If You can see it You Can be It

 

Image from Trans Ohio party JJ Hart.

Long ago, when I first glimpsed myself in the mirror as a feminine person, very soon I realized just seeing myself was not enough, I wanted to be the girl I was watching. 

In the classic if I had known then what I know now, I would have known then I was less of a cross dresser and more of a transgender woman. Way before the term transgender was ever used. Now more than ever before, it is time for us to blend in with the public at large as transgender women or trans men. We just have to be better and better.

Fortunately, I had years of preparation to be ready to face the world. Since I had plenty of testosterone poisoning to overcome, there was work to be done and I needed the courage to do it. Along the way, I viewed the whole process as stairsteps towards what I perceived as an impossible dream of transgender womanhood. Facing the world with confidence was my biggest problem. Every time I took a positive step forward when I went out in the world as a novice transgender woman, it seemed then I faced several steps back. When I was on point with my fashion and makeup, I lost it with my voice. Or vice versa on other days when I caught myself slipping back into my old male ways and walking like a linebacker. Adding to my problems was I was still trying to maintain a life stuck between the two main binary genders which made my existence even more difficult. I needed to consciously think all of the time which gender I was dealing with the world as. I was in.

Very slowly, I worked through this phase of my life and found women friends who I could learn from. I learned I could relax with them while at the same time learning how it was in woman only spaces. At the time, when I looked in the mirror, I was seeing it and being it which felt wonderful and so natural I knew I was in the right place. For the first time in my life, I thought my dream of leading a feminine life could be realized.  

Through it all, I still needed to work on my makeup and fashion skills to blend in with what my lesbian friends were wearing. It was a challenge because I needed to look as if I was not wearing any makeup at all when I was. I needed to work harder than the average woman to succeed in the world. By this time, I was used to it and worked hard to instill confidence in what I was doing with my gender goals since there was so much at stake. I was playing a high risk game with my life. Was the grass really greener on the other side of the gender border. 

I found out indeed the grass was greener but often not so easy to enjoy. I met more than a few women who did not want me in their world and did not hold back on their dislike for me. When they did, I needed to quickly pull the knife out of my back, smile and move on to friendlier situations. 

By this time, I was so close to seeing my dream goal of transgender womanhood, I pushed on even harder. I started gender affirming hormones with my doctor's approval. When I did, the changes came quickly and naturally as my body adapted to the new feminine hormones. Predictable changes such as hair and breast growth were quickly proceeded by inner changes with emotions as my life suddenly became softer. With my softer skin my facial changes were fairly dramatic and I knew then I could see it and be it.

As with any other long journey, you wonder was it worth the time and effort. With me the trip from the mirror into the world and beyond was just finding my true self. 

A Day at the Coffee Shop

 

Transgender Outreach Image
University of Cincinnati. JJ Hart

My first meeting with the Pulitzer prize winning television journalist lasted nearly two hours and went well I think. 

Of course with the new current state of affairs we are dealing with in the transgender world, I was a little nervous. Ironically, my nerves were settled a bit when another customer stepped forward and purchased my coffee. While I am positive he was not overwhelmed by my beauty, perhaps in his own way he was supporting the transgender community. Regardless the journalist arrived and we began the interview, nerves and all.

Looking back at the time we spent, it is rather difficult to sort out all the details. In no real specific order we began discussing my work with the Cincinnati's Alzheimer's diversity council and how I became involved. It turned out the network I developed with the statewide (Ohio) article I did for the "Buckeye Flame" issue which was read by the journalist and he wanted to know more. That is where the meeting today came in.

Along the way, we covered almost all my life and how I arrived at the place I am today and of course what the election meant to me. I did mention I was surprised a television station would want to do an interview with a transgender woman after all we had just gone through. Essentially, he responded he liked doing stories outside of the ordinary and we started to go through my life I quickly centered the conversation on the fact I had led a fairly normal life for someone of my generation. I grew up playing football, graduated with two degrees and had served my time in the military with the American Forces Radio and Television Service. 

All of the time I served in all the different capacities of my life have led me to believe I am not much different than any other transgender person. As our lives pass us by we acquire family, friends and occupations we need to get and then need to get rid of as we change. The point I was trying to get across was we trans folk are really not that much different than anybody else and certainly not the monsters the election set us up to be.

We ended the interview with another appointment for him to join me for an upcoming walk when I sometimes come up with ideas to write about daily. 

It was an exciting day and I am looking forward to more outreach if I can do some good.   

I am Back

 

What greeted me this morning on "Femulate:

After much thought, I have decided to return today with another post. If you are not aware, the gold standard of transgender blogs "Femulate" has decided to go "dark" after yesterdays' devastating election results. 

One of the main reasons I have decided to go on is a message I received from my transgender grand-child yesterday when they said thanks for supporting them and thanks for being me. When I received the note, I knew there was no way I was going back. 

Essentially, Stana at Femulate said she did not want to encourage anyone to enter a dangerous world and get injured. That has been one of my thought patterns also and need to repeat my usual warning: Just because I took certain risks when I was learning to be my authentic feminine self, does not necessarily you should too. Everyone of us faces different paths to transgender womanhood. So be careful.

Plus I can not say it enough, I have been so fortunate to have met and married a very supportive ally in  my wife Liz. Ironically too, I still have the outreach interview scheduled with a television reporter tomorrow on the topic of Alzheimer's care for elderly LGBTQ adults which is my passion. It will be interesting to see how it goes.   

One thing is for sure, transgender women and trans men are NOT going away, we have been part of society forever. In my life, I have just laid out one path of many to achieve a very certain dream or goal and I  have always written to my truth.

Following a lot of thought, I will continue attempting to build around a theme that takes us to a point our gender transitions involve so much more than clothes and fashion. Our unique paths to trans womanhood run deep and can not be taken away.