And Then There Were Three

Last but not least to be sure came this comment from Connie on our Cyrsti's Condo post "Beauty and the Generic Spouse" :

"Without going into my whole story (nobody really has asked me to write it, anyway), I can tell you that, after 46 years (42 of them in marriage), my "wife" and I are still together. Our relationship has changed considerably in the last six years, so that we are now BFFs (always have been) but now without "benefits". She never wanted to see me cross dressed at all, and so I was always careful to keep it hidden from her. It wasn't until she finally understood that it was so much more than cross dressing that she agreed to let me be myself around her. Had I kept up with the guise of a cross dresser, which is all I ever thought I'd be able to do for the rest of my life, we would not be together now. The seemingly simpler concept of cross dressing was much more difficult for her to understand and accept than the complexity involved with me being transsexual has been. The main thing is that cross dressing is something that one "does", while the other is "who you are". She used to ask, in despair, "why are you doing this to ME?" When she finally realized that I was only doing it (cross dressing) as a means of survival, and that it was only but an outward expression of who I am inside, she also realized that I would never, could never stop "doing it". During a couple's counseling session once, the doctor suggested that we negotiate a specific amount of time each week for me to "express myself", and he even used the analogy of an avid golfer agreeing to playing just 18 holes only on Sunday afternoons. Well, that was a stupid thing for him to say, but it did help in that I was better able to explain to my wife the difference between myself and an avid golfer (I would be happy to lose a couple balls, but the golfer wouldn't - KIDDING).

Anyway, I believe that there are so many variables that each case will be different, even if most of it could be the same. In other words, my story may be atypical; your results may vary."

I too Connie went through the "hobby" aspect of cross dressing, years ago-but not so much with the balls-yet.

Seeing as how I have used several "sweeping generalizations" in this post-we all know what a basic selfish pursuit playing with gender is all about. And, I think those of us who have encountered any number of women who have accepted any matter of what we are.  It's the true measure of the gender we are becoming a part of or expressing the gender we have always been.

The tough/cruel part of this is (as Connie wrote) we are just trying to survive and in most cases don't actually have much control of the process.  Must be why we try to kill ourselves in record numbers?

Personally, I find it interesting the number of people I am running into who think somehow my deceased wife was at fault for only accepting me as a cross dresser. A topic for another post.

Beauty and the Generic Spouse Part Two

Several excellent comments on our Cyrsti's Condo post which among other things discussed how your generic spouse reacts to your feminine appearance   I am fairly unflappable, but getting a comment from a "generic" (other than Liz) is rare around here:

Maria HardingJanuary 27, 2015 at 7:29 PM

Thank you, Cyrsti but, are women really competitive? Yes on one hand, no on the other. Until I found my spouse, I would compete however, at least for me, I did not see him as competition. He is, after all, my husband. The head of my household. I see the flip side, men are the competitive ones. For us, no matter how good (or bad) he looks, I let him know! lol. And she has always been my friend, whether she knew it or not. I always have her back.

 

The reason I wrote that Maria, as in all in the other gender differences, I see women as competitive as men -although in more complex ways. A man competes in a simple world, of physical or monetary power. The alpha females I worked with for years, brought it all to the table.  They listened better, were better in tune with their environment and could "bring the pain" in so many ways it may take you days weeks or months to discover.  Even today, when I'm walking into situations I'm not familiar with, I look for the women in the room first for potential problems.

 

FYI- Maria has a blog many of you may be very interested in!  It's called "A Crossdresser's Wife" See! All of you who think I discriminate against cross dressers-here you go!

Full Time Is In the Mind of the Transitioner?

Paula (left) of Paula's Place came up with a wonderful blog post the other day, essentially revolving around going "full time" as a transgender woman.  Here is an excerpt:


"Without any conscious decision being made I have found that over this last week I have in effect gone full time.   Last week I went to both a rehearsal at my Church and a CIWM meeting authentically,   I also came out to my RSCM committee and the All Soul's Orchestra and have received nothing but support.

