An Opportunity or Challenge

Image from Dylan McLeod 
on UnSplash

If you are similar to me and if you had a quarter for every time you heard a so called problem was no more than an opportunity to improve, you would be wealthy.

As I moved forward down my gender path, I found an increasing number of opportunities. As I mention often (or all the time), I had a difficult time adjusting to how I should try to present myself as a novice cross dresser. All outfits which included too short mini skirts or shorts were out. In place came a more conservative wardrobe which I found I could blend in with the other women I encountered. The challenge or opportunities I encountered were exciting yet terrifying. 

I had many firsts to deal with in my wide wonderful new feminine world. Many of the firsts I encountered, did not go smoothly and I went home sobbing. When I did, in the safety of my own home, I took ownership of the damages and attempted to build a plan to do better in the future. I went through every opportunity to improve such as better makeup, wigs and wardrobe as examples. I was very focused on the entire process. To the point, I had a difficult time when I still had to function as my old male self. I experienced a new challenge to stay in cross dressed mode when I flipped my gender script. Slowly but surely I was spending more physical time as my feminine self. It took me years to realize I was a woman cross dressing as a man. Not the opposite. 

Then, when I really started to seriously cross the gender frontier and deal one on one with the public, other opportunities or challenges became important. By this time, I was becoming very courageous in how I lived my life. I sought new venues to see if I would be challenged as a transgender woman. Some worked out and some didn't, so I crossed many off of the list. Many of the opportunities became challenges back in those days when I first began to seek access to women's restrooms. The whole process was an overall success with some notable failures when I had the police called on me. Still I persisted and earned my rest room privileges the hard way by learning the etiquette involved with using the women's room. Such as always looking other women in the eye, not putting my purse on the floor and pausing to wash my hands (no matter how much attention I was creating) among so many other nuances I was learning. To go into it all would entail a whole different blog post.

Another huge challenge or opportunity I faced was when I decided to begin gender affirming hormones, formerly HRT. There was no way I could anticipate the changes by body would go through. Both externally and internally as I was suddenly seeing the world in a softer version of it's former self. My sense of smell heightened and my thermostat changed as I became colder easier are just two examples. All in all, my body took to the changes easily and I felt as if I should made the change years before I did.

If I had utilized all the time and energy I needed to overcome the challenges of changing my gender and put the energy into my male self, how much farther could he have gone. The end result was so powerful, there was no way I could ever look back and change my reaction to anything.  

The Elephant in the Room

Halloween Girls Night Out
Kathy on left. 

Many times in my life I have felt as if I was the elephant in the room and it had nothing to do with my physical size. I was a pretty good sized man at around six foot tall and two hundred fifty pounds which kept the bullies away when I was younger so I wasn't a huge man.

All my problems began to surface in my unwanted male life when I went to family events and felt strangely out of place. As my male self I was the elephant in the room, or you could refer to it as the impostor syndrome. All along I was a woman pretending to be a man. 

As life went by and I had more experience presenting in the world as my authentic feminine self, I felt even more out of place at family events such as my brother's house. It was the place we always gathered for big sporting events with him (my only sibling) and his two sons. All was good until I started my hormone replacement therapy and started to appear decidedly more androgynous. Even then, before my breast growth started to happen along with me being able to grow my hair long, I was able to wear a loose fitting shirt and tie my hair back to still remain vaguely male. My last attempt "purging" my feminine self came approximately six months before my second wife unexpectedly passed away from a massive heart attack. 

As I "purged" I vowed to grow a beard which would make it technically impossible to go out dressed as a transgender woman and/or cross dresser. It worked and I was extremely unhappy but my macho cooks at least responded in a positive way, saying I looked more "masculine." Not a compliment I wanted to hear, 

One of the first things I did after my wife's death was shave off my beard and resume attempting to learn more and more how to live a feminine life. When I did, I learned my size could be dealt with and it had nothing to do with being the elephant in the room. In fact, during a couple of my initial girls nights out, one woman acquaintance in the group was even bigger in size than I was. I finally figured out it wasn't so much how much bigger than most women I knew, it was so much more important how I carried myself, as well how well my fashion sense blended with the other cis-women around me.  

However, there were many times when I still did feel like the elephant in the room, when it came to be invited to other girls nights outs. One night in particular comes to mind when I accepted an invite to go with a group of servers and bartenders to party one night at another close by venue. Even though I was warmly accepted in the group, I couldn't shake the idea I just did not come up to their level of attractiveness, which included size. I finally concluded there was nothing I could do about it, relaxed and had a good time. For the most part, they were surrounded by guys trying to pick them up so I very much just faded into the background anyway. 

As with anything else in life, a person has to take the good with the bad. In the long run, my body has provided me with a successful base to operate from. I was big enough and barely athletic enough to keep the bullies away and not too big and masculine I could not squeeze myself into women's fashions. I guess you can say, my elephant ran enough interference for me to get by until I could establish myself as a transgender woman. 

I was the elephant in the room and felt it on many occasions as a impostor man and a trans woman. I lived to tell the tale...so far. 

A HUGE Relief

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives 

What a huge relief it was when I finally decided I was living a lie barely surviving  as a male person. I remember the evening vividly when I made the decision years ago.

Even still, It took awhile for my male self to gave up and concede all along my feminine self was cross dressing as a man and not the opposite. His ploy was he was cross dressing as a woman to relieve stress or whatever the current excuse was,  because there were many. Such as was I just pursuing a fetish or some sort of a hobby such as golfing. Needless to say, in a short amount of time I discovered I had mush deeper issues when it came to dealing with my gender dysphoria. My desire to seek out the truth kept me searching for nearly fifty years.

The search also wrecked my fragile mental health along the path I was pursuing and I regularly sought out therapy for answers. On occasion, I felt better after visits with my therapist but overall my feelings never really improved. Mostly because I was not facing the truth I had always known but was afraid to face. I never was the man I pretended to be. 

Life became especially difficult for me when I grew older and friends, family and spouses began to pass away. When each death happened, it was like my feminine self was asking when was it going to be her turn to live before it was too late. Still I kept on searching, unwilling to totally give up on the male life I had built. Finally, when I was living my life torn between the two prime binary genders, it all became too much for me to bear. Either I needed to end it all and indulge in self harm or in a sense give up and do the right thing. Which was begin to live a full-time life as a transgender woman. What a HUGE relief it was. As I gave complete control to my inner woman, it was as if she had been watching and learning from the world the entire time I tried to hide her.

It turned out, all the days and nights I was so paranoid about facing the world turned out to be unfounded because I relaxed and let her take charge. The more my old male self stayed out of her way, the better she did. The prime example was appearance. She followed the basics of establishing a fashion sense which blended with other women around her and made life so much easier. The more she did, the more I wondered why I waited so long to give her control. 

Perhaps the biggest change was in my mental health. It improved so much, for the first time in years, I was able to leave my therapy behind. 

All in all I was fortunate in how I was able to transition into a new gender life as a trans woman. I already had a circle of supporting cis-woman friends who never knew much of the old male me, plus an accepting daughter and future wife who were pushing me forward into an authentic life.   I read of so many other transgender individuals who were not so lucky. I can never not give all my friends and family I often mention, enough credit for helping me to restart my life. The entire process of sliding down the male hill into a soft female landing was such a huge relief.