The Power of Passing

 I know many of you follow Stana's Femulate Blog as I do. If you do, I am sure you saw the series of responses from readers to Stana's question concerning the time or times they have "passed" as a cis woman even though they were transgender or a cross dresser. I read the experiences with great interest but decided not to add my own oft repeated occasion when I went to a transvestite mixer and was nearly turned away for being a "real" woman. 

Ironically then I read a lengthy and in-depth insight into passing written by Phaylen Fairchild on "Medium". 

"Let’s call “Passing” what it really is: The desire to meet the standard of an external social gaze. The privilege of blending in with the rest of society as a “norm” rather than stand out as an “other.” I am not sure why no one has told these incredible people why standing out is far more powerful than falling into formation to satisfy the often unreasonable definitions of femininity and masculinity as if they have firm definitions… they don’t. I know many women with masculine traits, wide shoulders for example, arms with ample hair, some stand over six feet tall or are mistaken for a man on the telephone because their voice is not received as explicitly female. There are men with small waists, even proud busts that make small-breasted women jealous. Some have soft features or mannerisms that have been classified as traditionally feminine. That fact is, while masculinity and femininity are identifiable characteristics, they are not and never have been exclusive to men or women, transgender or not."

She goes on to say: 

" The demand we place on ourselves to satisfy the external gaze becomes nearly excessive, thus, self destructive. What does the perfect woman look like? How does she sound? The ideal man?"

You can follow this link to read more but in the meantime, I think Phaylen's next post should be based on "passing privileges'" which she seems to have from her picture above. 

I know in the all so brief fleeting moments when I have completely passed, I could only describe the time as wonderfully liberating. To the point in which I immediately wondered if it happened at all. 

Once the Genie is Out of the Bottle

I used to equate the adventures I went through as I began my feminine lifestyle as sliding down a very slippery slope towards a very steep cliff. Later on, I began to think of it as letting the Genie out of the bottle.

A few experiences were very positive and reassuring such as being turned away at the door at a transvestite "mixer" because I was a real woman all the way to being laughed at and scorned in a couple different venues I frequented.  Through it all I had a tendency to resolve I was doing the best I could to cross a very difficult gender frontier. As a guy, I did my very best to cover up any feminine tendencies I had. Needless to say, once the Genie was released, the gender dysphoria was unbearable. 

The picture above is with two of my friends who made my journey smoother. They embraced who I was and never interacted with the old male me. You might say they saw the Genie appear and approved.

Even with their help, life was still difficult. I was still recoiling from the loss of my wife and other close friends. My business was gone too and the only reality I thought I could cling to was the fact I wanted to transform myself to a transgender woman. 

Very quickly I found I could and didn't want to go back.  

All of this occurred before I even met Liz which would have been approximately ten years ago. She too, fully embraced me as a woman and I started HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy) By this time, the genie was fully out of the bottle and there would be no turning back.

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A Caricature?

 From disabled transgender poet Torrin A Greathouse:

"If we're not feminine enough, that is a failure. But if trans women are too feminine, that is also seen as a flaw. It is seen as a caricature of womanhood."

Where does that statement leave you? For me, it brings back memories of obsessing over every aspect of my feminine presentation. In fact, I have often written about the differences between my early posts here in Cyrsti's Condo as compared to my current offerings. Nearly all of the decade old posts have a definite  bias on every aspect of what I was wearing.  Perhaps I was presenting as too feminine and maybe I was a caricature myself. 

Of course time changes all of us and I was changed by the cis women I interacted with.  They brought a different feel to their femininity and one I happened to identify with.  All of a sudden finding exactly the correct accessory to wear when I met them wasn't the priority, communicating with them and the world became a real goal. I guess you could call it acceptance over accessories. Through it all, I was able to observe how they interacted with the world and my small tight-knit circle of friends ushered in my unique personal womanhood. 

In other words, I was able to escape the "caricature" mold Greathouse writes about by capturing what being a woman meant to me. Obviously there were surprises along the way. 

Overall though, I changed and was able to finally thrive. In no small deal thanks to all of them. 

They showed me the way out of the clothes into the real world and gave me confidence to live the life I had always dreamed of living. 

If you would want to read more of the "NPR" post with Torrin Greathouse, follow the link above. 

Warmth!

For those of you in cold climates, this picture of transgender woman, Melonee Malone should warm you up! 

2020...It is What it Was

 As we conclude the year 2020, it's easy to remember all the negatives. Primarily all the lives which were affected by the virus. Either by death or lingering physical effects. 

