. Her improvement just wasn't that noticeable. As far as the clothes went, I picked out the outfit myself. I should have known she wouldn't do that good because she is the one who wanted me to say I was gay to dodge the draft. When I wouldn't she dumped me which turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me in my life. Nothing happens in a vacuum for sure.

Vacuums however are funny creatures. Without the women I mentioned above, there would have been no way I would have developed the confidence to go public and learn how to communicate with other women. I consider communication the most important hurdle I had to cross when I MtF gender transitioned. I say that because appearance wise I had reached a point where I didn't have much of a problem with the public but building a new life as my feminine self was something totally different. I needed to build a new person from the ground up plus I was in a vacuum on how to do it. 

Slowly but surely and again with the help of friends, I managed to find a place in the girls sandbox and after a few mishaps, survive. I made the mistake of trusting smiling faces who were holding knives behind their backs. I think when I surrounded myself with cis women friends, negative people couldn't get to me. Expanding on the vacuum theme a bit, essentially I expanded my vacuum to survive and thrive as a new person.  

I may be age biased but I believe older transgender women have a more difficult time coming out of their vacuums. Many lose family and friends and find it difficult to restart their lives. Many are content to let their lives play out as I was until Liz came along and changed everything. She found me in an on line dating group. Proving once again how wrong a vacuum can be.

Before a Girls Night Out

 

Min on right during Halloween party

As I reread yesterdays' post about my daughter's birthday, I remembered one person who helped me on my journey as a novice transgender woman so much who I rarely if ever mention. 

Her name is "Min" and she accepted me from the beginning as a friend. In fact, she used to invite me over to her house for coffee once a week if I could make it. 

She included me so completely that there was a group of approximately five other woman (including Liz) I became close with.

One of the events we went to was a small Halloween party in suburban Cincinnati which I still have a picture of. As you can see, I brought out the big hair for the evening. One of the rare chances I had to wear it.

It was quite the experience. Not from a Halloween party so much as other happenings. By this time I was an experienced "pro" at Halloween so I was just trying to present as a cis woman dressed for success. I know you would be thinking business chic if I wanted success, I would have to try to out sparkle a couple other women in the group. I have another picture to share of me and another woman who went who is nearly my size I will share before Halloween.

Perhaps the special moment of kindness Min shared with me occurred when I had to go to the ladies room. The venue where the party was being held wasn't the most upscale one in the world so I was afraid of going by myself. Plus I was still fairly new at being out of my gender closet at the time. My solution was to gather my courage and ask Min to go with me. Thankfully without saying a word she helped me find the correct bathroom and helped me . After all that beer, I was desperate!

Min was also instrumental in many other occasions when I was included for the first time in my life in the company of women only. The whole process meant so much to me and aided my progress as a transgender woman. More on that later.  

Girl's Night Out

My daughter on the right with Liz and I

It's my daughter's birthday today and I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" and look back. 

Before I came out as transgender to her, I had hoped she was raised right and would have no problem accepting her new "parent." 

I was correct in all my assumptions and I "passed" my first test on coming out to the family and the public. 

Once she found out, she proceeded to help me out of my male self and make it into the world as a novice transgender woman. 

One of the ventures she quickly planned for me was a trip with her and approximately six other of her woman friends to a local huge drag show. The Rubi Girls in Dayton, Ohio over the years is a drag troupe which has raised over a million dollars for various LGBTQ causes. They put on a tremendous show. But, I had to get there first. Before hand, my daughter warned me about a couple of the others going who may not be so approving of me. So I pretty much tried to stay low key and blend in. 

For the most part I think I managed to hide my fears and only speak when spoken to. It was quite the experience. The show was entertaining and fun. Too this day, I don't know if my daughter received any negative feedback for my presence. Some day I will have to ask her, if she still remembers. 

Another day out with my daughter which I have mentioned many times was the occasion when she took me to my first visit to a woman's upscale hair salon. My hair was rapidly growing and I guess she thought it needed personal professional attention. The first first turned out to be one of those terrifying yet exciting times of my life. As it turned out my stylist was clear in the back of the room so I had to walk past a seemingly endless row of women in various stages of hair repair. Even though I was so scared, I wondered how I had went this long in my life without experiencing such an estrogen dominate experience, I couldn't wait to do it again which I did until the finances got the best of me and I moved away. 

