Walton Goggins

From the 2016 television series Sons of Anarchy, here is Walton Goggins playing a prostitute:

 

A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

In these days of quarantine, I am always on the outlook for interesting transgender ideas and/or posts. Recently, I came across a post from a woman concerning a transgender woman she encountered when her trans daughter came out. At first I thought her "Wolf's" term was about her but it turned out it was more about her daughter's mentor being a totally "out, loud and proud" person. 

Then I thought of the deodorant commercial with the woman in the long sexy blue dress who was portrayed as being fierce and feminine. After seeing the commercial several times, I began to think of what ways the woman on the television related to me and other transgender women in the community. As it turned out, the Wolf in Sheep's Clothing comment fit perfectly. 

In order to survive in many settings, we trans women have to be as much of the wolf as the sexy woman on the commercial and the attractive mother of the trans child. A perfect example was my former hair dresser who was flat out gorgeous, was a fierce ally of the trans community and also was the mother of a trans child. Along the way, she inspired me to be more fierce in my own way. 

Since I am increasingly a stealth trans woman, it is increasingly difficult for me to be fierce. After all, I am not going to the market these days (the only place I am allowed to go) and stand up and shout "Hey! I'm trans...anybody have a problem with it???" These days to me, I feel much more of a need to be fierce when I encounter my regulars on social media or even here on the blog. Examples include, two friends I have, plus another acquaintance or two who operate on a self hurt spectrum. In other words, they border on suicide. Anytime I can, I try in my own limited way to offer any soothing words or thoughts I can.

Plus, when the world begins to open up again, I have committed myself to providing whatever knowledge I can to nursing home and/or assisted living senior centers in the area. I feel at my age, I can be very fierce when it comes to something which could influence me in the future. 

Being fierce, resides in your mind and can manifest every morning when you get up. Sometimes it can be very private and sometimes when you need it, a force to be encountered with.  

Memories

At my age and during this quarantine, I find myself trying to remember more of the "back in the day" memories of when I was living through my first days of actually trying to live in a feminine world. Today, I am wondering what in the world some of the people I encountered thought of me. For this post, two small lesbian bars I used to frequent are coming to mind. 

I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo about both of the bars and how they were similar but yet different. One was more friendly and the other not so much since it was very much a lesbian biker style bar. I am sure the people I repeatedly saw in there went from a what the hell, to why does a person such as me even want to come in there to start with, to finally giving me a begrudging acceptance. In the end, I am sure they weren't sorry to see me move on to other challenges. And, a challenge is just what it was. 

The other bar was much more mellow and accepting. In fact, one of the bartenders knew me as my male self too. I enjoyed the time I spent being able to drink a few beers and chat with the bartender. It was in this bar, I was forced to sing karaoke with a very butch lesbian in boots with a cowboy hat. I am sure, in the dark bar, in my jeans, boots and long blond hair I looked like the perfect conquest for a super butch. As my bartender friend smirked, indeed I did sing the only song I knew. To put it mildly, I can't sing as a girl or a guy, so as soon as the song was over I bolted for the bar. Paid my tab and took off. I often wonder what "Cowboy" woman thought after I left and I never found out either. I never saw her again when I went back and nobody in the bar seemed to know who she was. Who knows? She may have changed my perspective on life :). As time and life moved on, both of the bars closed and I was forced to find other places to entertain myself. 

Other places were not so difficult to find I learned. As most of you condo regulars know, I spent way too much time in the larger commercial chain bar/restaurants. It was way too easy to find a spot and become a regular. After all, I was very different, tipped well and minded my own business. The only potential problems I ever ran into back in those days was using my rest room of choice and getting home before my wife did as she closed the big book store she managed. 

All in all, it was a crazy time in my life, mostly caused by my desire to chase my gender dysphoria. I learned quite a bit of positives and for the most part have forgotten most of the negatives. Isn't that what old age is all about?

Internalized Transphobia?

Internalized trans phobia is often a difficult subject. In many cases I relate it to how we treat each other as a transgender person. As we all know, for whatever reason, it is not the best. Unfortunately, it seems the ravages of transition has left persons deeply flawed. Or they simply were before their changes took place. The only place anymore I interact with another transgender person is the occasional cross dresser - transgender meeting I now attend by Zoom. Or, through comments here on the blog. I do my best to remember why I started this blog. It was to provide any help I could to anybody.  I am so fortunate to be able to say, over the years I have received very few transphobic comments to respond to. My favorite continues to be someone who wrote in and told me I was just another old guy on hormones. 