Other negatives seemed to be extra tough on those of us who deal with gender dysphoria. All of a sudden we were forced back into our closets from a overabundance of fear. The only socially redeeming value was the mask we hid behind and the socially distanced space we were encouraged to keep helped us all to present more effectively to a questioning world. Even the most innocent dinners out I enjoyed so much turned into an increasingly scary experience. During the year, I learned the hard way how I relied on gender feedback from the public to justify my gender feelings.  

Through it all, there still were positives. One of which of course was Benedict Donald losing the election. Donnie it seemed was totally for taking all rights away from the transgender population, even to the point of erasing us. Hopefully we will see President Elect Biden reverse rumps terrible transgender military ban quickly. At the least, there is hope for the New Year. 

Then there is the vaccine. I know it is not an immediate cure all to the pandemic but again it is a positive place to start. 

Similar to so many others, I have put together a few New Years' resolutions for 2021. Among other things I plan on returning to my meditation, writing more and trying to schedule at least one time a month when Liz and I can safely venture out of the house. In fact, we have already reserved two spots for a socially distanced paranormal adventure at a haunted opera house in Kentucky in January. After all, we don't want to pass along the virus to the ghosts :).  

Most of all, I would like to say Thank You to all of you who stopped by Cyrsti's Condo in 2020. Your input and visits make it all worthwhile.

Have a happy and productive 2021! Cheers!!!

Women in the Band

Recently, I wrote a post spotlighting a punk rock musician (Laura Jane Grace) who made the transgender transition to a woman in the middle of her career.

Perhaps you may remember, one of the all time Cyrsti's Condo regulars, Connie (below)

is also a musician as well as Paula in Great Britain. 

Connie sent in this comment concerning her interaction with her fellow musicians:

"Punk fans would, most likely, be more accepting than would, say, Country music fans to see a musician make an mtf transition. One of the things that held me back from transitioning was my music. Not that I had "made it", at all, but it was a big deal for me to make the change from a front man to a front woman. Even though the band's bookings became more plentiful with me as a woman, the guys in the band felt we'd become more of a novelty act.

 I was told that I needed to make up my mind which gender I was going to perform as. It was not difficult for me to make the decision, as my transition was already in motion. It wasn't the first time, nor was it the last, that a woman broke up a band. I just did it a little differently. ;-)"

My only question was did you have to give up your music before the pandemic took it away anyhow?

Laverne Cox Celebrates the Holidays

 Perhaps you have seen the gorgeous Laverne Cox in the "Smirnoff Vodka" holiday advertising campaign.

If you haven't, here is a look:

Combatting Transphobia

 Recently, I was following the lives of some of the Facebook friends I actually know fairly well. 

One of which, I was fortunate to have met during the very beginning of her transgender transition. As with most of us, she has gone through the peaks and valleys of a Mtf gender transition.  She was obviously in a valley as she described a transphobic someone not in total acceptance of her being transgender and a woman for the rest of her life.

Here is what my partner Liz wrote: "Most people say things like this out of fear. They are either afraid of something that they know nothing about, or they are afraid of something they fear in themselves. When people react in anger towards others that they don't understand, it is usually because they fear something in themselves that they refuse to face. You are beautiful, and I am proud of you for finally living as your true self. 

Something that I tell Cyrsti all the time, is you have to realize how amazing you are. You have completely changed who you are! You have completely reinvented yourself into who you are in your heart and soul. How many people can do that? Very few! I am always so proud and in awe of all Transgender humans, people, because of your depth of heart and soul to live as your authentic selves. You are all very special, very magical beings. Those ignorant people could not even begin to understand how special you all are. None of those fools would have the courage or tenacity to completely transform themselves. They walk blindly through life not wanting to see the real world around them. Just think of how sad their lives must be. Believe in yourself! You are more beautiful and courageous than all of those ignorant idiots. Don't waste your time on them, they aren't worth it. Just believe in yourself and know how special you are! Hugs!" 

I am so fortunate to have Liz in my life!

On the Hunt

 While transgender woman Hunter Schafer's only acting credit to date is on the HBO series Euphoria, it's an important one. The character has been praised for being one of the few transgender actors on television to not be depicted as struggling with their identity. Her role showed that a trans person can be seen simply as a person on a show – being trans doesn't have to define them.

Schafer has modeled as well for a number of top brands, from Dior to Calvin Klein and Vera Wang, and continues her work as an activist for the LGBTQ+ community,