Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Exy Davis stops by "the Condo" Exy is described as an androgynous male/female model.

Esteem versus Vanity

On occasion I think (no, I know)  I spend too much time thinking of my transition process.  I suppose when you attempt something as major as changing your gender, introspection is a natural by product.
Those of you who are regulars around here in Cyrsti's Condo know I'm currently in the middle of a total full time immersion as a woman.  My nearest male clothes are over 150 miles away.

I have written recently about upping my game of trying to look better-naturally.  As I was doing my errands today and checked my appearance when I got back, it occurred to me I was checking my self esteem in the mirror not my vanity.  Certainly, I would love to be a stunningly attractive beauty when I head out into the world, not stun others with my appearance. We all know the beauty part is going to have to wait until another life but not being a human "stun gun" isn't.

Taking this idea to a whole deeper level, I realized I was crossing yet another cross dresser / transgender point in my life.  Being the often "clue less" person I am, I dazzle myself with these little epiphanies of mine. Then again, I entertain easily. This is what I came up with:

As a cross dresser, I lived in the mirror. As a transgender woman, I live in the world, the only real mirror that matters. Now,  in order to survive, I desperately need my self esteem as a woman.  The vanity part of me will always exist and screams for facial feminizing surgery and breast augmentation. But, more importantly, I'm finding esteem is the key to my existence.

From Russia with Love

From the Cyrsti's Condo big screen:

Splat!

Hitting the wall is a very popular term or the "glass ceiling" is good too.  Whatever term you want to put to it, I've very much reached the transition wall.

It's not surprising.  In many ways, the last five years of my life have been an incredible blur.  The initial decision I made to live a feminine life and then start HRT was tumultuous enough but nothing compared to the feminine socialization process which followed. Much of which formed the very basis of Cyrsti's Condo.
I was already an adrenaline junkie from my job as a high volume restaurant manager, so in many ways I craved the expectation of what was "coming next" in a life I waited 50 years to live. But now, life seems to being slowing down and to quote an old song "kicks just keep getting harder to find" and I know the reason.
I was warned by a person years ago who asked the simple question, "what kind of everyday woman would I be when I went out to face the world?"  Simple answer, right?  Not so fast kids.  My perception was I would not be the slobby women I see where I live so often.  As it turns out, not only do I not want to be one of them, I can't be. To have a chance of navigating the world in a completely new living situation as a transgender women, I found again I better get to work increasing my presentation skill level. Think of it this way, I have to look better and not look like I'm trying. All the time.  I'm not whining though, I knew  this is what I signed up for. Just have to get used to it.

Perhaps you noticed I wrote "in a completely new living situation."  What I mean is, for the last week or so, I have been totally and completely full time.  To me, I became more than a little intimidated especially following the gender slur in the tavern last week.  Dare I say, it took me a couple days to get my "swagger" back.  Swagger (attitude) to me is at least 70% of presentation but I also did what most other genetic women would do, I started to work on my makeup basics again.
I'm happy to say, I'm reclaiming my equilibrium and making major strides towards moving in with my girlfriend-who for the record, rejects any of my remaining maleness and has not kicked me out yet for any number of my personality issues I have listed here in the "Condo".  In fact, when we visited her Dad in the hospital last night (he is getting better) the nurse said "you ladies have a good night" to us as she left the room.  Music to my ears!

So I guess the future is now and the wall is part of it.  As with any climbing experience, slips and slides do occur and that is just part of the process.  It's a good thing I don't wear heels often, I need all the climbing help I can get!

Cyrsti's Condo "Woman of the Day"

Amiyah Scott, born 'Arthur Scott', photoed as both right. Rumored to have dated several high profile rappers, singers [to allegedly include Trey Songz] & athletes, Amiyah is the official 'it' girl transgender on the scene.   

A Transgender Journey to Discovery

This video shows the torment young transgender women go through and the steps taken to try to "relieve" the problem.  Don't expect an "amazing" transition here...expect reality.  Check it out for yourself on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen:

We Got Mail!

Mandy commented on my "not so pleasant" recent experience with three guys who called me a she male as well as making general obscene fools of themselves:

Sorry to hear of the issue you experienced... Yes, there are a bunch of nasty folks out there...and we all hope that their paths never cross ours. But the more we live our lives the way we want to, the greater that chance... I know my best efforts at presenting as a woman are still way "short of the mark" and anyhoo, I spend most of my time in androgynous mode. So I make an effort to steer clear of any venues where idle groups of inebriated males could exhibit "juvenile behavior" because of group courage. (Translation - bars and taverns.) Yes, I know - I miss a lot of fun times that way. But the benefit is, it sort of shields me from the less pleasant aspect of being transgender, which unfortunately is harassment. You absolutely did the right thing by leaving. I'd have done the same... But now, as you said, move on. Better days will come. Mandy

Thanks Mandy!  You are absolutely correct about  not putting yourself in the wrong spot at the wrong time as a transgender woman.  Genetic women are well versed in the potential problems! On the other hand, this situation surprised me because I had done my homework. I was with my girlfriend, in a place we were familiar with.  The clientele was older and mellow and the food in the place was good "pub food".  The mistake was we were there a little later than we had ever been there before.  The bottom line is though, we as transgender women can never be sure of possible public situations and have to be aware at all times.

For the sake of discussion, here are my rules of thumb in a possible confrontation:

1.-Size it up.  Is there a chance of a physical confrontation?
2.-Embarrassment? Am I at risk of embarrassing friends that are with me or a place that I have been welcomed in the past? The absolute last thing I want to happen is for them to be brought into a problem I caused. I'm a big girl in more ways than one.
3.-Education. Is it possible to educate my harassers and let them know what I'm doing is not just a "hobby"? I just don't go and throw on a dress as a lark.
4.-Leave with dignity and never let them know how badly they have hurt me.

The problem with these situations are, they are similar to quicksand. You can get in over your head before you know it and have to be so careful!

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl of the Day"

In honor of the "Victoria Secret" Fashion Show, here are a couple of future possibilities of the first transgender women models:
First,   Amelia Maltepe, a transsexual model from Toronto by way of Bangladesh.


And of course, Carmen Carrera, who is reportedly already set for an audition next year.

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl of the Day"

Kostantin Minarev, male androgynous model, stops by "the Condo"