Transition Part II

Monday we started a series of posts here in Cyrsti's Condo on what I called my stages of a Mtf gender transition. I called Level One my "Cross Dressing" phase. Please remember, none of these stages are meant to disrespect anyone.

Today, I am going to name my second phase "Tweener." Why? As I look back on the years of trying my best to not face up to my true gender soul, I was in truth running from the fact my gender issues ran so much deeper than just putting on a dress and walking in the mall. These times were as tough on me as any adolescent kid going through puberty, except I didn't know which way I was headed.

The only certainty was, if I figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt I was transgender, I knew I could trash my life as I knew it. Family, job etc, all in a great big dumpster. So what did I do? Took it like a man. Tried to bluff my way through it and be as macho as I could and for the most part, it worked until little by little I started to slide to the inevitable.I knew that someday I would have to transition, or check out of this existence altogether. 

Physically, being a tweener to me meant living a whole different existence. I had to no longer approach the world hoping I could "pass" as a woman. I needed to see if I could live as one.

Slowly but surely I ended up having separate but parallel lives going on, which was tough too. As it turned out though, a little toughness was going to help the tweener grow up and take on a whole new world as a woman.

Stirring the "Hot Mess."

Most certainly if you have been around Cyrsti's Condo for any length of time, you know of Connie's name and regardless of what I write, my respect for her. If you wonder why read on:

"Transgender women of our age (and I'm going to stick with the three years that separate us for a few more weeks until I hit the big 6-5), grew up so clueless as to what and who we may have been. As you say, there was no internet to access, but the proper information wasn't available anywhere. What you call a "hot mess" was what I found to be an insidious "vicious circle", where acting out by cross dressing brought a temporary relief that carried with it a guilt that was equal to - or greater than - the amount of thrill of seeing the feminine self I felt to be inside. Soon, the required lying and deception became as much the thrill as dressing up was. All of the scheming, planning, and deception began taking up as much of my time as the actual act of cross dressing did. More importantly, it exhausted me on an emotional level and caused me to be a lesser spouse and parent than I wanted to be. Thus, more guilt and depression. I wasn't just an unhappy transgender(?) woman, I was a miserable excuse for a human being. 

I remember when we became "friends" on that unnamed "TransNazi" site. If I remember correctly, you put in a friend request to me, siting my cynicism and love of blues music as your reasons. I don't think either of us had a lot of "friends" on that site, but we did have our fun being smart asses - for me, mostly in my comments on others' blog posts, including yours. We've both changed so much, yet here I am, still being a smart ass on your blog. At any rate, I believe that we both benefited from each other's misery, which eventually allowed us to step away from the "hot mess" or "vicious circle" we'd been in individually for so long. My cynical take on that would be that I learned I wasn't, at least, as screwed up as that Cyrsti chick. Truthfully, though, it was the knowledge that someone else had been going through much of the same shit for so many years that made it easier for me to move on. I've found that to be more of a moving off the stage than the moving on to a new one. I had thought myself to be such a good actor until I'd discovered that I was really a bad one."

See what you have done, I'm tearing up. Damn hormones!!!!

On another level though, my lack of a father figure guilt trip didn't seem to work on my kid, so all turned out better than I could have ever expected. 

Maybe we could do a "bicoastal" weekly Podcast between Seattle and Cincinnati? :)

Bonnie Who?

Sorry Bonnie Raitt but a friend pointed this out to me!
Love your singing!!!       

First in a Series?

The more I work on Book #2 and see some of the ideas which I didn't use when I wrote  "Stiletto's on Thin Ice" I have come to the realization they couldn't because they hadn't happened yet.

While I love a crystal ball as well as the next girl, life just doesn't work for me that way. This time though I began to think of a series of ideas I could use here in Cyrsti's Condo and the new book (title undecided). 

First of all a disclaimer...This worked for me, barely, and is only my take on a very difficult journey. Also, my age is a factor too. There was no internet or super social media for most of my 67 years.

So, my first stage was as a cross dresser or transvestite. I did my best to sneak around and hide my habit from the world, while at the same time doing my best to accumulate a small collection of girl's clothing and makeup etc. 

I separate my crossdressing stage from a different level of awareness when I began to feel just looking at myself in the mirror wasn't enough. There had to be more. Increasing a little voice was growing in my head telling me "There just had to be." 