As you can tell, my daughter did buy in one hundred per cent to me living as my authentic self plus she helped to insure I was accepted by her in laws also as well as her three kids. She means the world to me and laid the groundwork for many other "girls nights out" to come. I learned a lot.

Mentors

Myself on left with Nikki and Kim

As I was looking back through a few of my numerous older posts, I found this one which was originally was posted near my birthday in October of last year. The topic was transgender mentors:

" Referring back to a Cyrsti's Condo post concerning several cis women friends I had when I first was learning to play in the women's sandbox, the term "mentors" came up. 

As I thought about it, I became aware mentors could be a very vague term. For example, many could consider a mentor who aides you with your appearance, make up and clothes. 

As you can tell by the photo , my friends did not emphasize much make up at all. I was the only one who did and I did it all myself.

Of course by that time, I had years of practice. 

What my cis friends did teach me was how to value my self as a transgender woman.  Since they both were lesbians, I learned  I did not need a man to validate me as a woman. 

This picture pre dates my relationship with my current partner Liz, so by the time I met her I had a clearer idea of who I was and how I fit in in a feminine world. 

My advice is to be your own mentor. Practice makes perfect as far as your appearance goes. Plus, once you make your way past the appearance phase, the real work begins. Learning to rebuild your personality away from when you tried and failed to live as a guy is a major task. One example is communicating  woman  to woman and dressing to blend. I learned the hard way not totally accept the compliment of looking great. Great for what? A man cross dressed as a woman? 

Granted, finding a mentor of any form is rough. I was just fortunate when I threw caution to the wind and put myself out in the world.  When you find a mentor of any sort, put your old male ego aside and learn all you can."

I met Kim through her daughter who was a bartender at one of the big sports bars I was going to. It was her suggestion her Mom and I got together for a drink. Nikki was much different in that one night in the same sports bar, she came in for a pick up order and ended up sending me a message down the bar. The whole process just proved to me how successful I had a chance ot being in public if I made the effort to put myself out in the feminine public, no matter how scary it was. I do know perhaps especially in todays world caution is to be used when escaping your gender closet. This is one time your presentation needs to be on point to prevent problems. 

Once I had my mentors and became a part of a small group, life as a transgender woman became so much easier and most of all...fun.  

New Seasons

 Even though it is still fairly hot and humid here in Ohio, the calendar has turned over into September. Unless climate change has completely destroyed what to expect, we should have another month of summer like weather to go.

Jessie with Brutus Buckeye

One thing that climate change can't disrupt is the beginning of football season. Football is one of my favorite fall happenings for many reasons.

As a cross dressing man, football was the only sport I was remotely good at. Thus, I have a little inside knowledge of the sport and remember vividly when I was hit so hard by a pulling offensive lineman, I thought right there I was correct about wanting to be a cheerleader instead. Even though I couldn't play at a high level I still maintained a love for the sport. Plus, as I have written before, liking sports hid my greater desire to lead a feminine existence 

As I transitioned into my authentic self as a full time transgender woman, my love of sports became a problem. After all the stereotypical woman didn't spend a lot of time or energy involving herself in the world of sports. I remember stressing on what I was going to do. Give up my love of sports for my love of being a transgender woman. 

With a little help I made the right decision. I was able to look at my wife as an example who was nearly as big a fan as I was and we went to many sporting events together. In fact, I can only think of a few times I went to an Ohio State game without her. Drawing on her as well as a few new female friends I had made as my new self, I was able to continue that part of my life I loved so much without any interruptions I used to plan days off around big games and wear my best makeup along with my favorite team (Ohio State/Cincinnati Bengals) and go to one of the big sports bars I was a regular in to watch the game. Ironically I had to play down my knowledge of the game around certain men I met.

Later the process and friendship evolved to a point when I was invited to a real live NFL/Monday Night football game Thanks to Kim even though she knew I was going to lose. Even though I took the loss in stride, I was the real winner. I went to a stadium full of people as a transgender woman! What a thrill as I look back at it. And, terrifying at the time.

I wrote this post today because tonight is the huge The Ohio State Buckeye versus Notre Dame football game in Columbus, Ohio at the Horseshoe Stadium. It should be a classic. Regardless, fall brings along other notable happenings such as the changing of the leaves, leggings, boots and sweaters and of course Halloween, Which I will have my yearly series of posts explaining all the fun and games.

In the meantime "GO BUCKEYES"