A Visit With the Vampires and Beyond

Yesterday was my three month hematology appointment. You may remember several years back, I had a problem with too much iron in my blood.  To keep it under control, every so often I have to have a pint of blood drawn. Yesterday I was fortunate and my iron level was low enough, the only blood I had to give up was the minimal amount for lab work.

So, the toughest part of the whole experience was fasting for the labs or not eating for twelve hours.

The nicest part was being able to wear my new black cable knit sweater. It has a cute cut out around the neck area as well as other openings down the sleeves. I paired it up with my tight black jeans and dark gray boots.

So the whole experience was very uneventful!

Changing gears now, I can imagine though what would be less than uneventful would be working in a construction atmosphere with a bunch of men. However, I do have an acquaintance who transitioned as a union carpenter to a woman on the job here in Cincinnati and by her own admission has experienced very few problems.

But, not all contractor or construction transgender transitions are that smooth according to  Connie:

"When I had my business, I spent most of my time dealing with contractors, either selling my services or actually working along side them on the job site. Yes, you probably wouldn't want to have heard what they might have said afterward. While they may have toned down the misogyny and dirty jokes a bit when there was a woman working on a job site, a woman still had to put up with a lot of crap from some of the guys. This may have changed somewhat over the past twelve years, but I would bet that their talk is still quite egregious when it's just guys only.

I used to wear knee pads while I worked (I didn't want rough and calloused knees when I went home and slipped into a dress), and I got so tired of hearing the "down on your knees" jokes. I knew that I would never be able to continue my business if I had transitioned, because the tension would have been unbearable for me. I also would not have been able to make enough sales to stay in business, anyway. A severely torn rotator cuff led to my demise before I had to make that decision, and I used the downtime to begin the early stages of my transition. Although I am still hampered, physically, I have retained all of the skills to do my old work. Aside from the trivial worries of something like breaking a nail, though, I just wouldn't want to have to put up with the jokers.

Wishing it was summer pix!

When I walk into a building store these days, I am usually offered help without solicitation. I often already know as much, if not more, than the employee does. I have learned to play a little dumb; not like I used to do, trying to impress the employee with my knowledge and expertise. There are still a lot of guys who don't appreciate it when a woman upstages them, even if it's a trans woman (or maybe, especially if it's a trans woman). There's more to being a "big girl" than our size, after all. ;-) "

Thanks for the reference to my "The Big Girl" post.

The Big Girl

"Big Girl" Picture by the Ohio River

I have always written about going out when MtF transition to places most likely to make you feel uncomfortable. For example, having to go to an auto parts store rather than a dress shop. Most certainly, the dress shop would be more fun but sometimes the auto parts store is the necessity.

So far, in my relatively short transgender life, I think the most macho place I found myself in was a junk yard with Liz, trying to get a used mirror for our car. It was difficult to dress to blend for a junk yard. But, the fact remains, if you are going to attempt to live a feminine lifestyle, there are going to be times when the "sugar and spice and everything nice" stereotype is not going to cut it.

Sunday, quite by accident, I found myself all so briefly in one of those testosterone macho situations.

Liz and I went to one of the big hardware box stores to look for and have lumber cut for her martial arts class. I didn't think much of it because there are always quite a few women in these stores and it is difficult to find someone to  help you, even if you want to.

Yesterday, to save time and extra steps, we decided to use the contractors entrance nearest to where the lumber is sold. As we came through the sliding doors, I found myself surrounded by a group of men checking out with their construction purchases. I had no choice but to hold my head up high and walk through them.

As I did, I heard a couple of them talking about the "big girl." I thought to myself, I will take it because I am a "big girl." Of course I didn't hear what they said after that. Which was probably a good thing!

Singing in the Rain?

Well, not really. I will not subject anyone to my singing.

As far as the rain goes, we had plenty of it Saturday. Plus, we had plenty to do. For some reason, I am allergic to umbrellas and my hair took the brunt of a rainwater drenching. Seemingly, the rain would let up enough to get from one place to another and my hair would dry up enough to bring curls and friz, then pick up again and drench it.

After about the third time it happened, I gave up and even didn't care much when we went into one of my least liked places...an auto repair shop. By that time, I wanted to get everything done and get back home to watch football.

At least I was fortunate enough to be able to dress for the weather, sans umbrella. I wore a gray sweater, black jeans, gray boots and my scarlet and gray hand knitted scarf, compliments of my partner Liz. The colors by the way, are the same as my fave team The Ohio State Big Ten Champion Buckeyes.

Fortunately, my well worn black leather jacket is still hanging in there and kept me dry too.

So, since I didn't have to sing anywhere and the car was under warranty, a little (or lot of) rain didn't hurt me. At least we didn't get any of the severe storms the system produced to the West of us. And to hell with that umbrella. :)

Cis Gender Dysphoria

Every now and then we transgender women and trans men suffer from tunnel vision in our daily approaches to life. By the way, "cis gender" to me means a person born female or male. For the sake of simplicity, I know these binary birth terms do not apply to everyone.

Last night, I was listening to a cis feminine singer talk about how she worries about how she looks and it interferes with her life. To the point of her questioning the whole cult of beauty. I immediately thought I feel the same way...only worse.

Years ago, when I was first considering making the jump from cross dresser to trans woman, I was told several times by my cis woman friends, "Welcome to our world!." As I saw it then and now, women live in a much more complex world than men.

After all, all women (cis or transgender) worry to some degree about their appearance. Outside of the Walmart queens, the typical woman has some sort of problem with her breasts, hair, legs or other parts of her anatomy. Let alone make up, skin and just what is the proper outfit to wear?

