Transgender Lesson Learned

As I go back through the ideas I have compiled for another book, I find myself living too far in the past.

My noggin tends to remember the good times and forget the bad ones. For instance, there was the rime I went to an urban downtown festival in Dayton, Ohio. I searched and found a post about it years ago here in the Cyrsti's Condo blog. It has always been interesting to me how in depth I went into what I wore. I mentioned the silky tank top I tried along with my favorite pair of distressed jeans. I even wrote about showing off "the girls" which back in those days were silicone breast forms. Not that there is anything wrong with that!

What I didn't get into was how lonely I felt. Even though I made sure I went out to my favorite venues afterwards, I remember the distinct feeling of being envious concerning all the couples I saw. During this time period I was still a year or so away from finding others I could socialize with. The lesson I learned was to keep trying and try to stay public hoping someone would find me...as they eventually did.

It was tough to keep looking forward and not back at my numerous failures. Especially the guys I met on line who "couldn't wait" to meet me. Then stood me up.

Ironically, I learned the looking forward lesson when I was in the Army. In the final weeks of basic training we were on a very long forced march in the winter hills of Ft. Knox, Kentucky. I remember distinctly having a brief moment of feeling sorry for myself as I looked up the rather intimidating hill we were on. It lasted until I happened to look back and see how far we had come. From that point forward in the life, I tried to remember that lesson.

I can't tell you how many times I applied the lesson to my Mtf gender transition. Little did the Army know they were helping me learn a valuable transgender lesson. Never despair where you are. Just look at how far you have come!

Trace Lysette

An Ohio native and mother of the ballroom scene's renowned house of Mizrahi, Trace Lysette is rising from her Midwestern background and career in the underground into a household name. Lysette appeared in Law & Order: Special Crimes Unit in 2013, but her star truly rose as Shea on Amazon’s Transparent. What was meant to be a guest appearance grew into a recurring guest role, thanks in no small part to Lysette’s undeniable talent on-screen.

Summer Time Dreams

As I said yesterday in my Cyrsti's Condo post, the drab and dreary days of January and February bring back memories of summers gone by.

Honoring Martin Luther King Jr.

More than ever, we need his messages to resound with us.

Colder Than?

It's downright cold here in Southwestern Ohio. Yesterday and today, wind chill temperatures went down as low as the single digits (Fahrenheit).

Of course, as luck would have it, Liz and I had plenty of errands to run yesterday. Getting bundled up for the adventure reminded me of Ralphie's younger brother in the holiday classic movie "A Christmas Story." If you are not aware, his mother dressed him so warmly, he looked like the "Michelin Man."

For the weather and cold, I pulled out my heavy duty tan and brown 3/4 length fringed sweater coat and added a warm hand knitted cowl to keep my neck warm. Liz's son referred to me as a character from "Game of Thrones." No matter, I figured it was a popular series and I just wanted to stay warm.

We needed to make three stops yesterday. The places we shopped were for food and medications so there was no lingering over any fashion needs. By this point in the season anyhow, I'm starting to reassess my Spring wardrobe. I did buy refills on my daily moisturizer, skin deep cleaning wipes and foundation.

For some reason, my gender confidence level was at a recent all time high. You might say I was out and proud. Of course it's so very rare anymore I get any negative reactions, I don't expect anything else. So the afternoon of errands was over fairly quickly and we made it home to warm up with a big bowl of Liz's home made chili.

A good cold day, ended up a warm cozy one.

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

From Kira Moore's Closet a Wordpress blog I follow:

To Be or Not to Be

Don't worry, this post won't be influenced by Shakespeare and you are not back in high school literature class. In this case, the popular phrase involves coming out as stealth.

Wait? Can you come out as stealth? Isn't that a "Catch 22?" It is but it isn't.

When and if you are in the position to live "stealth" as a transgender woman, should you do it? Remember "back in the day" stealth was the only way to go once you had gone through genital realignment surgery. You were expected to move away and start your life all over again. In many ways, the whole process ignored the basic premise that sex is between the legs and gender is between the ears. I am a prime example. While it is true I have been living full time as a woman for years now, I have no desire to have any invasive surgery.

