You would think I would be more aware of certain situations I encounter as a transgendered girl.
Before my session, I ended up waiting with a room full of men watching TV.
The television was turned to a soap opera. One guy looked at the others and said "there has to be something better on the television." One of the others said "turn the channel." I couldn't see it anyhow from where I was sitting and I was acting like I was really reading a magazine when yet another guy said "before you turn it, is she watching?" Relatively quickly, my inner self said Hey! I'm the only she in the room. Quickly I looked up from my magazine and shyly told them "No I wasn't watching, but thanks!" (More than they knew!)
Shortly the therapist came and she loved the story!
I also told her about the longest three minutes or so of my life as I waited with a group of ten or so patients, nurses and visitors at the main set of elevators. I couldn't make myself invisible so I tried to casually look disinterested in my surroundings. I'm fairly certain I looked at the directory sign about a hundred times! To my knowledge no one said a word or even noticed the transgendered girl dying inside!
As you all know I spend much of my life in the public eye as a girl and for the life of me I can't understand why this VA setting intimidates me so much.
My next visit corresponds with my birthday. What a great gift a letter would be and the mean old hospital may take on a different purpose!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Trip #2 In The Books.
I wish I could tell you the letter was mine from the VA psychologist approving me for hormone therapy.
No that didn't happen. Do I think it will? Yes and I will press the issue in our next visit. One of the biggest reasons I think I will get approval is how she said goodbye.
She made a really big point of calling me Cyrsti.
I believe during the session I settled two really big points she is concerned about.
I recounted the "tire" experience I posted a couple days ago. She wondered how I would have approached the situation as Cyrsti. I simply told her I realize the difference in how genders approach problems and I would have went to more of a please help other than a do it. In addition I recounted stories of how my late wife was such a great mentor if she meant to or not. Bottom line, I had to prove to her I know being female is more than the clothes.
We transitioned (ha ha) into how I just don't feel much fulfillment from my male life. My female life is filled with a new set of friends I enjoy immensely. I can just be more compassionate and grounded and feel more from the world. I mentioned to her and you I just feel out of place now in most settings as a guy.
Finally, she asked about financial ideas. I actually have several that I believe I can support my female life.
The hour seemed as if it went by in minutes and probably only contained 10 or 15 of key information.
I just hope the key's were clear enough to convince her and I think they will!
No that didn't happen. Do I think it will? Yes and I will press the issue in our next visit. One of the biggest reasons I think I will get approval is how she said goodbye.
She made a really big point of calling me Cyrsti.
I believe during the session I settled two really big points she is concerned about.
I recounted the "tire" experience I posted a couple days ago. She wondered how I would have approached the situation as Cyrsti. I simply told her I realize the difference in how genders approach problems and I would have went to more of a please help other than a do it. In addition I recounted stories of how my late wife was such a great mentor if she meant to or not. Bottom line, I had to prove to her I know being female is more than the clothes.
We transitioned (ha ha) into how I just don't feel much fulfillment from my male life. My female life is filled with a new set of friends I enjoy immensely. I can just be more compassionate and grounded and feel more from the world. I mentioned to her and you I just feel out of place now in most settings as a guy.
Finally, she asked about financial ideas. I actually have several that I believe I can support my female life.
The hour seemed as if it went by in minutes and probably only contained 10 or 15 of key information.
I just hope the key's were clear enough to convince her and I think they will!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Transgender Liberation
Trans Liberation is the belief that all people have the right to express
and define their own gender. Basically that drag queens/kings, gender
queer, transsexuals and cross dressers are sane human beings with worth.
Through education and better understanding of gender we can all be
liberated to be who we really are."
Transgender Validation?
We talked about my experience as a guy at the tire store this weekend. Of course I thought a lot about it. Especially since I have my second therapist appoitment coming up today.
I needed validation of my desire to be female. Were the feelings of warmth and contentment still there? What changes (if any) would there be dealing with the public?
Going to a place where validation and non validation has taken place in the past seemed to be a great idea. You have read my posts about my adventures on Tuesday's at a huge sports pub filled with a 20 to 40 something crowd. Tuesday is 2-dollar pint night with 64 drafts so the pub is the place to be in the area.
Last night was just wonderful. Not only was I accepted as a woman to the casual observer, I had to stand in line once in the women's room waiting for a stall. No problems.
All of that was well and good. The internal sensation was what I was really searching for.
The feelings of satisfaction and the realization I was at home with myself were the same.
I guess I reassured myself the brief macho me was only a return to a past I'm trying to put behind me.
