In Sync

Sometimes I'm a little slower than the average bear. This morning when I woke up, I had to brush my hair out of my face immediately and thought what a pain!

Then I thought back to the days when I woke up continually to the pain of "gender dysphoria." Which I can only describe as a tearing deep down inside. How was I going to make it through another day acting like a person I never was. It was ugly.

Now though, I am able to get immediate feedback on who I am, thanks in a large part to HRT and how I am able to live as a transgender woman. I can only describe it as a feeling like no other I have ever experienced.

So I don't know if the wait was worth it, but being "in-sync" with myself makes like so much easier and brushing my hair out was all right too!

The Wizard Was Kind

I had quite the day yesterday during the two transgender support group meetings I went to.

The first one at the Dayton, Ohio VA Hospital was a bit more boring since the on again/off again SRS trans woman didn't attend. She always aggravates me when she uses terms such as "transgendered" and "transgenders" when referring to others in the LGBT trans tribe. So overall, I found "boring" to be more pleasant. My lesbian friend was there to make up for the loss.

The second meeting was attended by a nice mix of trans women and transgender men with a wide variety of ages. I always an inspired somehow by being around transgender youth and feeling their energy. Being a new attendee, I was told I had to give my life story. A mistake to be sure. If I didn't give the abbreviated version, we would still be there :).

The whole day was good since I was going to accepting places and feeling good about the way I looked. I went with my gray boots, black leggings and a hip hugging gray sweater. Some days I feel I get my makeup right for the occasion and sometimes I don't. Yesterday, I felt I did.

So even though the second meeting is tough for me to get to (and back) I am going to try to get to it again. As the elder (?) in the group, I think sometimes my input means something. I told all of them how proud I was of their efforts in coming out.

The Wizard was good to me.

Off to See The Wizard

Today I have two transgender support groups to go to. Both are in Dayton, Ohio, about an hour and a half drive one way. So, it's not like I can stop somewhere and make any major outfit changes.

Since I have seen an increasing amount of women wearing boots, I am thinking about pulling out and dusting off mine from last winter and trying on some leggings. My problem is I could be walking some distances and I may have to break the boots in again. I still have an hour or so to check out leggings, jeans etc.

The first group today is the one I write about all the time at the Dayton Veterans Hospital. One of the attendees goes to the second meetup which I have never been to, but have been invited. If I tag along with her, at least I will know where I am going.

Whatever the case, I will have the chance to meet some new friends and set my network up for success. The second group does diversity days regularly at the VA hospital.

Now I just have to find something appropriate to wear. I want something with a little edge which is comfortable too!

It will be interesting to see how many transgender women and men versus cross dressers are attending the second meeting.  It is held above one of Dayton's biggest LGBT venues, so anything is possible,

"Gangsta-Revisited"

Well, although it didn't take all day :) to see if Liz's old "Gangster Moll" costume didn't really fit all the way, it is close enough to fix with her considerable sewing skills and a little elastic.

Now I get to pay the price for my considerable increase in appetite and weight. While I know I can blame some of it on the effects of HRT, I know I am to blame and I doubt if I can walk off enough weight before the witches ball this weekend. Sigh!

Maybe Connie's right...wear something orange and come as Trump.

Other than Halloween fast approaching, the "Me Too" campaign protesting male molestation of women is gaining ground. It is so entrenched, it will be interesting to see how much of a dent will be made in the problem. Perhaps you have seen, even Harvey Weinstein's brother has distanced himself from the "perve." However, as long as many people (including women) continue to think treating women this way is just a right of "male passage", it will continue to be a wrong of female passage.

Halloween with friend from five years ago. NOT my hair :)

I told you of my up bringing, and it was shocking and more than a little scary. In a split second I found out what it would be like to be held powerless against your will. And no, the experience was not a validation of my femininity, it was a lesson learned against my humanity. Cross dresser, transgender woman or whatever.

 

Short Sunday

Not much to write about today. Busy day coming up trying to see if an older "gangster moll" costume of Liz's still fits me. If it does, I may have to get a new pair of fishnets, Fedora hat and wear the costume to this years' Cincinnati Witches Ball. The whole event should be great fun with this years theme "The Mad Hatter." Free music and food treats with admission, pirates, belly dancers and so much more!

Those of you who are Saturday Night Live fans probably saw last night the show caught up with Harvey Weinstein. He was harpooned on the "Weekend News Update" segment after a weak attempt earlier in the show. Sadly it seems, men such as Weinstein see it as their duty to provide a very tragic and distasteful right of passage for some/most women. The process is just not limited to cis-women as even I was cornered one night at a cross dresser-transgender party by an "admirer." He was much bigger than I and had managed to maneuver me into a corner before my deceased wife came in to protect me. Lesson learned!

Past that, the Cincinnati Bengals won't lose (because they don't play today) and my "The Ohio State Buckeyes"  continued their march towards a terrific game in a couple of weeks against Penn State and Connie, how many undefeated teams are left in Washington State?