Looking back on other instances of transphobia in my life came from the site where it turns out I met up with Connie and Marcia for the first time. There was a person who lived relatively close to me here in Southern Ohio who I thought might be interesting to know. My ideas came to a screeching halt when all I found she had to talk about was her former law practice and all the operations she had endured. Obviously, it was clear early I didn't meet her standards of being transgender. Even at a point when I was desperately trying to find my new self, it was obvious she wasn't the answer.  

For a more in depth look at how trans phobia can work within a person, let's take a look at how Connie perceives it:

"I know that I am retaining some internal transphobia. It is the reason that I am now working as an hourly employee instead of running my own business, as I did most of my working life. I know how difficult it is to grow a business, in the best of circumstances, but being rejected by a potential customer or client because of my "transness" would be stifling. I've had it happen to me once, and I am too afraid to put myself in that position again. Not closing the deal for any other reason, such as a high bid, can be hard enough to accept, but that's a reflection on my business skills - not on myself for who I am. Unfortunately, being a transgender woman is not on the list of "secrets to success for starting your small business." I have, pretty much, taken the route of going stealth (in the traditional sense; not as I see many people using it as a term simply for not coming out). I mainly just go quietly about my life, and I try to avoid putting myself into situations where my being trans has anything to do with what I'm doing. I see myself as a woman who happens to be trans, rather than a trans woman, which helps to keep my internalized transphobia at bay. Having nothing to do with the current virus lockdown, it's been a very long time since I've had a face-to-face meeting with another trans person. It's so difficult to not start a discussion about trans issues with another trans person, and I've often walked away from an encounter with another trans person asking myself why we didn't simply talk about something else - just as we would have with a cis person. Sure, it's what we have in common, but it's not the only thing. In fact, I remember having a discussion about that very thing with a trans woman! That, I think, is partly out of some transphobia. Even the time I spend reading and responding to blogs is partially a response to my own phobia. It's as though I need to defend myself or make some sort of explanation. I keep telling myself that what I write may be of help to someone else, though; maybe even right now (?)".

Great point...thanks!

More Growth

As a few of you may know, I share the Cyrsti's Condo blog content over several different social media or blogging platforms. I have decided to share this well thought out and wonderful comment from Jen concerning the "There is no Growth without Change" post from one of the other platforms:

"What a hard time it had to be when you had these earlier experiences of your journey. I’m glad you had the courage and took the chances of making those first purchases. If not, by letting that fear hold you down, you probably would have struggled by not getting to live your life to its fullest and be who you are today. Also, that question probably would have always haunted you, “What if..”

Now days, I know its not completely 100% accepted by society to dress and live as we wish. However, this generation has help along the way with things such as support groups, internet tutorials, television and with the lifestyle starting to be more common. (though we still have a long road ahead) What I’m saying is the gratitude for you, my beautiful friend and others that have taken on the hard part to pave the road to our future generations. I know for a fact that suicide can be a factor in the torment that one suffers just to live as who they are. I lost a dear friend to this. My friend was humiliated and publicly found out of his lifestyle. It affected his job and when his mother found out, he couldnt take the pain of the disappointment that he felt he put on her. My heart still to this day breaks. It shouldn’t have been that way. He wasn’t hurting anyone yet the stones were cast until it finally took his life.

I am so very grateful for the road that is being paved for the generations to come. So hopefully people will not have to live secretly having the fear of rejection, cruelty, guilt and disappointment of this world come at them, trying and tear them down. This road is being paved by you and others that have opened up and share their stories that I hope will reach the one feeling alone and feeling as though they have no choice and have to live a miserable life in hiding or even implicating suicide. Thank you. By discussing these things and others being open minded, it may save the one who’s suffering by this world being able to accept and not discriminate.
That very person may come across this blog and find the support and encouragement they need to live and not only to live, but to live the life they want and know that they are not alone. Thank you for sharing. "

Thanks to you for commenting!