The Most Difficult Steps

 

Image from Mak
on UnSplash

In my life, I have viewed my gender transition into a feminine world as a series of steps.

As with any climb, there were many steps which were more difficult than others and even those which needed extra time to negotiate. Looking all the way back to my childhood, my most difficult step was just being able to hide my secret "hobby" of dressing like a girl from the rest of my family. I was born into a very macho style group and for certain no one would have ever understood. For the longest time, any prepared plans to take more steps forward as a novice cross dresser would have to wait as I obsessed with just watching the girls around me from afar. The only step I really remember was how lonely and dark my gender closet was since I grew up in the pre-internet era where information was difficult to come by. Sadly, when I did come across any information about a cross dressed man, he was usually doing it to disguise himself as a woman for bad reasons. 

Still I persisted and managed to climb a few steps at a time when they became available to me. I was able to buy and use makeup to the point I thought I looked feminine in the mirror. At the same time I broadened my outreach as a girl to dressing up and going to the mailbox (down our long driveway) on the rare days I found myself alone in the house.

Little did I know these baby steps were preparing me for the more difficult ones to come in the future. One of the most difficult steps I ever undertook was the night when I was determined to go out for the first time feeling like my version of a woman and not just looking like one. This step happened after several Halloween parties when my "costume" got me mistaken for a woman. So I was ready to try and see what happened. What occurred was after being very frightened, I did my best to dress to blend as a professional woman and ventured into an upscale bar/ restaurant I knew catered to a similar clientele. The venue was located very close to a mall with many women workers who came after work and I tried to be there when they came one night. It turned all my paranoia was wasted because I was able to finally go in, find a seat at the bar and have a couple drinks. Most importantly no one said a word to me outside of the ordinary and I had managed to climb one of my biggest and most feared steps. No longer would I consider myself just a transvestite or cross dresser. In reality I had taken the step to being a transgender woman.

From that step upward, the climb was no easier but seemingly came at a faster rate. Following my learning experiences in the world communicating as a transgender woman, looming ahead was my next big step. Deciding yes or no to pursue hormone replacement therapy. Knowing full well if I did decide to undergo HRT, there would be no looking or turning back on my stair steps. Before I could decide though, I needed to be checked out by a doctor to see if I was healthy enough to undertake the new feminine hormones in my body. I did take that step and have never looked back.

These days my steps have slowed with age and now I have the final step to look forward to. Knowing I really don't have much say in the process, I just hope it's as a painless step as possible, After all, it's the biggest step of all.