Gender Copycats?

 

Image from Kelly Sikkema
on UnSplash

Just one of the major misconceptions transgender women and trans men face is we are just copying the gender we are transitioning into.

The majority of people never come to, or accept the fact we are not copying anything. We are just in the process of becoming our true selves. I know my first inkling I was doing much more than copying the girls I admired so much than just copying them. When I grew tired of just looking at myself in the mirror, I knew I needed to move forward or continue to be completely miserable. Or, I was quickly tired of just being a cross dresser long before the term transgender was ever invented. It is one of those times I wish I had known then what I know now.

As the years of life flew by, so did my feelings about being feminine. I grew more and more into being the newer transgender label. For some reason even needing a label appealed to me. Somehow the process made me feel closer to a group of like minded individuals. When I first began my search I was struggling to find such a group. The first mixers I attended which labeled themselves as being only for heterosexual transvestites, were far from being only for those people. I discovered a wonderful mixture of every sort of person from male admirers, to hetero cross dressers to very feminine and sexually ambiguous transsexuals.  Deep down I thought I needed a place to fit in but it was very difficult for me to do so. I was very frustrated to have come this far to still have no answers. It turned out I would have to live many more years until my major gender questions would be answered. 

Ironically, the only questions I had answers for were the fact any answers I found just led me to more questions. Was I really just copying the women I admired so much, or were my feelings much deeper than all of that. To arrive, I found I needed to explore more completely who I was as a person. Was I truly a transgender person and what did that mean anyhow. Fortunately by that time, the world was catching up with me and I found comparisons with other like minded transgender women who felt they didn't completely fit in with the world. Of course it was scary to leave my comfortable male past behind but I discovered a new incredible feminine life I couldn't live without. I finally learned I was far more than just a gender copycat which a part of an unapproving world said I was. 

Through my journey, I remained way too loyal to my old male self. Eventually, the gender pressure became too much and I needed to be man enough to leave my past behind me. I chose to live in the real world, the feminine one and not look back. I was not in anyway shape or form a copycat of anyone else. Once I really began to transition in earnest, I learned the hard part was behind me. My inner feminine soul was ready willing and able to take over my life as only she could. She was telling me in no uncertain terms she was reaping the benefits now of having to live in the background for so many years. 

One way to completely upset her is to say she is a gender copycat of any sort. She has paid her dues to be her own person.

Gender Countdown

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

My journey to living my dream as a transgender woman admittedly took a long time. 

Too long to many who blame me for waiting so long and tried to say I was somehow less transgender than they were. Which of course, I immediately dismissed. After all after I had spent nearly a half a century to achieve my goals, who were they to question me anyhow. Also, they dismissed me since I turned my back on any possible gender altering surgeries. My reasons included not wanting to undertake any serious surgeries at my age. I was in my early sixties when I decided to undergo HRT which I still call "Hormone Replacement Therapy.' Since I understand has been relabeled in some circles. It's interesting in that the topic this week of my Veteran's Administration group session this week included two full pages on just transgender related labels from over the years.

Then, there was always the matter of trying to properly present  my feminine gender in a brave new world. Along the way, a trans woman friend of mine told me I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took to mean, I was going out in the world doing the best I could and I would learn as I went along. Similar to on the job training. As I continued my on the job gender training, I learned the hard way, the more I learned the more I needed to learn.

I was fortunate in that my entire life I made observing women a priority. By doing so, I had a head start when it came to surviving in a new world. Even though I had made major strides, I found I could not learn enough to overcome all of the obstacles I would face. The main one was to be worried about my own personal safety. Looking back, it was the main male privilege I lost when I transitioned. There were many more but none where I had my safety questioned several times by stray men. 

For some reason, destiny led me into the company of lesbians when I was included into a small circle of friends I socialized with. With them, I learned to be an observer more than an active participant until I began to gather my confidence. From there I learned also how women don't need a man for verification. It was during this period of my life my gender countdown really became faster. I began to make up for lost time. 

Perhaps the final and biggest push to my countdown came when my future wife Liz told me I should complete my MtF gender transition. She told me at the time she had never seen anything male about me at all. Finally the doors were opening for me to live my transgender dream. To celebrate, Liz was with me the night I took the first minimal HRT dosage. 

The only regret I have on my countdown, is I put myself through so much torment before I completed it. (To my specifications.) I could have saved myself another suicide attempt as well as other unpleasant possibilities My gender countdown would have come to an unpleasant end. .

Staying in my Own Lane

Image from Mathew Henry
on UnSplash 

When I first began to leave the dark lonely confines of my gender closet, in a small amount of time I learned the difficult way the amount of work it would take to bring my presentation standards up to a new level.

In other words, I needed to grow out of my teen dressing ideas and proceed on with my life as a novice transvestite or cross dresser. At the same time I found myself in a position to actually present well enough in the public's eye to get by. Believe me, there was much more error than trial when I first started my journey to being a transgender woman. 

During that time also, I was receiving strong messages from my inner male to stay in the lane I was born into. Why give up all the work I had put into being a success in a life I struggled to accept for a frivolous pursuit such as wanting to be feminine. The problem was the entire process wasn't frivolous at all and I discovered later I was dead serious when I veered out of my gender lane. When I tried to change lanes, the whole process was at once terrifying but at the same time so satisfying as I was driving to a new destination and leaving the old one in my rear view mirror. 

Once I began to arrive more and more in my exciting new world, the more my old male self began to fight the move. Mainly because I had so much to give up, such as family, friends and employment. The pressure was on and increased to an unbearable point in my life. When it did, I began to attempt more self harm to myself in a number of different ways. I began to leave the house cross dressed during the day in a medium sized town I was relatively well known in. I convinced myself that no one would recognize the feminine version of my male self. Plus, the going out went against every agreement my second wife and I had ever put together. She wasn't bothered so much by my cross dressing but was really paranoid about anyone seeing and recognizing me. 

It turned out the going out was the least of my problems when it came to the life's pressures I was trying to deal with. Every time I was discovered going out by my wife there were tremendous resulting fights. After one in particular I tried taking my own life with a mixture of anti-depression meds and alcohol. Bottom line was I felt so bad, I just wanted my life to end. Luckily, I was not successful and my life did turn around for the best when I was able to change lanes and live my dream as a fulltime transgender woman.

Staying in my own lane turned out to be impossible for me. Life finally showed me when I pulled out to pass, it worked. When I pulled back into my new lane, I never wanted to go back.