"As I look back at my transition process in the early stages, one of the most difficult ideas to overcome was the idea that I made a good looking woman. All semantics aside, I don't think I ever had the power to make a woman. My problem was of course I was being compared to the man I was. Now before you may be thinking I'm being a total brat-hear me out.
First of all, I was truly lost. Sure the compliments would send me into vanity heaven for weeks but in truth the "buzz" was similar to what I experience when I eat a couple of my favorite cookies. The sugar high just turns into empty calories and is gone all too soon. Looking back of course I was searching for my true transgender feelings,. Deep down I knew my cross dressing was just a quick fix and refused to face it. Following up on my last post, I slowly but surely began to open my closet door. On occasion I did it the right way but other times I was terrible. I pulled some stunts on my wife I will always regret. On the positive side though I went out into the world as a woman by mutual agreement. We enjoyed enough of an income that I could take my clothes and makeup with me, get a motel room change and spend the day out and about. The absolute most stunning realization was I just couldn't do this as just a another faceless person in public. There had to be more.
Quickly I learned I had to interact with the public. Going back to the last post, these weren't the people at the cross dressing meetings I went to or the people at gay venues-these were strangers who expected some sort of response from me as a perceived woman or even trans woman. To make matters more complicated, these encounters were normally always different. An example would a stranger asking me for directions followed my a clerk asking me for my size. No matter how good or bad, big or small these public interactions were, I would take them home with me and build off of them. Also, before I forget to tell you all this was occurring over years.
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| My goal. My own hair this length, color and style |
Again and again my message to any of you who may be in the same spot I was in years ago is somehow, someway you have to find a way to try to live it. Who knows, if you do you may find you are content to be a cross dresser. As I continually stress there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you may be able to hold your life together and have fun with it.
The true tragedy comes when a person tries to take their gender identity too far. I know a person who went through SRS to simply become the best looking woman in the room but never grasped the "woman" part. I can only say no matter how tough this journey has been-it was the right one for me. It just feels right. When you begin to get there-you will know or won't. That's OK too. You just could be that man who "makes a good looking woman!"