I also equate this time of my life with leaving a fetish stage of my life. Perhaps you read many cross dressers/transvestites who seem to cling to a specific article of women's clothing. (Like hose for an example.) I am not saying it is right or wrong, to each their own, but I just didn't. I wanted to look the best I could, but increasingly being a woman was overcoming looking like one in my mind. Sure shaved legs and panty hose felt great for a while until the world awaited to see you as a total person.

Looking back, this part of my life was equally scary, exciting and confusing, all in one huge hot mess. Unfortunately, the "hot mess" was to continue for nearly fifty years before I had enough courage to look inside my soul for real answers.

In the meantime, stage two for me was taking tentative looks out side the closet to see what the world was, or could be like for me.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Another Sunday Edition has hit your virtual front porch! It's a beautiful day around here in Southwestern Ohio, so grab a cup of joe (coffee) or tea and lets get started!

Page One: The Week that Was -or Wasn't: As poor Japan continues to sort through the devastation from a series of major earthquakes and aftershocks...North Carolina continues to go through their own. Following the close to unprecedented anti LGBT law passed there, companies, organizations and entertainers continue to announce boycotts against the state. Make no mistake about it, this is a huge fight which goes far beyond the borders of North Carolina. As you remember, Georgia's outgoing governor vetoed a similar bill, and rumblings have started in South Carolina and Tennessee. I would think Tennessee in particular would have to tread lightly because of a huge tourism industry. Stay tuned!

Rachel Dovel

Page Two: Yesterday's Coffee - Opinion: Here in Cincinnati, in some sort of brain vacuum, the Hamilton County Library has turned down a transgender employee's request (Rachel Dovel) to have her SRS covered by the library's insurance. 

Currently the Library Board is giving her request the "sand test." Otherwise known as we will stick our head in the sand and see if it goes away. 

The problem the board has is that the building is the background (white) I believe in the Kroger's headquarters and in the other direction is the Macy's headquarters and finally down the street is Cincinnati City Hall-all of which cover transgender transitions in their insurance. 

It's time to say, "Really Library-REALLY????"

Page Three: Such a Week! From a short stint on a public radio station to a full fledged photo shoot (not to mention a paranormal evening) this week was a blast! For such an unsymmetrical person, I just am fascinated when things in my life line up, symmetrically. Recently I learned a little about doing a "Soul Collage" from my dear friend (and muse) Trish.


During the afternoon, we paused to do an animal meditation to see if one appeared. An owl appeared in mine clear as day.Then, last night, Liz was doing some sort of "Goddess" spin on Facebook and who showed up? Athena and an Owl!
Needless to say, I was dazzled. Ok, my disclaimer here is I am still really new to much of this so if I lead you the wrong way, calm down!

Page Four: The Back Page: Before we take the dogs and us! out to enjoy this glorious day, it's time to point out too, I am a transgender woman. So, while it may not seem to be as important to me as having a run in my hose or wearing the right set of heels, it still is. Just in differing ways. An example? I don't wear panty hose but I need to be careful about getting to much sun light. Which drives my iron level thru the roof. (Not good.) So trans or not, I have a bit of a different way I have to set up my wardrobe.

At any rate, another story for another day!!!!! Everyone be good (or safe). I love you all and thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo!

What The Hell Just Happened?

Such a day! I was able to sneak in a blog post before lunch, aggravate one of my readers (sorry) and have time to accept a last minute invite on a local radio show here in Cincinnati (WAIF). It's hosted by a guy who is certain the Christian faith (his) is under attack and indirectly, the LGBT movement seemingly has something to do with that.

It's my second stint on his show and I didn't see/hear much progress from a guy who when approached about the extremely high rate of transgender suicide, simply said all teenagers kill themselves. The worst part is this guy is a therapist of sorts.

At any rate, fantasy time was over. The other two panelists and him went on and I had another appointment, which was the photo shoot I have told you all about.

First of all, this was the real deal and I guarantee I have never had that many pictures taken of me in my life-total. The pix are being taken with me and six other women for a gallery showing from the photographer this fall. I have no idea if I was the only trans woman, or if all were. At any rate, it was yet another unique and special day, compliments of being trans (for a change). I do know she will be compiling a book later too. As soon as I can get any ideas of when and how, I will send them along!


Finally, I tagged along with a paranormal team Liz works with, and that my friends is an experience for another day!

Sometimes Life Goes Too Fast

First of all, I really like your input on my email, but if you want it not to go on the blog, just tell me too. Be up front as it doesn't bother me, I'm just not the sharpest tack in the box sometimes.