Then on Sunday evening I was scheduled to be playing with the worship band for our evening service, when it came to it I just couldn't bring myself to "butch up" and so didn't bother getting changed, just refreshed my lippy and went.   While in no way was I particularly flamboyant I would say that I was pretty obviously presenting female.   I don't know what I was expecting or indeed what I feared, but there was no drama, no lightening bolts, and not even any comments.   I suspect that my being trans in now such old news that everyone was just waiting for it happen!"

For some time now, I think my life has paralleled Paula's in that I am not screaming to the world I am transgender, but in the unforgiving winter weather we are experiencing, and with minimum feminine upkeep , the world still knows something is amiss.  I just don't fit in their comfortable binary gender category.  I know though, I am retired and have not faced the terror of coming to work one day as one gender and the next as another. However, as Paula said people around you have to be pretty dense to not notice any transitional changes, going on with you.

One way or another, I love it when someone else writes a blog post for me!!! Thanks Paula! Follow the link above to her blog.

Rest assured, should you decide to make the transitional gender journey, no matter how you do it-the peaks and valleys and twists and turns will keep you guessing!

Beauty and the Generic Spouse

Yesterday, on Femulate, Stana posted  a picture from one of her readers named Allison.  When Allison described the picture she said (in part) - It was taken by the fabulous Amanda Richards at True Colors Makeup Artistry in Pennsylvania and  "The reason I think it's one of the best (of my pix) is my wife went to the photo shoot with me and I could her gasp for air when I came out of the dressing room; I knew I looked great."  I believe we all agree! Which brings me to my point.

What is more threatening to a generic spouse, when her hubby comes out of the dressing room looking like Allison or when hubby begins to begins to really begin to pick up a feminine persona-with out so called cross dressing at all?

I know, it's an impossible question crossing so many gender and relationship boundaries- for sure- an easy answer is impossible too. 

All I can do is pass along my own personal ideas.  No matter how I looked, my wife made no secret she was not fond of my girl self.  Looking back, I don't blame her but again that is another blog post.  What did happen was, on occasion I could play with the "A" listers who were natural cross dressers-like Allison. It took me years to figure out femininity indeed was more than skin deep.

Just guessing but the slower mtf gender transition may have a better chance of surviving in a relationship. After all, women are very curious and competitive critters. 

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

 from ift.tt

Cyrsti's Condo "Monday Humor"

Back to the Gender Alphabet

Every once in a while I have to slow down my everyday life again I try to reestablish who I am to others by explaining it all to myself.


In this weeks Cyrsti's Condo Sunday Edition, I responded to a comment from Connie on how I sounded as if I was somehow "talking down to" or "demeaning" cross dressers. Surely, Connie was right, but even more surely I do not feel that way. Ironically, the same subject came up with my VA Doc visit this week. One of his first questions was, "How long have you cross dressed?" Finally (I'm not the sharpest tack in the box) I came up with this answer for the average binary gender civilian: I have been a cross dresser since the age of 12, I have been transgender since birth. It was a "birth right" I didn't ask for but here I am.


Most of the time, at that point, I have to backtrack into the basic difference between gender and sexuality and hope for the best.


My problem is now, I risk offending the very group I respect to the max-cross dressers. After all, I identified with Cd's for decades and even did my best to hide behind my dresses to extend my life. All of it just quit working. I wasn't a cross dresser anymore than I was the macho guy down the street. I just took it all to a point of no return. None of that makes me any better or worse than the next person-cross dresser or transgender!


Finally, in this post, while we are talking about gender words, lets talk about the word I consider a gender slur. That of course is the "tra__ny" word which as far as I know still remains a fave word used by enabled older cis gay men (Rude Paul.) If you have a strong feeling one way or another, Frock Magazine is running a survey you can take here.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

"Kerplunk!" another edition of our Sunday Edition has just hit your virtual front porch!  Get your hot "Cup o Joe" snuggle in your fave jammies and lets get started:


