Me Thinks He Protests too Much!

At our transgender support group meeting last night, I heard a self professed cross dresser say emphatically he couldn't be transgender because he likes women. The whole outburst was a little unnerving to me because he looked straight (no pun intended) at me when he said it.

I simply said, don't tell my cis-woman partner of five plus years I can't like women because I'm trans.

From there, and I am not sure he listened, other's in the room tried to explain the difference between gender (between the ears) and sexuality (between the legs).

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised at his lack of understanding and hopefully a few more statements such as that will help him to understand. Plus, it just so happens, I know at least a couple more of the participants are married to, or live with cis women and a couple more participants are bi-sexual.

A learning experience for him to be sure. I hope a positive one.

Perhaps too, if you have heard the old saying "if a person protests too much they may have a skeleton or two dancing in their closet." He may be experiencing a fantasy or two keeping his skeletons dancing.

How Did I Get Here?

I used to write anti stealth posts here in Cyrsti's Condo about transgender women transitioning and then going stealth, to be never heard from again.

Many years later, I find myself in the same spot.

It has occurred to me I am the trans stealth person now for a couple of reasons. The first being, I really don't care what the public thinks of me and if the truth be known, most need to see and/or interact with a transgender person anyhow.

The second reason being is I think I am better in living a feminine lifestyle. Or, at the least I am used to it, through more error than trial over the years. I have settled in to the person I thought I could become and blend with other cis-women in the world.

In other words, going stealth was a natural turn of events. After all, I went through all the trouble of having my legal gender markers changed to female.

I used to see "landmarks" in my MtF gender transition.  Now all I see is life. So I guess, stealth is good after all. Looking back, I am pretty sure I know how I got here, now I sure as hell don't ever want to leave.

It's Amazing!

Well once again, it seems the "Dumptster" has been dealt dual set backs in his quest to deny transgender troops the right to serve in the military. A third judge as well as the Pentagon itself has said after January first, trans woman and trans men can enlist and serve in the U.S. military.

Since the people's minority president spends four hours of his day watching television, I'm sure he will be finding other activities to zero in on, like screwing up the Middle East or starting a nuclear war.

Locally, the news concerning trans students in a local school district was not good. Last night a major school district in the Cincinnati area voted not to extend LGBT transgender protections to their students. Of course the meeting was packed by local alt right Evangelicals who shot it down. To but it into perspective, this is close to the same area as Leelah Alcorns' parents live.

Not so amazing. I wish I could have written a "fluff" post today. But, I just couldn't. Sorry.

The Pendulum Swings

I believe the winding course which takes us from being a part time cross dresser to a full time transgender woman has a pendulum. It swings back and forth until you decide on the feminine person you ultimately will become as you regain your heritage.

You may always want/need to dress in heels and hose or (on the other hand) you may end up loving your girl jeans and boots. It's trans human nature, sort of like being a princess, per Connie:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 10, 2017 at 4:05 PM

It's OK to feel like a princess once in a while. In fact, every woman - cis or trans - has a right to it. Looking back, I see that my cross dressing experiences were like crossing a line each time. I was feeling the princess in me, but I was simultaneously trying to block out the essence of my self in order to do so. Soon after entering the women's world 24/7, I found myself more in a zone - a zone in which I might feel like a chambermaid one moment, and a princess the next. 

The princess feeling may come and go, and it may be as small and fleeting as having a man open a door for me or a knowing smile from another woman. Sure, I experienced a bit of that when cross dressed, but I had to cross a line first. I can tell you now, though, that these feelings are so much more affirming in my life as a woman (trans woman, if you insist) than they were when I was only temporarily presenting a facade.

Above it all is that I would rather live within the zone as a chambermaid, with fewer opportunities to be a princess, than to have to cross a line in order to feel like a princess for a few hours at a time. The princess feeling can come at any time, not just after I've made a conscious effort to step over a line."

Very true! Thanks! :)

You Are Nothing...

It's been awhile here in Cyrsti's Condo since I have discussed my most prized possession...my health.  You may (or may not) remember, I ran into some fairly serious iron problems in my blood in 2015. The issue wasn't a lack of iron, it was too much. If the problem was not brought under control, liver damage would result. To make a long story short, I was taken off my precious estrogen until it was and in the meantime my hands were breaking out in sores, again until my iron could be brought under control.

After seeing a number of VA (Veterans Administration) doctors, one diagnosed my problem and set out to help me take care of it. He ordered me to undertake a series of Phlebotomy's until my iron was back under control. Here is a partial explanation:

"Phlebotomy is a clinical procedure in which blood is taken out from your body. People suffering from conditions such as hemochromatosis, where there is an excess of iron content in the blood, or polycythemia, where the patient produces excessive amounts of red blood cells, regularly undergo phlebotomy to alleviate their condition.

The regular removal of blood lowers the body’s iron level by bringing down the population of red blood cells in the body."

This link will take you to more of an explanation..

Most importantly, over a period of six months, the treatment worked and I was allowed to get back on my HRT meds and resume my MtF transgender gender transition. In addition I, perhaps, will have blood taken every three months or so for the rest of my life.

My thanks to Sam Thomas , the main editor at Medipursuit who helped me with the explanation and the link.

It's hard to explain what the process was and how important it was/is to me. With the Christmas season upon us, the most important gift anyone can receive is their health!

