Regrets?

 

Image from Lucien Andrei 
On UnSplash

Recently I wrote a post which in part involved any regrets I may have had when I transitioned into my authentic feminine life.

Today I decided to go a little more in-depth on such an important topic. Why? Because I can not write enough concerning all we transgender women and trans men can lose we we attempt a gender transition. Families, friends and occupations can all disappear quickly when people close to us and can not adjust to the gender adjustment. 

The biggest mis-conception comes when ordinary citizens think we actually had a choice when we transitioned. Like anyone wants to give up potentially their whole life to live as they please. Often it comes down to a life or death decision when it comes to transitioning. Suicide or self harm becomes a very real possibility for many transgender people, including me. So when it came to regrets, I didn't have many because I was able to transition and preserve my life as I knew it. In essence I wanted to change my life dramatically while I kept my soul. 

Through it all sadly my male person kept hanging on. Somehow he knew his days were numbered because once I had determined I needed to follow a different binary gender path, as a transgender woman, I could never go back. The regrets of leaving a lingering male existence behind were lessened when several obstacles disappeared. The first of which was how much of the old baggage I was able to take with me into a new life. Could I still enjoy several of the same things such as drinking a beer and enjoying my sports teams with like minded people. Or did I always need to plan ahead for hours to put together a feminine outfit everyday I went out. Jeans and a nice top would work to blend in with most of the women in the venues I was used to going to. Life began to normalize out quite nicely when I learned my only child (a daughter) accepted my MtF gender transition totally. The trade off was I lost my brother who did not accept me but the blow was softened when my wife Liz's family took me in. 

As it turned out, life didn't hand me many regrets when I transitioned. I know I was fortunate and probably not the norm when it comes to the transgender community. All I really had to do was find a way to basically financially support myself. I knew there was no way the company I worked for would accept a radically different me interacting with others in the people intensive industry I worked in. I solved my money problems when I decided to retire early and do my best to augment my income with selling collectibles. From that point further my regrets were few and I was free to proceed ahead with living a fulltime life as a transgender woman. 

Of course the biggest regret factor I experienced was the fact I dodged the self harm aspect of not being able to live an authentic feminine life. Once I progressed past that dark period of my life, I was free to concentrate on learning a whole new life, almost. First I needed to mesh my past male self and all his baggage with my new self and her future life. Once I did, any further regrets went away and I embraced a bright future. One I never thought I could ever achieve.      

The Best Part of Me

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 For the longest time I resisted the idea there were two of me. A male and a female side. 

The further I went in completing a MtF gender transition, the more obvious it became I did indeed have two sides to my being. I had a male side I needed to desperately protect to even exist in the world as I knew it and a feminine side. I worked hard to cover any signs I was feminine at all and for the most part all my efforts were successful. Through my love of attempting to play sports and work on fast cars, I was able to hide.

One way or another hiding became impossible as I gained confidence in trying to head out of my dark lonely gender closet and explore the world. The whole process was very scary yet exciting and my feminine self turned out to be exceedingly patient and giving with the process. She stood by as I grew through my teenaged cross dressing years and managed to arrive at a place where I could at least blend in with the public the best I could. 

Then, she stood by me in my communication years when I took on the world one on one as a transgender woman. Looking back she most likely knew the truth. If she bided her time, she would win eventually and being able to fully take over my life. Taking all of that into consideration I found as she was taking over, she had always been the best part of me. My parents had always tried to raise me with a strong moral compass and when I was able to come out and live an authentic feminine life, all my truth could be out for the public to see. Naturally when I did finally come out, I felt so much better about my life.

The deeper I began to live as a transgender woman, the more I found the less I needed to do. What I mean is, my feminine side had been waiting so long for a chance to fully live, she was happy to take over and show me the way. She happily took to the guidance and knowledge she learned as she went all the way from "girl's nights outs" to lesbian mixers with friends. It was quite the process. Through it all she found she could be the best person possible since she had learned from both sides of the main gender binary spectrum. It wasn't as if the male person was bad, the female person could be better. Plus, as I always point out, my feminine side very much benefitted from positive cis-woman friends who showed her the way.

Maybe it is an unfair comparison because my feminine side had such a longer time to grow and observe what my male side was doing wrong. But on the other hand, she had to go through the frustration of waiting to come out. By doing so, she had to face a dual edged sword. She benefitted from the male mistakes I made but then had a chance to be the best part of me when the wait was finally over and she could live our truth as a transgender woman.

Trust the Process

 

Image from
UnSplash

Over a very long life of considering and attempting a MtF gender transition, I went through many highs and lows. 

On occasion more lows than highs as I went through the process of trying to balance both of my primary binary genders. In other words, I did plenty of inadvisable things which came back to haunt me. I was fortunate in that I didn't experience bodily harm on a couple of occasions when I was in  places I should not have been as a novice transvestite or cross dresser. Where? On a dark, late night urban city street to name a specific one. I did get stopped one night and was lucky I got out of it by just giving five dollars to a couple of panhandlers who clearly wanted more. Through all of my mistakes I just had to trust the process.

Seemingly the process was I had to pay my dues before I was rewarded with any positive feedback as a transgender woman. All the times when my second wife essentially made fun of the way I looked, just made me try harder to work on the many facets which went into a more convincing image as a feminine person. I knew I had made strides when she had to ask me to help her with her makeup on special occasions. I had trusted the process and kept on working hard and it worked for me on those occasions. Even though she had given into my makeup expertise, my wife still didn't give me an overall approval rating in how I presented. 

The farther I made it along in my transgender journey, the more trust I needed to put into what I was attempting to accomplish. All in all, I was trying to build my way into living a dream and I had so much to lose if I had failed. I say often, because one of the reasons I kept going was I felt so natural as my feminine self. When I did feel natural, it was easier for me to blend in with the public and overall present better to the world. I was rewarded when I was able to spread out from the gay venues I was going to and made my way into becoming a regular at several straight, mainstream sports bars I always enjoyed as a man. In them I was able to enjoy my favorite teams along with a big cold draft beer without any problems. When I was recognized as a regular. Probably the hardest prize to attain was my restroom privilege. As you beer drinkers know,  beer doesn't last long with you and being able to use the women's room (again without complaint) was huge.

Trusting the process also gave me added confidence in myself. Even though on occasion I was still petrified, I still was able to interact with the world and learn to enjoy myself. I finally made it to the point of feeling there was nothing wrong with me and if someone else had a problem, it was theirs to deal with. 

As I look back on trusting the process, for me, being allowed to begin hormone replacement therapy medications involved the most trust for me. I needed to trust the medical community the meds would not hurt me and move on from there. I was fortunate in that the process worked for me and I loved the results. By the time I tried HRT I was used to taking chances with my gender transition and hoped I could go even farther. To living my life fulltime as a transgender woman.