Now I find myself again  at the crossroads of going stealth...or not. It would actually be a fairly easy decision. The cross dresser - transgender support group I am loosely involved with is increasingly imploding. As a result of a high drama split up, we now have two similar but separate groups. The most recent example of the in fighting was the Thursday night social Liz and I went to. Before the split up we could expect approximately twelve to fifteen diverse individuals. Since the other group decided to have a social the same night, they had ten attendees while we had seven.

So now I am encountering the same small group of people I actually have very little in common with. The only reason I started going was because of the chance to meet new and interesting people. Thursday night the most interesting person I met was a cis woman who was entranced with me enough to smile and say hello. Any number of factors could have been in play. Probably she knew I was trans and her and her feminine friend approved. Or they could have been lesbians too and saw Liz and I holding hands. Then again, maybe she was just laughing at me. Which didn't seem to be the case.

The main force behind me not just saying to hell with it all, is my underlying desire to help anyone who needs it who may find themselves on the same path as me. Plus now I need to see how my upcoming meeting concerning LGBTQ aging issues goes.

If the past is any indication, I probably will continue to not to be...stealth.

A Life with Therapy

Out of the clear blue sky, I was contacted the other day by a person in Dayton, Ohio who wanted me to be involved in some way with their LGBTQ elderly health initiative. On the negative side, the trip from Cincinnati is nearly an hour and a half (one way) but on the positive side, I could do it on the days I see my therapist in Dayton which I am done with at 11 in the morning. Which would give me plenty of time to have a meeting over coffee. It will be interesting what if anything comes of it.

Now, back to my therapist. As I was writing a chapter in my book about therapy, I began to think of all the therapists I have had in my life.

Interestingly, it was the first real gender therapist I went to who diagnosed me as being bi-polar. She correctly told me the bi-polar disorder could be controlled with medication but the gender issue I was suffering from couldn't. Somehow I would have to come to grips with it and do the best I could.

Unlike the two therapists who came before her, she tried at least to do her job. And, explain what she was doing. The others simply tried to medicate me for anxiety. Then again, back in the day, not much was known about the treatment for bi-polar disorder. At least the recommended treatment wasn't a lobotomy.

When I didn't have any insurance for awhile and was feeling very bad, a friend of mine who also was a veteran suggested I go to the Veterans Administration for help. It was there, nearly ten years ago I was set up with my current therapist. With the turn over at the VA it's hard to believe it's been that long.

Lessons I have learned along the way also are, you only get out of therapy what you put into it. A therapist is not a miracle worker. Also, don't give up if you go to a therapist you don't particularly like. One size does not fit all as far as therapists are concerned. Plus, more and more these days you have a better chance of finding gender help from someone who at the least has some sort of understanding about your issues.

You just have to understand you are a complex human being with very complex issues! 

Changing Closets

Yesterday's Cyrsti Condo's post concerning You Tube make up star Nikki de Jager as well as a couple of well read posts on my Facebook feed led me to think again how difficult the changing of one's gender can be. 

First of all, it needs to be pointed out Nikki de Jager was essentially forced out of her closet by a threatened blackmailer or blackmailers. How sad is it has to happen in this way. Here is a closer look at Nikki's background from Wikipedia:

"Nikkie de Jager, better known by her YouTube channel name NikkieTutorials, is a Dutch makeup artist and beauty vlogger. She gained online popularity in 2015 after her YouTube video, "The Power of Makeup", went viral and inspired many other videos of people showing their faces with and without makeup."

Her story led me to think about some acquaintances I have encountered on Facebook. It seems the more festive smiling party pictures they post, the sadder they become. In fact, one of them just said the exact same thing. Changing closets had become too brutal for her and she felt she had to go one way or the other.

I remember vividly how terrible it was for me when I was splitting my life down the middle between genders. Finally, when my wife passed away and I could actually look at beginning HRT, I could see which way I could go and live my life full time as a transgender woman. 

It was quite the slippery slope and until Liz came along and we found each other, I couldn't see another solid relationship in my future. I viewed myself as slipping down on long hard road towards a cliff. At the bottom of the cliff I changed my male closet for a feminine closet. 

It all worked for me although I needed to lose almost everything in my life when I did it. Fortunately, I was able to sneak back into my male closet and bring former interests with me (like sports) and family members such as my daughter came with me.

Leaving all the male clutter behind though never really bothered me. After all, how many humans really get the chance to start over?