Trying too Hard

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

As I was attempting to find my way in a new feminine world, I caught myself trying too hard to succeed. 

I tried too hard primarily when I tried to upgrade my presentation as a very serious cross dresser or novice transgender woman. The biggest problem I was having was, concentrating just on how I presented was the wrong path to take...if I took it too seriously. What I mean is, I needed to appear the best I could without going overboard and opening myself up to scorn or negative pushback. I was stubborn and held on to my hard earned previous ideas and took quite a while until I arrived at the point where I could blend in with other women close to my age. 

Now I wish I could have seen the light at the end of my gender tunnel was not the train and was actually a light which would shine bright on my future as a transgender woman. I just had to reach out and grab it if I had the courage. I was far from being any sort of a hero or role model, I was simply a person desperate to find herself and find my way down my gender path. It turned out, lessons I had previously learned in my male life came back to really help me. A prime example was my biggest lesson from Army basic training. A friend of mine who went through basic ahead of me said don't listen to drill sergeant threats and as soon as you got into shape there wasn't much else they could do to you. I connected the dots to the public scorn I received early on as a cross dresser. Once I recovered and learned what I did wrong, I could move on to be successful. 

At this point, defining success is important. Success to me became when I relaxed to the point where I could enjoy myself to a point. Often my male and female selves were fighting a serious battle for my soul. Of course my male self did not want to give up all the privileges he earned the hard way in a life he never really wanted. At the same time my strong feminine self was still wondering and waiting when her turn would come. It finally did work out for her and she didn't have to try too hard to enjoy it.

In fact, the whole time she was struggling to see the light, she was learning what she would need to do when her chance came. Now, life has come to her naturally and she is able to enjoy it. No more obsessing about what would happen next as far as her gender is concerned. Now fashion can be fun again and not so much of a chore wondering if everything works together. 

During the holidays, since my daughter has converted to Judaism, and my wife Liz is Wiccan, I don't have to try too hard anymore to find the perfect gift. 

On occasion, at my age, I think I have paid my dues primarily on my gender path. Now I can hope for the best as my life nears its end. Not being a pessimist, I am seventy four and no one lives forever and I consider myself fortunate to be one of the few humans to have experienced a life on both sides of the main binary genders.  

Merry Christmas

 

Christmas Party Image
My wife Liz on right.

Or should I say Happy Holidays to those of you who may prefer it. I am not particularly religious but deeply spiritual.   

No matter how you worship, or don't, hopefully, you were able to spend your day with family, adopted or not and find satisfaction. 

Now, it's time to say how deeply grateful I am to all of you who take the time to stop your day and browse my writings on whatever internet platform you choose.

Perhaps today also you can take the opportunity to pause all the drama which normally comes with the season and discover the blessings you may have. 

As I sit here watching the "Yule Log" on TV and getting my fill of Christmas music and I have my copy of "It's a Wonderful World" cued up (along with a Christmas Story) I'm ready to enjoy a mellow Christmas Day, thinking of you all.

 

 

I Wish

Ralphie from the
Christmas Story Movie...

 Christmas is perhaps the peak holiday of the year to wish for things you may never receive. 

I always thought my wish was the impossible dream . It was to wake up in  the morning and leave my old male self behind. If I had my way, which I never did, if anyone asked what I wanted as a gift. I wanted so badly to be gifted a doll or a toy kitchen to play with. I was so deeply hidden in my boy life, all I received as gifts were boy things such as BB Guns. If you are a fan of the movie "A Christmas Story" as I am, I was the direct opposite of the child star "Ralphie". In the movie, he wished and hoped for a "Daisy" BB Gun, which he finally received. I, on the other hand was gifted a Daisy and all I really got in return was shot in the arm by my brother. 

In those days, I did quite a bit of wishing I was a girl. When we went on vacation one year, I spent the boring times on the interstate highway looking for, then admiring teen girls in other cars. Especially a dark haired beauty I remember who I really wanted to be. I ended up putting my pillow over my head and existed somehow until we stopped the next time. In fact, my whole life was just existing until the next time I could sneak around and put on my feminine clothes. 

I don't know what I was thinking but I was never sure what my older years would be. The only certainty at the time was the likelihood I would have to serve time in the military because of the Vietnam War which seemingly was endless. I just knew my search to be my authentic self would have to be on hold at some point. I say search because I was never certain what the ultimate gender question with me would be. 

As I have detailed in several earlier posts, when the holiday shopping season turned out to eclipse Halloween as my favorite holiday. I learned so much about my feminine self during this time of the year while at the same time I was gifting others. The end result was I could indeed at least live a life as a transgender woman if I wanted to. All the wishing I had endured in my life could finally end and reality could set in. 

It all turned out I was gifting myself with the ultimate gift I ever could receive. Before you think such a gift was selfish, it was a desperately needed gift I needed to even survive. Attempting to live in a world I never wanted was killing me, literally.  It wasn't much longer when I decided to write about my life in the hope it could help others who may have gender issues. 

This Christmas, I hope you are able to celebrate the holiday as you see fit, religious or not. I know this is the most difficult time of the year when LGBTQ+ and primarily transgender individuals suffer. Too many of us have lost family (including me) for just being ourselves. Sadly, all I can really do is wish you the best and as always thanks so much for taking the time to stop by Cyrsti's Condo.