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| Image from Lucas Stankey on UnSplash. |
Yesterday when I first went to the bathroom to begin my start to the day, I turned the light on and was greeted by a slight “pop” and the bulb going out. I was disappointed that it was one of those bulbs that is supposed to last forever. Then, I began to think that nothing lasts forever, especially light bulbs no matter what they say.
As I normally always do, I took the idea I was following to
another level and compared it with my old broken-down self. No surprise, but I
was not built to last forever either. Just like my transgender desires, or were
they? I know when I was very young trying on my mom’s clothes and makeup, I
thought perhaps I would outgrow my desire to be a girl as I became older. As it
turned out, the opposite was true. I did not outgrow my desire to be feminine;
I grew into it as I became more skilled in applying make-up and cross-dressing
myself the more, I wanted to try my newfound skills in the public eye.
When I accomplished the seismic shift from mirror approval
to public approval, I knew any approval would not last forever because of the
mixed reactions I was having in public where I tried to go. Outside of the
usual gaggle of teen girls who would laugh at me, I found that the largest part
of society did not notice me when I took the effort to blend in with the other
ciswomen around me. The mistake I was making was very simple when I finally
took the time to figure it out. To dress for success did not mean to dress to
attract unwanted extra attention. Success meant that I fit in with the public
at large. Carefully, since I was a large woman, but a woman none the less when
I presented myself correctly.
At that point, the responsibility of being a stable
presentable transfeminine person began to set in. Just looking the part of a woman
would not last forever as by then I certainly knew I would never just outgrow
my feminine desires. By responsibility I mean it became time for me to fully accept
what I was becoming in the world. To catch up, I took feminine vocal lessons to
improve the nuances of my speech patterns and worked hard to listen to my progress.
If nothing was going to last forever in my life as a trans woman, I was driven
to do it right. Outside of the very good job I had and the relationship I was
desperately clinging to with my wife, being a transgender woman who passed in
the world was my ultimate goal.
That point in my life became a blur as I was learning almost
daily what went on behind the gender curtain, I was given access to. It was not
all good, but I knew the bad would not last forever if I continued past the
stop signs, I encountered on my gender path to my ultimate goal of shedding my
male past. The best part was no one knew him and I could build a new life from scratch
with the good and bad of living as long as I did as a man. Everything was going
so well for awhile that I was waiting for the next high heeled shoe to fall on
me since nothing lasts forever. Sadly, I was right when my personal world
around me began to rapidly crumble.
I call it my dark period when almost everyone I cared about
passed away. I knew about the finality of death because of my parent’s death,
but I wrongly assumed I would be the first to go in the small circle of friends
and family I had built up because of my self-destructive lifestyle.
The person who helped me out of my dark age was my wife Liz
who made me a believer in myself, and my forever could be with her. That was
over twelve years ago now, and I hope it can go on forever too. I am just grateful
I was able to find her when I needed her the most because I was drinking way
too much and struggling.
The moral to the story is that life is but a circle and you
can ride out the down parts if destiny shows you the way. It was true for me
that the darkest hour was right before the dawn when I attempted the ultimate self-destructive
act of all. Taking my own life. I failed and ended up being able to live the
most exciting and self-fulfilling days of my life. I would have missed everything
from the tour bus experiences Liz and I took all the way to being humbled in my
two fairly recent hospital stays for Covid and pneumonia. Sometimes I think I was
just given the chance to do as much living as I could in the time allotted to
me. Being transgender just added to the mystique of my life.
Whatever the case, I was completely wrong when I was a kid
thinking I would grow out of my dreams of being a woman, transgender or not.
Growing into my dreams was certainly the most challenging thing I have ever
attempted. Sometimes causing me joy and sometimes causing me extreme pain and
suffering.
I know nothing lasts forever, but when mine ends, I will
know I gave it my best shot.
Recently I learned that even backwards Ohio who only
concentrates of passing anti-transgender bills, is considering a bill which
would legalize euthanasia for terminally ill persons. Even though I seriously doubt
the republican legislature will pass the bill, it would be nice to be able to
end your own life when the time has come and gone to do it. I would love to
have control of my own destiny. Nothing lasts forever, including humans.
Sorry to end this on such a negative tone but death is as
sure as birth and we need to make the best of it.
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