Enough football already! (If there is such a thing.) I must get on with my Sunday. I hope you all are getting along OK and my thoughts go out to all the victims of the California wildfires. May the force be with you all!

LGBT Coming Out Day

Actually, "Coming Out Day" was a couple days ago, so I am a little late writing about it. But, here it goes anyway.

Coming out for me was certainly the slippery slope. I was entertaining the idea literally for years until I could figure out a way to do it as easy as possible. What happened to me was a series of gentle/not so gentle nudges from friends until the deed was done. They were viewing me as a transgender woman with no strings attached, so, why shouldn't I?

One person, my partner Liz, gets the most credit for making me a trans believer in myself, although there were others too!

My daughter's total acceptance of me really helped and there was so much more like being asked to tag along to events such as an NFL Monday Night Football game, lesbian happy hour parties and many others.

After much consternation, it all became increasingly routine as I reached the point when I could start HRT, retire, grow my hair out and eventually change my MtF

Pre-HRT transition picture

gender markers. Again it was Liz pushing me ever so slightly to be myself.

So, I can't celebrate an actual "Coming Out Day" as some do. I can celebrate though, my partner, daughter and friends who wouldn't give up on me until I got it done.

What is next? Living my dream of navigating the world daily as a woman after jumping through all the LGBT hurdles I had to jump through.

I'm walking everyday to help jump anymore hurdles I may have to negotiate in the future and maybe there will be fewer of them too!

Mile Stones

And, not the stone (chip) on the shoulder of quite a few LGBT transgender people.

For whatever reason, I neglected to mention I celebrated my 68th birthday last week, and on almost the same day, we passed the two million "hit" mark here in Cyrsti's Condo.

I would like to thank my long deceased parents for their tenacity in having me and all of you for stopping by the blog so regularly. Your comments make the effort sooooo worth it!

Thanks all again!

Going All the Way

Could not resist passing along this comment from Connie, even though it included a reference to a rare football loss by my The Ohio State Buckeyes. Oklahoma played us tough and won and we have a tough schedule the rest of the way, headlined by Penn State. Until Connie mentioned it, I wasn't aware anyone played "big boy" foot ball in the Pacific Northwest :).

"I have to wonder, in your Crossport group, if there are any who could...go...all...the...way!

Sorry. It's the middle of college football season, and we happen to have, here in Washington, two of the thirteen teams that are thus far undefeated. Sorry for your loss. ;-)

Really, though, based on your own experience, do you think you might be able to predict the future of a trans woman by getting to know her? I have known some who seemed to have jumped right out of the closet and into a full-blown transition. Then, there are others (more like myself) who had procrastinated for years before realizing that they were really transitioning all along, albeit very slowly. Knowing what I do now, I could have given myself some good advice years ago. That advice would probably be somewhere between diving straight in and dragging heels (pun, if you want it to be). I also wonder how much influence we might have toward someone else's decisions. 

I haven't attended a trans support group meeting for years. I came to the conclusion long ago that I can only offer my own experience as support, and there has been little support I can get for myself. I think that those with whom I may better relate are living their lives more as I do, so they don't attend those meetings, either. Cross dressers may admire me for my presentation, but I have actually experienced admonishment from the non-binary group for being too feminine. I find little value in participating in an often-patronizing mutual admiration society, nor do I relate to the often-confused gender fluid trans people. 

I think that I can read fairly well when a cross dresser is not interested in transitioning, even if they may have a fantasy of doing so. I know a couple who have gone into a transition by chasing the fantasy, only to find that they end up to be still a cross dresser - but with real boobs. One of those, I could have predicted as much, but I dared not give cautionary advice. 

I have felt for a long time that I have taken on a responsibility for others by being in my own transition, as we all should realize that it is not just ourselves, but everyone with whom we interact who transitions along with us. I can try to change hearts and minds better, then, through being a good example, I think.

Back to the football analogy: I might just be punting on this. :-) "

Yes, for sure I have met several cross dressers whom I thought were "naturals" for the change but for whatever reason never went through the process. Then there were the others who did it seemingly for the "thrill" and lived happily never-after.  I always speculated they weren't really transgender down deep and should have stayed in cross dresser mode. Which would have been fine since they seemed happier.

You Can't Put Make Up on a Stone Chip

Perhaps the title is similar to "making a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

Surprisingly enough, this Cyrsti's Condo post comes from my session with my therapist yesterday. We normally don't get into much creativity during the hour.

The idea came from when I described one of my fellow transgender veteran acquaintances to her. Being blunt, the trans woman in question carries a huge chip on her shoulder because she is transgender. No matter how nice looking she may be, the ugliness of the chip always seems to shine through. She is one of those peeps who seem to always find the negative in every situation.

I made the point to my therapist transitioning the body never does totally transition the mind! A big chip on the shoulder does not make for an interesting person, male, female or transgender.