It's an Art Form

Image from Hung Pham
on UnSplash

I don't think any transgender woman's path to her own womanhood should be taken lightly. 

We take many many years of experimentation before we reach a point where we can even venture out in the public's eye without the fear of being made fun of, or worse. The problem is even those born female don't have an easy path towards making it to woman hood. Another problem trans women have which extends far past what cis-women face is we don't have any real mentors to help us with basics such as makeup and wardrobe. In most cases, we have to sit back and let testosterone ravage our bodies with unwanted male changes. By the time we can start hormone replacement therapy later in life, it is too late. 

Also, as soon as we discover the art form of makeup and wardrobe, we also are faced with how to more completely present our new feminine selves to the world. I remember my very early days when I went to transvestite mixers up in Cleveland, Ohio as well as in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I found quite the layers of different people attending, all the way from those still dressed as their male self to those impossibly feminine women who I called the "A" Listers. Even though the "A's" had been able to conquer the appearance part of being feminine, on closer inspection, it seemed they had a long way to go to capture the art form of having any class at all. In fact, I nearly changed my terminology from "A" Listers to "Mean Girls." Maybe I was being too subjective myself because maybe they were just going through a phase in life of their own. 

You need to keep in mind too, how many cis (or genetic) females you know who never made it to the position of being true women. The same can be said for males who have never understood what it takes to be a real man. Or, to be able to put the toxic male ego aside and treat the world better. And, when you are obsessed with presenting as a woman, think of all those cis-women who struggle daily with it also.

No matter how you choose to look at it, following your new gender path is an art form. A woman often glides when she walks in that uniquely feminine way and putting your old male movements in motion is a challenge. Let's not forget too, the aspect of communication. There are certain smiles which women reserve for other women as well as a set of passive aggressive or non verbal communication. Consider how many times when you were cross dressing as a man and couldn't quite figure out what a woman was trying to tell you. It is just as bad until you learn the basics of communicating with another woman as your transgender self. If you think you have conquered the makeup and wardrobe artforms, just wait until you get to the level of communicating with the world. With women and men.

If you want a challenge like no other, try changing your gender. Discovering art form after art form makes the process exciting...at the least. 

Her World

Image from Daniel 
Gonzalez on UnSplash

I live in her world and I am grateful to do so.

More exactly, I am a retired transgender veteran senior citizen who waited most of her life to finally fully come out to the world. Why I waited so long to live in her world, is a complicated matter which involved a semi successful male life which was difficult to give up. Not to mention the potential to lose what remained of my family and friends. By living an extended period as a man, I learned the hard way what I didn't like about the male gender. Even still, I wasn't sure I could ever achieve my goal of living as a fulltime transgender woman. Early on I was naïve and thought success as a woman only came when I did my best to appear as one. 

As I started my early emergence into her world, I found the process was going to be so much more complicated. How was I going to survive financially as well as get used to communicating with the public from the viewpoint of an all new gender perspective. I discovered quite quickly which gender stereotypes were true and which ones were false. I always play the intelligence card when I learned I lost a major amount of my intelligence with men when I completed my MtF gender transition. I found I needed to get used to the changes quickly. 

The more I changed, the more prominent her world became to me. Before I totally gave in to her, I made the ill-fated attempt to hang on to what was left of my old male life while I tried to live part time as a transgender woman. It was becoming increasingly evident to me I was so much more than a transvestite or part-time crossdresser. The relatively new transgender term I found, described me more completely. As I decided, I was able to leave more and more of the old male pressure behind me but not before an ill fated suicide attempt. When the pressure became too much to bear. The moral to the story, my inner woman had gone too far to ever return and I needed to realize it. 

These days, through the miracle of modern medical science, thanks to HRT (hormone replacement therapy) I am able to wake up every morning with all my hair, soft skin, breasts and expanding hips. All the physical signs I need to reinforce I am living in her world. Long ago I decided I did not need or could not afford any major gender surgeries to help me along at my age. My gender was securely entrenched between my ears, not between my legs. I could face the world with what I had.

The only drawback is when my gender dysphoria gets the best of me when I take a look at myself in the morning mirror. It's the time when certain days I dream of completing facial femininization to look even more feminine. Then I have to put my vanity behind me and move on. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention how internal her world is. The more I transitioned into her world, the more emotional I became as the world around me softened noticeably. Of all my favorite aspects of moving into her world, this was my favorite aspect.

I always say the only regret I have is not transitioning more completely earlier in my life. Perhaps destiny was telling me I had to live through certain learning times in my life. Such as serving in the military, graduating college and having my daughter. Without all of those, I would have missed out on so much of my life. Perhaps I shouldn't  have worried, all along I was living her life anyhow. I was just too stubborn to realize it. One time I had a close cis-woman friend tell me after a Halloween party suddenly tell me if "I ever decided to go the other way" (as a woman) I wouldn't have to worry. I finally listened and made the move into her world.

Endless Possibilities

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Collection

When I was young, the only vocation I could think I wanted to follow was I wanted to be a woman. 

Somehow along the way, I hoped I would grow out of it. As the years went by, not only did the thoughts of being a woman not go away, they just became stronger.  Initially all of this made me even more frustrated with my life. Possibilities seemed far from endless. I was stuck living an unwanted male life. The only possibility I faced was making my male existence as successful as I could. So I followed traditional male activities and pursuits such as sports and having a successful profession. For years, it seemed I was going backwards towards my dream and/or goal of living as a transgender woman.

Before I did begin to look for my gender possibilities, I needed to learn more completely what the process meant to me. About that time was when the transgender term became known at all. Just having an idea of who I might be gave me a starting point on my gender development. The more I explored getting out of my closet and into the world, happily the possibility of opening more doors began to evolve. I started with the basics such as doing a portion of the grocery shopping all the way to going shopping for Christmas gifts. All as my feminine self. The more I explored, the more possibilities opened up to me. For once in my life, I was finding a way to feel more natural and complete. Deep down I knew I was right when I lived as my authentic feminine self.

All of sudden, I was starting to think I actually could follow the biggest dream of mine to someday live fulltime as a transgender woman. In other words, my sun, moon and gender stars were beginning to come together. Before I knew it, I was going to previously off-limits venues and thriving.  Issues such as one on one communications with strangers began to fade away when I learned living as a transgender woman meant so much more than just looking like one in the mirror. I can't stress enough (for me) learning the many and various layers cis-women live through. I called the process being allowed to play in the girl's sandbox. I was helped along when I was invited to "girls night out" parties as well as other gender specific activities When I pulled the feminine curtain back. I really progressed with the new knowledge I learned. 

If you have ever experienced being tantalizingly close to a lifetime goal and not achieving it, that is where I was. I could see what my life as a woman would be like but taking the final step would not be easy and was all so terrifying. My male self just didn't want to give up all the white male privileges  he had worked all those years to earn. At the time I viewed the process as similar to sliding down a slippery slope towards a steep cliff. When and if I fell off the cliff, I didn't know if I could ever return. Well, I never was able to return to my old male self and I have a series of friends to thank for making my landing as soft as possible.

Included in my circle of friends was my own inner feminine soul. I had no idea once I turned my life over to her, she knew exactly what to do. She had been waiting all those years for her endless possibilities to materialize.