Page One: The Week that Was or Wasn't. Across the country, news from the transgender world seemed to slow a bit with stories such as the "Transparent" television success and the "Leelah Alcorn" tragedy seemed to fade a bit. Speaking of Leelah, Liz and I were traveling up the very busy Interstate Highway 75 between Cincinnati and Dayton, Ohio yesterday and she noticed a very androgynous fellow driver in another car looking at us. Perhaps, she saw my "Leelah-Fix Society" bumper sticker?
Page Two: I Was Misquoted?"  No actually, I wasn't but what I wrote was taken out of context. Here it is:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 24, 2015 at 4:49 PM " Cyrsti, I have a challenge for you....Is not your statement, "almost as big as being a cross dresser to being a transgender person" something that a trans nazi might say? Well, it certainly sounds like something a "proud member" of a certain social network has said in the past (still being said, probably, but I divorced myself from that network years ago). I ask this because sometimes we may not be aware of "what we is or what we aint". ;) "  Yups Connie you are right and over the years I did grow up in the community (as you did Connie) with a forced understanding of where I "belonged" in a system with transsexuals at the top and cross dressers at the bottom. My fault was I did not add my usual disclaimer to what I wrote. First off, I never ever want to sound like I am insulting anyone who cross dresses and definitely DO NOT want to infer I would be putting myself up on any sort of pedestal-ever. Please forgive me if I do! Thanks Connie!

Page Three: What's Up Doc? Last week, I wrote about my first visit to an endocrinologist who cared more whole heartedly about my gender transitional well being. Actually, a Veteran's Administration assigned Doc. I know it is easy for me to sit here and write about taking advantage of nearly free medical care as I continue down my HRT road-but not having it can be problematic to your health. Real problematic. My new Doc even called me personally Friday night at 6 to "re consult" with me about taking me off the estrogen pill and putting me on the patch because it would be easier on my liver.  Are you kidding me? I can't remember the last time I got a personal call from a Doctor and at 6 at night? I thought he was going to tell me I was going to die!
Page Four: The Back Page-Editorial:  Age gives you a certain confidence that you have seen it all.  Going through a gender transition tosses all of that into the dumpster as I continue to experience. On one hand all the new "bright and shiny" new toys I get to play with are wonderful, on the other, I still wonder how anyone could ever think a transgender person is going through all of this because we merely want to. I have any number of things I want and quite a few I need. I want a new car and my grand kids to be happy but I needed to transition to save my life.


Everyone have a great week! The Goddess willing and the creeks don't rise-we will be back next week with another Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition."

Hows That Working For 'Ya?'

Every once in a while I try to pause and look around at life as a transgender person and I see for certain, there is no right or wrong way to do this. Lately, seemingly one major change has been I haven't read much recently from groups I call the "Rad Fem's" or the "Trans Nazi's" and more from those describing their experiences: Like-

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 22, 2015 at 6:52 PM

I use my own voice when I sing. I used to wonder if people were taking me for a drag queen - or even an "impersonator". What I learned, though, is that, by just being genuine and true to myself, people have accepted me as just that. This doesn't apply only to being an entertainer, however, as being genuine and true to oneself always will reap great reward. If you doubt who you are, people will doubt if you are (or worse, "what" you are).

And:

PamJanuary 22, 2015 at 11:29 PM

Crysti, I definitly agree about the Columbus, Ohio being more accepting then other parts of Ohio. I live in Westerville a suburb. My form of advocacy involves being open about myself where I work, the groups I belong to (non-trans) and at church. This give people a chance to see we are mostly just like them and not some exotic person that they find offensive.

Using a well worn term from the "old country" - "you is what you is and not what you ain't." No amount of surgery or HRT is going to change you but it will change how you view the world...a difference almost as big as being a cross dresser to being a transgender person. My partner Liz used to be fond of telling me how wonderful it was for me to be able to reinvent myself.  Then we learned together that wasn't quite the case. I was just me all along, just hidden.  Sometimes good-sometimes not so good.

Then again: 

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 22, 2015 at 6:14 PM

I don't think that we can ever wipe out, completely, sixty-years-worth of all the crap. Maybe if we were given sixty more years to do so? Well, only if I can still wear my 4" heels - otherwise, I can't imagine getting that old. I've managed to make it through a whole day without thinking of my "condition", but the fact that I finally came to realize that I had done that, patting my own back for it only makes me realize that I've got a long way to go yet.

Don't we all!