The Fear Factor

Fear Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash

No matter how you identify in the transgender community (or beyond into the LGBTQ world) fear on occasion dictates what you are able to do when you go out in the world.

I'm referring to the all encompassing terrifying paralysis you feel when you think you have been able to dress your prettiest and put on your best makeup to go out the door as a novice transgender woman or transvestite / cross dresser. I mention the different labels because they matter to so many in the community.

Of course, in my case, fear of discovery was always a part of who I was. What if the small world as I knew it discovered my deep dark secret of wanting to be feminine. What if my parents found out I rather have the baby doll on Christmas rather than the BB Gun I was gifted? I knew my life would immediately change for the worst and most certainly I would lose my small circle of friends. I felt my overall paranoia was well deserved.

Through all the fear, I managed to keep moving forward. I slowly learned how to dress myself in my chosen gender and became relatively proficient at putting makeup on. During that time I was lucky in that I only had to answer to the mirror. There was no one else. I am sure if my Mom had ever caught me she would not have taken the time to help me be more convincing as a girl. I would have been in for appointments to therapists who back in those days had no idea of how to deal with a transgender client. Many still don't.

Fear was my first and only companion for years as I came out into the world. I can remember how scared I was when I decided to leave the gay venues I was going to and try to make it in the real world of straight places. I don't know now how I did make it but I did. Slowly but surely I was able to use my fear as a motivator and it became one of my best accessories. I think now it pushed me on to be better and improve so I could convince the world I belonged. To this day, memories of past rejections keeps me on my transgender game. Even though I don't put all of the time and effort into my appearance that I used to, I still have the motivation to look better than the average cis-woman who for the most part does nothing when she goes out in the public's eye. I am fortunate in that I have been able to undertake hormone replacement therapy and it has provided me the feminine basics to get by. Such as my own hair, breasts, hips and softer/smoother skin.  

Since anxiety of all kinds has had a tendency to rule my life from many different angles other than just being transgender, I have been able to develop my own set of coping skills to survive. For instance, now I have learned not to be shy in public and be proud of who I am.  It helps to combat the basic fear I have always had of strangers as I was always naturally shy around people I didn't know. I remember a class I needed to take in high school where I was required to be up front at a podium and give a prepared speech. Yes I was scared but I made it through it and the entire process taught me a valuable lesson that I could make it if I tried. Sort of how I was afraid somehow I wouldn't make it through Army basic training so I tried harder and made it. Lessons learned which I used when I began to go out in public as a woman scared to death. If I could only make it the first time, I could make it forever. 

Of course forever turned out to be an elusive term because it took me many more tries to fail before I was successful in my overall presentation as a transgender woman.

After I developed my coping skills and gathered my courage, the fear factor turned out to be beneficial for me.

 

The Most Difficult Steps

 

Image from Mak
on UnSplash

In my life, I have viewed my gender transition into a feminine world as a series of steps.

As with any climb, there were many steps which were more difficult than others and even those which needed extra time to negotiate. Looking all the way back to my childhood, my most difficult step was just being able to hide my secret "hobby" of dressing like a girl from the rest of my family. I was born into a very macho style group and for certain no one would have ever understood. For the longest time, any prepared plans to take more steps forward as a novice cross dresser would have to wait as I obsessed with just watching the girls around me from afar. The only step I really remember was how lonely and dark my gender closet was since I grew up in the pre-internet era where information was difficult to come by. Sadly, when I did come across any information about a cross dressed man, he was usually doing it to disguise himself as a woman for bad reasons. 

Still I persisted and managed to climb a few steps at a time when they became available to me. I was able to buy and use makeup to the point I thought I looked feminine in the mirror. At the same time I broadened my outreach as a girl to dressing up and going to the mailbox (down our long driveway) on the rare days I found myself alone in the house.

Little did I know these baby steps were preparing me for the more difficult ones to come in the future. One of the most difficult steps I ever undertook was the night when I was determined to go out for the first time feeling like my version of a woman and not just looking like one. This step happened after several Halloween parties when my "costume" got me mistaken for a woman. So I was ready to try and see what happened. What occurred was after being very frightened, I did my best to dress to blend as a professional woman and ventured into an upscale bar/ restaurant I knew catered to a similar clientele. The venue was located very close to a mall with many women workers who came after work and I tried to be there when they came one night. It turned all my paranoia was wasted because I was able to finally go in, find a seat at the bar and have a couple drinks. Most importantly no one said a word to me outside of the ordinary and I had managed to climb one of my biggest and most feared steps. No longer would I consider myself just a transvestite or cross dresser. In reality I had taken the step to being a transgender woman.

From that step upward, the climb was no easier but seemingly came at a faster rate. Following my learning experiences in the world communicating as a transgender woman, looming ahead was my next big step. Deciding yes or no to pursue hormone replacement therapy. Knowing full well if I did decide to undergo HRT, there would be no looking or turning back on my stair steps. Before I could decide though, I needed to be checked out by a doctor to see if I was healthy enough to undertake the new feminine hormones in my body. I did take that step and have never looked back.

These days my steps have slowed with age and now I have the final step to look forward to. Knowing I really don't have much say in the process, I just hope it's as a painless step as possible, After all, it's the biggest step of all.

Planned or Evolved

 

Image from UnSplash

Completing a gender change is a difficult experience, to say the least. 

Sometimes I think my path to a transgender life was planned, sometimes I think I just evolved. I think that because the more I planned, the less I accomplished. There were literally years which went by without much change at all, or so I thought. Those were the days when I thought I had perfected my wardrobe and makeup but then failed miserably when I went out in the public's eye and found out I still had a long way to go. In other words, putting the feminine image in motion was the plan but I found I needed to evolve into it. I needed to walk the feminine walk more than I had ever had. The mirror had to take a back seat to reality.

Along the way, I was able to plan on carving out precious time in my male life to explore the possibility if I could further explore a transgender life as a woman. I went to many mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio which were attended by everyone from transsexuals to transvestites to male "admirers:. Somewhere in the middle of all those people was me. I guess I could have been described as a questioner who was just observing all the others to see where I fit. Through it all, there was no way I could plan my next gender move, I needed to evolve into it. 

It wasn't until much later in life until I tried to plan my future. Fairly quickly after taking my time in my MtF gender transition, the time was quickly approaching to pick up the pace. For one, I wasn't getting any younger and if I was ever going to try, I better do it. Plus another major issue was I was becoming better and better existing in public as a transgender woman. If in any way I was receiving negative feedback perhaps I would have felt differently about transitioning but it was different because I felt so natural the more I did it. The more I communicated and existed in the world as a trans woman, the less I needed to plan my next move. I could just sit back, relax and evolve who I was. 

Evolution eventually led me to beginning hormone replacement therapy and never formulating any plans to ever go back to my old unwanted male life. The hormones I was fortunate enough to be approved for helped me to evolve much further into a feminine life I wasn't prepared for. I learned quickly there was no way anything I had accomplished in life HRT opened pathways in my life I could have never planned for, I needed to evolve into as a new human being. 

Once I evolved I was able to be a better person as the stress of attempting to live between two of the main binary genders drained off of me. Even my long bout with having a prescribed Bi-Polar depression disorder became better. Probably because my consumption of alcohol went way down also,  All because I quit planning to change my gender and evolved into a transgender woman I could be happy with.