Maybe I'm lucky he was there when I needed him...and leave it at that.
I needed validation of my desire to be female. Were the feelings of warmth and contentment still there? What changes (if any) would there be dealing with the public?
Going to a place where validation and non validation has taken place in the past seemed to be a great idea. You have read my posts about my adventures on Tuesday's at a huge sports pub filled with a 20 to 40 something crowd. Tuesday is 2-dollar pint night with 64 drafts so the pub is the place to be in the area.
Last night was just wonderful. Not only was I accepted as a woman to the casual observer, I had to stand in line once in the women's room waiting for a stall. No problems.
All of that was well and good. The internal sensation was what I was really searching for.
The feelings of satisfaction and the realization I was at home with myself were the same.
I guess I reassured myself the brief macho me was only a return to a past I'm trying to put behind me.
Maybe I'm lucky he was there when I needed him...and leave it at that.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Fall Pleasures!
Cool crisp fall mornings. Leaves changing to bright oranges and reds. Pumpkins appearing on porches and in brown harvested fields.
All cherished visions and memories of fall in my part of the world.
Memories made all so much special by the soft swell of my breasts in a fuzzy warm sweater and tight jeans tucked into a new pair of boots.
It's time to pull the black leather coat out of the closet and softly fluff my hair down my back.
All welcome memories of fall on a cool crisp morning as a friend of mine and I head to one of many fall festivals!
All cherished visions and memories of fall in my part of the world.
Memories made all so much special by the soft swell of my breasts in a fuzzy warm sweater and tight jeans tucked into a new pair of boots.
It's time to pull the black leather coat out of the closet and softly fluff my hair down my back.
All welcome memories of fall on a cool crisp morning as a friend of mine and I head to one of many fall festivals!
Transgender Therapy Session Two!
Time flies faster when you are transgendered? I'm sure it doesn't but it does seem like yesterday (2 weeks ago) when I sat down with a therapist to discuss the possibility of starting hormones. Since I've been into "label-mania" lately, I wonder if she will be too on my next visit? Will she want to discuss the 3 "Big T's"? (Transgendered,Transsexual or Transvestite)
I have no idea. I was at a total loss what the first session would be and a bigger loss for this one.
If I was a guessing girl, the first session was about talking about me and the second could be the therapist asking about me.
If indeed she writes a letter recommending hormone therapy wouldn't she want to know which of the "3 T's" I would fit?
Yet another question would be how many sessions should I expect. Several of you readers with more experience in this area have told me to expect 3 or even more sessions and that's fine.
It is very difficult for me not to look too far ahead. Focusing on each session and not selling myself should be my main focus. This is not a job interview. I just need to be me and I am. It's just that all of this is something I want badly and I'm afraid trying too hard could ruin it all.
The best part is? Session two is only a day and a half away!
I have no idea. I was at a total loss what the first session would be and a bigger loss for this one.
If I was a guessing girl, the first session was about talking about me and the second could be the therapist asking about me.
If indeed she writes a letter recommending hormone therapy wouldn't she want to know which of the "3 T's" I would fit?
Yet another question would be how many sessions should I expect. Several of you readers with more experience in this area have told me to expect 3 or even more sessions and that's fine.
It is very difficult for me not to look too far ahead. Focusing on each session and not selling myself should be my main focus. This is not a job interview. I just need to be me and I am. It's just that all of this is something I want badly and I'm afraid trying too hard could ruin it all.
The best part is? Session two is only a day and a half away!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Out of the Closet.
I brought him out of the closet, dusted him off and used him.
Did he care? Probably not because he was me.
During my tire dilemma Saturday, I had to play macho as completely as I had in years to get some service in the shop I was in.
Interestingly enough it felt so strange to have to do that again.
I learned again what I had always taken for granted, my eyes go far in communication as a girl or a guy. They were instrumental in staring down one of the big burly workers in the shop and getting him motivated to help me.
I can't tell you I feel guilty about pulling my guy out of the closet but he sure was convenient!
Surely the situation this weekend proves I will miss parts of him when he's gone.
The same as any separation?
Did he care? Probably not because he was me.
During my tire dilemma Saturday, I had to play macho as completely as I had in years to get some service in the shop I was in.
Interestingly enough it felt so strange to have to do that again.
I learned again what I had always taken for granted, my eyes go far in communication as a girl or a guy. They were instrumental in staring down one of the big burly workers in the shop and getting him motivated to help me.
I can't tell you I feel guilty about pulling my guy out of the closet but he sure was convenient!