This week alone, I had breakfast with my daughter who has her hands more than full with three kids. I am fairly sure I am the last one to offer up a whole lot of advice. Except when my mind is screaming advise!

Then, today, Thursday, is when I have been invited to a photo shoot of sorts for an art exhibit here in Cincinnati which explains the differing roles of women. I have been fairly vague about it here because I am not totally sure what to expect. Which is my favorite scenario.

Plus I just received an invitation to go back on a local radio show here discussing all the recent LGBT turmoil from laws passed and proposed.

Thinking ahead to my "talking point" on the show, it's all fairly simple. Our opponents can't get past the fact we don't see ourselves as men or women and instead keep falling back on the well worn "man in a women's restroom." 

The problem being, many so called transgender allies can't see past it either.

Now, back to John Kasich. I think he would make a good candidate because he is a "centrist" Republican. Plus no one really has had a chance to know the guy because of all the dust storms stirred up by other candidates. Like any other politician, there are a lot of peeps here in Ohio like him and some don't!

Our Guy?

If you are not familiar, there is a third Republican presidential candidate who has been lost in the circus dust from the two remaining candidates and he is Ohio's Governor John Kasich. The other two , Trump and Cruz have been able to cloud the issues so much that Kasich's flaws just kind of slip through the huge cracks. Like this one:

From TheEdgeMediaNetwork:



During a recent campaign stop in Troy, New York, GOP presidential hopeful John Kasich was asked about Leelah Alcorn, the trans teen from Ohio who made headlines after she took her own life by walking into traffic after her family refused to accept her and wanted her to undergo conversion therapy.

Though the Ohio governor was "not familiar" with Alcon's tragic story, he took the moment to talk about same-sex marriage, LGBT rights and the anti-LGBT "religious freedom" measures popping up in a number of states, ABC News reports.

"This is a very tough issue for people, and let me tell you my view of it: First of all, I'm not familiar with that case," Kasich told a crowd of supporters. "But I've been watching what's happening in North Carolina what happened in Indiana - I'm not watching it closely - but what happened in Mississippi. We have all this legislation that people are proposing... I don't want any discrimination against anybody. I'm not in favor of discrimination, period, end of story."

"Secondly, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage," he continued."I'm a traditional marriage guy, but the court ruled. I'm allowing the court ruling to stand. I'm not looking for some constitutional amendment - it's done."

Actually, I think Kasich is more of the consummate politician and he knows how a North Carolina law would fly in Ohio, into the nearest wall. However, for him to claim he knew nothing about Leelah Alcorn's tragic suicide about 100 miles south of him on I-71 is tragic as well.

Maybe he was already out of the state looking for money? 

Uber Safety?

We have not discussed the need for safety here in Cyrsti's Condo nearly enough! As we transition from men to women, no matter how effeminate we used to be, there still is a huge change in safety. It's bad enough violence against cis women is on the rise, multiply it farther for transgender women.

Now, in certain parts of the country,  Chariots for Women is an up and coming "Uber Service" designed for women only - including trans women.

My partner Liz gets the "way to go girl" for seeing this one on TechCrunch.com. :“The premise is the same as all the other ridesharing services,”  (Founder Micheal)Pelletz said in a phone interview. “There’s a driver app and a client app, except that what makes us unique is our safety feature that other apps forgot to do.” The service’s patent-pending technology gives the driver and the client a code in the app after a ride request has been made. When the car arrives, the driver and passenger make sure their codes match before the passenger gets in the car. Chariot for Women donates 2 percent of every fare to charity, and the company does not use surge charging.

In addition to only having women as drivers, Pelletz uses Safer Places, which has a reputation for performing the most stringent background checks. Chariot for Women also requires that all drivers pass Massachusetts’ Criminal Offender Record Information (CORI) check, the same deep background check used in daycare centers and schools. Chariot for Women pays for the CORI check and will add fingerprinting for its drivers as soon as it’s possible.

The service will also pick up kids of any gender under age 13, as well as anyone of any age who identifies as a woman. “If they’re trans and identify as a woman, they can drive and ride with us, no problem at all,” Pelletz said."

Pelletz goes on to say: "“We’re doing this because there is such inequality when it comes to security that afflicts driver and rider due to gender,” Pelletz reiterated. “Women are across the world the ones being harassed and assaulted by male drivers. In my eight months as an Uber driver, I didn’t hear any negative feedback from men.”

At the time when you are (or have transitioned) into a woman, you will know this is yet another very needed tool, such as wage equality, you will be facing.