Jump! ...Suit

I was watching one of Liz's sewing shows this morning on one of our PBS television channels. Liz is a seamstress and the show's theme today was the returning popularity of the pants or jump-suit for women.

The show brought back many memories I had about a black jump-suit I just loved back in the day...when they were in style. I remember I was lucky to find it in my size in a deep discount store and it fit wonderfully. The only problem was when I had to potty, I had to almost take it all off.

Ancient picture of the wig I wore with the pants-suit

The jumpsuit was also what I wore on the evening I chose to go out and seriously begin to live as a transgender woman. It was also the first night I can remember I was making a conscious choice to move from a cross dresser to a trans woman.
Perhaps you remember the Cyrsti's Condo post detailing the extreme fear I felt on the evening. The "suit" helped me to succeed that night because it was upscale and fit in with the professional women who were coming in after work. I was able to blend in easily.

The jump-suit also fit in well when I went shopping in several of the upscale malls in Columbus, Ohio. Again, I fit right in with many of the other cis-women as I shopped.

As fond as the memories were though, I don't think I would try to wear a pants-suit again.

Reality or Fantasy?

Back in the day, my deceased wife and I would engage in many discussions/arguments over my cross dressing only being fantasy based and having nothing to do with knowing how a "real" woman lived. Little did she know, when she called me the "Pretty, pretty princess" I was motivated to learn exactly what she was talking about...learn how to live as a "real" woman.

It turns out Connie had a similar experience:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 9, 2017 at 2:10 PM

"As we both heard from our spouses early on, "You just want all the fun parts of being a girl!" For me, that comment made me really examine my gender identity. It caused me, at once, both shame and indignation. I hated myself for living out a fantasy at the expense of our relationship, but how dare she say that it was only a fantasy! By all appearances, though, she was right. I had been holding back my real femininity in order to be able to compartmentalize my feminine and masculine presentations. When I explained that to her later, and she graciously accepted my need to let go of the masculine, the freedom (and the responsibility) of embracing the feminine world opened the door to a life that was so much more natural to me than I'd ever experienced before.

As a man, I always preferred the company of women on a social level. I was seen by them as a sensitive and gentle man. Women would confide in me like they would not to most guys, and I learned so much about myself in the process. I actually had an empathy for women that most men could not ever comprehend. The thing that was so upsetting to me, though, is that I was not so well received by women when I was "just having fun" being one. Yes, I had been looking at life from both sides, but it wasn't until I melded them together - being who I really am - that I have been able to be seen by both women and men as having validity. Now, this validity may not be of a cis woman's, but it is close enough that I get respect for who I am. I can't ask for more than that."

As life went on, I found out my wife was right...I was just being a princess but my life was to change dramatically, and no I never became the "queen."

Thanks Connie for sharing.

How High or Low can You Go?

Liz was discussing with me my Cyrsti's Condo post about the socialization similarities between cis and transgender women.

I'm paraphrasing here, but she said she thought many cross dressers and/or trans women don't understand the seriousness cis women grow up with, when life comes down to appearance. How a whole day can be ruined when an outfit is under appreciated.

On the other hand she agreed with me when I brought up how good we can feel the moment we sense everything has come together and we look the best we can.

She also said, most cis women pass through a certain time of their lives when they are sure they look their best. But, as time passes by, the cis woman has to rely on other features to make them still feel attractive.

That's why, I do my best to take care of my aging skin. If you are on a budget and have an "Big Lots" store nearby, they sell cosmetic facial wipes for around a dollar a pack (30 wipes.) My personal faves are the "green tea" wipes. They do a fantastic job of removing all my makeup and deep cleansing my skin.

Older picture with shorter hair and old glasses.

Plus, as you have all probably read, I try to walk everyday for all the benefits it can provide-including the all important weight control. I figured long ago, if I was seriously considering playing in the girls sandbox as a transgender woman, I needed to start to work at it.

Sometimes I wonder, when someone says they "cannot pass", are they working hard enough to do it. Very, very few of us can naturally head out into a feminine world and be successful. I also tell everyone to not necessarily become enamored with all the pictures you see on the web. The best looking cross dresser - transgender woman in the world can not make it as a trans woman if she walks and talks like a linebacker.

In fact, Liz says "I'm such a girl" when she out cusses me. On the other hand she is always telling me I have a problem with my posture.

It's like everything else in life...highs and lows are part of existence. Just head on back to the drawing board and do better. No matter what age you are or how you perceive your appearance.

Let It Snow!

When it snows around here (Ohio) it is obviously not the same as it snowing throughout the deep South...Louisiana, Georgia, etc. I don't mind snow if I don't have to travel in it, and if I do, I have something to wear.

Somewhere in the dim recesses of my closet, I have a couple more pair of boots still to seek out. One pair resembles the classic "Ugh" boots and are tan in color with some sort of a faux wool interior. In other words, the ultimate snow boot. My old slouch boots have seen their better days, I have a pair of gray boots with two inch heels which are actually too big unless I wear heavy socks with them and finally I have a pair of heavy duty charcoal colored suede and fax fur boots too.

So I think I can make it through the winter! :)

Now sweaters are a different story. This transgender girl cannot have enough sweaters! Time permitting, I would still like to hit a couple of the pre-Christmas sales, use the remainder of my gift certificate and buy one or two more sharp sweaters.

I promise to try to remember to snap a selfie the next time I wear one for all of you.

In the meantime both Liz and I are using our resources to keeping our two aging cars on the street!