Never Going Back

Archive image. Liz on left.

Once I started down the road to living my dream as a transgender woman, I found I could never go back.

I am sure it all started the first time I viewed myself in my Mom's clothes and makeup in the mirror so many years ago. All I knew was something clicked inside me and I enjoyed the process immensely and couldn't wait to do it again. Going back to my male self became increasingly difficult. 

It stayed a problem the older I became as I began to be better with the makeup and fashion choices I could find. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I was young to get rid of the hated hair which came along with my unwanted puberty into a testosterone poisoned body. Still I persisted living a secret yet powerful life in the mirror as a girl. Through my often clownish makeup, I could still see my authentic feminine self peeking at me and I loved her. 

Over the years, practice made perfect and in many ways I was able to cover up my male body and present well enough as a woman to try out the world. Even though I took many bumps and bruises along the way, I persisted and small victories helped me to want to never return to the male life I never really wanted. Every now and then I was able to be successful in the world as a novice cross dresser. Still not understanding I was so much more than wanting to just look like a woman. I wanted to be a woman. Cross dressing was a welcome bridge to getting me to the big picture of my life, my desire to be a trans woman. Once I came to the point of wondering just where I fit in with my big picture in life, then I needed to see if I could make all the needed sacrifices to get there. All of my "secret" adventures as a transgender woman could cost me all I had worked so hard on in my male life. If discovered, I could lose my marriage, family, friends and jobs. As you can tell, a lot to be considered.  

During that time, destiny kept setting in and deep down kept telling me I could achieve my ultimate gender dream. Every blind corner I turned and every step I climbed on my path was showing me the way as I carved out a new life as a transgender woman. All of a sudden, my doubts started to disappear I was succeeding more and more when I sought to flip my male life to female. I even began to go to the same venues I went to as a guy with little to no problems. When I did, deep down I was terrified of losing my life as I knew it but on the other hand, I knew I was never going back. There was no way.

By the time I decided I was never going back, my decision was made so much easier by several things. Including unconditional acceptance by my daughter, the very few friends I had passing away and not having a job to worry about (since I was able to retire) made my decision so much easier. Even my very stubborn old male self could see no future and he faded away as I took the final steps to completing my gender transition. I even was able to solve my marital situation the hard way when my un-approving second wife passed away and I unexpectedly became involved with a very supportive third wife who loves me for who I am. 

I believe pushing forward and never quitting was something I learned from my parents. I am sure they would have never envisioned their teachings turning out this way with me.

Stuck on Me

 

Image from Monika Kozub'
on UnSplash

My second wife used to be fond of telling me, my gender issues were all about me.

Looking back, I think she was right. In so many ways I was single handily attempting to cross the gender frontier with no help from anyone else, including hers. Among many other things, she just did not care for my inner feminine self. She always called me the "pretty, pretty princess." Even though the comment always hurt my feelings, I knew I was too immersed in my appearance and then lacked the actual experiences in the life of a woman to prove her wrong. Plus, I was selfish in my pursuit of a better feminine cross dressed experience. Not to say very frustrated when I was only getting out into the world very infrequently to explore and learn to explore what she was talking about. Just going out on Halloween and very infrequent transvestite mixers was not enough to relieve my gender tension or dysphoria. 

Since she passed several years ago, I will never know for sure but I think she never did want me to survive as a transgender woman and return to my full-time male self. I know I came off as being selfish and I was. I couldn't wait for the next time I could cross dress as my authentic self who at the time was really learning how an intense a time it was going to be. It was an incredible time in my life of learning and I was extremely disappointed my wife could not or would not come along. On the other hand I understood when she told me she never signed up to live with another woman, which I could not disagree with. I was stuck between my transgender rock and the hard place many trans people find themselves in. Either discontinue my gender journey I was on to become a transgender woman or at the same time I give up on my twenty five year marriage.  To a woman I loved very much. 

Along the way, I learned I was so much more than the "pretty, pretty princess." I am sure if my wife had lived, sooner or later I would have had to follow my true gender path and we would have needed to separate. My fondest desire is we still could have remained friends and she would have liked the new feminine person I became. After I paid my dues.  As it was, when she passed so unexpectedly, she left me on my own. Which meant relying on the gender basics I had come to trust over the years. It was then, there was nothing holding me back to going forward towards a gender transition. Even as stubborn as my male self was, he finally gave up the effort to maintain his place in the world.

So once again I was stuck on me and this time, it was the true me. The me I always dreamed of becoming with the help of my wife Liz and other lesbian women friends I had made. When I gave of myself, they gave it back to me. So, in many ways, I was stuck on them. There was no more princess in my future. I had paid my dues and applied to play in the girls' sandbox. Even though there were plenty of times I had sand thrown at me or suffered claw marks, I survived and earned my right to be there. At my age (sixty-ish), I thought I was too old to start over again but found out I was not. 

Through the miracle of gender affirming hormones and life experiences, I was able to reboot my life and live a dream I never thought possible. I guess you could say I became stuck on life. The princess was gone and she was replaced by a secure public transgender woman. Buh-bye!

Procrastination

From the archives.
JJ Hart

I am well versed in most areas of procrastination. 

After all, I have spent most of my long life procrastinating as a transgender woman. Recently, I received the inevitable question of why I waited so long in my life to finally tackle my gender issues and transition. Even my daughter who has displayed the ultimate in acceptance in my transition over the years (and has a transgender child) shyly questioned me one day about if I had always known I was trans. With very little thought, I answered I had always known but I did not tell her how long I procrastinated doing anything about it.

One of my excuses has been times change over the years and the late fifties and early to mid sixties were dark times for anyone with gender issues. In fact, I remember the stories I saw about the police rounding up any transvestite or gay men in paddy wagons and taken to jail in the pre-Stonewall revolutions in New York City. So, when I included a very non accepting family life, the period of time was not a good time for me to outwardly explore any gender issues. 

Another excuse I had for procrastinating my coming out and living as my authentic self for so long was I lived in the pre-internet dark ages. In fact, my wife Liz and I went shopping for a new computer for her. Long story short, I was intimidated and totally lost in the whole process, I faded into the background. Liz needed a specific type of computer for her art business and had researched the whole computer situation. The only thing I could do was later on compare her research to mine when it came to me even considering I was transgender. Plus I was pleased when the clerk, checking Liz out referred to me as "she".

As times changed and more and more information concerning gender issues became available, I changed too. But not to the point I was ready to accept the fact I wanted to do more than just look like a woman, a part of me was screaming I was a woman. Now I know some would argue there is no way I will ever be a woman and I argue back my mind tells me I am even though in between my legs tells me I am not. Even though I could not experience periods or being pregnant, I went through so many things cis woman could never conceive of doing. Even so, I still went against my inner feelings and procrastinated again and again that I was indeed transgender. 

Deep down, I knew the truth but kept putting off the fact I was trans and letting the pressure build on myself. Finally when I went out into the world, I knew I wasn't trying to fool anyone. I was just being myself. When I couldn't lie to myself any longer, on a magical evening I will never forget I faced an internal mirror and decided who was looking back at me. No longer was I am a victim of the world and I was done procrastinating. From that point forward, I decided to go all the way and move forward to explore my full potential as a transgender woman. Major moves were ahead and exciting yet terrifying such as the major impact of adding gender affirming hormones to my system. 

It wasn't until I was truthful to myself and decided to follow a feminine path which I should have followed years ago did I become happier than I ever thought possible. My mental health improved and I got off almost all of the alcohol I was so fond of. Procrastination was behind me and just do it became my theme.