Still a Mystery

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection

 When I went to the breakfast meeting yesterday, I was able to take a very small sample of how transgender women and trans men are being accepted in the area of the country around me. The meeting drew approximately one hundred people. Mostly younger professionals.

Before the speaker took the stage, there was a time for networking with others around us. Since I was still basically shy, I decided to stay back and see if anyone tried to reach out to me. No one did, so now I regret my decision. I am sure there will be a next time, so I will have a chance at a re-do and do better. After all, the last thing I want to do is come off being unfriendly. What kind of a transgender ambassador would I be? 

One thing I will always question is how my first impression is received, or what are people really thinking about me,  Yesterday the process began early when I needed to sign in and then find my breakfast, so like it or not, I needed to interact with the world. Everybody I saw gave me a big hello and a smile, which made the overall process so much easier. Long ago, I gave up on my egotistical desire to be viewed as a cis-woman and I settled for being noticed as an attractive (I hope) transgender woman who blends in with the other women. By "working the room" I will have a better idea of what the other attendees think of a trans person. 

Through it all, I still on occasion think, why me? What trigger switch was thrown when I was born to always question the male gender I was born into. The closest I have ever come to thinking I found a culprit was when I began reading about the medication DES which was given for years to women which had experienced problem pregnancies in their past. My Mom had several problem pregnancy's and I was born in the period of time the drug was used, so I naturally was intrigued. Much more so when I read DES flooded the uterus with estrogen when the mother was pregnant. So maybe, that was the reason I always questioned which gender I was born into.

None of that helped me yesterday when I basically retreated myself instead of being a  quality ambassador for the transgender community when I could. I was proud of myself with negotiating the morning Cincinnati rush hour traffic and still utilizing a spotty GPS system on my phone to even find the venue. I thought the difficult part was behind me but I was wrong. I, for whatever reason, couldn't seal the deal and be a quality transgender representative. I will have other chances though and I will do better. One thing I am going to try to have changed is my name tag which correctly identified my legal female name but also said I was "retired" which is also true but I think restricts whomever wants to network with me, I am going to try to get it changed to writer or blogger. Either of which would at the least open potential lines for communication. 

Once I accomplish all of my future goals, I will have to set new ones and hope my life is not such a mystery to others.

Out...With Civilians

Image from Brett Kavanaugh on
UnSplash

 It's been awhile since I have journeyed out of the house without my wife Liz, unless I was going on simple errands to the gas station or to the pharmacy, I didn't go.

This morning I broke what I refer to as the "Covid" curse and I went to my first Alzheimer's group of Greater Cincinnati's breakfast presentation. I decided to go since I signed up to be part of the organization's diversity committee. The committee is meeting virtually for my first meeting later on this month. As I have mentioned in the past, my passion to try to help with the Alzheimer's effort comes because of my Dad passing from the disease years ago. 

Almost as important to me was the fact I was returning to the public again after so long hiding in the shadows. Before the forced isolation of Covid, I was more or less a public person. Recently I decided it was time to get back in the public's eye and regain my confidence. Since I am inherently a shy person, the idea of meeting a room full of strangers was intimidating again. Almost as scary of facing the Cincinnati morning rush hour traffic with my GPS which had decided to not work all the way on the way.

Regardless of all of that, I did make it to the venue. In time to grab a breakfast sandwich, a cup of coffee and finally a seat where I could comfortably see and hear the speakers. To that point, everyone was really nice and greeted me with a smile.  In other words, my fears of somehow being mistreated for being the only transgender woman there were completely unfounded. The only LGBTQA+ person I saw there was one of the caterers as well as several maybe lesbians in the crowd of attendees. 

Looking around at the majority of the other women who were there, I dressed to blend rather well. I wore a pair of my black leggings, white camisole with a knitted top that my wife Liz made me. I added my black flats, lite makeup, pulled back my hair and I was ready to go. I was cool and comfortable on a warm summer's morning and wasn't too cold in the air conditioned venue.

Now I hope to expand my horizons again and do more to support my passions. Coming up next is the first of a ten week support group with the Dayton Ohio Veterans' Administration. Over the weeks we will be asked our opinion of how the VA has been doing in it's support of LGBTQA+ veterans. I am looking forward into providing my input as well as do more in the future for the Alzheimer's committee.

I feel anything I can do will pay me forward in the karma department and hopefully the recent strides in Alzheimer's care will continue and I won't have to face the same fate as my Dad did. 

 

Gender in Layers

Image from Monika Kozub
o UnSplash

Quite early in life I thought being feminine was just looking like a girl/woman.

It wasn't until much later on, I discovered how wrong I was. Even though I was an avid follower of everything feminine I could find, it seemed everything I did wasn't good enough. Everywhere I turned cis-women gate keepers were keeping me out. As I did manage small steps on my gender journey I came to a point where I collided with my second wife. All along she was very outspoken in that she didn't want to live with another woman. Especially if the woman was me. So I counted her out when it came to me acquiring any new feedback from her. I was completely on my own.

Since I was on my own, I did make mistakes and sadly my biggest gender strides came after she unexpectedly passed away from a massive heart attack. It was then I was free to explore my feminine self in the world. Very quickly I learned my deceased wife was right, I had a long way to go. I needed to advance from she called the "pretty, pretty princess" stage of my life, gather myself and attempt to move forward into a world I found I knew very little about. If I was going to advance, I needed to interact one on one with the world as a transgender woman.

I started with looking at the different layers of life a woman faces which were different from a man. Of course the easy ones were family driven. Since women birth the children, often the kids were more central to their lives. No big surprise. I didn't have much problem when I communicated the fact I was a parent too when I was communicating with another woman. It was from there when the communication became a little more difficult. I was petrified the next question would be why was I dressing like a woman anyway. That question never came and often we moved on to less important topics such as jewelry, hair and clothes.

About the time I thought communicating with other women wasn't so difficult someone would come along with a passive aggressive thought which would send me back to the communication drawing board. Men were so forward when they communicated in my male world, I got burnt several times when I didn't adjust fast enough to the women's way of speaking. What was she really trying to say. Was I truly pretty or just pretty for a man cross dressed  as a woman. Finally I decided to leave all the paranoia about communication behind. Instead of what could go wrong, I adopted what could go right as my inner slogan.

Other layers in my new life as a transgender woman came along mainly after I began hormone replacement therapy. Fairly quickly my emotions were released as the world around me became softer, My sense of smell even became more intense. The entire HRT experience helped to add layers to a life which was increasingly becoming more feminine. 

Through it all, delving into the deeper layers of a woman's life helped to make mine so much more meaningful.