Gender Preview

 

Image from Edward Howell
on UnSplash

For nearly a half a century (sounds old!), I considered myself a cross dresser or transvestite as it was known back in those days. 

Depending upon the so-called dressing cycle I was going through at the time, I thought I was just pursuing a more or less innocent hobby, all the way to wondering if I had a more serious gender issue. The main problem I kept having was no matter how good I felt following my cross dressing, very soon I was back in my gender depression. I even considered for a time my wanting to be feminine was an addiction which would go away if I could fight it long enough. The fight just ended up in me "purging" or throwing away my feminine clothes and vowing to go totally male again. 

"Purging" is not a new concept in the novice transgender community and depending upon the individual  doesn't last very long. None of my "purges" lasted very long before I sought out the mental relief of dressing as a woman. During my time between "purges" I was still learning the basics of how I could enable myself to appear better when I approached my mirror. Slowly but surely over the years, I learned the basics of making myself up so I wouldn't appear so clownish. But, most importantly, I grew up in my wardrobe choices and away from trying to dress as a teen girl when I had the testosterone damaged body of a man. 

Slowly but surely I kept on going on my gender path until my ultimate goal began to come into focus. Once it did, it presented more issues than promises. It seemed all the time I worked so hard to present positively as a woman was working out. When it all came together and did, the question became then what. What if I could carve out a life as a transgender woman? Similar to several of the friends I found in the trans community. If they could make it, why couldn't I? Of course the answer wasn't that easy as I had family, friends and finances to consider. So, in the meantime, I kept treading water waiting to see what would happen with my gender future. The entire process almost pulled me under the water as I tried to exist in the middle of the two binary genders, male for three days and female for four. 

Following a suicide attempt, I knew I needed to choose a gender and my preview years came along to help me greatly. Early on, I was just basking in the glow of the mirror and experiencing gender euphoria for a short time. It was similar to the difference between lust and love in a new relationship. Once lust wears off, the true work of building a relationship begins. When I compared all of it to what I was feeling as a novice transgender woman, my gender world began to come into focus. I was building what it really took to live in a female dominated world. 

One of my final considerations to transitioning was I felt so natural as my feminine self and just didn't (and never had) as my male self. I so wanted to take away the three days a week he had of my life and give them to my inner woman who was gaining so much confidence. 

It turned out my gender preview worked for me, even though I wish now it didn't take so long. As I figured out life is very unforgiving and you only have one chance to make it a success. I took the chance and destiny made it the correct one. I learned there was never time to cry over spilled makeup. 

   

Letting the World In

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

Today I have two meetings I need to attend to. 

The first is a LGBTQ Veteran's support group session I haven't been in awhile. The reason I haven't is because I have been going to (virtually) the special ten week group meetings which concentrated on the overall impact the VA (Veteran's Administration) has had on my life during the span of my dealings with them. I make no secret of the fact I have been satisfied with my experiences. In fact, I consider my VA therapist to be one of the top influences in my life as I attempted to transition fully to a transgender woman. 

She, my therapist, was front and center for me when I needed help with starting my hormone replacement therapy all the way to when I needed help changing my legal gender markers in the VA system. This goes back over a decade ago when transgender veterans were not so well known in the system and many were not respected. So, I will be interested how many of the "regular" attendee's will continue to come to the meeting which as I said, restarts this afternoon, 

Also today and much more challenging will be the monthly meeting of the Alzheimer's group of Greater Cincinnati's diversity council. I will be challenged this time because the meeting is across town and is an in person event. Mainly because one person wants to look everyone "in the eye" as she talks to them. As we all know, looking someone in the eye is a major priority anyhow for any trans woman or man who is trying to make their way in the world. Shying away from making eye contact is one sure fire way to quickly lose respect. I don't really think the "eye contact" woman had me in mind but we shall see.

The whole meeting also has brought up two other other concerns. The first of course is appearance and I have been obsessing for quite some time on what I am going to wear. I decided on going casual with a light sweater and my new jeans which will pair up nicely with my canvas "camo" bag. Of course I will need to spend time on my makeup and make sure my long hair is properly pulled up and back. I keep reminding myself, I am a volunteer and a very rare one at that. There are very few LGBT persons willing (or able) to step forward and help and even fewer transgender ones. 

The other challenge for me will be the drive across town in the infamous Cincinnati rush hour traffic. I still don't know my way around yet and will have to rely heavily on my "Google Maps" app to get me there on time. Fortunately,  I can leave early enough to give myself plenty of time to arrive. 

Letting the world in sometimes is not potentially the easiest way to live  But it is the best way to explore being trans in the world while being around new people. Plus it is certainly one of the most beneficial ways to show others we are just similar to so many others. It is the true transgender day of visibility. 

A House of Cards

Image from Angshu Parkait
on UnSplash ...

For most human beings living a life with no severe downs is very rare. Most live a life with some sort of ups and downs.

In many ways, I was fortunate enough to live long enough to have seen many severe ups and downs during my life. I went through possibly a thirty year period when I could say I was leading a good positive life. Even when it came to my gender issues, I was living on the transgender edge but still managed to walk the tightrope and keep my all important marriage afloat. Looking back on the process, all I was doing was building a house of gender cards. 

My cards I was playing included all the times I went behind my wife's back to explore living as a woman. I was living large each time I presented well and was able to get by when I went out. I became the person in the family who did a portion of the grocery shopping, all the way to becoming a veteran shopper in certain venues. Through it all, no matter how excited or secure I felt about being a successful serious  cross dresser or transvestite, I was just playing more cards I didn't really have. At times, I even gambled and played them very recklessly.

I did crazy things such as flashing semi trucks on the interstate when I adjusted my mini skirt up my leg to it's limit just so I could validate myself as a woman. It took me quite an amount of time before I could outgrow this portion of my life and become a more or less secure novice transgender woman. In the meantime, my house of cards grew and became less stable.  Little did I know, I was headed like a runaway train down a track which would end in failure.

What began to set off my failure was the arrival of death in my life. Since my parents had passed on before as well as several other close family members, I thought I had some sort of handle on how to deal with the finality of death and dying. I had no idea of what I was going to face when my house of cards came crashing down. The crash began when I had several close friends pass away. Adding to the impact was the fact I didn't have many to begin with. Plus, it was during this time, my second wife passed away quite suddenly leaving me no time for grieving and/or closure. As my world tumbled, I was a hot mess and wondered what else I had to lose. 

It turned out, I didn't have to wait long to find out. In the middle of a crippling economic recession in the old Ohio rust belt town I lived in, I lost my restaurant I owned and fell behind on my house payments. Perhaps the worst part of it all was the fact I somehow deserved all my problems. Out of all the friends and loved ones I had, why was I the only one left standing.  Why?

Once I met my wife Liz over twelve years ago, she began to help me rebuild another, much more secure, house of cards. Hopefully one which is built to take on the ups and downs of life. At the least, with my gender journey mostly behind me, I won't have that portion of my life to worry about. I can now commit more deeply to enjoying my life as well as the life of loved ones around me so my current house of cards can continue to be stable. Until the end.