Surely the situation this weekend proves I will miss parts of him when he's gone.
The same as any separation?
Sisters Of The Trangendered Cloth?
Saturday night I experienced an epiphany of sorts.
You have probably seen or read some of the recent "flim flam" rhetoric tossed about concerning transsexual and transgendered folks. How insane the rhetoric is became clearer again this weekend.
My "epiphany" on the subject didn't really involve either the transgender or transsexual camp but was more directed to drag queens on one end of the spectrum and cis-women on the other.
I have written a number of times of how I really don't frequent gay venues...except for an occasional drag show.
The exception was Saturday when a female friend and I went to a bar and show.
The experience was her first and she was fascinated about how good the performers looked. She even thought some looked better than her. I told her she was right "the best looking women in the room were men!" Some were better looking than all of us put together!
I have felt for years I had very little in common with my "drag queen" sisters. However, as I sat between a "real" female and a few wonderful copies, the realization of how similar and different I am started to set in.
I dislike dealing in assumptions but I assume most queens are gay and I don't identify gay. I assume most of the real women I know have a different outlook on the world as me.
Strangely the more I felt apart from the two sides, I began to feel a kinship.
We really are all sisters of the cloth. Women, transgendered or gay queen...we all feel a certain amount of discrimination from society. We all feel a deeper emotional attachment about how we appear to society. Some would argue we all are the emotional beings in our society.
As we sat and watched one of the black performers in a beautiful flowing gown and a stunning matching hat; we thought of how the performer must have felt growing up around older black women and their hats. We took it a step further and spoke of the influence both of us obviously felt from the women around us as we were growing up. The more we are different, the more we are the same it seems.
Like it or not, more and more of us are proudly or tentatively out in the world. As I walked though the restaurant with my friend before the show, sure we got some looks. Hers were complimentary (she more gorgeous than she knows) and mine more quizzical. (I will have another post on a real educational weekend experience!)
I have accepted the fact I am an educator. A"Chaz Bono" on a tiny scale. The performers that night were educators too. I'm sure my friend wasn't the only "first timer" in the room watching men becoming women.
Life is truly a circle. From the queens entertaining as beautiful females to the female beside me entranced with the whole experience, I was firmly in the middle. I did feel a real attraction to both. More attraction than I feel to the "dueling" transgender camps. I know it is human nature to quarrel and nit pick over the smallest things.
When mere labels and the such occupy so much of our time it is time to step back and look at ourselves as a group.
Who cares if "Virgina Prince" did coin the transgender term first? REALLY?
If we all go down that road aren't we losing the essence of a nurturing accepting true woman?
Maybe we all need to spend a night out together.
You have probably seen or read some of the recent "flim flam" rhetoric tossed about concerning transsexual and transgendered folks. How insane the rhetoric is became clearer again this weekend.
My "epiphany" on the subject didn't really involve either the transgender or transsexual camp but was more directed to drag queens on one end of the spectrum and cis-women on the other.
I have written a number of times of how I really don't frequent gay venues...except for an occasional drag show.
The exception was Saturday when a female friend and I went to a bar and show.
The experience was her first and she was fascinated about how good the performers looked. She even thought some looked better than her. I told her she was right "the best looking women in the room were men!" Some were better looking than all of us put together!
I have felt for years I had very little in common with my "drag queen" sisters. However, as I sat between a "real" female and a few wonderful copies, the realization of how similar and different I am started to set in.
I dislike dealing in assumptions but I assume most queens are gay and I don't identify gay. I assume most of the real women I know have a different outlook on the world as me.
Strangely the more I felt apart from the two sides, I began to feel a kinship.
We really are all sisters of the cloth. Women, transgendered or gay queen...we all feel a certain amount of discrimination from society. We all feel a deeper emotional attachment about how we appear to society. Some would argue we all are the emotional beings in our society.
As we sat and watched one of the black performers in a beautiful flowing gown and a stunning matching hat; we thought of how the performer must have felt growing up around older black women and their hats. We took it a step further and spoke of the influence both of us obviously felt from the women around us as we were growing up. The more we are different, the more we are the same it seems.
Like it or not, more and more of us are proudly or tentatively out in the world. As I walked though the restaurant with my friend before the show, sure we got some looks. Hers were complimentary (she more gorgeous than she knows) and mine more quizzical. (I will have another post on a real educational weekend experience!)
I have accepted the fact I am an educator. A"Chaz Bono" on a tiny scale. The performers that night were educators too. I'm sure my friend wasn't the only "first timer" in the room watching men becoming women.