I guess being part of "their world" means accepting a larger share of gender dysphoria.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

As we make the journey out of the closet, often our only friend (or enemy) is our mirror. Alas, though, the mirror tells us only what we want to hear. Again, good or bad. Most of the time, we don't look as good as we think we do...or as bad. We also don't realize the feminizing experience for the novice cross dresser or transgender woman is a trip full of more trial than error. The great majority of us don't have guidance on what is potentially our best, most flattering, style choices. Many end up as the 40 year old mall cross dressers in mini skirts and heels. Before we learn better styles.

The only way to get out of the mirror is to forge our way into the world. Which is easier said than done. Here is Connie's example:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEENovember 29, 2018 at 9:29 AM

"Again, we can only truly see ourselves when we see our reflection in the eyes of others. We first venture out, away from the reflection given by the mirror in our own homes, to be seen. Still, that is not enough, as we are only displaying ourselves as that same image we saw in the mirror. Exposing ourselves to others as more than that two-dimensional reflection finally allows us to see our full selves through other people. This is as true for our gender as it is for anything else about us."

Thanks! A great point to be sure. What happened to me was, the more I got out, the more I grew into my own feminine personality and away from just the outwardly appearance. 

From that point I learned I wanted to pursue my life on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) as a transgender woman.

Get Out of the Closet!

At Monday's transgender - cross dresser meeting, it occurred to me my coming out process was once again backwards when compared to so many others.

During the meeting, I normally have the chance to sit back and consider everyone else's experience and relate it to mine.

After my wife passed away, it left the door wide open to basically fully explore my life as a woman and I totally took advantage of it. Nearly every spare moment was used to go out cross dressed and see if my feminine dreams could become a reality. Then, I met two close cis female lesbian friends who refused to even acknowledge any maleness in me. They kept pushing me to never look back, in many unspoken ways. For example, I was always an invitee to anything from lesbian mixers to football games.

Then, came along my partner Liz who I just happened to meet on an online dating site.  As most of you already remember, Liz is also a lesbian identifying cis female. Even more than the other two women, she refused and still refuses to see any maleness in me at all. This even was back in the days before I started HRT hormones and was still wearing wigs. In fact, she was with me the New Years Eve when I took my first dosage.

Of course now, I wonder what took me so long to accept the inevitable, deep down inside the girl within me was finally going to get a chance to live her life.

It just took others to really see her. 

Snowy, Windy Monday in Trans Land

After a fairly decent day Sunday, which saw temperatures rising to near 60, this morning, winter reality set back in. We have a wintry mix of rain and snow blasted by up to 40 mile per hour winds.

So, due to the conditions, I rescheduled my hour and half one way trip to my endocrinologist. I have enough estrogen patches to get me by, I should be fine.

Tonight though, is one of the bi-monthly meetings of the transgender-cross dresser support groups I attend.

I like to go among, other reasons,  because I normally find some sort of blog material to write about. Although I don't mean that negatively. I have found a few decent acquaintances there.

Tomorrow,  the weather is supposed to be just cold and sunny, so I should be able to just bundle up and make both of m appointments. One with my therapist and one with my psychiatrist.

Busy Weekend

First of all, I hope all of you who happened to travel for Thanksgiving this weekend, a safe journey to and from your destination.

We stayed close to home as I wrote about before and enjoyed a real decadent feast, which I gave blessings for. Knowing full well, so many others aren't so fortunate. For once, Liz's often standoffish brother was even semi nice to me.

Friday night we met up with some old friends we hadn't seen forever. Ironically (or maybe not so much so) I spent most of my time talking girl talk with two of the youngest women at the table...both millennial. It all was very satisfying and pleasant.

Yesterday (Saturday) was football day with The Ohio State Buckeyes crushing their arch rivals, who I can't mention by name, despite being under dogs in their own stadium. Due to a serious brain cyst, I still believe the team's famous coach will retire this year. But I digress.

Saturday night we were invited to go back to an oft visited up-scale Italian restaurant we go to. I wore a cream colored sweater (which I promptly spattered with sauce) with my long black embroidered skirt with flats. Surprisingly, the lead cross dresser who normally comes dressed, this time came as his male self and was less obnoxious. I don't know why the female attire makes him try so hard for social acceptance. Maybe it is because  he feels more secure when he has his male privilege.

Coming up this week on Monday and Tuesday, it's time for my endocrinologist appointment to see if maybe I can increase my estrogen dosage a little bit.

Finally, Tuesday I have an appointment with my therapist and the psychiatrist who fills all my other meds. So it's starting off to be a busy week!

Bucket List Friday

Well, it's the most anticipated shopping day of the year...Black Friday.

"Back in the day" when I had a cross dressing feminine bucket list, one of the items on my list was to brave the crowds as a woman on Black Friday.

After many years of watching my wife head out with several of her girl pals to shop, I finally got my chance to go out when she got a new job in retail and I was left unattended.

When the much awaited day finally made it, I bundled myself in my best fuzzy sweater and tight jeans with boots then headed to the closest/biggest mall.

I don't know what my expectations were but I might as well have been a gorilla in a dress for all the attention I didn't get. Everyone was moving fast and in their own world and predictably, mostly women. I did manage to get into a few stores and shop for a couple of small Christmas items for my wife.

All too soon, the morning was over meaning I had to head home and be back to my old boring male self before my wife finished work and came home. Time has eroded my memory and I don't quite remember what excuse I told my wife how I spent the day. Chances are, with my restaurant job, I had to be at work around three.

Some items on a bucket list are harder to accomplish than others.