Life is truly a circle. From the queens entertaining as beautiful females to the female beside me entranced with the whole experience, I was firmly in the middle. I did feel a real attraction to both. More attraction than I feel to the "dueling" transgender camps. I know it is human nature to quarrel and nit pick over the smallest things.
When mere labels and the such occupy so much of our time it is time to step back and look at ourselves as a group.
Who cares if "Virgina Prince" did coin the transgender term first? REALLY?
If we all go down that road aren't we losing the essence of a nurturing accepting true woman?
Maybe we all need to spend a night out together.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
She's Baaack! My Little Transgendered World Was Busy!
Wow! It seems like I've been gone for months. During my short absence, life hasn't been too exotic. Transgender or not however, it never was boring!
This weekend was no exception and it all started on Friday night.
I have two dear friends who are long haul truckers and literally about every four months or so they will swing back through the area. They made a home stop and called and asked if I could come over to dinner. In addition to the pleasure of seeing them again, the thought of a home cooked dinner was very appealing!
(Yes, I do know how to cook and was told more than once "I would make someone a good wife someday". If they only knew!!!)
When I got home from work and changed genders, I was really looking forward to the evening and BAM! A flat tire. Not a small one that could fixed with a "fix it flat" can. A nuclear explosion had taken place in one of my tires.
Well I had a couple of problems. First and foremost, I can blame my guy self for not finding another spare when the first one got stolen. You are right. No spare.
Number two, I wasn't quite dressed for changing a tire in the dark I'm not a "girly girl" but again I wasn't dressed to "wrestle" a tire.
The silver lining to all of this is? I was close enough fill the tire with "purchased air" from a gas station and get to their house.
I was agitated of course. I do have a membership to a certain large car club which gets me a free tow. BUT my experiences with tow truck drivers have ranged from great to the greatest degradation I have experienced ever!
Here is the most wonderful part of the whole experience. Not only did my friends feed me, they let me borrow their vehicle to get back and forth to home to get a new tire in the morning. Plus cooked me breakfast! Wow! So nice!
I gave them the blog address and hopefully where ever you two are in the country right now, you can read my public thank you! You are the best!
More on the weekend is coming up! Stay tuned to the same "trans" channel.
**Any posts I write in the blog are about my life as Cysrti. While it is true I think more and more as Cyrsti internally. I still do have a male life. When he enters the scene, I will tell you! Otherwise I am interacting with the world as her.
Something else I don't particuarlly like is pointing out all the genders and sexual preferences of many of the people I interact with but feel it is neccessary . I feel if I don't , much of what I'm trying to write will lose some of it's mening.
This weekend was no exception and it all started on Friday night.
I have two dear friends who are long haul truckers and literally about every four months or so they will swing back through the area. They made a home stop and called and asked if I could come over to dinner. In addition to the pleasure of seeing them again, the thought of a home cooked dinner was very appealing!
(Yes, I do know how to cook and was told more than once "I would make someone a good wife someday". If they only knew!!!)
When I got home from work and changed genders, I was really looking forward to the evening and BAM! A flat tire. Not a small one that could fixed with a "fix it flat" can. A nuclear explosion had taken place in one of my tires.
Well I had a couple of problems. First and foremost, I can blame my guy self for not finding another spare when the first one got stolen. You are right. No spare.
Number two, I wasn't quite dressed for changing a tire in the dark I'm not a "girly girl" but again I wasn't dressed to "wrestle" a tire.
The silver lining to all of this is? I was close enough fill the tire with "purchased air" from a gas station and get to their house.
I was agitated of course. I do have a membership to a certain large car club which gets me a free tow. BUT my experiences with tow truck drivers have ranged from great to the greatest degradation I have experienced ever!
Here is the most wonderful part of the whole experience. Not only did my friends feed me, they let me borrow their vehicle to get back and forth to home to get a new tire in the morning. Plus cooked me breakfast! Wow! So nice!
I gave them the blog address and hopefully where ever you two are in the country right now, you can read my public thank you! You are the best!
More on the weekend is coming up! Stay tuned to the same "trans" channel.
**Any posts I write in the blog are about my life as Cysrti. While it is true I think more and more as Cyrsti internally. I still do have a male life. When he enters the scene, I will tell you! Otherwise I am interacting with the world as her.
Something else I don't particuarlly like is pointing out all the genders and sexual preferences of many of the people I interact with but feel it is neccessary . I feel if I don't , much of what I'm trying to write will lose some of it's mening.
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